Husband with low self esteem

LegacyUser

My husband is an outgoing, sociable person with crippling low self esteem. His lack of self esteem has created problems we have had to deal with continuously through the years, but each time I thought they were separate issues. It's only now that I can join the dots and see it was all related to the one bigger issue.

He has been in counselling for 10 months. It is helping, slowly, although we are now struggling to deal with some really big skeletons in his closet, on top of every day life. He is more self aware, seeing some of his problems more clearly and even tackling a few of them, all of which is no doubt difficult for him. He is not depressed and he is keeping busy but is probably not looking after himself as well as he could be, I mean with hobbies and exercise and focussing on himself if that makes sense. I try to be as supportive and patient as I can be, and I know that putting blame on someone with low self esteem obviously isn't going to help matters but I am tired and stressed and running out of patience.

The latest issue is him looking for work. His hours at work were cut 2 years ago. He told me he would look for other work, he didn't. He is not work shy, he's an extremely hard worker, but doesn't like change and hates the rejection element of job seeking - who doesn't. Our financial situation worsened and he started looking for work in the last 6 months but he's now told me it hasn't been a 100% effort. He's sending out cvs but not changing them to suit the job advertised, not looking for feedback, the kind of things someone desperate to get a job would do.

I feel bitterly disappointed. I have tried to give him space and time but he knows we are struggling financially and while I want him to find a job he can be happy in and I don't want to back him into a corner, I really, really need him to find a job. His response is that he's making progress because he's actually sending out cvs and he didn't realise he wasn't giving it 100% but now that he sees that he will.

A lot of his issues over the years have been to do with ignoring things he's uncomfortable with, sticking his head in the sand, until the issue becomes much worse and eventually I have to step in and ask what's going on. These conversations are never good, he gets upset, I get upset and ultimately I feel I have to shoulder the responsibility for him and whatever latest problem he's not dealing with. The job hunt is just another issue and another promise that things will be better. I'm tired of hearing that and being disappointed, because our conversation might or might not solve today's problem but there's always another one around the corner. And I'm tired of upsetting him because I'm upset.

How does this problem get solved? Yes the counselling is helping but how much is it helping if he thinks just firing out cvs is ok and that it's ok that I'm struggling to support the two of us and have been for some time? Nobody with ok self esteem would be ok with that, they would do anything they could to get a job.

I'm not looking for a quick fix but I need something I can hold onto. A time frame or a plan of action or something concrete. The job hunt is the big thing looming over me right now, but even if he got a job in the morning, I need to know the overall self esteem issue is going to get better and I don't even know if that is possible or how.

blatantrereg

Honestly it sounds like you are trying to run his life for him. If doesn't sound like you discuss things as partners, but more like you are dictating.

If he is applying for jobs for six months and not getting anywhere then maybe he just doesn't have skills and experience that are marketable at the moment.

I don't really get why you are struggling financially if he is working part-time and you are working full-time. Perhaps you might look at budgeting your finances better. Is it just that you resent being the primary breadwinner? If he is working less hours than you then it would be fair if he took on more housekeeping etc.

A good strategy in conflict is to focus on yourself and your own point of view, and avoid commenting on the other person too much. This is more likely to result in constructive communication.

Matteroffact

To be honest OP you are not contributing to his self esteem, but on the contrary making him feel worse about himself. Try encouraging him in a nice way and you might make more progress.