Stuff that should never be said or done during speeches

amdublin

Idea from another thread "everyone said my wedding was the wedding they've ever been to"


Suggestions of stuff that should not be part of speeches. Please add to it on the basis of what you've seen at weddings.

1. Cursing

2. Reference in any shape or form to previous girlfriends/boyfriends/fiancees/husbands/wives etc. Just don't mention them!

3. Smut. Our best man was constantly saying "I'm thinking of saying this". "what do you think about this" And I was like Jimmy (not real name), you can say anything you want as long as there is no smut or innuendo in it.

4. Smart/rude comments about the b&g (or anyone) that are supposed to be "funny". It's not, it's just rude.

5. Loooooooonnng speeches. Max. 4 minutes to each speaker IMO

littlelulu

Mentioning every single person that has died in the family and can't be there.....

It really just killllllls the mood and the majority of people haven't a clue who the person actually is. I think its nice to include very very close relatives e.g a parent but do it in a way that they are included in a funny story or something.

I have been to a wedding where a list (yes a list) of dead people was produced and people didn't know where to look or what to do after a few minutes.

I have been to a wedding where the deceased person was included into a funny story. People were in the stitches, got a better idea of what the person was actually like and still got the message that the person wasn't there.

Agent Smith

Not get too drunk Pre Speech.

lazygal

Reading messages from people who couldn't come to the wedding.
Photo slideshows.
Long tedious anecdotes.
Smutty stories.
Copying stuff off the internet like jokes.

.....or from grooms father "congratulations Gerry, say goodbye to half the farm"

clint_silver

"Id just like to say"

Stepping Stone

littlelulu wrote: »

Mentioning every single person that has died in the family and can't be there.....

It really just killllllls the mood and the majority of people haven't a clue who the person actually is. I think its nice to include very very close relatives e.g a parent but do it in a way that they are included in a funny story or something.

I have been to a wedding where a list (yes a list) of dead people was produced and people didn't know where to look or what to do after a few minutes.

I have been to a wedding where the deceased person was included into a funny story. People were in the stitches, got a better idea of what the person was actually like and still got the message that the person wasn't there.

This 100%. One section of my family lost a close family member, but every single wedding, they talk about how this person has left a huge hole in their lives and then they talk about losing other people and how sad they are because those people can't be there (grandparents who have been dead for almost two decades, an uncle who died long before anyone from our generation was born). It is just so morbid, happens every time though (four weddings & counting). They all end up in tears and the guests have no idea what way to look. I think it would be lovely for them to say that they wish that person was there, and they would have a great day, but the very sad and slow way this person died and their suffering are always brought into every speech and the prayer before dinner.

I should add that this person will be dead 16yrs this week, so it isn't a recent thing.

cookiecakes

Fathers giving their son/daughter's entire cv. I was at one where we heard the groom's entire academic career and his wonderful job and all the people that report to him. It was mortifying for all involved!

littlelulu

lazygal wrote: »

Reading messages from people who couldn't come to the wedding.
Photo slideshows.
Long tedious anecdotes.
Smutty stories.
Copying stuff off the internet like jokes.

Reading the cards....... Crinnnnnnnge!!!

Toots

• Swearing of any sort, especially if there's a large contingent of 'elderly' relatives there.
• Insinuating or outright saying that the bride is a whore/slut/loose/has a past/knows a few tricks etc
• Same in reverse for the groom - no mentions of pervious conquests, reputation with the ladies, notches in the bedpost.
• Recounting an amusing tale from the early days of the couples' relationship where they were caught riding in [insert inappropriate location/time]. Yes, I've heard this done at two weddings.
• Any jokes regarding what the couple are going to be getting up to on the wedding night - we all know they're going to be shagging the pants off each other, I don't think their parents need to be reminded though.
• Stories/anecdotes from the hen/stag parties. Particularly those involving strippers/hookers/lapdancing. What happens on tour stays on tour.
• Either of the dads insinuating that the bride/groom isn't good enough for their son/daughter.
• Parents of the bride/groom expressing their happiness that the couple are now married because it means that the kids they had 'out of wedlock' will now have a proper family. (Yes, I've heard this one said also.)
• Doing 'open mic' where the best man basically goes around to a few tables and gets people there to say a few words about the B&G
• Reading out cards/messages from every single non-attendee. Just select a few and read those, or just say something like "a,b,c,d,e,f and g couldn't be here, but they wish the happy couple all the best'

Also re the long speeches, a relative of my husband's got married a few years ago, and the guy she's married to is from a family of politicians. The speeches from his side were like a bloody party political broadcast. They wen't on and on, honestly I was praying for Miriam O'Callaghan to come in and tell them they were out of time and would have to leave it there.

I think generally it's a bad sign if the best man is actually getting heckled by the other guests because his speech is going on so long. Some of the hecklers were actually pretty funny, a very elderly aunt on the bride's side was priceless, she's at that stage where she's so old she just doesn't give a fcuk anymore. At one point she starts shouting "Will ya get on with it? I'll be dead and buried before the first dance at this stage!"

cookiecakes

Toots* wrote: »

• Stories/anecdotes from the hen/stag parties. Particularly those involving strippers/hookers/lapdancing. What happens on tour stays on tour.

That reminds me I was at one where the Best Man used the phrase 'What goes on tour stays on tour' 16 times in his 45 minutes speech. I don't think I've ever wanted to murder someone more!!

Also, filling speeches with in jokes that about 4 people get and leave everyone else baffled is another thing that people should stop. Just stop.

Toots

cookiecakes wrote: »

That reminds me I was at one where the Best Man used the phrase 'What goes on tour stays on tour' 16 times in his 45 minutes speech. I don't think I've ever wanted to murder someone more!!

Also, filling speeches with in jokes that about 4 people get and leave everyone else baffled is another thing that people should stop. Just stop.

Translation: the groom has a checkered past when it comes to the laydees :rolleyes: I hate when people do that.

Ann Landers

Toots* wrote: »

she's at that stage where she's so old she just doesn't give a fcuk anymore.

Cannot WAIT for that stage of life. :cool:

Typer Monkey

I've two bugbears when it comes to speeches. One is when people read from a sheet of paper in front of them. I don't mean bullet points but when someone has word for word what they are going to say on a sheet in front of them and they read it out in an unnatural droning voice, so hard to listen to.

The other one is long speeches. The last few weddings I've been at it seems that the world and it's mother want to say something.. Both dads, both mothers, bridesmaid, bride, groom, groomsmen, the bestman. The most recent wedding I was at the speeches went on for an hour and 45 minutes. People were so bored they were getting up and wandering off. I was loosing the will to live

John Mason

Do not talk about the bride's nasty temper or her tendency to break/throw things when she doesn't her way.

Or her taste in expensive designer shoes and how she it lucky to be marrying a wealthy man

amdublin

John Mason wrote: »

Do not talk about the bride's nasty temper or her tendency to break/throw things when she doesn't her way.

Or her taste in expensive designer shoes and how she it lucky to be marrying a wealthy man

Agree no need.

bee06

Definitely long speeches! My future father in law spoke for an hour at his other sons wedding! We've given him a 10 min time limit but I don't think he's going to stick to it!

LynnGrace

I've never witnessed any painful ones but have heard of some. I witnessed one that wasn't great, where the groom's father had in-jokes in his speech, which meant nada to any of the rest of us. We still clapped politely.
Keep it simple and sincere would be my advice to anyone planning speeches.

joan mack

Short and sweet is the answer and if the bestman is not a good speaker get someone else to fill in on his behalf and always have the speeches after the meal. Its to much to listen to a lot of long winded speeches on an empty stomach

bbam

Was at a wedding last year of a relation who is a local politician.
The speeches went on for two hours. Many people left and more were totally wasted afterwards.
I'm best man next year and planning 5 minutes, keeping plain and simple. I'm not a naturally funny/ joke type of person and I'm not going to force it.

amdublin

I think best time for speeches are during desser. Or else during soup. At least your guests won't be sitting there starving and will give more attention to the speeches.

Malari

I was at a wedding years ago where the best man made some disturbing paedophilia innuendo regarding the bride's young teenage sister. It was all everyone talked about during the meal. Disgusting.

Ann Landers

Malari wrote: »

I was at a wedding years ago where the best man made some disturbing paedophilia innuendo regarding the bride's young teenage sister. It was all everyone talked about during the meal. Disgusting.

Oh dear. You win the thread!

username123

Toots* wrote: »

• Recounting an amusing tale from the early days of the couples' relationship where they were caught riding in [insert inappropriate location/time]. Yes, I've heard this done at two weddings.

^^ This. I was at a wedding where the pretty thick brother of the groom did this, guffawing and grinning like a mental defective throughout and the entire room just fell silent and looked at the floor.

username123

Malari wrote: »

I was at a wedding years ago where the best man made some disturbing paedophilia innuendo regarding the bride's young teenage sister. It was all everyone talked about during the meal. Disgusting.

Christ. I'm speechless (pardon the pun!).

cookiecakes

I was at a wedding where the groom's dad was so flustered that he used the c word when he was giving his speech. I don't know if he ever even realised he'd done it. It gave me a bit of a laugh though..The poor man!

BabysCoffee

littlelulu wrote: »

Mentioning every single person that has died in the family and can't be there.....

It really just killllllls the mood and the majority of people haven't a clue who the person actually is. I think its nice to include very very close relatives e.g a parent but do it in a way that they are included in a funny story or something.

I have been to a wedding where a list (yes a list) of dead people was produced and people didn't know where to look or what to do after a few minutes.

I have been to a wedding where the deceased person was included into a funny story. People were in the stitches, got a better idea of what the person was actually like and still got the message that the person wasn't there.

Yup I agree mentioning of dead people should be limited.

One wedding I was at mentioned that John Doe can't be here because he took ill in the church and has been taken to the hospital. It was so tasteless to mention this for the following reasons
1. Did the guy himself really want his health condition reported on from the top table
2. All he had was some type of locked knee from sitting so long
3. The other guests didn't really know him or care.
I then also heard the bride having to field questions about this randomers health after the speeches........way to ruin your wedding!

3rdDegree

People should NEVER get their speeches from the internet. It's just the same tired old jokes bring recycled over and over: "Being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to the queen....", "this isn't the first time I've stood up from a warm seat today with paper in my hand..." And so on...

Gatica

I agree with the in-jokes...was at a wedding where bride gave the longest speech. Mentioned every single friend from college with anecdotes ending with "you know who you are" or "you get what I'm saying" with reference to the person to whom the story was addressed. This was quite a big wedding so most people were bored and not a clue bout her stories.
Heard from a friend that at one wedding the best man arranged a few keys handed out to fellas in the crowd and then during speech said she'd got around and would every guy she'd been with come up and throw their keys in the hat.... INSANE!!!

Wabbit Ears

I did a best man speech where I mentioned an ex who he was with when we met...Fcuk that went down like a proverbial lead balloon, You know those mega cringe memories you have that creep up and slap you in the back of the head when you're in the shower or something...that is one of mine!!!

Was at a cousins wedding and what seemed like every second sentance they (Groom and Father) went on and fcuking on and on about their deceased Mother, dead 10 years or so. Even the more respectful aunts and uncles were rolling their eys at this.

I really dont get why people who didnt come to the wedding get airtime during the speeches. Its not like anyone at the wedding (except the B&G) will contact them and tell them how lovely their words were in their PFO letter.

Arbiter of Good Taste

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

I did a best man speech where I mentioned an ex who he was with when we met...Fcuk that went down like a proverbial lead balloon, You know those mega cringe memories you have that creep up and slap you in the back of the head when you're in the shower or something...that is one of mine!!!.

Whatever made you think the reaction would have been otherwise?

Wabbit Ears

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

Whatever made you think the reaction would have been otherwise?

Whatever made you think the answer to that question is not completly self evident?

cactuspaw

was at a wedding once where one of the speeches mentioned how proud they were that the couple "had not succumbed to modern day values and lived in sin before the wedding like so other young people".

twas awful.

stargazer 68

My mum and dad were at a wedding where the grooms father spoke about the groom - as you do. He went on and on about his academic achievements and how proud they were of him. Then carried on about his daughter and her academic achievements and where she was working now etc etc. Think the daughter got more of a mention than the groom! :rolleyes: