There's no place for me in modern society

Friendlyperson

Hi,
I'm a frequent poster on these threads but wanted to keep annon, let no one know who I am etc

I've no real close friends, I have people that I chat to in college and people that I know of but Ive no real close friends that I can head out with or hang around with

I'm really terrible with women, there have been so many negative instances with regarding women in my life I don't where to start, but long story short I haven't had a relationship yet and im still a virgin unhappily so that sums it up really, women don't like me as Ive been advised upon before

I'm thinking about turning gay, or trying to, and see how it goes, even though im not attracted to men, as Im so lonely and maybe id be a bit more accepted by men who are gay themselves if I tried going down that route,

I've read threads here before about loneliness when posters say expand your interests, join clubs & societies and you've a better chance of meeting and getting to know friendly, nice people, well thats totally wrong in my case
If anything going down that route for years has made me worse and knocked my confidence even more

Im on dating sites also, never any luck there either

Completed confidence courses, got counselling etc, and still getting counselling but Im still as helpless if not even more helpless than before I tried all these hopeful solutions

I really have tried my utmost best to solve my issues, but the harder I try the worse it gets

So what I really need here is completely different advice to the usual join clubs & societies, go to confidence courses advice etc.. please Im really at a loose end here

Oryx

Stop trying to solve your issues. If you're focussed all the time on changing something 'wrong' and being someone new well when the heck do you ever relax and enjoy yourself?

Cos that is key. People can suss fake and trying too hard from a mile away. So maybe take the pressure off fixing things for now and just set out to do things you enjoy for a while. Be yourself with no agenda.

And as for turning gay. You're not gay. You're just hunting for another random change to make that might just work this time. This won't!

Friendlyperson

Oryx wrote: »

Stop trying to solve your issues. If you're focussed all the time on changing something 'wrong' and being someone new well when the heck do you ever relax and enjoy yourself?

Cos that is key. People can suss fake and trying too hard from a mile away. So maybe take the pressure off fixing things for now and just set out to do things you enjoy for a while. Be yourself with no agenda.

And as for turning gay. You're not gay. You're just hunting for another random change to make that might just work this time. This won't!

But then when I wasn't trying to change, improve and get my life in some sort of order, I never relaxed and wasn't happy then either so

Simple Man

Could you go into detail what these issues are?
Maybe they're just part of who you are and you're struggling to accept them.

Est28

Friendlyperson wrote: »

Hi,
I'm a frequent poster on these threads but wanted to keep annon, let no one know who I am etc

I've no real close friends, I have people that I chat to in college and people that I know of but Ive no real close friends that I can head out with or hang around with

I'm really terrible with women, there have been so many negative instances with regarding women in my life I don't where to start, but long story short I haven't had a relationship yet and im still a virgin unhappily so that sums it up really, women don't like me as Ive been advised upon before

I'm thinking about turning gay, or trying to, and see how it goes, even though im not attracted to men, as Im so lonely and maybe id be a bit more accepted by men who are gay themselves if I tried going down that route,

I've read threads here before about loneliness when posters say expand your interests, join clubs & societies and you've a better chance of meeting and getting to know friendly, nice people, well thats totally wrong in my case
If anything going down that route for years has made me worse and knocked my confidence even more

Im on dating sites also, never any luck there either

Completed confidence courses, got counselling etc, and still getting counselling but Im still as helpless if not even more helpless than before I tried all these hopeful solutions

I really have tried my utmost best to solve my issues, but the harder I try the worse it gets

So what I really need here is completely different advice to the usual join clubs & societies, go to confidence courses advice etc.. please Im really at a loose end here

That's quite insulting to gay people I must say. They are real people not a social outlet for you and for many gay men and women they have a hard enough time being accepted at times and finding people to form relationships with than for someone to thinks it's a choice or a joke or use them to fix their own problems.

It doesn't sound like your trying hard enough.

If you have a hard time making friends or talking to women the only way to fix it is to keep doing it and change it up every time until you find an approach that works for you.

How often do you actually speak to new people or approach women or go new places to meet people. Because 9 times out of 10 when people complain about this they are either not actively doing it or doing the same thing every time and expecting things to change.

loalae

Reading your post you came across as negative and not at all hopeful.

Maybe a change you could make is to retrain your thought process so that you focus on the positive in any situation. You seem to think that external things have the power to make you happy - they don't. It has to come from the inside and I'm afraid you're going to have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with things.

I don't mean to sound harsh but maybe the reason people don't gravitate towards you is because they can sense that you don't expect to be accepted. Be hopeful, expect to be liked and act accordingly.

Friendlyperson

Est28 wrote: »

That's quite insulting to gay people I must say. They are real people not a social outlet for you and for many gay men and women they have a hard enough time being accepted at times and finding people to form relationships with than for someone to thinks it's a choice or a joke or use them to fix their own problems.

It doesn't sound like your trying hard enough.

If you have a hard time making friends or talking to women the only way to fix it is to keep doing it and change it up every time until you find an approach that works for you.

How often do you actually speak to new people or approach women or go new places to meet people. Because 9 times out of 10 when people complain about this they are either not actively doing it or doing the same thing every time and expecting things to change.

I don't mean to insult gay people at all, Im also not joking or using them to fix my own problems, what I meant was maybe they might understand a little more of what Im going through, as you said yourself they have a hard time being accepted for who they are, and so have I for the last number of years, they might be able to provide me with different advice with regards to different approaches or different ways of doing things

Ever since I went to confidence courses I have learned to speak differently and a lot more confidently, learned to change my approches in certain different situations as well, but so far anyways I still havent managed to have my own circle of close friends, or be in a relationship with a girl etc

I try to speak and meet new people 5/6 times a week every week for about 6 to 7 years by now including during the summers, on top of working, college and going to counselling, also add in the countless number of clubs & socities Ive joined since starting college, also I try on dating sites as well, basically I try as much as I can in my opinion to be as outgoing as I possibly can be, it does get a bit disheartening after a while believe me

Friendlyperson

Est28 wrote: »

Because 9 times out of 10 when people complain about this they are either not actively doing it or doing the same thing every time and expecting things to change.

I guess im that 1 out of 10 then :P

trancemuzic

What happened to your friends you grew up with ?

You must have had friends growing up right ?

Penny Tration

I'm not trying to have a go here at all, but all of these times you go out to try meet people, what happens? Do you speak to them? Do you speak to men, women or both? Do you try activities, or clubs, or do you just go for a drink and try to chat to people?

Friendlyperson

trancemuzic wrote: »

What happened to your friends you grew up with ?

You must have had friends growing up right ?

Primary secondary school ?

You see I never had one set of a group of friends while growing up, like I have mates and people I talk to about sports and such and such I've always had that while growing up as a child and a teen, but they were never real close friends friends if you get me ? Id never see after them after school hours

December2012

You say you're talking to people all the time - are they the same people? Do they talk back? If so they are on the way to being your friend.

Are you too intense?

Friendlyperson

green_screen wrote: »

I'm not trying to have a go here at all, but all of these times you go out to try meet people, what happens? Do you speak to them? Do you speak to men, women or both? Do you try activities, or clubs, or do you just go for a drink and try to chat to people?

When I meant that I try to meet people I didnt mean that I do that with drink involved all of the time if you get me ?

Well I speak to both men and women, this is more in situations where there is no drink involved, well its just a normal conversation really, nothing out of the ordinary ask how they are whether they're working or in college what there interests are are they into any sports etc,

I don't go for a drink or get drunk currently as if I did try that I'd be on my own, and drinking on my own, like if I had my own group of friends obviously it would be much easier for me to be on out on the drink scene as I'd have people to go out with, be invited on nights out house parties birthdays etc, meaning I'd have a bit of a better chance of finding a girl that way, but at the moment as Ive no friends I dont get invited to these kind of social events

Friendlyperson

December2012 wrote: »

You say you're talking to people all the time - are they the same people? Do they talk back? If so they are on the way to being your friend.

Are you too intense?

emm well it varies, I try to mix it up by chatting to the same people and also trying to chat to other people as well

but a lot of the time nothing hugely materialises out of the conversations even though the person and myself have discovered that we've a few things in common, Im always as positive as I can be in the conversation

What do you mean by being too intense ?

Jenneke87

Wait....you're straight but you're "gonna try to be gay for awhile" to see if that's going to give you any luck love wise. Let's just assume that this brilliant idea is gonna work and the guy in question falls for your little act and falls in love with you.....then what? Because saying:"Hey I'm actually straight but hadn't much luck with women so I decided to try and be gay for awhile, but really I'm not.", isn't gonna do your confidence a whole lot of good either.

You sound like you've made it your life's purpose to find love no matte what, but I don't get the impression you're particularly happy with yourself to begin with. Also if everything you have done so far isn't working, why do you still do it? Have you tried a dating agency instead of a website? Maybe speeddating? If you like sports, see if you can find somebody to be your buddy where you meet once a week and work out together, maybe you're better one-on-one than in a group.

poundapunnet

You've gotten far too locked into your own head on this, fair play on having put so much effort in in joining societies and stuff but I think the problem is more at the level of how you're thinking rather than how you're acting.

These acquaintances you have, are there any you like more than others? It just sounds like you want friends and that's as far as your thinking has gone on this, it doesn't really matter who your friends are as long as you get some. That's the kind of thing that people pick up on and get put off by. Your comments about trying being gay because maybe they'll understand you really illustrates this, it's all about what you'll get out of the relationship (and it sounds like you have some really needy needs, which is understandable given how isolated you feel, but is unfortunately a real turn-off) rather than you wanting to get to know and offer anything to anyone else.

You're overthinking this and approaching it like a problem to be solved rather than being natural and working on being happy with yourself. It's like the opposite problem a lot of people have on here where they throw up roadblocks for themselves to being any bit pro-active, you've just gone too far in the opposite direction. I would guess (because I've encountered people like this, and no matter how much I feel for them, they're exhausting) that when you're in conversation it's clear to see that you're thinking too far ahead about where it's going to lead and what you're going to get out of it rather than properly engaging with that person in that moment.

There has to be SOMETHING that you enjoy and that makes you happy. Listening to music, TV, sport, anything? If you find yourself in conversation with someone who has an interest in common with you, great, enjoy the conversation, don't be weird about it, don't be thinking about whether it's going to lead to a friendship and a big change in your life. It's. Just. A conversation.

Awesome-O

Have you ever been travelling? This is such a great way to meet different people then you would at home. Australia/ new Zealand are very easy to travel alone and meet new people. A lot of people are away to 'find themselves' and people are much more relaxed and genuine then 'real life' pressures of work and study.
Flights are expensive but once there you can get regional farming work or work in a hostel for free accommodation, best thing I ever did, made some friends for life.

R.D. aka MR.D

When you are having these conversations with people and you say not much comes out of them. What exactly do you expect to come out of them?

Do you suggest meeting up with these people at a different time to pursue a mutual interest? Do you connect with them via text/facebook/twitter?

I agree with others that it seems like you have decided that you need friends or love and you are pursing that and nothing else. Do you have any other goals for yourself in life? Learn something new? Progress in your career? I think most people aren't going around looking for new friends all the time. They have their own pursuits and lives and they meet people who have similar interests or are in similar circumstances and they include them in their lives some how (for example, going for a pint with a work colleague on a friday evening.)

Soft Falling Rain

Hi OP.

I know this is quite simplistic but all I can say is relax. Stop treating potential relationships as a gold standard in life and you will find things much easier.

Also, respect and like yourself. If you don't, it just makes rejection and unrequited feelings much more complicated and difficult to deal with.

As for "turning gay", I won't be critical of you, but I will tell you not to be silly.