First chapter of a fantasy novel (violence, mild sexuality)

Metallucas

Hi there,

I'm currently writing a fantasy novel and I'd like to have some feedback on the first chapter. The main question being, of course, does that make you want to read what's next?

I'm looking for criticism so don't hesitate to tell me what you like and what you don't like, or if there's anything you don't understand. If you're actually enthusiast about it I'll let you read some more chapters. If you have something posted here that you'd like me to read, give me the link to the thread and I promise I'll have a look.

First, a rough synopsis: The Cursed King (I might change the title at a later stage) is the story of a former king, centuries old and cursed with immortality, and his quest to bring his wife back from the dead and slay the demon that holds her soul. Of course this is a bit of a crappy quest, so pretty soon we'll see that there is a lot more at stake, as we learn about his past and the nature of his heart, al the while reflecting about love.

The first chapter can be found here:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/e6tqlgz6ljwd2q5/Chapter%201.docx

GalwayGuy2

You know, I was weary of ths story but I actually kind of like it.

I may give a more detailed, and coherent, post tommorrow but I just thought I'd offer a it of fualts and advice.

One, your raiders didn't really have any obvious character. It's hard to do in a short space of time, but giving the characters more deapth would have made this minir arc more interesting and tense. Just give the raders some sort of relationship between them. Use smoke and mirrors if you have to.

Two: Your descriptions are sometimes sensously lacking.

He stabbed someone and you didn't describe the sounds, scents and touch?

It was only later on that I realized there genuinely isn't that much added texture to this story. t all seems to be sight?

Three: It appears to lack tension. I think it's because so many things happen in like a paragraph? The most obvious moment is

when the wizard tries to take the sword

. i think it might tie into number two.

Three: This is more a forewarning. Try and not have the queen be a blank character who's only there for the male's plot.
It's a bit of a cliche and there'll be so much added deapth if she has her own character.
Hell, maybe they actually had an unhappy relationship and he's seeing the grass as grenner?

Now for what I did like

One: You explore sexuality. It isn't just there to be titiliating (which there's nothing wrong with it being there for that reason) or trying to be edgy. You show a bit of their relationship and the love they felt. You could go deeper, but it's a nice beggining.

Two: There seems to be a good of worldbuildiing. The priests seemed kind of cool and his ancestores.I do get the sense that this is it's own world.

SO, I like it. :P

Metallucas

thanks, all of that is pretty useful! I think in the latest parts I use more sounds and smells and touching but it's true there's too much sight at the beginning, so I might go back and try to improve that. The raiders don't have any character because they're just here to die, but I guess I could develop them a little more, which means I'll need to look back at other "trash characters" as well.
As for the queen...

Well she actually is less than a blank character, she's just an object. in the whole story he only refers to her with possessives like "my queen" "my love" "my wife" we never even know her name, it's a pretty important defining trait for Jarren that he doesn't really love her, he's just obsessed with what she was to him and what he's lost. Without telling much more, there will be another woman later who will be an actual character.

Chavez

Well, I for one am already wrapped up in this one! More!