Boyfriend cheated & lied

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm in a longterm relationship where for almost a year now we have both had to live abroad so Its been long distance. Was looking forward to having only 2 months left til we could be together again.

I found out from someone bak in October that my boyfriend was hanging out with a girl and 'emotionally cheating'' ya know both saying how much they fancied each other and stuff. Stupidly, didnt let on I knew this but constantly dropped hints and gave him the oppurtunity to tell me himself which he didn and bare faced lied aboutit. Eventually told him in January I knew where he admitted it and swore it was only flirting and that was it and he didnt see her again.

Fast forward again to now where I have just found out he has lied again and when he was with that girl they actually kissed which he swore before they ddnt do.

He's now begging me not to break up with him and I believe he regrets it but am I being silly being more upset about the lies than the flirting/ kiss? I just feel if he could have gotten away without telling me he would have and he lied so manytimes trying to cover his tracjs

Tokyo

Hey OP,

I don't believe in the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" - I think that with a lot of hard work and complete honesty it can be overcome, and there are plenty of couples out there who can testify to that. However that only succeeds when there is 100% honesty between both parties so that the issues that led to this can be confronted, and as long as the lies are still going on, then I don't see a huge amount of hope.

Unfortunately you have hit the nail on the head when you feel that he would lie so many times to cover his tracks - the fact is it's more than likely you still don't have the full story. The information starts trickling in - first, you're finding out that they just hung out together... then you find out that they have been telling each other that they fancied each other.... next you find out that they kissed each other - and your boyfriend is denying everything until he is 100% caught out on his lie, and then he'll admit to it and will bend over backwards to apologise for it and will swear that nothing else happened... until the next piece of information trickles in and it's the same thing all over again.

I can't tell you if you'll get past the lies and the cheating and return to the way things were - only you can decide that for yourself. One thing I can tell you is that it's not going to happen unless your boyfriend is completely honest about everything that went on between him and this girl, regardless of how much that news might hurt. Because quite honestly, I doubt you've gotten the full story yet - only what he's had no choice but to admit to. If he does that, then you can give a fair assessment of whether the relationship is worth saving. If he continues down his current route of lying until he's caught, then there's no relationship there to save in my opinion.

Good luck...

ABajaninCork

relationship wrote: »

Hi,

I'm in a longterm relationship where for almost a year now we have both had to live abroad so Its been long distance. Was looking forward to having only 2 months left til we could be together again.

I found out from someone bak in October that my boyfriend was hanging out with a girl and 'emotionally cheating'' ya know both saying how much they fancied each other and stuff. Stupidly, didnt let on I knew this but constantly dropped hints and gave him the oppurtunity to tell me himself which he didn and bare faced lied aboutit. Eventually told him in January I knew where he admitted it and swore it was only flirting and that was it and he didnt see her again.

Fast forward again to now where I have just found out he has lied again and when he was with that girl they actually kissed which he swore before they ddnt do.

He's now begging me not to break up with him and I believe he regrets it but am I being silly being more upset about the lies than the flirting/ kiss? I just feel if he could have gotten away without telling me he would have and he lied so manytimes trying to cover his tracjs

Hmm. He lied about this girl. He only owned up when he got a capture. Why is he still your boyfriend? He's flirting (so he says) with another woman and it looks to me as though you don't trust him.

I reckon it's game over. But that's only my opinion.

Alf. A. Male

I think now that the trust is gone, you should be too. Sorry OP.

Grandpa Hassan

Alf. A. Male wrote: »

I think now that the trust is gone, you should be too. Sorry OP.

If it is a relationship that I want to be in, I wouldn't be giving up on it that easily, with so little effort to make it work

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Im distraught over this. My earlier post didnt make it clear but we have been living apart for almost a year and together almost 3 so its a big deal to break up after investing so much time.

However I have subsequently found out that it wasnt one drunken kiss, from about 2 weeks after arriving to his new country he started hanging out with this girl a lot and drunkenly shifted her at least 4 times on nights out. H e only stopped contact at the end of november as he had a week holiday at home with me and felt guilty.

Its just another lie he was trying to get away with by saying it was drunken peck before this. I do think its the first time hes done something like this but I just dont know what to do.

Taltos

Ah OP - you do know what to do, you're just scared of doing it. However what real choice do you have? Stay with him and forever wonder what else he has gotten up to with her or others or start afresh and have a chance of meeting someone who will treat you properly. Just because you have been together years does not mean you have to stay together.

Something we see here a bit is that many cheaters only reveal what they feel they have to, first a snog, now numerous shifts - what's next...

ABajaninCork

I knew he did more than he wanted to tell you. And I think you know. Boyfriend needs to hit the road. You deserve better. And not being funny, but I'd be heading for an STI check too. You don't want any nasty surprises...

Gongoozler

First time? But it's been at least four times... ? Seems to be like he's taking the piss. He's telling as little truth as he can get away with. You're gradually finding out he actually did more than he admitted to previously. Besides all that, he's kissed another girl at least 4 times. That's not an accident or something of regret. If I were you, the three years would mean diddly skwat.

Tokyo

mike_ie wrote: »

The information starts trickling in - first, you're finding out that they just hung out together... then you find out that they have been telling each other that they fancied each other.... next you find out that they kissed each other - and your boyfriend is denying everything until he is 100% caught out on his lie, and then he'll admit to it and will bend over backwards to apologise for it and will swear that nothing else happened... until the next piece of information trickles in and it's the same thing all over again.

relationship wrote: »

...However I have subsequently found out that it wasnt one drunken kiss, from about 2 weeks after arriving to his new country he started hanging out with this girl a lot and drunkenly shifted her at least 4 times on nights out.

Unfortunately it seems like the information is still trickling in, and I dont' think that's the end of it either.

I appreciate the difficulty in having to consider walking away from a three year relationship - however it took him all of two weeks away from you to start hooking up with another girl, so he doesn't even have the excuse of saying you were far apart, he was lonely, etc....

Ultimately you have to make the decision - nobody here can tell you whether you should break up with him or not. But you need to ask yourself a few questions while considering the answer:

• Do you think you know the whole truth yet?
• Do you think that you can ever regain that trust in him?
• Do you think he's willing to earn that trust back, no matter what?

If the answer is "no" to any of the above, then you are fighting an uphill battle in my opinion.