Should I stay or should I go?

guitarplayer49

I met my boyfriend six years ago, he was the total opposite to my ex, reliable, charming, affectionate, so we became a couple. I thought i would be happy settling down with this guy.

He was unemployed, made redundant and i was working a good job. We ran up a few bills on our credit cards. Both personal loans. He got a good job so we moved counties and made a go of it. I left my good job to be with him and fell pregnant a few months after moving. I was home alone from 8-7pm during the week. Kept busy but developed pre and subsequently post natal depression from being lonely, missing home, family and friends. Also realise now looking back that although we were in a relationship, we werent very connected to each other. We did the right things by each other but I couldnt say we were in love.

We got engaged after our child was born but i always found that we never got excited about a wedding together, i would show him venues, menu's and he would always say practically we couldn't afford it but never join in the excitement.

We enjoyed a drink together and this was the only time he would open up to me. I gave up drinking a few months ago and that showed a massive gap in our relationship.

We never had a healthy sexual relationship as he has trouble maintaining an erection and premature ejaculation. I told myself this wasn't an issue in the beginning but sex has been so unfulfilling the last few years. It seems impossible to enjoy it anymore, as youre always rushing in case he finishes early.

So a few weeks ago, i talked to him about our relationship and explained i wasnt very happy and wanted to seperate. He was devastated. I told him I was only bringing to light the big elephant thats been in the room with us the last few years. Explained as best I could how I felt. I moved into the spare room and the distance made me very happy. I feel the reason i was depressed was because i had been in an unfulfilling relationship for so long but not realised it.

I kind of like being on my own. I always have. The thoughts of moving out make me happy. Im earning good money ans could easily support my child.

The only thing that stops me is the thoughts of what damage it might do to our beautiful child. I know we could co parent together very well over the years but i am scared i will damage our baby by my choice to be happy.

If i stay, i will be miserable. I found a great house nearby and it looks the right deal. I spoke to my parents and they want me to stay, but how can you stay with someone you dont love, dont want to kiss?

You only get one chance to live, thats all. I want to live my life happy but - do I deserve that when i have a child? What is the right thing to do...

shalalala

Your child will not be happy growing up in a household where the parents are not happy. Go and co parent well and find love. Everyone deserves it

Jenneke87

Your child will not grow up unhappy, children are very resilliant and will adapt quickly. Besides, what will you teach your child about marriage and relationships when you stay in one that only makes you miserable. I think that's actually worse than seperating.

hairyprincess

You have a child together, I think you owe it to the child to make a concerted effort together to make your relationship work, before you walk away. Try couples counselling. The result may be that you still want to separate and that's perfectly fine, but I think you need to be sure before you walk away.

Merkin

If you don't love this man then staying together for the sake of the child would possibly be the most well intentioned but wholly misguided decision you could ever make. I'm close to two people who's parents did exactly that only to split up in their early adulthood and they both said the parents in question should have done it years ago. Staying together and being miserable could have a detrimental effect on your little one. Far better to split amicably and be the best parents you can be, albeit living apart from one another.

strobe

guitarplayer49 wrote: »

I met my boyfriend six years ago, he was the total opposite to my ex, reliable, charming, affectionate, so we became a couple. I thought i would be happy settling down with this guy.

He was unemployed, made redundant and i was working a good job. We ran up a few bills on our credit cards. Both personal loans. He got a good job so we moved counties and made a go of it. I left my good job to be with him and fell pregnant a few months after moving. I was home alone from 8-7pm during the week. Kept busy but developed pre and subsequently post natal depression from being lonely, missing home, family and friends. Also realise now looking back that although we were in a relationship, we werent very connected to each other. We did the right things by each other but I couldnt say we were in love.

We got engaged after our child was born but i always found that we never got excited about a wedding together, i would show him venues, menu's and he would always say practically we couldn't afford it but never join in the excitement.

We enjoyed a drink together and this was the only time he would open up to me. I gave up drinking a few months ago and that showed a massive gap in our relationship.

We never had a healthy sexual relationship as he has trouble maintaining an erection and premature ejaculation. I told myself this wasn't an issue in the beginning but sex has been so unfulfilling the last few years. It seems impossible to enjoy it anymore, as youre always rushing in case he finishes early.

So a few weeks ago, i talked to him about our relationship and explained i wasnt very happy and wanted to seperate. He was devastated. I told him I was only bringing to light the big elephant thats been in the room with us the last few years. Explained as best I could how I felt. I moved into the spare room and the distance made me very happy. I feel the reason i was depressed was because i had been in an unfulfilling relationship for so long but not realised it.

I kind of like being on my own. I always have. The thoughts of moving out make me happy. Im earning good money ans could easily support my child.

The only thing that stops me is the thoughts of what damage it might do to our beautiful child. I know we could co parent together very well over the years but i am scared i will damage our baby by my choice to be happy.

If i stay, i will be miserable. I found a great house nearby and it looks the right deal. I spoke to my parents and they want me to stay, but how can you stay with someone you dont love, dont want to kiss?

You only get one chance to live, thats all. I want to live my life happy but - do I deserve that when i have a child? What is the right thing to do...

Would you consider trying to address the issues in your relationship first before ending it? It seems from your post you kept all of this to yourself right up to the point you told him you wanted to separate? There's medication that would help with his ED, talking to him about opening up more and not just when you're having a few drinks might mean he does open up more. Maybe it's too late at this stage though and things have gone past the point of no return? Did you ever love him? I think that's the main question you need to answer. If 'no', then it's probably best for both of you and your child if the relationship ends. If you did, then maybe you should at least give each other the opportunity to try to work on the issues in the relationship before pulling the plug?

guitarplayer49

Thanks very much for everyone's helpful replies.

We spoke last night, I told him I wanted to move out. He was very upset. I agreed to go to couples counselling and not do anything until we both agree that the relationship isn't working out.

Strobe - I don't think I ever really loved him. Truly or partly. I told him last night that I just didn't know how to give to him, to do anything for him.

We had a good long chat last night. He wants to stay with me, I don't know why. Because he says he loves me. I am not in love with him, I don't want to kiss him or touch him. I really feel lost. We both cried. I have this insane urge and feeling to be on my own and live my life.

MugMugs

guitarplayer49 wrote: »

I am not in love with him, I don't want to kiss him or touch him. I really feel lost. We both cried. I have this insane urge and feeling to be on my own and live my life.

guitarplayer49 wrote: »

I agreed to go to couples counselling and not do anything until we both agree that the relationship isn't working out.

I've reorganised that for you a bit.

Ultimately, it's very difficult to come back from that first quote and quite frankly I think you're doing nothing but giving false hope by agreeing to work it out. You cannot be counselled into falling in love with somebody.

I'd really urge you to reconsider your position here OP. For your sake and for his.

guitarplayer49

After a few weeks now of sleeping apart, not being physical or intimate, etc I was expecting that when I was really honest about not wanting to be physically affectionate with him anymore, sleep together and move out - that he would understand.

But despite saying everything out - he doesn't seem to accept my decision, or accept the truth in my feelings.

He wont let me go. It was only at 1am with tears in my eyes that I agreed to the counselling. I started crying because nothing I was saying was sinking in, he just wouldn't accept it. I talked about moving out, our son, our future lives and he just wouldn't accept it.

For me, its not about getting the relationship back to where it was years ago. I dont feel any love, attraction or closeness towards him.

strobe

Ouch, poor lad. Try to see it from his point of view, imagine if you'd been in love with someone for years, married them and had a child together, were sure they felt the same, then one day seemingly out of the blue they tell you they don't love you and it's over. It's got to be an unbelievably hard thing to accept. I don't want to be critical of you but to be honest, your posts don't seem very empathetic or compassionate or to be giving much consideration to the fact that he's basically the injured party in all this. So maybe temper your thoughts and actions with that somewhat if it's in you to.

I think Mugmugs is absolutely right though. Going to counselling and going through the pretence of trying to save a relationship that you don't want to save is ultimately only going to hurt him more.

I think your should probably move out ASAP tbh, ensure that he has all the access to his child (as you seem to have already decided the child is coming with you when you leave him, but perhaps, assuming he is a good father and considering you are considering moving nearby, joint custody is what you should be thinking) that he wants and be prepared to facilitate that absolutely, apologise but don't leave any room for him to think there is a chance at reconciliation when there really isn't, that would just be cruel at this stage.

osarusan

Is it possible that while for you the lack of closeness/connection was an obvious elephant in the room, he genuinely thought things were going well?

I feel for you both, but I would echo the above post. Look at it from his perspective if you can - his girlfriend had told him she isn't happy, has never really loved him, and wants to leave, taking his child. He must be shattered, especially if he had no inkling that anything was wrong.

I don't know if this could have been saved earlier, but it seems too late now.

guitarplayer49

Hi all, thank you for your input.

He admitted that things haven't been great also but he just doesn't want to lose me.

I was able to show him where I saw the problems and he agreed fully with me but won't accept that I want to move on.

I also went to counselling from May to Jan this year after a miscarriage and it was in counselling that we discovered that deep down, I wasn't truly happy with my relationship and it made me happy knowing that was the reason behind why I feel the way I do. It has been such a release knowing this and a power too when you make a decision based on your own happiness as so many people stay for the sake of children and remain unhappy in life.

Sunflower, thanks for the supportive words.