How to deal with someone who uses offense as a form of defence

LegacyUser

Hey,
I'm wondering how you're supposed to deal with someone whose strategy in an argument is to belittle your position by refusing to acknowledge your point of view or address any of the points raised, but rather attempts to weaken your position by flipping the argument around and going on the offensive.

Unfortunately I find this hard to deal with, and it's so frustrating. I eventually saw through their game and decided to try not to rise to the bait but rather try to remain assertive and non provocative, but it's hard when they're being very clever on how to turn the argument around from being about them to being about you and then when you have finally gotten them "cornered" (as horrible as that sounds) they blow up, slam the phone down or end the discussion whatever way they can.

And even if I remain assertive and non provocative there's still no acknowledgement of my point(s), no compromise, no decency or honorable humility. Just a silent recognition that I might have "won", which is hardly progressive, and almost as frustrating.

HalloweenJack

That sounds identical to someone I know. Frankly, I think you'll drive yourself mad trying to counter them. Just distance them as much as possible, and cut them out of your life, if at all possible. You don't need that stubborn negativity in your life.

ahnow

Met a few of those in my life, they don't remain there for long. If you're stuck with this person and in a confrontation, always have a core statement of what you're trying to say, if you can get it down to one sentence all the better. They will probably continue to deflect and twist it around, so there may not be any getting though to them, but find your core truth of what you're trying to say, at least you'll know you tried. Don't respond to anything they say that might distract you or deviate you from your point-keep returning to it and stay firm and assertive. Oh and always say "I feel" or "I think xyz", try not to accuse them of this that and the other, say it from your point of view, that way it reframes it as your perspective without it coming accross as an attack.
Behind it all though you probably might as well be talking to a wall, so if you find you're not getting anywhere chalk it up to experience and leave them have their defenses!

thefeatheredcat

In my experience, the ploy is always to try and get you to lower yourself to their level. The only way to avoid that is not to be baited, to assert so far as informing them it is not acceptable and end the conversation / discussion with them.

Another words, if you are on the phone to them and they start getting abusive, let them know you consider what they are doing is being abusive and will not continue with the discussion if they are doing that, and if they continue just hang up on them. If they ring back, let it ring out, as they will be ringing onto to give you further abuse, on the fact that they have been hung up on.

If they hang up on you, then don't bother chasing them up on ringing them back. What they want is for you to make contact, to initiate a continuation of the conflict. If they are like that in person, ask them to leave and then don't make contact with them. Don't seek them out to ask after them or make arrangements with them for a while.

I find it less stressful and healthier that rather than try and get one over them for a small victory that goes unnoticed and without ever an apology, just to not have people like that in my life. And if it can't be helped such as a relative or sibling, then go the best to keep a distance, if conflict arrives just nip it in the bud by being passive, as it is also often a ploy for negative attention seeking behaviour.

One thing I have learned though is that someone who attacks as a means of defense, will easily forget any nasty things they say and never apologise for it. It could happen 5 minutes ago and to them it would have been 5 years ago as it wouldn't even register in their minds they were in the wrong, or would have said something that cut deep or went too far. 5 minutes later as far as they're concerned it's sunshine and rainbows, even if for you, you're still pissed off with what they have said or upset by it. It's literally water off a duck's back for them.