Work crush can't happen

LegacyUser

Hi everyone

I'd appreciate advice on how to get over a guy.

Background is that I'm in my thirties, he's in his forties, though you'd be forgiven for thinking I'm a love struck teenager when you read on.

I'm in a kind of senior position to him, but not his line manager.. Basically I'm a medical consultant and he's a nurse specialist on my team so he answers to me for clinical day to day stuff, but not for admin/HR etc issues. We are both permanent employees and its a highly specialised area so realistically, we are both going to be on the same team til one of us retires.
We have always had a good working relationship, he's extremely competent and I know he thinks the same of me in that regard. We have each others backs, and in our job that's crucial.
He's someone that I can say off-the-record stuff to at work, knowing it won't go further, and we both can sound off each other about worrying/difficult/upsetting work stuff.


Over the last year or so, we've also become quite friendly on a personal level. He's begun to text me about non-work stuff, just about mutual hobbies, films, matches, concerts etc. At the end of clinics/rounds we'd hang on for a chat or go for coffee. He offered to help me with some DIY stuff, which I'd be useless at, but which would be child's play to him ( As it happens I just paid a handyman to do it) We're friends on Facebook but neither of us use it much, but the odd time we'd comment or like something the other put up. We talk about personal stuff, nothing intense but just its not all work-related. We share similar interests in sport, music, politics, tv & film, books and religion or lack thereof. We've been in groups on work nights out and had great nights. He is now someone I view as a friend, not just a colleague.

So, as ye can probably now tell, I've now got a bloody big crush on him.

Now, this is problematic for two big reasons. Firstly, he's married. I know people will say I should have mentioned this earlier, but I deliberately left it to this far down to avoid people reading two lines and no more when they saw that. Believe you me, I have no intention of doing anything about my crush. I don't get involved with attached men, full stop.

The other big reason is the work role dynamic. Whilst I am not one of the medical consultants with a god complex that the media like to portray, it's a fact that we as a group are looked at differently than other staff in the hospital. It's hard to describe it without seeming snobby, and believe me I'm not a snob. But suffice to say that if anything happened between me and even a single/unattached male nurse, it'd be huuuuuuge news in the department and would be looked on in a controversial fashion. I know that sounds arrogant, but that's the way it is. In our roles, we work so closely together that it'd be impossible to keep up that working dynamic if we were together, or if we'd had a fling and then nothing more (that's if he was single, of course).

I'm not explaining myself well, but essentially what I'm saying is that even if this guy was unattached I couldn't get with him. There is no scope whatsoever for either of us to move teams.

So, here I am, with a bloody crush on a guy I can't have for many reasons, yet who I have to see and interact with daily, and will continue to have to do so. I have no reason whatsoever to think he is aware of it, as I've never given any indication and never will, intentionally anyway. I just don't know how to get over it when we're in such close proximity. I simply can't reduce the contact I have with him at work, and I don't want to reduce the texts etc that are non-work related lest he a)ask/wonder why and twig about my crush or b) think its because I've decided to keep contact with him to work-related stuff only cos that's more appropriate/professional and then that'll influence our working relationship is he won't be as relaxed/trusting with me.


*head explodes*

Any advice welcome!

ongarboy

This is a tough one for you OP. The answer is fairly obvious to most outsiders I would think though. You detailed the job grades so much as if that was the main conflict of interest but you know that is actually completely irrelevant in this scenario. What's relevant is that he's MARRIED. No ifs, ands or buts.

I understand that you can't control how you feel so I do sympathize with you. However, if you feel your friendship cannot remain platonic or that it will just reinforce your frustration about wanting what you never can have (without destroying a marriage and your self respect), perhaps you need to consider distancing yourself from him as a friend. That doesn't mean falling out with him. Try and focus on finding someone else proactively to distract yourself - going out with the girls on a night out, speed dating, hang out with other people where there are other single and available men to choose from and spark with.

Btw, you can still have a professional, trusting, respected and productive work relationship with colleagues that are neither friends or fantasy figures so I'm not sure if you can use a deterioration of your work relationship as a risk if you choose not to be so pally with him. I bet you have good working relationships with plenty of other colleagues who aren't your mates so why should he be different?

MugMugs

Really simple response. He's married. Move on.

LegacyUser

MugMugs wrote: »

Really simple response. He's married. Move on.

With respect, how to move on is what the OP is asking!

iusedtoknow

this is pretty horrible situation to be in - most people at one point or another have an an unrequited crush.

However...he's married, and you're simply going to have to deal with distancing your relationship to being "mainly professional" than anything else. Not to say you can't have personal interaction. My wife is a doctor, and she spends more time at the hospital than at home, so that sort of environment breeds close personal friends.

The doctor/nurse thing is not really an issue...because he's a married nurse. If he weren't married, then that could be an issue. A fellow doctor of my wife dated (and married!) a nurse, but she ended up moving hospitals due to the controversy about it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP.
Now, at least you know what you really want in a man.
Accept the situation as being impossible, and enjoy being able to be strictly friends with this man. Distance yourself a bit, gradually, and make space for the man you really deserve.
It is just a crush.
Best of luck.

sopretty

You need to try to rein in your imagination. This won't end well the way you imagine it going.

How to do that? Have a serious chat with yourself. You're an intelligent woman. It's not going to happen. Avert your attentions somewhere more suitable.

This is coming from someone who has had catastrophic results to work related relationships. Don't mix them OP. Don't.

Just recognise that it is a passing crush. That's all it is. It will pass, don't worry.

December2012

Cut down on the friendship with him.

Or

If you need something more drastic, you could tell him you've a crush and that's why you need to cut down on friendship - because you don't want anything to happen.

He will hopefully be cautious and want to safeguard his marriage and your friendship will end.

LegacyUser

Op here
Thanks for all the replies. I'm on my phone so won't attempt multi quoting so bear with me.

Yes, I know he's married. And as I made clear, I've no intention of trying for something to happen with him. He and I both have far too much to lose. The fact he's married doesn't negate/invalidate/delete the other big reason why this can't happen, though, and I included both cos both are relevant. I don't need to explains why marriage makes him a non-runner, that's clear to everyone, but I did need to explain the work dynamic for people not familiar with the system. Even if this guy were single, nothing could happen.

So, I'm not imagining us together happily ever after, or secretly hoping for that.
What I want is to move on, to not have the favourite part of my day being the cup of tea and chat that we have, to not feel a frisson of excitement when I see a message or comment from him etc. but I'm struggling to do that, and have been for months. To the poster who posted that it's 'simple, move on'- well, d'oh, I know I need to move on, but it's not a matter of deciding to move on and bingo, I'm over him. If that were the case I wouldn't be posting here.

I think I'll have to gradually distance myself, without it being too obvious initially. I couldn't tell him about my crush, I'd be too embarrassed... Remember I've to work with him for a few more decades! God, I'd die if i thought he knew. That's not a conversation I want to have at all.

Thanks again.

sopretty

It will pass OP. These crushes though intense at any given time are passing fleeting crushes. You'll be grand in a week or so.

Merkin

You need to go on lots of dates in your spare time to fill your time. The less time you have to fixate on this the better and meeting other contenders for your affection should take the focus away from him.

R.D. aka MR.D

I agree with Merkin. I'd bet that you don't have very many other men in your life? It's easy to develop a crush on a guy that you get along with if you don't have any other distractions.

Sometimes with crushes, it helps me to think about all their bad points and things that i don't like about them and focus on that instead of thinking 'oh Xxis so wonderful'.

Obliq

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Sometimes with crushes, it helps me to think about all their bad points and things that i don't like about them and focus on that instead of thinking 'oh Xxis so wonderful'.

I like that. Definitely focus on anything he does that irritates you, and then imagine that if you were actually in a relationship together that these would be the things that take the shine off him, as it were. You're in the position of it always feeling new and fresh every time you meet him - the excitement that doesn't last forever in a long term relationship. "The new broom sweeps clean" as they say, and because you can't go near him, he's always going to be the new broom unless you make a huge effort to see him as the warts and all guy he would be, sometime down the road if you were together.

Other guys. Definitely and actively try and fancy someone else, even if only in a physical way. Use your imagination!

Rainbow Kitty

Hi OP, i've been there but i told my crush that i liked him , he took it well but he was attached also so nothing could happen, although i didn't know this at the time. We work together but not in the same location which helped. I just wish i could have waited a few weeks because i can see it now for what it was, just a crush and the feelings have waned but they were so intense at the time, i really thought he was the one and only. He's become a bit distant now so it really was the worst thing i could have done. The only thing i can suggest is time is a great healer and even though you can't see it now the feelings will pass

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, op here again

Thanks to those who've responded.

To the poster who said I don't have other men in my life- you're spot on, unfortunately. It's been quite a while since I've even kissed someone, and longer again since I last had sex. I should make more of an effort and go on a few dates I guess, get a distraction or two.

And I like the idea of thinking about his bad points as a means to move on- I hadn't thought of that before. I'm bound to identify a few if I think hard enough!

Ultimately I know I'll get over this crush. I'll have to. It's simply not an option to pursue it. But damn it's painful right now :-/

Defiler Of The Coffin

How's the work life balance OP? Maybe you need more of a life outside of work, might help occupy your thoughts and take your mind off this guy?

iusedtoknow

Defiler Of The Coffin wrote: »

How's the work life balance OP? Maybe you need more of a life outside of work, might help occupy your thoughts and take your mind off this guy?

She's a doctor - there is none (well at least based on what my wife's work/life balance is like). The reality is that in the medical field, many people end up in relationships with others in that field - purely because they fully understand the lifestyle that Doctors, particularly in their early->mid careers lead.

Merkin

iusedtoknow wrote: »

She's a doctor - there is none (well at least based on what my wife's work/life balance is like). The reality is that in the medical field, many people end up in relationships with others in that field - purely because they fully understand the lifestyle that Doctors, particularly in their early->mid careers lead.

Definitely! My Dad is a doctor and Mum a nurse and it definitely helps being with someone in the same field.

Expand your social circle OP. There are probably lots of overworked dishy consultants in the same boat but in different hospitals to you so start putting yourself out there girl!!

P. Breathnach

Kfan wrote: »

...
To the poster who said I don't have other men in my life- you're spot on, unfortunately. It's been quite a while since I've even kissed someone, and longer again since I last had sex. I should make more of an effort and go on a few dates I guess, get a distraction or two.

That's the sort of price many pay for a career in medicine. A great deal depends on where you work, both the intitution(s) and your field of specialism. But take a hard-headed look at things, and see how much you can control your working situation so that you can make time for a personal life as well. That's something that you can't discuss here without compromising your privacy.

And I like the idea of thinking about his bad points as a means to move on- I hadn't thought of that before. I'm bound to identify a few if I think hard enough!

I have this very useful compartment in my head where I file thoughts of what I would like to happen in my life, but are never going to happen. There is an awful lot stored there ("awful" being an apposite word for many of the ideas!). It's actually quite helpful to me. By making myself see certain ideas as quite unrealistic, I lessen the likelihood of them making me discontented.

Ultimately I know I'll get over this crush. I'll have to. It's simply not an option to pursue it. But damn it's painful right now :-/

Would a punchbag help? Perhaps not the ideal solution, but often some physical outlet helps one to deal with negative emotions.

thefeatheredcat

OP you're really fortunate to have a great professional relationship and a great friendship with this colleague.

I think for the most part you are focusing on the fact that even if he was single and you had a crush, you couldn't make a move anyway. I get it quite clear from you that you're fully aware he is married and really wouldn't ever act upon what you're feeling, both because he is married and both because of the professional restriction, the former being really central but the latter something that you are overly aware of.

But I think you're not fully acknowledging you have a crush. Rather, you're focusing more on it's a crush on a married man, and even if he was single you are restricted by work circumstances anyway. I think you need to acknowledge that it is OK to have a crush on someone, from that admiration type crush to romantic crush, so long as you know yourself you aren't going to act on it, rather than that you can't act on it. You need to accept that even with the restricted work circumstances it's OK to have a crush on someone. Having a crush is perfectly ok, and quite natural from both the admiration and romantic side. In many ways a romantic crush, as others have suggested is revealing to you what is missing in your life, and that is where your focus should be. Not just to distract but to create a fulfillment.

If you fully acknowledge and accept that you do indeed have a crush and take steps in being proactive about fulfilling whatever is missing in your life such as meaningful friendships, someone to just hang out with and have coffee with and enjoy downtime with, dates, then it eventually will melt away as easily as it came into your life.

Poking holes perhaps in a way to move away the crush can be helpful, but don't overdo it in perhaps over analysing your friend and perhaps finding fault where no fault is there, or changing your perception of them.

LegacyUser

Hi, op back again

Once again, thanks to all posters. It's really helpful to get non-judgemental responses from people. As before, I'm on the phone so won't be multi-quoting so please bear with me.

People asked about my work life balance- LOL, tbh! I used to believe that things got better as one progressed up the career ladder, but now I know different- things changed, but not necessarily greatly for the better. A conservative estimate would be that I work 70-80 hours a week. And it's in a complicated field which at times can be emotionally very draining. Without giving too much away, when things go right it's a great job, when they go wrong, boy do they go wrong. And you know, people outside the field just don't get it. Again, I'm not trying to appear arrogant or self-important, but that's the way it is. And that's another reason why our working relationship is so important to me. He gets it when things go wrong and knows what I'm thinking as much as I do. Without compromising my privacy here, we had a young patient a few years ago who had a catastrophically bad outcome. Now, I know in my rational mind that it was always a possibility, 0.1% of people with that diagnosis will end up with that outcome despite vigorous treatment etc. but in my weak moments. I ponder it and wonder was there anything I could have/should have done differently. Logically, I know that no, there wasn't, they received good quality care and there was nothing wrong/missing from what I did, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't still bother me from time to time. (I'm not being arrogant or defensive when I say I know I didn't f*ck up- I asked my manager to get an independent review of the case, because of the severity if the outcome, which they did, and that showed up no issues with the case. I think it bothers me so much cos it was the first time this had happened me as a consultant, I'd seen that outcome during my training a good few times, but this was the first time it happened me as the consultant). Anyway, long story short, (or maybe not so short!) this guy gets that I'm still bothered by that particular case. It may sound like a small thing, but it's not. My medical colleagues would have an attitude of 'it happened, it happens, it'll happen again, deal with it' but he sees a bit deeper than that. We were talking about a different case last week and I admit I let the previous case with the bad outcome colour my judgement too much and he a) had the insight to see that,b) had the balls to say it straight out (plenty people wouldn't challenge a consultant on a management plan and I appreciate that he did, that input is invaluable) and c) had the compassion to ask me if the original case still bothered me, bring me for a cuppa and let me bounce it off him (again!). It meant a lot, more than I came press here. For all that we're meant to take pride in being objective and professional, there will be cases that will stay with you a long time for various reasons, and an objective ear is very helpful with them.

Even sometimes, I'll get a text from him at 7 or 7.30 pm just saying "if you're not already at home, go home now", or "hope you've a glass of wine in your hand" and tbh, it's nice that someone cares. My siblings and parents have just gotten used to the fact that I don't have regular hours and could be at work til all hours, they take it for granted, see it as part of my life and don't realise how stressful it is or the impact it has on a work life balance. Even one if the female nurses at work (who is on the ward, not my team directly, but who I'm friendly with) asked me if I'd commit to going for a 45 min walk with her 4 days a week - I said ok til she wanted to commit to starting from the work car park at 5pm. 5pm??!! If I did t laugh I'd cry. I don't know when I last left work at 5, it just doesn't happen. I thought she'd have some concept /awareness of that, but no. So it's a help and support that he *does* get it and is there for me when things get tough.

(Sorry, this was not meant to turn into a rant about working conditions or colleagues, or and me sound like some kind of martyr, not my intention at all).

Anyway, in an attempt to bring some balance to my life I've recently joined a gym and am swimming, so that's an outlet for me. A bit like the punchbag someone suggested!


Thanks particularly to the featheredcat for your insightful post, which did put things into perspective. You're right, I'm consumed by the inappropriateness of all this, and horrified that I find myself attracted to a married man (and fantasising sexually about him, if I'm to be honest). A woman who gets involved with a married man is not who I am or who I aspire to be. But maybe I just need to take a step back and realise it's *just* a crush, nothing will come of it, I will get over it and I won't die of a broken heart!

I think that's all for now. Thanks so much again to all of you. It has been helpful to put my thoughts together here and to see objective responses. There's nobody in my life I could tell this to, so this has been great.

secondcap

Hi,

I know how your feeling but from the other way around, I was a married man with a crush on a girl I met at a social event and it took so long (still havent really) to get over it. I felt so guilty at that time even though nothing happened and it makes you feel trapped, The only thing I would say is sometimes we want what cant have but also something can be more appealing than it seems if you get me? I think a crush can be like a bubble in that it makes you really believe in something but its not always based on reality although I accept you know this guy well and there is some substance to this.

Suffice to say I aint married anymore but it does make you think about what you really want in life.

I think you will be just fine and wish you peace of mind.

Obliq

OP, off topic but you have mentioned a number of times how you're not being arrogant or big-headed whilst describing one of the toughest emotional and physical jobs I have ever heard of.

First, THANK YOU for doing that job - we can all tell how invested you are in it - your whole life revolves around helping people and trying to give people the chances they need. Totally awesome.

Second, this is clearly the kind of job that most people would run a mile from, screaming "Noooo, the pressure....!". Give yourself some bloody credit woman! No more "I'm not being arrogant". No, no you're not, CLEARLY!

Third, how you find the energy to swim as well is beyond me, but I sincerely hope you have picked a sports complex that is full to the roof with fit young men. Good luck, and give yourself a break eh? You're being too hard on yourself IMO.

rock22

Kfan wrote: »

Hi everyone, op here again


And I like the idea of thinking about his bad points as a means to move on- I hadn't thought of that before. I'm bound to identify a few if I think hard enough!
:-/

Don't, do that. This is someone, from your own description, that clearly cares about you, even if it is in a brotherly or paternalistic way. Why would you wont to focus on his bad points and ultimately find yourself disliking him. As you said you will work with him for quite some time. And even if you move to another hospital, if it is a narrow specialty, you will probably still bump into him in the future at conferences meetings etc.

I worked in health care, in major teaching hospitals all my life and I fully understand the dynamic you talk about between consultant and other staff. What I can tell you, is that dynamic does vary from hospital to hospital.

Also, even this dynamic is sexist. I know plenty of medical consultants you married nurses and other staff. But they are all male consultants.

I would go with the advice of concentrating on broadening your social life, meeting more men, and maintain a very valuable friendship that can only be an asset after you overcome your "crush".
And if you are reading this in work , on your phone, maybe get home early and get that glass of wine!

Merkin

Kfan wrote: »

Anyway, in an attempt to bring some balance to my life I've recently joined a gym and am swimming, so that's an outlet for me. A bit like the punchbag someone suggested!

That's great, there is nothing like working up a sweat to improve on mental and physical well being. These are both pretty solitary activities however so I still think you really need to work on your interpersonal relationships outside of the work place. I can understand how all consuming your work is but you can't totally neglect other important parts of your life on foot of that - you need to have some fun!

The more people/prospects you meet then the quicker you can file this nice man you work with back into the friend file! Because he is being kind and supportive and you don't have that from a partner in your personal life, it is all too easy to blur the lines. Why not join a dating website to get you back on the horse as it were? Like I mentioned before, if you have a few dates to entertain you and occupy your time then you'll longer view this guy as a crush and your feelings will recede fairly seamlessly.

Semele

I second the idea that it's harder to get over a crush when you have relatively little other male company. I don't work the hours that you do OP, but I'm on a doctoral training programme that involves time-heavy clinical placements 9-5 and a full academic research programme on top of that. I had to move away from my friends for this and the fact that my placement changes every 6 months makes it hard to really make friends or arrange any social events outside of work. In a situation like this it is so easy to become lonely and to start investing heavily in those relationships you do have in order to fill the gap...they become more significant because there is nothing else taking up your thoughts and emotions.

When you meet someone lovely and who you get on with so well, especially in a situation where you both spend a large chunk of your time together regularly, that relationship starts to meet some of your currently unmet needs- to not feel lonely, to have someone who knows what's going on in your life and who cares enough to ask, someone on the same wavelength who understands the job and who 'gets' you. That person in effect IS your main significant relationship because of those factors, and that's where the emotional attachment starts to come in. There's nothing wrong with that, it's a natural emotional process and you have been able to be honest about the fact it wouldn't be appropriate to pursue!

You need to identify the things that are missing from your life currently, the things that this man provides, and make efforts to find them elsewhere within the practical constraints of your life. It is very difficult to just extinguish a behaviour/feeling/thought, but much easier to REPLACE an unhelpful one with a more useful one. You can't just turn off your feelings for this man, but by broadening your life and your social circle you may find that he naturally loses his position of importance in your life without you having to address it directly or change your friendship dynamic.

Can I suggest a book called "Wellbeing- The 5 Essential Elements", by Rath and Harter? It's short and concise, but provides a really useful way of breaking down your life into 5 elements and seeing how robust and balanced they are. The idea is that happiness and contentment comes from a healthy balance in areas of your life, but there is also the possibility that significant wellbeing in one area (eg your career) makes up for a shortfall in another area, as long as this feels right for you. It's a good way to start thinking about how and where you could make changes anyway.

bluemagpie

Your colleague sounds like he is great support and yes other people outside your work won't necessarily get it like he does, but you should try to find support outside of work as well, or at least another person who tells you when to go home and to relax with. It doesn't have to be a relationship it can just be other friends. By saying that others don't get it and confiding your thoughts in him you are in some respects digging the hole deeper. Yes keep talking to him, work is always made easier by a colleague who understands the situation etc but you need to ensure he is not your sole confidante, you should confide in others outside of work to prevent your increasing dependence on him. Once you talk to others about what is going on you will reduce your reliance on him, and you might start to treat it more like the friendship it is, rather than the crush that is all-consuming by you choosing not to confide in another person. Good luck!

beks101

Semele wrote: »

unmet needs

This is what this entire thread screams at me to be honest OP. You've got this high-powered, highly stressful, all-consuming, emotionally and mentally and physically draining job, and you're succeeding professionally in ways that most of us don't. But you're missing out on a personal life that most of us do get to experience.

Perhaps this is the harsh reminder you need that you are human. You have emotional needs like the rest of us. And your brain simply won't switch off those needs to feel loved and cared for and understood and important to someone beyond your professional esteem - in addition to your sexual needs - so it's projecting them all on the easiest target. Which is a man you see all day every day who expresses these things you don't get from anyone else.

He certainly sounds like a caring individual, but to me the text messages checking up on you and the frequent out-of-office contact seems inappropriate and unnecessary fuel for you to feed this crush that as you mentioned, could do more harm than good.

I'm not in the business of saving lives but I work long hours in a stressful environment too; I too struggle to find people outside of the office who understand the nature of the job, the irregular hours, the all-consuming nature of the work and how it shapes my world view - but I certainly wouldn't be texting any work mates when I get home to discuss anything pertaining to the job or otherwise and I sure as hell wouldn't expect any of them to spend their personal time texting me to make sure I got home at a reasonable hour etc.

I have my boyfriend for that. He's the one I'll vent to or cry to, he's the one that will check in to make sure I've eaten or that I'll get home before the last tube or whatever; if I want to de-stress I'll meet up with my best mate and we'll go for a run or have a glass of wine; if I want to off-load some work-related angst I'll vent with current or ex work colleagues, or friends from college, but once I'm out of the office, I'm out of the office - you know? I think that boundary needs to exist for practical as well as emotional reasons - blurring the lines creates the very kind of situations you've described.

You clearly work in a very tense pressure cooker type of environment where perhaps you're used to being greeted in a more formal, respectful and strictly professional way by colleagues by the very nature of your level of authority - this guy engaging you further, befriending you and giving you all the things you've been depriving yourself in your personal life - these "unmet needs" - is provoking this emotional reaction in you.

Because you are a HUMAN! Listen to that. Become strict with yourself. Commit yourself to that walk every day, whether it's 5pm or 5am. (I'm currently on a spate of overnight shifts, just about to leave the office after a 12 hours shift to go to a hot yoga class ) Commit yourself to socializing more and meeting more friends, old and new. Commit yourself to the gym. Commit yourself to dating, online or otherwise. Start with one new date a month and take it from there.

Approach your personal life with the same vigour you have your profession because to be perfectly honest OP, it's far more important in the long run. I'm surrounded by women twenty years older than me who neglected theirs and never met anyone as a result and are shackled to a job they were once passionate about but are actively growing to resent because of the ultimate cost of it to them.

Your career sounds fantastic, and so important, and the work clearly matters more than what a lot of us lend our hand to on a daily basis. But YOU matter too OP - and this crush is simply a symptom of the unmet needs that you have to address as a matter of urgency if you ever want to maintain any semblence of happiness or balance in your life.

Once you meet someone new and fill that gap I can guarantee it will take the shine off this guy in no time.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, op here again
Apologies for delay replying, have basically gone just from work to bed this week, things were ferociously busy

Obliq-thank you for your kind words. I guess us hospital consultants are so maligned in the media that my default position is to start by defending myself!

Rock22-again, thanks for the advice. You're right, he does care for me (in nothing other than a platonic capacity) and is a positive influence in my life. I initially thought focussing on his flaws would be a good idea, but on reflection I realise otherwise.

Merkin-yep, I need to work on the life outside of work. There's not always a lot of time for it...I guess the swimming and gym suits cos I can do it in my own time, rather than committing to something with a friend then not being able to make it dis I'm still at work. But yes, I'll make more of a conscious effort. Online dating really isn't my scene, but I'm sure I'll think of something to improve my social life.

Semele and beks- god, it was eerie reading both your posts. Were ye inside my head??!!

Yes, essentially, this guy fulfils needs that are not being met elsewhere. When I was a student and a young doctor, I thought a consultant post was the holy grail, that everything else would fall into place once I got that, but it has been all-consuming, really and truly. Other aspects of my life are neglected at the expense of the job. I look after many many patients but I don't look after myself so well!

Last weekend I had the rare opportunity to go out and drink, enjoy friends company etc. so I made a decision that I was going to score. I wanted sex, casual meaningless no-strings attached sex. But dammit, any potential man I identified, I almost immediately dismissed again in my head cos he wasn't K, and he didn't measure up to him. I told myself to cop on, that I just wanted a ride, not a partner, but I just couldn't bring myself to try it on with anyone.
That aspect of it bothers me, that I'm comparing other men to him and that I'm fantasising sexually about him- he's married FFS. I need to end that behaviour on my part- wish there was a pill I could take to block the dirty thoughts!

Anyway, sincere thanks again to all who have posted and given advice. Truly, I appreciate it.

evilpixie

Hi op, I am going though a similar thing... totally fell for someone at work who works in the same office and is married. I have no advice to give as I cant fix my problem but if you need someone to chat to, feel free to pm me. Good luck in your quest to get over him ....

Taltos

evilpixie - welcome to PI/RI.
Please have a read of our charter, this is a strictly moderated forum and one of the items not welcome here is asking others to PM you. This is as much to protect you as it is to protect them.

Thanks
Taltos