Hurt Over Boyfriends Friends Actions

alibaba12

Hi all,

My BF's friend whom he has known since he was about 3 but hadn't heard from him in about 1.5 years came back to Ireland about 2.5 months ago. He has a sister that lives in Balbriggan but decided that he didn't want to stay there as its too far to where his friends are in Dublin.

He asked one of his other friends could he stay with him, he let him stay one night but his GF told him that after that he would have to go. We got a barrage of messages that day asking could he stay with us. We said yes, to help him out. We fed, clothed, put a roof over his head and drove him anywhere he needed. After 4 days my BF asked him could he find somewhere else to stay as he was just sitting around the house all day doing nothing and smoking weed (I hate the stuff and asked him to smoke outside) and it was causing tension. He did go but a few days later asked could he stay again, again we said yes but no more than one night at a time. He said ok. He has been staying here of and on for the last 2.5 months. When he wants to stay he sends a barrage of texts and calls to get back to him with an answer, however when he wasn't staying with us and my BF would text to see how he was we would get no reply.

He asked to stay again on Sunday 23rd March, we said yes. By the following Sunday (mothers day) he was still with us. My BF had already asked him to leave the previous Friday as my cousin wanted to visit for the weekend, he said that we were throwing him out on the streets and making him homeless. I cancelled my cousin as a result. My BF told him he would have to be gone by the Monday (day after mothers day)

We had made plans for mothers day to spend time with our mothers but had to cancel most of what we had planned as he put pressure on my BF to bring him to his mothers grave (his mother died 12 years ago) as he deemed that was more important than either of us spending time with our mothers. My BF lost the head over this and told him to be definitely gone by the Monday. My BF tried to explain to him that we are having a difficult time ourselves - I was in a car accident 1.5 years ago and am still out of work and going through rehab - My BF is now the sole provider in the house and my sole carer. He is completely burnt out and couldn't keep a 3rd person going as well. We got a barrage of abusive texts and phone calls all day telling us that we had put his best friend on the streets, that I as in me could look after myself, that I was using my BF, that we were the only ones with a spare room and no kids so we should automatically have put him up. He then threatened to burn down our house, smash the place up, if we didn't bring his stuff up to where he was.

In the time since he has been back hasn't looked for work and only signed on last week and it will take at least 4 weeks for his money to come through. He said he was expecting us to put him until he got the money to get a place to live.

He sent a half hearted apology on the Monday in two seperate texts. But then yesterday sent another barrage of texts looking for my BF to leave a document he left in our car somewhere for him. My BF didnt reply to any of his messages but left the document in another friends for him. My BF text him to say where he left it, we got zero reply or thanks. Just to note he gave none of this abuse to the 3 other ppl who put him up. However one of ppl is now fighting with his GF after he stayed with them for 3 weeks. He has also deleted both of us from FB after he sent the apology and I have a feeling he is bad mouthing us to my BF's other friends.

My questions are:

Were we right to ask him to leave?
Did we not do enough to help him out?
Why do I feel so bad and so hurt by all of this?

Sorry for the long post but its just been a week of hell.

Thanks for reading.

Tokyo

alibaba12 wrote: »

Were we right to ask him to leave?

I'm wondering why you even have to ask this question? You put a roof over this guy's head over a period of months, fed him and put up with his bad habits, and when you finally (and GOD knows how it took as long as it did) FINALLY had enough of him to the point of asking him to leave, he threatens to burn your house down if you don't deliver his belongings to him. I wouldn't just be kicking him out, I'd be calling the police and informing them of the threat. I'd also be informing every mutual friend I had with this person, lest they find themselves in the same situation.

Did we not do enough to help him out?

See above. You let him camp out in your house for months, fed him and looked after him. Drove him where he wanted to go. My own parents would hardly do that for me as an adult, nor would I expect them to. The guy sounds like a leech, pure and simple, and I wouldn't be surprised if there was a history of this that made all of his other friends want him out after one day or so.

Why do I feel so bad and so hurt by all of this?

Because you tried to do a good deed for somebody and got completely taken advantage of. And its unfortunate, because it makes you wary of helping someone else out in the future. To put it in perspective, a guy I knew put me up for weeks in his shed in Australia when my truck broke down and I needed a place and tools to do an engine swop - the entire time I was there I felt guilty of being there and pushed myself to get out as quickly as possible. I also helped the guy out with his work, and the fridge was never empty of beer for him the entire time I was there. That's how normal people show their gratitude for someone helping them out. Now compare that to your situation, and answer your three questions yourself.

Nymeria

OP, please don't beat yourself up over this.

You did more than enough for this user. He sounds like a complete nightmare. Whether he was your boyfriends friend for years is irrelevant...if he was a real friend he wouldn't be acting like this.

And if you can, I would save the abusive text messages threatening to burn down your house etc, in case he starts harrassing you again. You can and should show them to the police.

Trust me, this guy will land on his feet, people like that will always find someone to leech off. Just be thankful he's not your problem anymore.

All the best.

Gatling

Op call this a life lesson ,learn from it and try not to repeat ,

Actually op while this so call friend was being supported by your Bf who cares and supports you .how was he able to buy his weed and socialise ,

ABajaninCork

I commend you and your partner for your patience. I would have put his backside out weeks ago. The first couple had the right idea...

Your BF's 'friend' is not a friend. He is a leech. A dangerous and disgusting leech who shows no gratitude for the help you gave him. It's telling that he didn't go to his family. I wonder why that would be??? I'd also love to know where he got the money from to buy puff. I hope you aren't subsidising him!!

Put his arse out. Where he sleeps is no longer your concern. Tell him to present himself to the CWO and the Local Authority and tell them he is homeless. If he threatens you again - call the Gards. No if's, buts or maybes. DO IT!!

Don't feel bad at all. He played on you and your BF's goodwill. Let him go to his sister's and travel in if he must. Any crap, she'll soon straighten him out, I'm sure. And I wouldn't bother talking to him again. He's worthless.

alibaba12

Thanks for all the replies. I know we were used, its a lesson learned alright and I will never take anyone in again which is sad as I always try to help ppl.

He said he was getting weed for free which I don't believe for a second. He had money when he last came here and didn't offer to buy a scrap of food for himself. He stole medication which I only noticed as I don't take this particular one everyday.

He put his name down in the social welfare already but used our address. My BF was with him when he did this and told the SW officer that he was just staying with us temporarily. Two pieces of mail have now arrived today to the house. I opened them as I didn't know what stroke he was pulling (I know I shouldn't but I don't want any further trouble) One was requesting documentation to show where he lives, as he has used our address I am afraid to hand this over in case he tries to say he is living here. I also don't know whether or not to tell my BF about the post.

I was doing some other digging and just found out that he is wanted by the guards for questioning for something which I wont mention here from last year. And it so happens it was the same company by BF works for so I am now worried if he is caught they could say it was an inside job or got info from my BF. BTW my BF would never put his job in jeopordy his job of 10 years and do something like that.

This week is gone from bad to worse!

ABajaninCork

I'd show him the post.

Tokyo

Return the mail to the Social Welfare office, or call them, stating that the guy does not live at your address - he was a guest fro a few nights and that you have no idea where he is now. Let them deal with it from there. Personally, if he's wanted by the guards, I'd be calling them too to let them know that he's back in the area.

username123

Mark the post "Not known at this address" and pop it in the nearest postbox.

You tried to do a good turn for someone who turned out to be a leech and a nasty leech at that. Forget this creep, he isn't your problem and where he sleeps is none of your concern.

fiona-f

This man is an adult and you owe him absolutely nothing. Even if you had never taken him in for a single night, you would owe him nothing. I understand completely wanting to help out friends but really, he wasn't in any sort of need at all and was just a selfish pest. It can be hard but id suggest growing a thicker skin and recognising fully that any previous generosity to him was purely a good deed on your part, that certainly creates no future obligation, in particular where he has chosen to abuse your good nature so appallingly. I also second what others have ssid about informing the police of his threat to burn down your home, his harrassment and threats. I agree with the previous poster on letting the senders of his mail know he is not and will not be resident at your address.

thefeatheredcat

Mike_ie's post is spot on. I would guess that the other mutual friends he stayed with have been burned by him in the past in over staying his welcome and being unpleasant. But this guy really pushed you over, in manipulating, repeatedly harassing (barrage of texts and calls) and guilt tripping ye to claim his territory in staying with ye on and off all the time. After the first time you should have said no, but I can understand that before threats were made, he might have used your own good natures and long standing friendship against ye to get his way. In my experience people who are used to getting what they want, when they are finally told "No" go on the defensive by further verbally abusing, lashing out physically, verbal put downs, etc and making threats. Often when you make a stand, that is what you get and you'd be lucky not to hear anything from them again. And the trick is that if you don't hear from them, forget about them and don't go seeking them out. Because if you go seeking them out they will be all over you like a rash, looking to use and abuse you again.

Not all people are like that. So not everyone is going to do that, but do be more careful in the future about who you let stay.

tbh being bad mouthed to friends is probably the least of your worries. Even if people do believe the BS he says about ye, they probably will find out the hard way that actually he was the one treating you badly.

If you still have the texts, write them up in a log with the dates and times and what was said in them. Save them for future reference if you go to Gardai. I actually would go to the Gardai and make a statement that he has been sending abuse texts, making calls and threatening to burn your house down. If he has outstanding issues with the Gardai that is not really your problem, or responsibility and you shouldn't feel like you can't go to the Gardai in case you "get him in trouble"; he would be gambling on that, again using your good nature against you because you don't want to cause hassle for him.

Tell your boyfriend about the post. No point in hiding it because he could end up being confronted by his "friend" about it and not being in the loop about it having arrived could put him in a difficult position. I would suggest that the best course of action - as already suggested in posts above - is contact SW and let them know he is not resident at your address, send the letters back and let them chase the matter up. His SW is not your problem. You have to protect your interests, including not getting caught up in this guy's decisions, actions and behaviours in life. Don't let yourself be put in the situation of being the cover for him, even unknowingly.

This guy has drama magnet written all over him, and trouble following him, I think if the chance has come in getting rid of this guy from your lives, with him deleting ye from facebook, enjoy it. Start by blocking him, so he can't watch your facebook and refusing friend requests from him. Block his number. If you get weird calls or texts from a number ye don't know, keep a record of it. This guy hasn't been a friend to your bf at all, since this guy has been back, your lives have been turned upside down. Nobody needs to deal with that stuff especially threats from someone who is supposedly a friend. Let him know it's not on, get this guy out of your lives while you have the chance to do so. He will do nothing but piss on your lives over and over until either you're no longer a couple from the stress of this guy in your lives, or he has dragged you both down to his level and made life a misery. In the end, the sort of confrontation you've already had that has resulted in threats, is how that friendship would have ended. Neither you nor your boyfriend owe this guy anything and certainly aren't responsible for him or how he lives his life.

retro:electro

You didn't put him on the streets, he put himself on the streets. He is responsible for having nowhere to live because he is lazy and doesn't have a job, he sounds like a nightmare of a person, I don't know how you lasted more than a day with him.