Housemate moved bf in

KVA60

I've been sharing a house with my housemate for almost two years now. There has always been a third room but we never really found anyone suitable (to her standards) to move into it. After a few months of me living there her boyfriend started staying over more, sometimes 4-5 nights a week. I really had no issue with this as he wasn't in my way. Almost a year ago, she asked if he could move into our spare room (paying rent and bills) for a month while he looked for a place as he really couldn't find one. I said fine, but stressed temporarily. Life took over, three months later he was still there. At this stage I had no issue as I thought it would only be a few more months. She was considerate in asking me if I was ok with him staying, again I said yes but didn't think I wanted to live with a couple permanently as it sometimes leads to issues. (Was once on the other end myself) fast fwd to now and he is quite rude towards me. We had it out once and since then he seems to be doing daily things to try and piss me off. I know I never should have let him move in from the outset but I felt pressured and didn't want to put him out. I tried to be openminded and easy going about it. I won't go into detail but I'm afraid to broach the issue with my housemate because I fear it could make things worse. The atmosphere is just awkward as he and I don't really speak. I really love my room and the area but have become uncomfortable and keep to my room most of the time. It's no help that I know my housemate would in no way be on my end of the situation! I suppose I've made my own bed but would I be unreasonable to talk to her about it? I just can't see it ending well, and don't want to make the situation any worse as I am not in a position financially to move house for a while. Any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks for reading

Shelga

That sounds awful OP, and they have taken advantage of your kind nature. My advice would be to calmly ask both of them to sit down around a table one evening. Be firm and clear and acknowledge that this was let go on too long, but now the boyfriend or both of them have to go, if they want to move in together they'll have to do it away from your place. It will be uncomfortable but it has to be done.

It's a shame when good houseshares turn out this way, but c'est la vie. You're definitely not in the wrong here though. And I hope you've at least been splitting rent and bills 3 ways!

Merkin

You definitely need to talk to your housemate. He is only supposed to be there as an interim measure and now he's trying to make life in the house hard enough for you that you'll opt to leave. Ask her to meet you for a drink on neutral territory and tell her that the situation has become intolerable for you.

hfallada

OP you need to realise if you took mate doesn't agree that you will probably be the one to move out. Would you consider telling her one of the girls in work or college wants a room and hint at putting her in her bfs room? Just to see what her reaction is. Sometimes people don't realise having their boyfriend/girlfriend in the house changes the mood completely.

I can't understand if they are both paying rent for 2different rooms why they just wouldn't not move into a 1 bed apartment together. It would probably be the same rent. Maybe they just don't see their relationship as that serious?

Tokyo

Whose name is on the lease? Right now it's a 2 against 1 situation, so that's going to be the most important factor here if the discussion isn't going to be amicable.

CatFromHue

If he was only there temporarily and is still there it's time to say the temporary period is over and he should start looking for another place.

In my experience house shares are only as good as the people you live with. I lived in a bit of a dump but everyone got on so it was great and equally I lived in a great house but while there were never any issues we wouldn't have been that close so it was just ok.

You could call a house meeting to discuss the issue. It may be uncomfortable but it's the only way to get things resolved in my experience.

I wish you the best as it's a crap situation, unfortunately it won't get better by itself.

Potatoeman

mike_ie wrote: »

Whose name is on the lease? Right now it's a 2 against 1 situation, so that's going to be the most important factor here if the discussion isn't going to be amicable.

I had this issue myself and this is what it came down to. If he's not on the lease and there against your consent then they are in breech of the lease. Did he pay a deposit?
Keep in mind you may need to give back their half of the deposit if you are staying. If they try and gang up on you, him not being on the lease means he does not get a say.

KVA60

Thank you for all the replies. Merkin that's a good suggestion, I never thought of meeting her at neutral territory. Unfortunately there is no lease and I forgot to mention she has lived there for six years so has a really good relationship with the landlord. We kind of just find a housemate and replace them when we can. When we did interview for housemates there was always a problem with them, ie. no teachers or shift workers no students as they'll be home during the day too much etc yet for the majority of times I have been in and out he's home all day. Tbh I am not sure he works full time or at all. That again is where my issue lies, that different rules apply to her because she has been there for so long. Hfallada, that's what my question is as well. I assumed if this were to be a permanent thing they'd move into their own place together. It's not as if were all really young either I'm late 20s they're early 30s. I did make a comment at one stage saying ok fine I'd rather him in since he's already here anyway than someone else. (What I meant was he's already here a lot and he may as well pay bills) so maybe she's taken it up wrong. The last girl we had in lasted a few weeks as my housemate bullied her out and was really bad to her. I don't want nor can I afford to be in that situation. I'm not sure whether she's in a position to move out with him either so I feel a bit cheeky saying it. When we do talk it always ends in a fight. I feel like the landlord would be on her side bc she's a long term tenant. It's nice to know I'm not being unreasonable. I was planning on talking to her at the weekend but now having second thoughts as the lack of lease could play against me

Mr. Incognito

I think you are going to have to move out. I'm sure that was her long term plan anyway.

Potatoeman

KVA60 wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies. Merkin that's a good suggestion, I never thought of meeting her at neutral territory. Unfortunately there is no lease and I forgot to mention she has lived there for six years so has a really good relationship with the landlord. We kind of just find a housemate and replace them when we can. When we did interview for housemates there was always a problem with them, ie. no teachers or shift workers no students as they'll be home during the day too much etc yet for the majority of times I have been in and out he's home all day. Tbh I am not sure he works full time or at all. That again is where my issue lies, that different rules apply to her because she has been there for so long. Hfallada, that's what my question is as well. I assumed if this were to be a permanent thing they'd move into their own place together. It's not as if were all really young either I'm late 20s they're early 30s. I did make a comment at one stage saying ok fine I'd rather him in since he's already here anyway than someone else. (What I meant was he's already here a lot and he may as well pay bills) so maybe she's taken it up wrong. The last girl we had in lasted a few weeks as my housemate bullied her out and was really bad to her. I don't want nor can I afford to be in that situation. I'm not sure whether she's in a position to move out with him either so I feel a bit cheeky saying it. When we do talk it always ends in a fight. I feel like the landlord would be on her side bc she's a long term tenant. It's nice to know I'm not being unreasonable. I was planning on talking to her at the weekend but now having second thoughts as the lack of lease could play against me

Does she have a lease? Its odd that none exists. Do you know her relationship with the ll?

My situation was different as my flatmate moved in his gf and she was very noisy, up at weird hours and didnt think they should pay extra rent as they were sharing a room. It came to a head as I was not getting sleep and had to get them to move out.

Sometimes people take advantage and other times they just dont think. You need to decide if one of you will move when this comes to a head. As they are a couple she probably told him you were asking about him still being there. I would be prepared to move just incase.

skooterblue2

Hi Op,
Tell me how you are going to resolve this situation amicably, where he gets to stay, she doesnt get hurt and life returns to bliss for you?
I dont see it happening as she has the upper hand with the landlord.

One of my big rules is ... if you are staying over more than 2 nights a week .......then you are sharing.

I think she has put you in a crap situation....... and she will side with her boyfriend everytime over you.

Start prepping to move out

Tokyo

KVA60 wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies. Merkin that's a good suggestion, I never thought of meeting her at neutral territory. Unfortunately there is no lease and I forgot to mention she has lived there for six years so has a really good relationship with the landlord.

Then you are completely on the back foot with this situation, I hate to say. She holds all the cards in terms of an established relationship with the landlord and she's also been a model tenant in the landlord's eyes for six years, so he's not going to be eager for her to leave.

A certain amount of responsibility falls on your shoulders for this too, I have to say. You said that you stressed in the beginning that he could stay temporarily, but you did nothing to follow up on that when your housemate checked in with you about it, and even said "ok fine I'd rather him in since he's already here anyway than someone else". I'm not saying this to be mean, but you inadvertently accepted this guy as an "official" third housemate through your own passiveness and not wanting to rock the boat - and it's coming back to bite you in the ass.

You should talk to your housemate about it, but I don't honestly see this ending well. The dynamic isn't two-friends-with-another-housemate anymore, it's long-term-couple-sharing-with-you. And I don't see her listening to what you have to say and responding with "ok, I'll tell him to move out this weekend". She's going to side with her boyfriend, and the only way things are going to change is if they decide to get a smaller place of their own, or if you move out. Unfortunately for you, I think it's going to be the latter...

KVA60

Mike and scooter unfortunately I think you're right. I never should have said yes from the get go. Unfortunately I can't move out until at least September so I guess I'll have to make the best of a bad situation. It's a shame because the landlord is a really nice guy, has never raised rent and let us keep third room vacant until we found someone suitable enough. When I do finally move out I can't imagine them finding anyone who wants to live with a couple.Thank you all for your advice! I think you saved me from an even worse situation

skooterblue2

If it is any consolation.... I have lived with a couple. Then they fight the try and draw you into it. As soon as they start up you have to head for your room. Then you are inhouse counsellor for both their stuff.... and then use you as "he said she said" material.

If anything this is going to prompt you find a place with your own fella. Good luck with the move.

CatFromHue

Have you approached the landlord about moving out?

You never know if he was happy for it to be just your and the other girl for such a long time he may be ok with it being her and her bf.

KVA60

I wouldn't really approach him about the situation because he's such a sound landlord in comparison to others out there. I think he'd probably say we should sort it among ourselves anyway. Skooter thanks for advice luckily I don't have to put up with any of that, was clear about that from the beginning. I suppose it's just a situation of she is not as considerate as she used to be and bc of it I resent him. They've another lad staying on n off for the past two weeks while he looks for a flat. She asked was it ok for a few nights then didn't bother asking for other times. I think all I can do is just treat her as she treats me and stop being as considerate (err doormat) as I used to be. If one of my mates needs to stay for a week then so be it. I'll follow her own rules. The best I can do is hope they cop on and get their own place. Grateful for the advice thanks