Relationship ended because we're both in the closet

LegacyUser

I hate having to write this but my relationship of 5 months is at an end. My boyfriend broke up with me. He said the reason was that we couldn't make a real relationship work right now.

The problem is that we're both in the closet. Some of our friends know, but that's it. We both live with our parents at home with no sign of that changing anytime soon.

Up until now we've had to lurk about in bushes, wait for a free house or book weekends away so that we could be relaxed together. Every other time it was like we were just friends having a chat in a pub or a cafe. We couldn't even give each other a kiss 99% of the time, in fear we'd be seen.

My boyfriend couldn't handle it anymore and told me that neither of us are ready for a real relationship because of our life circumstances. Of course I was heartbroken. I know it was a struggle, but I thought we could make it work. But without the intimacy it reduced to just a friendship.

Is there anyway to save this relationship? I don't want it to end, but I also can't see it going on like this. Has anyone had an experience like this or able to give any advice?

Thanks.

Peregrinus

It is difficult to make, and sustain, a serious relationship when you’re in the closet. Apart from the fact that it’s kind of hard to meet and court prospective partners when you’re closeted, if you are fortunate enough to meet someone who is looking for a relationship, is attracted to you and knows that you are gay despite your being closeted, it’s difficult to move forward. One of the things we do when we’re in a significant emotional relationship is share the fact with our family and friends, and invite them to be happy for us, and to acknowledge our partner. Without this dimension I think any relationship - gay or straight - is a clandestine affair which has to be confined to one corner of your life - the corner that your family, friends and workmates don’t know about. That’s quite a small corner.

Nobody can tell you when to come out; that has to be your choice, and it depends on circumstances that only you are positioned to judge (like how it will affect your relationship with your parents). But I think the question of coming out is intertwined with your desire to seek out romantic partners and pursue relationships with them; until you can do the first, there’s quite a barrier in the way of doing the second. And reflecting on that may factor into your decision about if, and when, to come out.

ninty9er

Does your family know your boyfriend as a friend of yours? If they do and they like him (and vice versa) there's possibly something to be said for the coming out option.

Peregrinus

Well, possibly, but this would need very careful handling.

In the first place, nowheretohide’s boyfriend is closetted too, and he has his own coming-out decision to make. Right now it seems that he recognises that being in the closet makes a relationship difficult or impossible and, for the time being at least, he has chosen the closet over the relationship. So it seems he’s not ready to come out. Given that, nowheretohide can’t out him to create a convenient context for nowheretohide’s own coming out.

The other point is that, even if they were both ready to come out, asking nowheretohide’s parents to deal at once not only with (a) knowing that their son is gay, but also with (b) knowing that this other person they also know is gay too, and (c) their son has a real live gay relationship that they have to acknowledge. One possible response in this situation to this is that nowheretohide’s parents’ anger and confusion gets deflected onto the boyfriend/the relationship. Not good.

Obviously this is a call that only nowheretohide can make, but it may be easier for his parents (and, therefore, for him) if he comes out to them at a time when he is not in a relationship, so that they can get used to the idea of his being gay before they have to deal with an actual, live relationship and an actual, live boyfriend.

And of course this also opens up the possibility for nowheretohide to go back to his boyfriend and say, in effect, “I’m out now. And it wasn’t as bad as I feared. And I’m ready to move on with life and start dating openly. And for preference I’d date you, if you’re ready to come out too.” And maybe that will help the boyfriend come to his own decision.

_Redzer_

He's chosen the cowardly route. He picked being in the closet over a relationship with you, I find that crazy.

I wasn't out for a while but I always said that that wouldn't stop me if I met someone because I knew it wouldn't be fair on him and it'd only strain anything we might have. I didn't feel comfortable with coming out quite that moment, but I still wouldn't let myself have this crippling insecurity while constantly sneaking around in shadows -that always seemed ridiculous to me and I knew I'd more self respect than that.

Anyway, I came out to my closet friends a while after and from there on out I bit the bullet. I was sick of being closeted, and since I'd told the most important people to me, I didn't give a shít about any other outcome, good or bad. Turns out it all ended out great for me, 99% of the time it always does and you'll find your head created scenarios infinitely worse.

Don't waste your time in the closet with other closet cases, it'll only add more missery and waste more of your years.

The thing to do is to man up and face it. You'll be a better and stronger person for it. It's not easy, but we all have to do it, and you doing it makes it easier for someone else you might know in your position.
If you want to be happy and have a normal and healthy relationship, that's the only way you're gonna get it. So either do something about it or stop complaining.

It's tough love but it's absolutely the best thing for you

bicloset

Its very difficult situation as I know somewhat your pain. All I can say is, it would of been far worse if your partner was out of the closet and was putting pressure on you to do likewise for the sake of the relationship. I'm sure the fact ye were in a relationship means ye are still very close friends and that alone should be worth saving as opposed to the "sexual aspect", your bf prob feels the fact ye were both in relationship and it was continuing on for so long, that coinciding with the increasing length was putting him under pressure to come out of the closet. Id would say, coming from someone in a similar position, only without the bf lol that you need to ensure you keep up the friendship, as a moral support for each other and when the time comes to come out, you will have each other there as a pillar of support, and who knows down the line if ye both come out, the relationship might flourish again!

Caiseoipe19

_Redzer_ wrote: »

He's chosen the cowardly route. He picked being in the closet over a relationship with you, I find that crazy.

I wasn't out for a while but I always said that that wouldn't stop me if I met someone because I knew it wouldn't be fair on him and it'd only strain anything we might have. I didn't feel comfortable with coming out quite that moment, but I still wouldn't let myself have this crippling insecurity while constantly sneaking around in shadows -that always seemed ridiculous to me and I knew I'd more self respect than that.

Anyway, I came out to my closet friends a while after and from there on out I bit the bullet. I was sick of being closeted, and since I'd told the most important people to me, I didn't give a shít about any other outcome, good or bad. Turns out it all ended out great for me, 99% of the time it always does and you'll find your head created scenarios infinitely worse.

Don't waste your time in the closet with other closet cases, it'll only add more missery and waste more of your years.

The thing to do is to man up and face it. You'll be a better and stronger person for it. It's not easy, but we all have to do it, and you doing it makes it easier for someone else you might know in your position.
If you want to be happy and have a normal and healthy relationship, that's the only way you're gonna get it. So either do something about it or stop complaining.

It's tough love but it's absolutely the best thing for you

Well good for you. If only everybody could be as self-confident and brave as you, and just be able to "man up and face it".

And he's not complaining, he's clearly asking people's opinions...

Also, how do you that coming out would be "absolutely the best thing" for him? Everyone's situation is different so unless you, or anyone know a hell of a lot more about the OP than has been posted, none of us are in a position to say what is the best thing for him with such confidence.

_Redzer_

Caiseoipe19 wrote: »

Well good for you. If only everybody could be as self-confident and brave as you, and just be able to "man up and face it".

And he's not complaining, he's clearly asking people's opinions...

Also, how do you that coming out would be "absolutely the best thing" for him? Everyone's situation is different so unless you, or anyone know a hell of a lot more about the OP than has been posted, none of us are in a position to say what is the best thing for him with such confidence.

I wasn't always self confident or had it any easier than many either. There came a point where I got sick of things and knew that adopting such extreme stances is the only way to get things done. You have two choices; you tackle it, take the more difficult route and face everything head-on, or you sit back in the shadows and lie in your misery, not able to be yourself and constantly being on edge or fearful. That's no life whatsoever and is far more harmful than any coming out reaction. I think it's obvious which choice is more rewarding and worthwhile long-term.

That's why I decided if things didn't go to plan I would do it for myself regardless and stop worrying about other people and how they might react. Fúck them, it was my life and I needed to start thinking about it that way. I needed to gather my courage and do it.

A lot of us do it and come out the other side of it. And if more and more of us do it and do it showing showing only strength, with no hesitation, then that's a serious message to send to other people.
I've completely shifted the opinions of people around me who were homophobic because I was so unapologetic about it. I'm great friends with a lot of these people now and they're even very much pro-same sex marriage -just to give an example of how far they've come.

I've come to learn that you set and decide how people will react to you. If you're doing this for yourself and telling them just so you can be more open to yourself, and it's not for them primarily at all, then you're going to show confidence and security in yourself. That's admirable, and people pick up on that positively. Were you to be unsure, hesitant and nervous about, well that wouldn't send as strong a message.

To cut a long story short, every single person is happier once they come out. In the short term it is very difficult, it is scary, but the reward of doing it is huge and often comes with regret of some people for wishing they hadn't said "fúck this" and just did it many, many years ago.
The alternative route is to stay closeted, live your half life and miss out on so many important experiences -like being in a relationship openly and being able to talk to your friends and family about it, and just generally being so much happier in yourself that you don't have to hide and be ashamed about an unchangable part of you.
The long run actually sounds worse to me, even though it is the cowards' way out because you're subjecting yourself to years of self inflicted torture by holding yourself back and skulking around the shadows. Would you really want to be that 50 year faceless profile on Grindr all your life?

I guess my point is to the OP, don't settle for a half-assed experience in this, it's only going to bring more headaches. Work on coming out, it's an infintely better world and investment, one where you will be able to have healthy, normal relationships with other men who have the confidence and self respect to be out in the open, too. You'll be so much happier and better off if you bite the bullet and work on coming out.