'Emotional affair' would you be annoyed?

anais

Right so me and my OH ha ve been having a reallt tough time for the last number of years...finances in shreds, stress at work negative eqjuity etc etc. But I thiught wd were muddling through and adore our 3 beautiful children
Until last Saturday I had gone to bed wrecked leaving OH watching tv. I popped down to tell him something only for him to slam shut his ipad but I had clearly seen a strange woman on it. Weird I thought.so when he went upstairs to check on the baby in opened it to find Skype open and indeed a strange woman. I too slammed it shut, shocked!!
I couldn't confront him but the next day looked at his phone which had a strange kik messaging app and also some sex apps bought but not downloaded.
I felt sick. It took me days to confront him and only because he was having a go at me for being grumpy.
He said he 'only' chats to this woman on Saturday nights, not every night. He met her on twitter a few years ago, but I had asked him to stop twitter as I had found odd sex messages there, he said his account had been hacked
He"thinks" he emailed her a few times and she must have given him her mobile
I cried, he apologised but was quite dismissive, she was just a friend having friendly chats.
A few days later and he hasn't mentioned a thing and is carrying on as normal, I'm confused and at a loss. Can you have an affair without being physical? Should I also ignore it and carry on as before? My head is wrecked

CBFi

Yes I would be annoyed.....it's emotional cheating IMO and I would be devastated too. If he didn't think he was doing anything wrong then why did he try to hide it?

Alf. A. Male

anais wrote: »

he said his account had been hacked
He"thinks" he emailed her a few times and she must have given him her mobile

I don't want to add to your headwreck, but this is nonsense. Everyone who gets caught using social media for illicit purposes claims they were hacked, he knows well how often he emailed her and he knows well who initiated the exchange of numbers, plus it was an exchange, not a one-way street. Those are stock answers for people who get caught.

I have no idea if you want the truth or to shy away from it, but if you want the truth, don't acccept this sort of nonsense, he has the answers and you're quite entitled to ask the questions and get proper answers if you want them.

heretochat

Like Alf,I don't want to add to your problems but I wud be concerned that he hasn't even owned up properly to what you have blatantly caught him doing.

For your sake I hope there aren't more skeletons still lurking in the closet, although I would suspect there might be

anais

Alf. A. Male wrote: »

I don't want to add to your headwreck, but this is nonsense. Everyone who gets caught using social media for illicit purposes claims they were hacked, he knows well how often he emailed her and he knows well who initiated the exchange of numbers, plus it was an exchange, not a one-way street. Those are stock answers for people who get caught.

I have no idea if you want the truth or to shy away from it, but if you want the truth, don't acccept this sort of nonsense, he has the answers and you're quite entitled to ask the questions and get proper answers if you want them.

Yes I do want to find out the truth, as he has been blaming me for any problems we have. That I don't pay enough attention to him etc etc. Anytime I do try and talk to him he gets defensive and attacks me personally as in my facial expressions put everyone in a bad mood.
I can't ask him to leave as we're in a financial disaster, and couldn't support two households.
I just don't know how to get the truth out of him, he has deleted everything and when I asked had he told her to back off he said it didn't make a difference as they didn't talk that often anyway. He won't tell me the timeline of events and there's now no evidence so what can I do?

TechnicalGroup

anais wrote: »

Right so me and my OH ha ve been having a reallt tough time for the last number of years...finances in shreds, stress at work negative eqjuity etc etc. But I thiught wd were muddling through and adore our 3 beautiful children
Until last Saturday I had gone to bed wrecked leaving OH watching tv. I popped down to tell him something only for him to slam shut his ipad but I had clearly seen a strange woman on it. Weird I thought.so when he went upstairs to check on the baby in opened it to find Skype open and indeed a strange woman. I too slammed it shut, shocked!!
I couldn't confront him but the next day looked at his phone which had a strange kik messaging app and also some sex apps bought but not downloaded.
I felt sick. It took me days to confront him and only because he was having a go at me for being grumpy.
He said he 'only' chats to this woman on Saturday nights, not every night. He met her on twitter a few years ago, but I had asked him to stop twitter as I had found odd sex messages there, he said his account had been hacked
He"thinks" he emailed her a few times and she must have given him her mobile
I cried, he apologised but was quite dismissive, she was just a friend having friendly chats.
A few days later and he hasn't mentioned a thing and is carrying on as normal, I'm confused and at a loss. Can you have an affair without being physical? Should I also ignore it and carry on as before? My head is wrecked

A couple of notes, an app bought but not downloaded would strongly suggest that it was bought on the same account but a separate device, though it could have been downloaded and then deleted on that (or another) device. Do you know about all the devices he has?

Kik is a messenger like WhatsApp, except it uses usernames, not a phone number, so it allows people to communicate without revealing their phone number.

anais

TechnicalGroup wrote: »

A couple of notes, an app bought but not downloaded would strongly suggest that it was bought on the same account but a separate device, though it could have been downloaded and then deleted on that (or another) device. Do you know about all the devices he has?

Kik is a messenger like WhatsApp, except it uses usernames, not a phone number, so it allows people to communicate without revealing their phone number.

Thought he had only his i phone and i pad, checked both and apps not downloaded on either. His excuse was he wanted us to try them but hadn't the nerve. . . But why would you buy 7 or 8 of them? He's just carrying on like before and that nothing has happened. I suppose he thinks he's explained everything. Is there anyway to check messages once deleted? On email or Skype or this kik?

TechnicalGroup

anais wrote: »

Thought he had only his i phone and i pad, checked both and apps not downloaded on either. His excuse was he wanted us to try them but hadn't the nerve. . . But why would you buy 7 or 8 of them? He's just carrying on like before and that nothing has happened. I suppose he thinks he's explained everything. Is there anyway to check messages once deleted? On email or Skype or this kik?

So far as you know.

What exactly were the apps? Porn or for hookups with real people?

It is not reasonable to ask you to believe that he bought the app, lost his nerve and didn't download it, then got his nerve back up again and ... bought another one, without downloading the first one, or the second one, then lost his nerve again - how many times?

I don't know how easy or possible it is to recover deleted messages in these apps, but bear in mind that to do so without the consent of the user is illegal.

So ask for his consent. Tell him to give you devices, passwords, usernames, the lot. If he refuses, you have your answer.

ceadaoin.

Kik is notoriously used for sexting. If he has been exchanging pics with strangers then I would consider that more than emotional cheating. It seems he has checked out of the relationship and is using your so called neglect of him to justify looking elsewhere. He will only admit to the minimum he can get away with, probably thinking you will drop it. I would get my hands on his devices and have a good look around. As far as I know if you do the spotlight search for a certain word on an apple device,it includes deleted messages

I'm sorry this has happened, it must have been a shock.

Eeden

ceadaoin. wrote: »

...I would get my hands on his devices and have a good look around. As far as I know if you do the spotlight search for a certain word on an apple device,it includes deleted messages

I think that if you feel you need to do this, your relationship is already doomed, because there is no trust left.

ceadaoin.

Eeden wrote: »

I think that if you feel you need to do this, your relationship is already doomed, because there is no trust left.

Yes, the trust is gone because the OPs husband has been chatting to other women and making sexual comments to them online. I would have no qualms about doing this if I had reason to believe I would find something. The op needs hard evidence to confront her husband with, otherwise he will continue to lie and minimise it and the OP will continue to doubt everything and be miserable.

anais

ceadaoin. wrote: »

Yes, the trust is gone because the OPs husband has been chatting to other women and making sexual comments to them online. I would have no qualms about doing this if I had reason to believe I would find something. The op needs hard evidence to confront her husband with, otherwise he will continue to lie and minimise it and the OP will continue to doubt everything and be miserable.

Yes indeed, even though I have confronted him, he has played it all down and is carrying on normal life as if nothing has happened. The woman I caught him on Skype with was the same woman he'd met on Twitter 3 years ago and I had asked him to give up as I wasn't comfortable with some odd messages I saw even though he said this was due to hacking. I trusted him at that stage that all was fine only to witness this.
The apps were like spin the bottle for sex, dare games etc most look like they need two people or more? I haven't come across that spotlight0 search. If I don't get to the bottom of this any self respect I have will be gone. But anything I say has no evidence to back it up and he dismisses me as being paranoid.
Thanks for all the replies, it seems like other people do think this kind of behaviour even though not physical does cause hurt.

ceadaoin.

anais wrote: »

Yes indeed, even though I have confronted him, he has played it all down and is carrying on normal life as if nothing has happened. The woman I caught him on Skype with was the same woman he'd met on Twitter 3 years ago and I had asked him to give up as I wasn't comfortable with some odd messages I saw even though he said this was due to hacking. I trusted him at that stage that all was fine only to witness this.
The apps were like spin the bottle for sex, dare games etc most look like they need two people or more? I haven't come across that spotlight0 search. If I don't get to the bottom of this any self respect I have will be gone. But anything I say has no evidence to back it up and he dismisses me as being paranoid.
Thanks for all the replies, it seems like other people do think this kind of behaviour even though not physical does cause hurt.

The spotlight search is where you swipe down from the middle of the home screen, the keyboard will open and you can type in what you want to search for.

If he had nothing to hide, he would be open with you about what exactly he was doing. He wouldn't delete everything and then call you paranoid. Look up the term 'gaslighting', sounds like he is doing this to you.

anais

ceadaoin. wrote: »

The spotlight search is where you swipe down from the middle of the home screen, the keyboard will open and you can type in what you want to search for.

If he had nothing to hide, he would be open with you about what exactly he was doing. He wouldn't delete everything and then call you paranoid. Look up the term 'gaslighting', sounds like he is doing this to you.

I've been looking up spotlight and gaslighting and my head is spinning. Thank you for this

Audrey34

anais wrote: »

Right so me and my OH ha ve been having a reallt tough time for the last number of years...finances in shreds, stress at work negative eqjuity etc etc. But I thiught wd were muddling through and adore our 3 beautiful children
Until last Saturday I had gone to bed wrecked leaving OH watching tv. I popped down to tell him something only for him to slam shut his ipad but I had clearly seen a strange woman on it. Weird I thought.so when he went upstairs to check on the baby in opened it to find Skype open and indeed a strange woman. I too slammed it shut, shocked!!
I couldn't confront him but the next day looked at his phone which had a strange kik messaging app and also some sex apps bought but not downloaded.
I felt sick. It took me days to confront him and only because he was having a go at me for being grumpy.
He said he 'only' chats to this woman on Saturday nights, not every night. He met her on twitter a few years ago, but I had asked him to stop twitter as I had found odd sex messages there, he said his account had been hacked
He"thinks" he emailed her a few times and she must have given him her mobile
I cried, he apologised but was quite dismissive, she was just a friend having friendly chats.
A few days later and he hasn't mentioned a thing and is carrying on as normal, I'm confused and at a loss. Can you have an affair without being physical? Should I also ignore it and carry on as before? My head is wrecked

Hi OP!

You've every right to feel annoyed, betrayed and hurt! What your husband is doing is wrong and is emotional cheating!

I was also in your position but it was me who was doing the online cheating behind my husbands back! To cut a long story short my marriage was going through a bad phase...hubbie working 24/7...always tired...stressed...no time for me...sex life was crap. I felt unwanted, unattractive and lonely.

Chatting to men online gave me confidence (I know it's pathetic and wrong!) it kind of got me thru a bad phase I guess at the time.

You need to talk to your husband and ask him why he feels he needs this n his life?? Is he bored...wants things spiced up n the bedroom? What's his reason for online chatting

It's not right and it is a betrayal to your partner so hopefully he can see this and cut ties with this woman

Good luck

anais

Audrey34 wrote: »

Hi OP!

You've every right to feel annoyed, betrayed and hurt! What your husband is doing is wrong and is emotional cheating!

I was also in your position but it was me who was doing the online cheating behind my husbands back! To cut a long story short my marriage was going through a bad phase...hubbie working 24/7...always tired...stressed...no time for me...sex life was crap. I felt unwanted, unattractive and lonely.

Chatting to men online gave me confidence (I know it's pathetic and wrong!) it kind of got me thru a bad phase I guess at the time.

You need to talk to your husband and ask him why he feels he needs this n his life?? Is he bored...wants things spiced up n the bedroom? What's his reason for online chatting

It's not right and it is a betrayal to your partner so hopefully he can see this and cut ties with this woman

Good luck

Hiya,
Funny, because he's the one working 24/7 all stressed and tir ed. But so am I, working full time and trying to cope with 3 small children who don't sleep well. But I don't find men online. . .
We've had this out before and he thinks I've changed since having children and don't give him enough attention. No I'm not into going to the pub to watch matches every weekend like at the start of our relationship. Yes I have changed but he's like my fourth child and needs to grow up.
I did a spotlight search on one of his devices and I feel physically sick. Flirty messages from two years ago, when I was pregnant, even joking 'my wife wouldn't like it much if she knew I was talking to you lol'
I asked him to go to counselling a few weeks ago as I'd like some help in dealing with everything but no go.
I feel like running away but I can't and my kids adore their dad. Don't know what to do now.

Audrey34

anais wrote: »

Hiya,
Funny, because he's the one working 24/7 all stressed and tir ed. But so am I, working full time and trying to cope with 3 small children who don't sleep well. But I don't find men online. . .
We've had this out before and he thinks I've changed since having children and don't give him enough attention. No I'm not into going to the pub to watch matches every weekend like at the start of our relationship. Yes I have changed but he's like my fourth child and needs to grow up.
I did a spotlight search on one of his devices and I feel physically sick. Flirty messages from two years ago, when I was pregnant, even joking 'my wife wouldn't like it much if she knew I was talking to you lol'
I asked him to go to counselling a few weeks ago as I'd like some help in dealing with everything but no go.
I feel like running away but I can't and my kids adore their dad. Don't know what to do now.

I feel terrible sorry for you. He's being awfully unfair and selfish. I know I probably sound like a hypocrite as I used to chat online to men but that's in the past now, I realised it was just a novelty and I chose to try improve my marriage.

You're husband is being very dismissive of your feelings. It's hard work when you're raising kids, running a household and on top of all that you've this to contend with! You need to throw a **** fit!!!! You sound like ur being v calm about all of this with him. If counselling is very important to u and u feel ye would benefit as a couple tell him 'it's counselling or else he's gone!'

Make him see how utterly devastated u are and disgusted!!! He HAS to stop and change and respect u. You are not an object just to produce kids and run a household. You're a great person who has chosen to spend your life with this man..u need love, affection and respect. He needs to realise you won't put up with this any longer.

ceadaoin.

Does he ever do anything nice for you? Or does he expect it all to be one way traffic. It sounds from your posts that as well as working full time you are also doing the bulk of the housework and childcare when you aren't at work. That has to be exhausting with not much support from him. He himself seems to have a lot of time to devote to this online relationship which he could be investing in his marriage.

He needs to see that you are serious about this and what he stands to lose if he continues. Have you confronted him with this new evidence? Can you ask him to leave for a few days?