Functioning alcoholic boyfriend

kk67

I am with my boyfriend 8 years he is a very functioning alcoholic he makes it to work many times hungover and with little sleep and as he is able to do this he doesn't see the extent of his problem. Every day I get home from work he is in the pub he goes straight there from work and I have come to the end of my patience. If I am working and he is off he drinks all day I'm so frustrated and don't know what to do I'm miserable when he drinks I don't like the person he becomes he is nasty and says such hurtful things.he has ended up at the doctors several times over the years when he has had a heavy drinking few days and gets depressed and has panic attacks I've sat up all night with him through this with him promising to stop and asking me not to give up on him and leave and that he realises the effect his drinking has on our life but two days later he is back in the pub. He recently went off of it for 2 months and is back on it a week now I can't cope with it anymore I want to have kids as does he but that can't happen with things the way they are . I love him so much and other than his drinking there is not a single thing about him I don't like or would change. I don't know what to do anymore. I've read advice online on how to deal with this situation and I do all the things they say you shouldn't if he falls asleep drunk I set his alarm and make sure he wakes for work if he is out when I get home I go to the pub where he is I forgive the hurtful things he says to me when he's drunk I've threatened to leave if he didn't stop but he gets upset and says things will change and sometimes it does for a short time but we always end up back here again. I'm not perfect myself but his drinking affects us so much and I don't understand how someone who is supposed to love me can carry on hurting me and not caring how I feel he is remorseful the next day but still goes out drinking again

Magicmatilda

My advice - go to al anon and then walk away. You have no kids and are not married. He won't get help until he is ready and that may never happen.

logically

By staying with him you are enabling him to continue along the path he is on at the moment. As the previous poster has said - you have no strings to tie you down at the moment and you are very lucky in that regard. You may love him dearly, and can't imagine a future without him - but his first love is alcohol. Everything else is secondary at this moment. It's a very tough thing to do, but the most loving action to take is let him go. I wish you well - living with an alcoholic is soul destroying.

gizmo555

As the son of one alcoholic and brother of two more, I want to say as strongly as I can the last two posters are 110% right.

Leave him now and don't be swayed by all the hungover remorse. Above all do not even think about bringing children into this situation and inflicting it on them too. Alcoholism runs in families . . .

kk67

It's just so hard to let go I've put my heart and soul into it the last 8 years and just when I think I'm strong enough to leave things are good again for a while

ElleEm

OP, it must be so hard to consider leaving the man you love, but you need to do this for both of you. Your behaviour is enabling his behaviour, which means he is continuing to drink the way he does because you accept it, and help him (setting his alarm, etc.). If you leave him, he may realise he needs to change, or he may decide drink is more important. You say just as you get the courage to leave, things get good, but when things are bad, you won't leave because you may feel he needs you to look after him/ help him. You have to break the cycle.

logically

kk67 wrote: »

It's just so hard to let go I've put my heart and soul into it the last 8 years and just when I think I'm strong enough to leave things are good again for a while

That's the way of it. Lived through it for years at home with a sibling - things are good for a while and then the inevitable slide back to darkness and fear. I carry the scars of too many years where I couldn't leave and had nowhere to go. I feel your pain, I really do. Your own happiness and sanity must come first. You can't live your life in the brief periods of time when alcohol has taken over as the primary partner in the relationship.

kk67

Ive always been insecure and find myself clinging onto the good times and the person he is when he is not drinking it's so hard to imagine being happy with and loving someone else I know I'm enabling him and putting up with it and am so frustrated with myself I feel broken and weak that I haven't found the strength to leave

ElleEm

kk67 wrote: »

Ive always been insecure and find myself clinging onto the good times and the person he is when he is not drinking it's so hard to imagine being happy with and loving someone else I know I'm enabling him and putting up with it and am so frustrated with myself I feel broken and weak that I haven't found the strength to leave

Have you spoken to anyone else about this? Your friends or family? You may find having support from those who love YOU may give you strength and help you clarify your thoughts and make decisions regarding your future. You deserve to be happy all the time. Your friends of family will help you see that.

kk67

I've spoken to my sister about it I have a wonderful family and had such a happy loving childhood and she also says if I'm not happy I should leave I've been in denial making excuses for him like an unhappy childhood or grief and I've stuck with him I'm trying to muster up the courage to leave it's just so hard

ElleEm

There are no excuses, though. He is making these choices to damage his relationship with you by drinking. He is currently deciding you are less important than drink. You would be better off alone than being down the list of priorities he has you on.
Look at what is scaring you about leaving. There may be issues around finances and your fear of finding a new partner, but those issues are so small in relation to you gaining some self worth. You need to value yourself more.

Stavro Mueller

You're in love with a fantasy. Whether you like it or not, the alcoholic who refuses to stop drinking is every bit as big a part of this guy's personality as the aspects you love. You're clinging on to the vain hope that he'll stop drinking and things will improve. Sadly there's no sign that this is going to happen. As someone said earlier in this thread, alcohol is his first love.

LegacyUser

It is time for you to end this so called relationship. Your boyfriend is not going to change and he will always put the drink before you. You have wasted 8 years of your life with him - he will keep telling you what you want to hear but his actions should tell you how that the only thing that matters to him is the drink.

He is glad to have you there when he goes on a heavy drinking session and experiences panic attacks the next day. He is glad to have you there to pay the rent and bills.
He is glad your there to get him up for work each day other wise he would lose his job and therefore not have money to drink. O no he would still have money for drink as you will end up paying the rent/bills when he drinks his dole money.

At this stage you think I have been with him 8 years and think I have stayed with him this long what would people think if I broke up with him. I am sure your friends/family have noticed his drinking and made comments to you about this.
Or perhaps they have been talking to each other saying why is she staying with that waste of space.
How would you feel in a few years time if your friends were going on good holidays, getting married/having children or buying houses but meanwhile nothing like this is happening for you because you have no money due to his drinking.

You have been given good advice here but if you stay with him any longer you are just going to ruining your own life.
Let him ruin his own life if he wants but don't give let him ruin yours for much longer.

P. Breathnach

OP, set aside your own misery for the moment (just for the discussion: I don't want to suggest that your happiness doesn't matter).

I visualise your boyfriend as being happy in some way when he starts to drink; then, most likely, he drinks more and is no longer happy, just drunk; then he is hungover or sick or depressed. So, all in all, his drinking has a bad effect on him. And that's without taking you into consideration at all.

Where do you fit in? One thing you do is to enable him - you say that yourself. In fact, you give the lie to your description of him as a functioning alcoholc, because he quite possibly could not function without your active help. And he is not going to face up to his problem so long as you help him to escape the consequences of his behaviour.

It might be the best thing for him if you leave him. If he had to face the true consequences of his addiction, then he might be motivated to do something about it.

kk67

I've told him I want to leave il have to do it all over again tomorrow when he's sober I hope I have the strength to this time go through wit it

username123

There is no motivation for him to stop drinking. He functions because you help him function. He can drink his head off and you still stay. You counsel him through the hard times and put up with him through the nasty times. So why would he bother stopping?

Alcoholism is progressive. The behaviour you see now is mild compared to how bad it gets.

Leave. There's nothing tying you too him. Imagine yourself free and secure in a loving relationship with someone who loves you and supports you and isn't an alcoholic. That's possible for you, but only if you leave.

Magicmatilda

The fact that you say you told him you want to leave makes me think that your motivation for doing that was to get him to wake up and smell the coffee and stop drinking, put you first etc... If you were really going to leave you would just leave. You wouldn't tell him you were.

I've been in your position and I have also been in your boyfriends. He is most likely not a bad person and neither are you. But he is sick, this is akin to a mental illness and most likely he is in denial. Now if he was admitting that he is an alcoholic and willing to check himself into rehab and if he was offering that without any prompting from you, then there might be a chance he would be able to stop soon. But I get the sense he is not admitting his alcoholism. Which means he is likely no where near stopping. Oh he will promise the world but right now he cannot follow through. He just can't.

Now an alcoholic has an uncanny way of making it all about themselves. He has done this. YOU need to focus on YOU and why YOU are willing to accept this behaviour in a relationship. This is why I recommended al anon. The people there are in your shoes. They have lived with or are still living with either active or recovering alcoholics. But they have decided to look at themselves and take responsibility for their lives, even if the alcoholic cannot.

It is desperately sad watching any addict tear themselves apart. But you have a choice in whether you put yourself through that or not.

My childhood was not great. I grew up surrounded by addiction. But that did not give me the right to hurt those I loved and be the selfish person I was. Thankfully I eventually saw my problem and I treat it today so I have a mostly happy life free from alcohol but I needed to get myself to that point. No one could do that for me. And I needed to be allowed to get there. Let him get to his rock bottom because only then can he start getting better.

You have the opportunity of a good life ahead. Take it and let his be whatever he makes it.

iusedtoknow

It's a thin line between a functional alcoholic and and a full blown alcoholic. And that is the enabler, in this case..you. It doesn't have to be a partner, it can be a friend, a flat mate, a drinking buddy at work.

I say this as a former functional alcoholic. When I moved abroad, I got in with an expat crowd at work where all we seemed to do was drink and work. Being hungover wasn't a big deal, as the boss was usually out with us. They were my crutch, they were the ones that ensured I was "ok" when I should have given a slap and a verbal warning, and spent some time in a cell. They were the ones who helped me up after I fell down a metro staircase.

However, my gf eventually got sick of it - and gave me an ultimatum. Her, or Estrella beer. I chose her. I changed teams and my group of friends. I tapered down my drinking to a point where it wasn't even worth the bother of drinking - it's now been 3ish years since I drank. I recently went back to Barcelona for work, and caught up with a few people that are still there that I knew. All of them were drunk and 3/4 of them unemployed. The employed one had been drinking all day with his workmates. My old boss, some things never change.

I got out of that cycle

You need out too. 8 years is too long to have been putting up with this. He's made every promise under the sun, if he had meant it, he would have done it by now. It's true you love him, however you have to look after yourself, and not bring children into this situation.

Tetra

I am a recovering alcoholic...sober and happy for over two years.

I also urge you to leave.

He won't be able to sort himself out until he reaches rock bottom first.

kk67

I love him so much it breaks my heart he chosses drink over me I just don't understand it

iusedtoknow

kk67 wrote: »

I love him so much it breaks my heart he chosses drink over me I just don't understand it

Don't look for logic in this. Drink for some people is a habit and for others an addiction. Some will say it is a disease (i don't subscribe to that). You say he quit for 2 months. He probably thought that after 2 months he "had control" before slipping into his old habits.
He is a problem drinker, and he will not get help unless he himself wants it. As was said above - he need to hit rock bottom and want out.

Tetra

For the functional alcoholic, the denial runs deep, because they have yet to encounter outward negative consequences. They go to work every day. They haven't suffered financially.

I suggest you leave. If you make it clear that his drinking is leading you to put distance in your relationship, it may have impact as well as protect you from the emotional toll of having an active alcoholic in your life.

Also check out the book “Co-Dependent No More” by Melody Beattie. And I am sorry that you are suffering x

am i bovvered

Please leave for the sake of both of you.
You cannot be responsible for his recovery, but you are responsible for your own happiness and life, go live it !! and hopefully he can get help for himself.

osarusan

Tetra wrote: »

He won't be able to sort himself out until he reaches rock bottom first.

I think this is a key point.

all the support you are offering him, all the help you are giving him, is actually prolonging the problem, instead of solving it.

He needs to realise the full impact that this is having on his and other lives, and this will happen when you stop making it easier for him to avoid or deny the consequences of his drinking.

Leaving him would not be a selfish act in any way. It would be what is best, not only for you, but for him too.

username123

iusedtoknow wrote: »

Don't look for logic in this. Drink for some people is a habit and for others an addiction. Some will say it is a disease (i don't subscribe to that). You say he quit for 2 months. He probably thought that after 2 months he "had control" before slipping into his old habits.
He is a problem drinker, and he will not get help unless he himself wants it. As was said above - he need to hit rock bottom and want out.

+1

The bit that used to kill me about my father was this horrible paradox that alcohol was ruining his life, all our lives, yet he kept choosing it over us or even over himself.

Habit/addiction/disease, I'm not sure what the truth is but it certainly helped me to view it as a disease because then I felt less hurt than if he was just making a selfish choice. I suppose the truth was that he wasn't in the position of a sane rational person like you or me so he wasn't able to make sane rational choices. I could somehow accept someone in the grip of a terrible disease would make bad choices. And of course I knew not to expect someone who wasn't sober to make good decisions. It progressed so far that he was never sober. I didn't see my father willingly sober for the last 10 years of his life, a few times kind strangers called ambulances for him in the gutter and he was forced into angry sobriety in a hospital bed.

My mother never left. I wished she had. The alcoholism had a huge impact on our family. Blew it apart, did lifelong damage. Alcoholics who never stop destroy the people around them, if those people choose to stay and be destroyed.

By the time my father died he was like an animal, in any waking moment he just tried to get to alcohol. He would have sold his own mother to get to it. His personality was long wiped out, he had long ago stopped taking care of himself, he stank, his health was destroyed, he hovered on the brink of collapse daily, all his calories came from drink. He quite literally was the personification of Father Jack. That all that was left, a waking thought of DRINK.

To think that that could be your future and yet you stay. Your self esteem must be in the toilet at this stage. If you could give advice to a friend in this situation what would you tell them?

As the poster above me has already said, leaving him would be the opposite of selfish. It would actually help him, and you.

ElleEm

username123 wrote: »

Alcoholics who never stop destroy the people around them, if those people choose to stay and be destroyed.

Wow.

What powerful words. Fantastic post!

stickybookmark

OP if you want to have children you need to realise that this may not be possible with this guy. Alcoholism can have a serious affect on male fertility.

And even if ye did manage it, don't you think one day your child would want to know how long their father has been like this. And will you really be able to hold your head up high knowing that you knew they'd have an alcoholic for a father, but you brought them into the world anyway?

Alot of people fall in love with difficult people, for example people with baggage or from the wrong side of the tracks/from a different culture etc. And sometimes they stay with them despite the advice + opinions of friends of family. This is only advisable where the issues are surmountable. I think you know in your heart this one isn't.
Get out now while you still can.

maria34

My dad was an alcoholic and it was horrible. My childhood was not like it should be and i think it has affected me in so many ways. Dont think you want that to your children. So tehere is 2 options:

1. Walk away and you have the chance find a normal man

2. Ask him to get help which means he cant drink a drop ever. He is an alcoholic and they cant stop once theres a drop of drink inside them. I wont be sure about having kids with him tho as they might have some problems because his constant drinking in the past.

thefeatheredcat

OP I've an uncle who lives in another country, who is an alcoholic and has been for longer than I've been alive (32 years). He was married, his kids, my cousins are only a couple of years older than me. As the marriage fell apart (I don't know what the story was with my "aunt" because I was only a child when that happened) both of his kids were put into foster care..... and spent years being bounced around. They both would run away, go back, run off again, they didn't have a normal childhood or a particularly happy one. Only for another uncle and my grandmother did they really have a life. I know little or nothing of this specific uncle, didn't know much about him growing up, was warned as a child to stay clear of him; there have been stories and accusations down the years that I've only heard about, including in getting mixed up with underage girls. Nobody in the extended family really gives a toss about him, except my grandmother.

A few years ago, another uncle of mine had terminal cancer. It was less than a year after another uncle (I have lots of uncles on that side of the family) had died of cancer very suddenly, so all my uncles and aunts were making an effort to visit when they could. This uncle was very reluctant and only did so after my grandmother escorted him. He went drunk to the hospital to see his terminally ill brother. He sneaked off to the nearest pub and got even more drunk.

He has had many jobs, but never kept them. In one quite recently, he got injured, had to be hospitalised for a long while. He went through detox and withdrawl, was offered rehab at the same hospital, was almost there with going ahead and bam! Back on the drink again.

I've met people with drink problems. And I've also been involved with someone who was an alcoholic, but I didn't see it right away. What was a laugh and a few drinks between two people became being pushed into enabling, being sent into the pub or offy they had been barred from to get a specific item and being on the receiving end of anger when it's the wrong one. That guy was bad, bad news. Final straw was him arriving at my house drunk, celebrating a win on the horses, being a total asshole towards me, very hostile for no reason (probably because I wasn't in the party party drink drink mood) and getting abusive which was escalating. When I finally woke up and realised wtf was I doing with this asshole, I asked him to leave, him refusing with abuse and having to force him and was half way to calling the Gardai when he finally left.

If you have any sense in you, you would forget the illusion, the dream, the person you fell in love with and believe good things about. That person is gone. The person you see day to day is NOT the same person you care and love. You can stay, enable and hear the excuses and the apologies, the hung over sorrys and whatever else, as your life flies by with someone who needs you to continue to enable him to be that way. There's every chance he may turn out like my uncle and I hope for him not. But the misery? I don't know how you can be happy and satisfied with life as you have it with him, because no matter what, or where you go, alcohol will be the priority.

Golfwidow

Oh! How I agree with so many of these posts! Yes - you need to leave right now! He may never reach his 'rock bottom' . You need to save yourself. He will only drag you down, constantly unreliable and putting you last. I've learned the hard way, believe me!

I have been married to a functioning alcoholic for 26 years. I did seek help early on but was told that he drank too much rather than suffered from alcoholism.His family rather than give me support, made me believe that I was dramatic and anti drink etc... Eventually I did go to Al Anon where I learned the importance of looking after myself ( to a certain extent) and not acting 'the victim' in the hope that it would improve our relationship. Anyway, I had kids to worry about and protect so I also fooled myself that my husband was a good person really, not violent and no matter what, he held down a job to help support our family .

So I struggled on ... The kids grew up so he went out even more and drank even more. There were constant excuses to go out to 'meetings' etc. Sometimes he didn't and still might not come home at night.... Communication has become almost non- existent. I don't complain as I don't want confrontation in my life. I know he meets women - I've seen messages on his phone and I caught him with an ex girlfriend ...of course he had an excuse for that scenario!! There have been so many excuses, so many lies!! I believed that I was protecting my family and always put myself last. Now, because of some of his bad business decisions ( he's always been a bit of a lad & a risk taker - without consulting me!), we have some serious debt issues - making it very difficult for me to think of setting up home by myself and starting a new life. I have a very good job but our financial situation stinks - and yes he's still drinking and living the life of Reilly!!

So, what have I got for staying around to support him? I'm in tonight on my own again - depressed, lacking in self-esteem and feeling like I've wasted so many years on caring about him!Friends who might have invited us out regularly have dwindled as my husband either arrived half twisted to nights out or didn't turn up at all which was really embarrassing. I do have friends but only see them on girls nights. My kids have moved on, living their own lives. I see them every day - I'm fortunate that we all get on great.

However, I now worry that one of my sons has inherited his addiction to the drink also and he can be quite disrespectful to his own partner in ways that are similar to my husband's behaviour . My husband has not reached his 'rock bottom' and maybe never will. I believe that he has actually destroyed my life more than his own . I wish someone had given me the advice that posters have given you here on Boards. Don't hang about - think of YOU!!! Get away now! I wish I could turn the clocks back! A drinker will always think of themselves. Believe me!!

Defiler Of The Coffin

You must leave him OP. You are enabling his behaviour and making it worse. He's not going to give up the drink while you are around. Why would he? He gets everything he wants and behaves as he wants with none of the consequences. You are there to get him up in the mornings, ease his panic attacks and presumably you are doing all the household chores, making his dinners, doing his laundry - all the things he would have to do if he was a normal functioning person.

You need to understand that you cannot change him, he has to want to change himself and he certainly will not while you are with him. The partner of an alcoholic can expect to lead a lonely life as his family will likely want to you put up and shut up as they won't want to rock the boat (and are glad that he has someone to look after him which means they don't have to bother) and friends and acquaintances withdraw as he gradually deteriorates mentally and physically. This happens over many years and you mightn't realise how bad it is until you've wasted the good years of your life.

You have threatened to leave him before and didn't follow through so now he sees no need to change his behaviour, he thinks that you will stay with him no matter how badly he treats you and so he carries on regardless. Don't be that person OP, there is still an element of denial in society about how damaging alcoholism can be and while some people may offer you token words of sympathy there will be very little tangible support for you. You must save yourself.

You are now at a fork in the road OP, one road loads to a lifetime of suffering and regret and the other leads to something else entirely. Don't even bother giving him any more chances. You have made the effort and it hasn't worked. Accept this and choose the right road. Just be thankful there are no kids involved and you can cut ties easily. There is nothing more soul-destroying than having an alcoholic parent. Unfortunately I speak from experience.