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I want another baby

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  • 04-04-2014 10:38pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    My husband and I have one child that is almost 2. I'd love another but he is isistant hat we are only ever having one! No discussion. Final answer. He found the baby stage quite hard and I did suffer from PND and it was a tough year. I'm not saying I want one right now but I definitely would like another child. We talked about this before marriage and children and I always insisted I was open to two and he said he only wanted one. We never agreed on anything. Just more said we'd see how it goes. I do understand his reasoning, we have a great time now, our child is easy, has a routine and we are fine financially and he doesn't want to rock the boat. I can't help longing or another baby though! what can I do?


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    #2
    Kidchameleon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,482 ✭✭✭Kidchameleon


    He told you before you got married that he only wanted one child. You knew what you were getting into. It would be unfair to push him on this seeing as he had the decency to lay his cards on the table beforehand. In saying that, your child is not even two years old! Chill out, he might feel different in a year or two, there is no rush unless of course the biological clock is ticking...


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    #3
    Flippyfloppy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,748 ✭✭✭Flippyfloppy


    Kidchameleon wrote: »
    He told you before you got married that he only wanted one child. You knew what you were getting into. It would be unfair to push him on this seeing as he had the decency to lay his cards on the table beforehand. In saying that, your child is not even two years old! Chill out, he might feel different in a year or two, there is no rush unless of course the biological clock is ticking...

    On the flip side OP said she wanted two , so he knew what he was getting in to!?


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    #4
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Have you made it clear how much you want another child? And has he told you what his reasons are for not wanting any more children? By discussing it properly instead of each just stating what you want and saying "we'll see how it goes", you may find that he may be more open to having a second child if his concerns are discussed properly, and possible solutions put forward.

    Nobody has mentioned it yet, but DON'T go down the road of deceiving him by coming off the pill or whatever - it's a huge risk that could put your entire relationship on very shaky ground, and obviously not a morally right thing to do at all. It takes two people to have a child and unless it was a genuine accident then it takes two people to decide how many to have.


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    #5
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,908 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    If it's a case that he's worried that you'll get PND again if you have a second child, it might reassure him (and you) to know that just because you get it after one child you aren't necessarily going to get it with subsequent children. I had it very badly after my baby was born, and mentioned it to my GP that I was afraid if I had other children it would happen again, and he said having it once doesn't mean it's always going to happen. Some time later I was talking it over with a colleague who has 3 kids, she mentioned that she was fine after the first, got PND with the second, and was fine after the third.


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    #6
    araic88
    Registered Users Posts: 313 ✭✭araic88


    I'd imagine PND would be easier to recognise/understand/get help for a second time too, if it were to arise again.

    I have a few male friends who found the first few years of parenting difficult and said they found it easier when their kids were at the "fun" and less demanding stages of 3/4 on. Maybe he'll feel differently in a few years?


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    #7
    Chucky the tree
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,341 ✭✭✭✭Chucky the tree


    Flippyfloppy wrote: »
    On the flip side OP said she wanted two , so he knew what he was getting in to!?



    She said she was open to having two. Huge difference between the two. OP's husband nailed his colours to the mast while the OP didn't and more half-assed it.


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    #8
    tinkerbell
    Registered Users Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    There's a difference OP in being "open to two" and "wanting two for definite". Your husband told you he only ever wanted ONE child before you got married, and you still married him. It is unfair now to change the goal posts if he is not happy with more than one.

    Put it this way, what if the roles were reversed and you only wanted one child and always said so, and now he was pressuring you to have a second? I'm sure you wouldn't be too impressed then. Be happy with what you've got. It is not a crime to only want one child and your husband should not be punished for that, especially when he was totally honest and upfront about only wanting one all along.


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    #9
    Voltex
    Registered Users Posts: 1,580 ✭✭✭Voltex


    Have to say..the weird thing about marriage is that you have two people that are on the same wavelength. When I got married I had no notion of how many kids I wanted...I had one, thgen two and when number three came along I knew that was it. And my wife was the same...we had such a strong bond we knew what each other wanted. We knew each other so well...there was no need for discussion.


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    #10
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    People change too. As a man, often men who are mad to have kids cool off when they have one and vice versa. Also agree that kids are more fun when they get out of the baby stage.


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    #11
    MouseTail
    Registered Users Posts: 1,663 ✭✭✭MouseTail


    What a difficult situation. I disagree with those saying he said he wanted one before marriage so tough! Goalposts, ambitions, needs change over time, and will need to be renegotiated within a marriage. I think you need you have an open honest discussion with him, where he can speak openly about his fears. I think you might be more likely to find people who have gone through this over on the parenting board.


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Most couples find the first year hard with a baby but he had to deal with your pnd also.
    Your child is now 2 and it is now getting easier for you both.
    You may be getting some comments from people telling you that you should have a brother/sister for the baby but it is no ones business how many children you have.

    At the moment you have no financial worries but if you had another child you could find that you would be working to pay for the cost of childcare.
    If you give up work and your husband was suddenly put on a 3 day week or lost his job how would you cope? I know couples that this has happened to and they are under a lot of stress due to a lack of money.

    At this stage I would tell you not to get pregnant thinking he will be happy once the baby arrives as long term it will do nothing for your marriage.
    I would accept that your husband told you before you married that he only wanted one child and be glad of what you have.
    I know a lot of couples that would love to have one healthy child and no money worries.


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    #13
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Flippyfloppy wrote: »
    On the flip side OP said she wanted two , so he knew what he was getting in to!?

    This is so simplistic and frankly stupid. It's not some simple game of who wins in the marriage, another human being can be affected by those disagreements. It doesn't matter if husband wanted ten kids before the marriage, it matters how wanted would that child be now. People change, their wishes change but I would rather clear things up before trying to bring another human being into the world.

    Op, maybe if you wait a year or so, when your child will be a bit more independent and closer to school and visit the subject again. And memory of a hard year will fade a bit too.


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    #14
    Engine No.9
    Registered Users Posts: 1,128 ✭✭✭Engine No.9


    If you want your husband resenting you for pushing him to have a second child that he really doesn't want, go right ahead. But be prepared for a very rocky road ahead. If he gives in and eventually says yes, be very sure that he is saying yes because he wants it, otherwise... well, I've said it already. I speak from experience.


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    #15
    Hannibal Smith
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,893 ✭✭✭Hannibal Smith


    You have to talk about it properly. Its not good if one party is laying down the law to the other without even wanting to discuss it.

    I think you need to find out why he wants one child only. Is it because thats what he always wanted or because of how things were afterwards? Btw just in case it's the latter. ..its not your fault how things turned out afterwards. ..pnd can strike anyone and can be treated if you speak out.

    Also 2 years is kind of the honey moon period. ..your child is probably sleeping through the night and you've all got in to your stride. Having a second one and risking disturbing the balance can be daunting. I think its probably something that goes through most parent's heads?

    But find out his reasoning first and go from there. If its something he's definite about. ..only you can decide if you can live with that andnot use it as ammunition when there's a row.


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