I don't know what I look like

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, I'm a long time boards.ie member going anonymous for this.

As ludicrous as the thread title is, it is exactly my problem and has been for several years. Basically, I have no idea how I appear in the flesh or in personality to others. My one wish in life would be to be a fly on the wall for just one day, just to see how I come across to others and what I look like.

When I look at photos of myself, I am horrified to think it's me. I can't stand the girl in the photo. Sometimes I'd show my mum and she will tell me I look 'stunning', I even get angry at this because I feel as though she is just trying to cheer me up because I'm not pretty. The girl in the mirror and the girl in the photograph look like two completely different people to me. Sometimes I am happy with my mirror image, but then I obsess over it and realize that I am looking at a 'mirror image' and not at what others actually see. A few girls in work pass comments to me like 'you're skinny', 'would you stop, sure there isn't a pick on you', even these comments leave me frustrated because I am a size 12 and according to height/weight charts I am half a stone overweight.

Everything which happens in life I relate back to being 'not attractive'. For instance I am 23 years of age and I have never had a boyfriend. I was bullied in school, I believe this is because I wasn't pretty enough to have friends, the shame of being seen beside me.

I know how ridiculous the above sounds and I do not want to receive comments telling me 'to forget what others think'. I am not caring about what others think here, I am stressed out because I feel like I am completely oblivious and delusional.

It is effecting me more and more each day to the point where it is effecting potential relationships. For instance I have been asked out on two dates recently (online), and I am too terrified to go because I think they are way out of my league (both male models imo).

I've attended two psychiatrists in the past 5 years and they then put me in touch with two psychologists to help me deal with what they both thought was purely 'low self esteem'. I am not denying that I have low self esteem, I know I do - but what I can't understand is why I can't see the real me.

Thank you for reading.

LegacyUser

Hi op,

I could have wrote your post as I know exactly what you mean. I am 36 and dont know how I look either. I often wonder if everyone else is the same or just a few people.

When I look in the mirror I think I look so different to everyone else that im not just ugly but a freak.

The ironic thing is women find me very attractive and I get complimented on it all the time

I see "handsome men" in the media and I fit none of it.

I am not vain and other than shower and brush my teeth etc I use nothing else. I dont even put aftershave on as I think it is wasted on someone like myself

I never tell anyone how I think and feel about myself

In my opinion it comes from when i was younger my family would "joke" about my big lips etc Back then, I knew they were joking but none the less it hurt and I must have carried this through life with me

LegacyUser

You don't have to be good looking to be beautiful. I have met lots of people who haven't been classically good looking but have lots of attractive qualities, are great to be around great story teller, sense of humour, kind etc... Everyone has physical faults they dwell on and feel badly about. Everybody's body is unique everybody's body is different and beautiful in their own right. We decide how we feel about our bodies. Can you try sitting down and writing a list of the things about your personality that you love and the things that other people love about your personality and then maybe choose one physical trait that you think is attractive. What can you do with your body that you're proud of? What can you do with your mind that you're proud of? If you're happy about yourself you give people permission to be happy for you.

bluemagpie

Most people tend to judge themselves far more harshly than they would another person. If you think about the people you see every day how many 'ugly' or 'freaks' do you see? I would guess possibly none. People are all different and the ugliness is related to their personality rather than anything to do with how they look. People can have good or bad skin, lines, wrinkles, and different characteristics but it's what makes that person unique.

It is worth thinking about what comes into your mind when you see other people, try it out for a while, and I would be very surprised if you ever judge anyone else as harshly as you are judging yourself. Then remember that is what everyone else is doing too. When you look back on photos of yourself years from now it may just start to dawn on you that actually you like the way you look. Personality is what most people end up judging you on in terms of friends, co-workers, and boy/girl friends, we're all attracted to different people. Not having a boyfriend or girlfriend is no judge of how you look, more a matter of putting yourself out there, believing that you are as worthwhile as anyone else and making the effort to meet someone and taking the leap of faith with that person to develop a relationship, it may work out or not, but it will be based on your personality and theirs as to whether you get along enough or not for it to work out, not on what you look like. There is also no age by which you have to have had a relationship, and there are plenty of 23 year olds and older who have never been in one.

Being bullied when you are younger is no real judge of what you look like or your personality, it could be that one person just picked on you for a reason they probably don't even remember and then they all carried on with it, it's nasty but not your fault. Also being half a stone heavier than recommended is in no way a sign of you being overweight. Recommended values are just that, they are based on sedentary average people, there is no such a person, it's just an average of a population, and even then there are ranges, that is why BMI charts have over 5 point ranges for each category. Also BMI charts don't take into account bone structure and muscle differences and other variations, most sports people do not in any way correspond to their recommended BMI, and 1/2 a stone is absolutely no indicator, if you were 3 stone out of your 'healthy' range well then it might indicate something but the healthy range is about 1 stone around the average at least.

kjl

Hi OP

I know exactly what you mean. I hate seeing picture of myself, but you have realise that a camera is not a true representation of what you look like, if you take your phone and switch it to front camera and compare the image you see on your phone to the image in the mirror you will see the phone highlights flaws and imperfections. It never captures the lighting correctly.

I know a girl who models, she looks amazing in photos but that generally because they have been photoshopped a lot to correct every flaw. A before and after really show a big difference.

The truth is even though the mirror is a reverse image, you still look very like the image that is produced so stop obsessing about it.

If I were you and I was really concerned about this I would hire a professional photographer to take some picture of you in a studio. I think you would find that when it's not someone on a drunk night out with a rubbish camera phone that the picture will be a true representation of what you look like.

Also, <as I have also obsesed about this before > you could buy one of these
http://www.truemirror.com/

they are a bit pricey but they will give you a very accurate image of what you look like. They had one in a hotel I was staying at and it was fascinating to see what I actually looked like. It was like getting to know myself and I have been very confident in my looks every since.

Hope you find this useful

fiona-f

You said "I was bullied in school, I believe this is because I wasn't pretty enough to have friends, the shame of being seen beside". If you truly believe this, it is heartbreakingly sad. Do you believe only pretty people deserve friends? That you would refuse to have someone as a friend if they were 'only' of average or moderate attractiveness, and definitely not at all if they were unattractive? Or are you judging yourself by standards that are far far harsher than you would use for others?

Your post really suggests to me that you need some further help on the self esteem issue you have already identified. There is also a condition called body dysmorphia, where you fail to see your own image correctly, I'd strongly suggest you talk to your GP about these feelings as it is making you miserable and you deserve a life free from such anxieties and pressures - as does everyone else, regardless of their appearance.

Little miss demeanour

Just with regards to the true mirror, there is a free iPhone app called true mirror, it's pretty cool.