please help

LegacyUser

Hi

I am going unreg for this.

My husband has never been able to handle his drink. The common thing now is he is wetting himself.

Last weekend, he wet himself everynight, due to drink.

Tonight we were out at a party. I decided to bring a sly small bottle of spirits with me to make the night cheaper. We went oit for a smoke with friends.

He asked me did I bring a glass of vodka out with me so he could add it to his coke and I said I forgot. He snapped at me and told me I was ruining his night.

In temper, and also because he was around all his friends, I felt very embarrassed and walked out, collecting my bag.

We had a quite row in the car park and one word barred another. I told him all he was worried about was his vodka and I took it out of my bag to pour it out. He grabbed it and smashed it down straight in front of me.

I got a fright and walked off, while he shouted and called me a stupid f-in c word.

I had no house keys but walked home. He wad ringing and ringing and I told him I wanted keys to get into our house. He finally came around and opened the door and I went straight upstairs to bed. He shouted at me that I was a f-in bitch and he hoped I was proud of myself as I ruined his night.

Then I get a text from him sayin he was going out before he did something stupid. I came down stairs and he was having a glass of water but there was a steak knife on the worktop.

I asked him why it was out and he said that he was being silly. He then said he was going back out and would I come out. I said no and his reply was I love you.

I said why are you saying that and he said I just want you to know I love you and then he left.

Five minutes later I get a picture message with showing his hand full of tablets and underneath sayinhg "I won't be home". He was basically telling me he was taking an overdose.

Panic ensued and I called him, his phone was off. I eventually got thru to his friend and found out that he was with them. I called his friend and my husband came on the phone. I asked him why would he send a horrible picture like that and he said he was on messing.

I went mad telling him it was a disgraceful thing to do and he hung up on me. I then got a text from him saying sorry he sent the picture.

Im so depressed, as last week after he wet himself, he sent a picture drunk to his cousin saying that because I was giving out to him for drinking too much that he was going to hang himself.

Im in work in the morning. I am so depressed about all of this that I really cannot face going in. However I was out of work sick myself two weeks ago. Im wondering can I take a force majore day? Would I qualify? Im so f'd up and upset.

Merkin

What a manipulative piece of work he is. I wouldn't normally be an advocate of ultimatums but he needs to sort himself out immediately or I'd ask him to leave. Drinking to the point of incontinence, name calling and suicide threats because of drink is totally unacceptable, sit him down sober and tell him you're not putting up with it a moment longer.

maria34

Your partner is alcoholic and abusive bully. That knife was there to make you afraid how you dont see that? And pic was to manipulate you. Id run a mile seriously. Wetting the bed is really bad sign of his deep addiction. My uncle did that and he was really badly addicted to drink then already.

LegacyUser

Hi op here

Thank you all for the replies.

Well today was on of the hardest days of my life. To say my spul is destroyed is an understatement.

He did take an attempted overdose and was found passed out after some searching last night. He is not with me today. He is in his parents. Im so depressed from this matter. How I managed to get through a 9 hour shift today on only 1 hour broken sleep.

The panic I have been feeling all day, the wretching in my tummy its awful.

I was told he has spent the day in tears, admitted to everyone that he has a major problem and wants to check himself in somewhere for help.

I don't know if I can help anymore. I am worn out. I have zero motivation left to help. I don't know if I can face another day in work tomorrow, however calling sick is an absolute no no.

I was debating calling my manager and discussing my dilemma but I really do not want my business in work. I really dont know what to do.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. Having said that, there is nothing really that you or anyone else could have done to change it, nor is there anything that you can do now. It's an issue that only he can confront, and get through with the help of professionals. You can be behind him as he takes these steps, but you can't take the steps for him.

Regarding work, all you have to do is call your boss and explain that there has been an emergency over the weekend regarding your husband, and that you need a day off to get yourself together. You don't have to go into details about what exactly has happened, and if he's an anyway decent boss, he won't push for details either.

You may not have considered this, but have you thought about getting some counselling yourself? With your husbands mental abuse over the past while, and now this, you have been through a lot and it may well be beneficial for you to talk to a professional too. They will be able to help you process what you have been through, and will also be able to advise you on how to deal with your husband and what he is going through.

LegacyUser

Thanks mike.

Im being completely honest, I have never felt more alone than I do right now. I feel so embarrassed by this whole situation that I cant dream of telling my parents or friends, particularly my parents. I am afraid they will go balistic, telling me to get away from him.

I feel thats my decision, while I know its the right thing to do, I dont feel that im ready to make any decision yet, as its so raw.

Complicated with work, as im supposed to be going on a business meeting for three days away. They wont have anyone to replace me tomorrow.

I really dont know what I have done to deserve this. Totally unfair.

ABajaninCork

OP - Can you take annual leave? Explain that there is an emergency and that you need the time off to deal with it. If you can, try to get at least three days if not a week off. I'm not sure one day will take care of all you need to take care of.

I agree with Mike.ie. Don't blame yourself, and don't beat yourself up. Your husband is an adult and fully responsible for his actions. And definitely get some counselling for yourself. I think you really need it.

Is there any way you can stay with a friend/family for a few days? I think if your family don't already know, then you should tell them. You're so going to need their support. I also think you need physical space away from home to evaluate what's happened.

Lots and lots of luck, OP. Hang tough!

Tokyo

sichusband wrote: »

Thanks mike.

Im being completely honest, I have never felt more alone than I do right now. I feel so embarrassed by this whole situation that I cant dream of telling my parents or friends, particularly my parents. I am afraid they will go balistic, telling me to get away from him.

I understand your reluctance to tell somebody, but it sounds like you really do need a friend right now. You don't have to tell the world, but you really should confide in someone, a friend that you trust not to tell others, and who you can talk things through with. Part of what is stressing you right now is having to keep it all bottled up inside yourself, I would imagine.

Complicated with work, as im supposed to be going on a business meeting for three days away. They wont have anyone to replace me tomorrow.

Ask yourself how productive you think you could honestly be at a three day business trip right now, being in the frame of mind that you are. Work will be disappointed sure, but personal disasters happen to the best of us, and work just has to learn to bend to it. It's happened before, and it will happen again.

I really don't know what I have done to deserve this. Totally unfair.

You haven't. As I said in my earlier post, there's nothing you did to deserve it, nor anything you could have done to prevent it. The responsibility for this falls firmly in your husband's lap.

thefeatheredcat

I would call work and explain even the basics of the situation, this is far, far more serious a situation than a 3 day business trip. Your manager should be made aware of the situation, not just because they can give you the time to deal with it, but because for business reasons, they will need someone on that trip that will be 100% focused on the purpose of it and you going would be an injustice to yourself if you're in bits over what has happened and your performance over the trip could be seen unfavourably without the knowledge that something major has happened, where otherwise an allowance and exception for the circumstances with your husband could be made.

If it's an absolute impossibility in taking the time off, then you need to be assured that he is ok over with his parents and that others can check in on them. And you need to talk this out. There is nothing, absolutely nothing embarrassing about this whole situation and you have no reason to feel that way. You need to let family and friends know, so they can support you. If you really feel you can't talk to them, for fear of a negative reaction (although you can never be really sure how anyone would react) then talk to an organisation like the Samaritans. You don't need to go through all this alone.

RossFixxxed

I have never said anything like this on PI, but he is a complete low life. Using SUICIDE as a means to control someone is beneath any contempt. It is out and out evil.

You NEED to leave. You said you can't telll your parents as they'll tell you to leave him. They're absolutely right. They love and care about you and they have some distance from the situation. As a complete outsider this is horrifying to me. You need to leave.

It's not the drink, the wetting the bed: it's the threaths and the usinging killing himself as a leash to control you with. This situation is absolutely the full 100% awful, and frightening. I have so much sympathy for you, but I have to be harsh. You need to leave. This will get worse and worse and will escalate.

Your life hangs in the balance here. You have a short term hurt now, or potentially years of misery. God forbid even worse, none of us want to see you hurt or killed when he goes off on another drunken rampage. Or the mental scarring him attempting an OD again and saying it's your fault.

IT IS HIS FAULT ENTIRELY. That's the cold hard fact of it. You don't deserve any of this, and he doesn't deserve to have you at all. It sucks, but cut the cord now for your sake.