Lonely Mammy

LegacyUser

Not sure where to start here. I am desperately lonely. I feel like I have no people in my life. I am married to a great guy have 2 amazing toddlers. But I really don't have any life. Had a good social life before I had my kids but now nothing. I don't long for the days of pubs and clubs, I don't miss any of that, Id rather have my kids. But I would absolutely love some friends with kids just to have another adult to talk to. Some other kids for my kids to play with etc.

It seems to me looking around that everyone seems to have great family relationships, lots of socialising with family, friends. I look forward to Summer then dread it cos I know it will be just me and my kids, while hubby is at work. While all around me in neighbouring houses & gardens, are familys with visitors having bbq's etc. I have tried the mother toddler groups, and always find them so cliquey. How do you "make friends" when your an adult with kids in tow?

ABajaninCork

You're not alone. This is a question I've often wondered about, as I find it hard to make friends too!

You could give the mother & toddler group another go. I'd go to a different one though. Not just for your sake, but for your kids' sake. It's important they learn to socialise as early as possible. It would be nice for them to make their own friends too. You could then invite Johnny & Mary round to play with your two and invite the Mums in for coffee and cake.

Could you invite the neighbour's kids in to yours to play with your kids? Then you can also invite the neighbours in for coffee and cake too! See what I mean?

Try Meetups too. There might be a Mums & Toddlers group for you to try?

Not being much help, I know but perhaps the above might help??

Loadie

I could have written this!!..I genuinely understand what your saying, I am a stay at home mammy for d moment anyhow & it can be so lonely. Partner is also brilliant, but some days he is the only other adult I have seen or spoken to. Mother and toddler groups can be awful, but I just tried a few different ones and some are not so bad. So maybe give it a go again. We also go to our local library one day a week for free storytelling, for pre schoolers. Another way of meeting some mammys. Maybe n your local area there mite b something similar. The way I look at it, anything that gets me out of the house for a while, is good:)

retro:electro

You say that all around you are you neighbours socialising and having bbq's, why don't you go over and introduce yourself to them and join them?

Big Bag of Chips

You mention that your kids are toddlers. Once they start preschool or school you will find it much easier to make friends, because you will be meeting the same people and seeing the same faces everyday.

I moved to an area when my kids were small and knew nobody. Once they started school, and THEY made friends I found I made friends too. I now have a small group of very close friends here and we regularly call on each other for a bit of emergency help if someone is running late, someone else can collect the kids etc.

The toddler years can be lonely, and if you are new in an area it can feel like everyone else knows each other and you are watching from the outside. Once the kids start school they will get involved in activities. Volunteering to help out is also a good way to get to know people, and for people to get to know you.

It's difficult when they're small... But it really is for a short time. Soon you'll have to get a diary just to keep up with social calendar!

zoe 3619

So sorry.know exactly how it can feel.as other's have said,try mother/toddler groups.if one doesn't work,find another one.tried two or three myself before I found one where I could relax have a chat and be comfortable.also I joined the leisure centre.cheap rate during the day.got me out the house, kids loved bobbing about in rings in the pool...any variation to daily routine.know it can be hard,but don't wish it away.so short a time before they get bigger and bolder,start school etc.wish I'd cherished the moments more,hard as it seemed at the time.maybe you could make more of the evenings,bit of adult time with friends.let their dad mind them.just an hour or so you can get get out the house.not talking going out drinking etc,but coffee and a chat without the kids in tow?

LegacyUser

I don't have children myself but I have some ideal how you feel.

One of my family did was to go to mother and toddler pool sessions - this helped her meet other mothers and got her out of the house.
A lot of gyms, leisure clubs ect have off peek membership/family membership and some offer baby minding. This could be worth looking into.

Another thing to consider would be class like zumba ect so you could get out of the house 1 or 2 nights a week. This will help you meet new people.
In Aug/Sep the local vec could be running night courses. These course can be career focused or just for enjoyment course and they are not to expensive.

uck51js9zml2yt

my wife found cuidiu and parent link invaluable.
They ladies and more lately some men with their kids meet in peoples houses regularly for a few hours during the week for a coffee and chat.

iguana

I know you say you found the toddler groups 'clique-y' and maybe in your case they were but it's something I've heard so often about toddler groups when I'm not sure it's usually what's actually happening all/most of the time. I go to a lot of toddler groups and I have met numerous women at them who I have come to consider genuine friends. While I go to groups/classes 3 or 4 times a week, I might only see certain friends a couple of times a month, and when I do there are things I've been storing up to talk to them about and vice versa. I imagine that the same is true for most other mums who regularly attend groups. But from the perspective of a newcomer I think that can look clique-y. You are there desperate to make friends and chat and all around you are groups of women who have 90 minutes to catch up on a few weeks worth of news. Add to that, that they themselves might also feel awkward and a bit shy around new people so find it easiest to chat to the people they have already gotten to know.

I've always reminded myself of that whenever I join a new group that I'm not clicking with right away. I think if you start off with feeling the other mum's are clique-y, you feel unwanted and it's harder to make an effort. If you remind yourself that they are just like you, except a bit further into the process, it's easier to keep trying. Sometimes there really are cliques who aren't interested in new people or new people who aren't 'their sort.' But the majority of the time, I've found that it really is just that the others are already friends.

A good tip I've found is that when you do start talking to another mum at a group, introduce yourself as well as just your baby. In my experience we chat about our kids to break the ice and exchange their names/ages/personality traits/etc without ever actually saying 'oh and I'm Lucy.' I've known people for months as Pat's mum and not had a clue what her own name is but it's only once I've actually found out the woman's own name that we really start to click.

Maybe if you say what part of the country you are in, either here or start another thread on the parenting forum, local posters will recommend particular groups/classes that they have found other friendly mothers on?

LegacyUser

OP here again. Thanks for all the replies & tips. I think I've just been going through a bad patch lately with this, getting over PTSD & PND. The mother & toddler groups, I don't sit in the corner I do actually talk to other mothers I suppose I just feel there isn't any follow on or continuity. Ie we don't become friends.

My toddlers are 3 now, so I find the toddler groups are more geared towards younger babies & my two get bored there. I would absolutely love to do swimming with them but I cant really bring two toddlers on my own (ratio is always one adult to one child) & there isn't anyone that could come with me. But I will perservere! Maybe putting a thread in parenting to find good places to go. They are starting Montessori in September so maybe that will help with us all finding friends!

Neyite

I took up a craft based hobby one night a week while on maternity. Its my 'off duty' night and I live for it - the interaction and the banter with other women there.

Would you take up knitting or sewing classes somewhere nearby one evening a week - just for you to not be mammy for a few hours? Gyms and swimming are grand, but can be quite solitary at times too.

There are parent meetups on the parenting forum from time to time and daily interacting on those forums can evolve into online /facebook friendships.

Flippyfloppy

Hey I totally get where you're coming from. I feel alone every day! I'm still getting used to it, and I know what you mean about mother & toddler groups. I think it's harder to make friends in that situation because you always have one eye on your child and are constantly moving around! Anyway, will plod along.

Have just started a toddler class, and might start swimming although local waterbabies class has just said they only take toddlers who have been with them since before 12 months. Have to find some stuff to do because I feel I'm constantly longing for my husband to get home from work!! Sad!

iguana

lonelymammy wrote: »

My toddlers are 3 now, so I find the toddler groups are more geared towards younger babies & my two get bored there.

Have you any softplay centres near you? Most of them do toddler mornings during school term and you'll find a lot of older preschoolers at those, so your two should have plenty to do at them.