Is he a player?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Long time lurker, first time poster.. :P

I recently got chatting to a guy on a "dating" app of sorts. Wasn't looking to hook up with anyone, just a lot of my friends were using it and I wanted to try it out, wasn't expecting anything from it.

Long story short, got chatting to this guy and we really hit it off. As in the first few nights staying up til all hours talking about everything and anything and it turns out we have loads in common.

I wasn't looking to meet anyone and it's been a long time since I've been in a relationship, however this guy kept saying all the right things, telling me how much he liked me, would love to meet up, could really see a future with us etc.. Now some of this was sounding alarm bells - i mean we haven't even met yet in person, let alone even spoken on the phone. But i'll be honest, I really started to like him (yes, stupid and crazy I know!) and I even opened up to him about some personal issues and that didn't scare him off.

He has a child and I think he's only recently broken up with the mother, so I'm thinking he may be on a rebound or he's just a shameless flirt. Why? Well, we've been messaging on a few apps and all of his "top" friends are females.. nothing wrong with that of course, but I can't help feeling that he's possibly a bit of a player.

He doesn't instigate conversation as much / readily as he used to and now often when when have convos he doesn't end the conversation with a "got to go, talk later" or similar - he just simply vanishes. But when he is in contact he tells me how much he misses me and how much he likes me - so why then doesn't he initiate conversation more? I realise he's busy with family stuff and work etc.. but it wouldn't kill him to send an odd text now and again if he really does miss me, would it?

He's anxious for us to meet up and I did want to at first, now I'm changing my mind however. I do like him, but I don't want to put myself out there with the possibility of getting hurt if it just turns out he's rather fond of lots of girls and is a player at the end of the day.

I feel so stupid for writing this. We haven't even met but we really clicked in a way I never have with anyone before. He says all the right things but his actions speak louder than words and I believe that speaks volumes.

I know I just might be over-reading into things but I can't help to get a bad feeling about him now and I should probably go with my gut instinct.. but on the other hand I want to be wrong for once and not be so cynical about everything.

Am I wrong in thinking that if he genuinely liked me he would be making more of an effort to get in touch more often? Or am I wrong for expecting this?

I feel like he's blowing hot and cold and it's leaving me oh so confused.

Would appreciate some outsiders opinions please, thank you.

Merkin

He sounds like he's full of sh1t and you sound like you've formed an unhealthy attachment to someone you've never exchanged two words with, let alone met.

How can you 'miss' someone you don't know from Adam? Or 'see a future' with some faceless randomer over the Web? He's talking rubbish and you've been gullible enough to fall for it.

I'd seriously advise you to close down any online dating accounts, re establish your grip on reality and work on forming real and tangible connections with people in the real world.

Tokyo

Sounds to me like you already know the answer to this question yourself OP - and the fact that you say that you wanted to meet at first but now you're not so sure implies that once the initial excitement has died town, reality has kicked in and all of the alarm bells are going off in your head regarding this guy and everything he has said to you so far.

It's easy to sit in front of a computer and type all the right things, how much he likes you, sees a future with you, wants to meet you - very intense statements for a first conversation IMHO but that's another story - and you are right, it's his actions rather than his words that will give you an idea of how he is going to treat you. And his actions are telling a concerning story right now. He doesn't instigate conversations anymore, and he drops you mid conversation - sounds to me like at best the buzz has worn off for him, or at worst the wife he's "separated from" is still very much in the picture and he's avoiding getting caught. Or a whole host of other things in between. The fact is, other than an online profile, you know absolutely nothing about this guy other than what he's told you.

Ultimately it's down to you what you want to do regarding this guy, but your gut instincts are telling you that there's something not quite right about all this, and I'm a firm believer in following your gut. Either way, good luck OP....

retro:electro

Sorry to say OP he just sounds like one of many, many players.

beks101

He's full of absolute shyte and you're far too emotionally invested in someone you've never met or actually know in any real sense.

My approach to dating sites, apps, etc has always been this: it's not real. It's not to be taken seriously until you make it 'real' - and you do that by logging off and committing zero time or emotions to their online persona until you've met them in the real world where they can't hide behind a silly username and a carefully manipulated photo or two.

And TBH I'm speaking from experience, because I've met too many guys who will jump into online 'relationships' and feed you any amount of bullshyte with no intention of delivering on their romantic rhetoric in any real sense because it becomes inconvenient when they're not hiding behind a computer screen. Or guys who seem to think that because they met you 'online' you're less worthy or the respect and recognition of someone that's standing right in front of them. Or guys with baggage who will seek a cheap aul ego boost from the gushing words of naive strangers they manage to coax into online relationships via these sites.

Essentially, you don't know WHAT you're getting, no matter how lovely and charming and disarming they seem. And this lad would be setting off serious alarm bells for me with his hot-and-cold 'you're-amazing's followed by the disappearing acts.

To be quite frank I think you need to get your nose out of your phone and work on your own self-esteem so that you're not as vulnerable as you seem to be to the cheap and easy words of some fool who's clearly just amusing himself with you, rather than committing to you in any way whatsoever.

IlmoNT4

Your gut is telling you that this dude is not cool and is trying to keep you safe. Listen to it..if it doesnt feel right, then it probably isnt...

You havent even met this guy in real life and already he's upsetting you... Red flag, delete the app, stop contacting him...he sounds very intense ...He says he has a future with you, but he's never met you... Read between the lines, hes feeding you nonsense to keep your attention.

Merkin

Brilliant post beks101!

OP, read it again, I think it sets everything out as clearly as can be.

strobe

Gah, I'm gonna go against the grain here a little. Why not just go on a date with the lad? Grab a cup of coffee sometime or whatever. You like him from chatting online, is it beyond all possibility he could feel the same? I'd say give yourself a good hard shake and slap in the face to remind yourself you haven't even met the guy yet, so getting attached already is a bit daft, then proceed as you should in terms of a date with any person you've only just met, with your eyes open and your brain in gear. What's the worst that could happen? Turns out he's spinning you a few lines and all he's interested in is a ride? Oh what a tragedy!! That's gonna be a possibility any time you date anyone for the rest of your life. But what you gonna do? Never date again? Join a convent in the Himalayas somewhere? Its possible the drop off in texting from him is due to the fact he met you on a dating app but you've been avoiding the dating part of the concept so far, understandable enough I feel.

Can't see the harm in getting a cup of coffee or a bite of lunch some day, to actually try to get to know each other a little in person, providing you feel the shake and slap have registered with yourself.

In future with the whole online dating thing, I think you've gotta treat the online part as just a way of making brief introductions with people to see if you'd like to meet them and not think of it as a way of actually trying to get to know someone in and of itself.

Best of luck.

LG3

Hi Poster i know exactly where your coming from i've been there done that. The fact that he suddenly goes quite is a tell tale sign something not right. But as one of the posters says no harm in meeting him, if he is a player you will find out soon enough.

Its very easy to fall in love with someone without meeting them when they say all the right things. Have heard of women handing over large sums of money without even meeting the person first, because gave them some sob story about being ill etc..