Cause for concern?

ShockedUpset

Hello

In the last few days I discovered my husband has been looking at what I would consider to be excessive porn. His search history shows videos viewed from morning to night on regular daily, sometimes hourly basis. This is at home and during work hours.

I came across this initially by accident but once I saw it looked properly. It has been going on for years but not anywhere near the excessive level it is at now. My stomach is sitting in my shoes since I found this.

Porn I can deal with. Maybe not love the idea of maybe not so much of it too. What has sent me reeling is while my husband has been looking up different porn material I also came across recent searches for "sex in work" "having sex in work" "sex in the toilet" and names of women he works with searched and viewed at the same times.

I don't know what to think, how to process this. I can't get my mind around this. To me it seems my husband is fantasising about having sex with women he works with.
Is that normal behaviour?
Have I cause to be concerned?
He has changed towards me for a long time, I suppose I blamed myself for being paranoid so let it slip.

Merkin

On the scale of the type of porn he could be interested in then his fantasies are fairly vanilla tbh and I wouldn't worry too much about what the porn entails. If it was child or animal porn or really violent rape porn then that would be a whole other issue so the type of porn he currently enjoys wouldn't worry me.

I would however be concerned about him bashing the bishop on an hourly basis however as watching porn on the hour, every hour seems WAYYYY excessive. Have you been able to discuss this with him and more importantly, is this porn replacing a healthy sex life between the two of you?

ShockedUpset

I brought it up with him and he lied and denied it all.
He now admits it but says he has no interest in the women from work. This is what bothers me most if I am to be honest. These would be women I meet on nights out, friends of friends and how can I not look at them without knowing my husband has knocked one out to the thoughts of them.

It has had an effect on us, he is showing much less interest. Sometimes failing to see the deed through. I have been feeling rejected, unattractive and very much unwanted. I was totally unaware of what has been happening.

The porn is very broad in type. There was the word rape in some of the videos, a lot of very derogatory words and horses too.

I am feeling very sick and hurt. Shocked too very shocked.

jimd2

Is he at home alone during the day? You have mentioned his work so he could be working shifts? It seems to me as if he has got into a rut and allowed this habit to escalate to alarming levels.

It could be a symptom of not having enough to fill the time during the day, laziness because of this and ready access to the internet.

I am not sure how much creedance I would put to the searching for particular women in work. He might have been fantasising because he can never have them.

I think that you should try and draw a line in the sand on this and do the following.

1. Insist on some type of filter on the internet that stops all porn being accesses on computers in the house. I know that is taking away a certain level of liberty but he needs to realise that the access was out of proportion and this is the best way to stop it continuing.

2. Tell him that you are prepared to work on the relationship in whatever way possible to improve things. Maybe you both need to see a counsellor I am not sure.

3. Try to get some free time together either going out at weekends and also lie ins etc that might get the sparks going again.

At least if you give it a try you will know that you tried to improve things before it has a more serious effect on your relationship.

Best of luck.

ShockedUpset

He is not home alone and would have a busy work schedule. How he has managed to get to this baffles me. I have commented numerous times on his amount of time spent online. Not coming to bed with me or until I am asleep. I didn't even consider this was what was happening.

I'm afraid he will not stop, he will just hide it better.

Thank you for your advise. I will take it on board it sounds reasonable enough.

Penny Tration

Horses and rape?

Op, tbh that worries me even more than the fact that he's essentially choosing porn over you.

Have you asked him why he looks up rape and beastiality porn? That's far from normal behaviour.

ShockedUpset

He said he was just being stupid. Now I will say those words were few and far between what was viewed most regularly was more average type porn.

A little porn here and there I am really OK with. I feel a line has been crossed. Admittedly I would consider myself prudish but I'm open to trying new things.

I'm not open to what is going on now.

Pawwed Rig

I would not be overly concerned with him watching porn tbh. It is a fairly normal thing for people to do. If you look at the most popular internet sites many are porn related.

That said there would seem to be a problem in your relationship which doesn't sound to be the healthiest. The porn is most likely a symptom rather than the cause.

You both need to look at what you want from each other and start taking steps to resolve your issues. This may include marriage guidance counselling or could just involve taking more interest in each others lives.

Insisting on a filter as suggested below would be treating him like a child.

jimd2

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

I would not be overly concerned with him watching porn tbh. It is a fairly normal thing for people to do. If you look at the most popular internet sites many are porn related.

That said there would seem to be a problem in your relationship which doesn't sound to be the healthiest. The porn is most likely a symptom rather than the cause.

You both need to look at what you want from each other and start taking steps to resolve your issues. This may include marriage guidance counselling or could just involve taking more interest in each others lives.

Insisting on a filter as suggested below would be treating him like a child.

Yes, perhaps it would but it might be the kick up the a$$ that he needs. We are in a very "politically correct" age and some people resist any liberties being effected even if these liberties are having an effect on others.

He has been accessing the internet in a very inappropriate way. It might even be classed as an addiction and it might be best for his attempt to kick the addiction to have no access for a period of time or at least make whatever access he does get difficult. They will be hopefully working on their relationship at the same time and, if this helps in getting the relationship back on track, then I think it would be a good thing.

That said I do agree with the other points regarding working on their relationship.

ShockedUpset

Thanking everyone for the responses
Hearing the different perspectives has helped a lot more than I would have ever imagined. I'm still not happy about it all but it's not totally consuming my mind now.

We have been together many many years, before the days you could just Google porn so freely and look up workmates so easily. I guess this is a part of life that the next generation will have mastered before marriage whereas for me it feels like an invasion of sorts. For my husband a great novelty I am sure

A marriage though is about two, not one. I stand by the fact this is something I am unhappy with and unhappy about. It clearly has become an obsession. A little porn here and there wouldn't bother me in the slightest. The level of porn my husband is using does. I feel if he can't respect that we should separate. I have told him this.

We have a good relationship at times, we need work at times. We generally tend to make a great team
We need work again and it can be done I'm sure.