Fighting with boyfriend

LegacyUser

I am madly in love for the first time in my life and at 31 it was a long time coming, I haven't had any proper relationships before this so my coping skills are poor when it comes to conflict in a relationship. I sulk, scream and I have hit my boyfriend at times. This morning he came home drunk and making noise, I had only gotten to sleep and had to be up in a couple of hours. As you can imagine, I woke up in a mood and he woke up when I made noise. He called me names, fat c**t, silly b***h etc and I just lost and hit him several times around the head. He reacted for the first time ever and pinned me down, bruising and scratching my breast and then he kicked me off the bed. I got up and he sat on the bed and he kicked me.

We both come from families where issues were occasionally sorted out with violence and our financial situation is very stressful at the moment. Neither of us have had a serious relationship before and we can't get a handle on dealing with.

I know I will get a lot of abuse for the physical violence and I am know that I introduced that element to our relationship, but I really need advice from anyone who learned to cope with tension in a relationship. I also know many of you will say 'oh, once the violence starts it never ends'. I don't agree with this, my own father learned how to control his violent temper, I take after him so there must be a way I can learn to deal with issues without losing it completely. In fairness to my boyfriend, he is normally very calm and is good at bringing me down. But this is a marker in our relationship and I at least want to try and control my anger issues. Even if we do call it quits, the same issue will just follow me around and I am real believer in facing issues head on.

bp

Well if you think this can really work...and to be honest it sounds very unhealthy, then I would say you both need to go see a counsellor both separately for your own issues and as a couple.

Violence, name calling etc is not love! My OH would never call me those names and I would not raise my hand to him.

Maybe both cut out the alcohol for a while and please please please speak to someone especially before considering bringing children into the relationship (if I is in your future).

You both need to learn to respect each other and learn that there are other ways to communicate otherwise this will end with jail time for one or both of you

Hoochiemama

I have no intention of lecturing you on violence. Whats happening here is understandable (but not acceptable!!). You both have grown up in households where violence was present. As a child you absorbed this and on some subconcious level see it as acceptable behaviour and it become normalised

This is why, even though afterwards you know its wrong, your instinct in the heat of the moment is to react violently - its a subconcious behavioural pattern there since childhood.

Childhood thought patterns and behaviour is actually the hardest to break. What we learn in childhood (or what we witness and how our brain processes this) is the deepest ingrained layer in us.

The great thing is you have awareness that what is happening is wrong and you have the want to make an effort at changing.

I would suggest CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) for you both. This is a great therapy and could help in your situation.

Do address the issue though. If in future you end up having children yourselves, you dont want them to be subjected to the same kind of stuff you and your OH were.

You are both abusive partners. If it were just one, the advice would be for whoever is on the receiving end to walk away. Since you are both on the receiving end, though him more-so as you admitted that you were the one who initiated the violence and it was the first time he reacted, then you should both walk away.

You have to sit down and think whether this relationship is worth having if this is as bad as it was. I completely get that you come from a bad place, but if it were me and my partner had been as violent as you seem to be, I would have walked away without a second's hesitation.

Whatever you decide about your relationship, you need help. There's no denying that.

ahnow

Aside from the violence, why would you want to be with someone that calls you a "fat c***" and "silly b****"?
From the outside this sounds extremely dysfunctional, and a horrible situation to be in. I understand that you both have come from backgrounds where abuse like this would have been normalised, but I think anyone from the outside looking at this would say that you shouldn't have to fight someone to get them to respect you, they either treat you with respect or they don't, and if they don't, perhaps it's time to walk away, or the cycle will just continue.

Tigger99

The way you so glibly say that issues were occasionally sorted out with violence suggests that on some level you think this is ok. You both need seperate counselling and asap.

Merkin

Physicalstuff wrote: »

I also know many of you will say 'oh, once the violence starts it never ends'. I don't agree with this, my own father learned how to control his violent temper, I take after him so there must be a way I can learn to deal with issues without losing it completely.

Look, there's no point in trying to normalize it. Your behavior and your boyfriend's behavior is NOT normal, you sound just as bad as each other.

You are both involved in a toxic relationship where there are two violent perpetrators. Neither of you have ever held down an adult relationship and neither of you sound remotely ready for one either.

I think you should both agree to go your separate ways and go and seek help for your anger issues as a matter of priority. To reiterate, your behavior and his behavior is NOT normal, whatever way you want to present it.

Hannibal Smith

First step is recognising how crap you felt when he was violent towards you and perhaps bear in mind that that's how he feels when you hit him.

On no level is hitting another person okay, no matter what your family background is. Saying your boyfriend is usually calm and good at 'bringing you down' isn't a responsibility a boyfriend should have to face. It sounds as if you think you hitting him is some how more palatable than him hitting you? If so, that's the first thing you should get your head round. It is not okay to hit him and it's just as awful as him hitting you.

How did your father deal with it? How did he stop? Are you still in contact with him?

Until you have your anger issues dealt with you are like a ticking time bomb so I would think separating from your boyfriend, until you are in control is the best advice. It's not as simple as asking people on an internet forum, you have to talk to a GP, or counsellor and get professional help.

LegacyUser

Sorry Op this will be harsh but all I see in your post are excuses. And they don't wash. You take after your father, violence was the answer growing up yada yada yada...You don't treat your work colleagues or friends the way you treat your bf do you? So you absolutely can control your temper when it suits you to. (Same goes for your bf too for that matter)


You are not in love with this man, you are in love with the drama of it all.

You are both toxic together and you should leave him, but you won't, we all know that.

You absolutely should seek counselling and try get to the root of why you attempt to seek out attention by hitting your partner.

Again - You are not a 4 year old child, you can control your temper. I doubt you've ever smacked your boss around when they've upset you, so at least have the decency to be honest with yourself and stop making excuses and take responsibility for your own behaviour.

This may be harsh OP but if you were a male poster coming on here saying you hit your gf because of your upbringing imagine then responses you'd get and rightly so. Male or Female no one should ever hit a partner. Ever. You don't hit your bf because your dad was like that, or your family. It's all you. You hit him, you're the one raising a hand to him. Not them. You.


You are an abusive partner, your bf is an abusive partner. Neither of you should be in a relationship with anyone until you've taken full responsibility for your behaviour and seen a counsellor and completely resolved your issues.