Meeting Birth mother next week!

pebbles21

Hi all
Ill try to keep this short..was born in St.Patricks on the Navan rd. in 1969..Adopted straight away and was always told by my parents

In 1994 i tried to contact my birth mother through an agency,they contacted her and she replied and said she married a few years after she had me and never told her husband and had four more children,told nobody and would contact me in her own time..she never did

Roll on till now(im 45) I was armed with small details from the agency from years ago and found my birth cert in the office in the Irish life mall,then found her marriage cert,bit more detective work,i ended up with her mobile phone number(long story but google is a great tool)

So got my wife to text her saying a friend from the late sixties was trying to contact her,she never replied,not sure if she got texts,so she the rang her the next day,she talked to her and she said she was expecting the call(she did get texts)they had a little chat and she said in her own time,she will contact her but doesnt want meet me,just now

A few days later my mother texts my wife and says Ill ring you over the weekend and arrange a meet up

The only people in this womans life who knew about me is her parents who are both dead,so know body in her life knows i exist,she has a husband and four adult children,and i haven't a clue what to say to her after all these years of searching for her

Ok want to know the basics like medical history and the obvious about who my father is..but can anyone give me some advice on what to say and especially not what to say,as even though im am very nervous about meeting her,im sure she is twice as nervous as me

dobman88

I have never been in this situation myself but my former girlfriend had the same experience when we were together so hopefully this advice may be useful to you.

Hear her out, don't get angry or frustrated at what she says. She might tell you things you don't want to hear so be prepared for it but don't let it end up in a fight or argument.

If she is ready to meet you now then she must have her own questions or maybe wants to give you an explaination. I suppose if you treat it like meeting a "stranger" then it could go smoother. Get to the meeting place before her, introduce yourself when you meet, smile. Start off with something like, wow where to begin or something light hearted. Try and be as relaxed as possible to make her at ease also because you are both bound to be bricking it. Don't rush into asking about your siblings straight away, talk about her and her life, your Dad and Grandparents etc.

I suppose the main things are be relaxed, be prepared to hear anything, try and understand that it was a different time back then and we don't know what kind of pressure she was under to give you up.

Best of luck with it, I hope it works out well for everyone involved.

The_Conductor

Its hard. Unfortunately we're all thinking of ourselves in situations like this- no-one wants to get hurt.

Its not clear whether your birthmum has now told her husband and your other siblings about you- or whether her intention is to somehow try to do her best to keep you as a separate part of her life.

Its all well and good my telling you to try to understand where she is coming from in all this- but at the same time you need to think of yourself too.

Neither you nor she should set rock solid ground rules and expect the other to abide by them- life is governed by rules written in stone- and its sad that in today's world us adopted people are still being treated as secrets from the past by society in general.

I'd suggest bringing a few photos of you as you were growing up- and asking that she bring a few photos of your siblings with her- so you'll instantly have something to sit down and talk about- that isn't particularly threatening to anyone.

I think you really have to start out with baby steps, explore where the other person is (regarding the situation) and work with what you find. Don't go in with expectations- or ideas in your head about either the past or indeed the future- its hard- its damn hard.

The very best of good luck to you- I hope you have a lovely meeting and that it all goes well.

StinkySocs

Best of luck Pebbles! I wish I had the balls to do it!!
I hope it goes really well for you both
SSXX

Hermy

Sorry I don't have any advice for you Peebles but I wish you the very best.
I'm a few steps behind you and grateful to you for posting this thread as I decide how to proceed with my own search.
I recently made contact with someone who knows my birth mothers family and am on the cusp of possibly finding out her current circumstances.

Terri Kiernan

Hello Pebbles.
My son was born in St Pats 1973, he goes under his adopted name but all I can say to you is I live my life in hope every single day, that one day he will agree to meet me. Please bring the person whom gave you your very life any pictures of your childhood, I too held silence for many years we were never allowed to speak about what happened to us. We were shamed and locked away, by society, the same society that gave court hearing to all walks of criminals. I know you may have heard abut the dark days in Ireland, but give her a chance, she will be very nervous, and if Iam right she may seek forgiveness from you. Most mothers like me never can forgive themselves for not fighting back, but we knew we could not, but it still hurts deeply.,
Be yourself, dont try and impress her, simply be you the wonderful person you must be to seek her out, to care enough to give her some moment of your time, as like I she has lost so many many years.
You give me hope thanks for sharing this and please let me know how you get on, dont forget you are her son, there is nothing else she needs, but to meet you.
For all the adopted people that search dont give up, and to all the mothers like me keep trying.
May the Gods that be shine on you both.


*mod edit * name removed

Terri Kiernan

Please persue this dont put it off, thanks for sharing

pebbles21

Thanks for the replies folks and the best wishes,unfortunately she still hasnt text me with a meet up day,she said she would but probably has other issues to sort,i wont pressure her and just wait,i will keep you posted

Terri Kiernan

Thanks Pebbles,
perhaps her nerves are getting the better of her. Don,t let too much time go by she may only need a gently persuading from you, casually mention you will bring some pictures from your childhood with you.
All the best
I am confident you will meet soon.
Terri

Terri Kiernan

Hermy please try and make the step just think of all the answers you will find and especially being able to to be face to face I wish you well.
Terri

Hermy

I will make those steps Terri but it's one at a time for now.:)

Terri Kiernan

Nice one each great journey began with the very first step
Best of luck

pebbles21

She rang today..Said it was the hardest thing she ever had to do in her life , and regrets it every day since, anyhow meeting is arranged for next Thursday afternoon

The_Conductor

The very best of good luck to you- we'll all be thinking of you and wishing you well.

rcdada

Best of Luck pebbles21...please let us know how you get on.

Terri Kiernan

Hi pebbles
Iam so so happy for both of you. The very best to you don't forge. To bring some pics of your life with you and just be yourself that's the greatest gift you can bring to the woman whom gave you your life I will send you positive energy
Be strong
Terri

MartinJohn

Hi Pebbles

Best of luck with your meeting tomorrow. I meet my BM in January last. It was very good to finally meet her. A couple of small things, bring some photos for her to keep if she wants, a small bunch of flowers (that wont look to out of place for went she gets home) especially if her husband does not know. She may not say too much. The shock and nerves might get to much for her. I know the urge will be to stay and chat for hours to get answers to all the questions you have but its best to keep it to an hour. The emotion of the day can be very draining on both of you. Just go with the expectation of having a chat and be patient because this could be the first the time she has spoken about this for many years. I hope everything goes well for ye.

Sadderday

best of luck

Terri Kiernan

Hi Does anyone know if the new bill is passed can a mother gain access to her son,s file. The worrying part of living apart is the not knowing how our precious children are cared for. In my case they refused to give him back to me (aged 3 months) although no paper was signed I would love to know if this was documented as the Foster parents that offered to help me were witnesses and were as shocked as me. I would love my son to know this, yet I m scared too if he did not have a happy childhood I really hope he did and he would know how much he is loved I still send him love everyday.

pebbles21

Finally met my birth mother, after 45 years,we met in a hotel lobby, hugged each other and just yapped away for about two hours, I showed her photos of me growing up and she showed me pics of children she had after me

It was all a bit surreal and overwhelming, I had a thousand questions to ask but only asked a few, we swapped numbers and I left it to her to contact me again whenever she likes,but over all I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders even though it was emotionally draining

dobman88

pebbles21 wrote: »

Finally met my birth mother, after 45 years,we met in a hotel lobby, hugged each other and just yapped away for about two hours, I showed her photos of me growing up and she showed me pics of children she had after me

It was all a bit surreal and overwhelming, I had a thousand questions to ask but only asked a few, we swapped numbers and I left it to her to contact me again whenever she likes,but over all I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders even though it was emotionally draining

Congrats Pebbles, so happy it went well for you. Good luck for the future

Terri Kiernan

So so happy for you both I was there in spirit thank you for allowing me to go on and never give up hope he may one day forgive enough to allow ne a moment of his life I love him always I so hope he'. Had love around him all his life
Thanks again.
All the best for this new chapter in both of your lives

MartinJohn

Congrats Pebbles, its a very hard emotion to explain that first meeting but it feels good. Glad it went well for ye. Good luck for the future.

Floating Hippo

That's brilliant The Conductor, appreciate that - will enjoy getting started. Terri you have inspired me also, I ve often thought I would even jus like my BM to know I have a good life and she has grand kids!
I remember a number of years ago the Govt sent out forms for both Bparents and adoptees to fill out. I understood that if there was a match then Bparents could contact the children! I have a number of friends also adopted, but none of us ever heard of anything coming from that.
Thanks again

Ghekko

You are lucky that things have gone well, despite an ocean of mixed emotions on both sides no doubt. I sent dhs form off last week to the contact register and pray that there is a match. He was born in St pats in 1973. Terri who knows, you could have been there with his bm. He was adopted at 6 weeks. Think I am more excited/anxious than him. He just wants his bm to know he has had a good life and having heard birth mums talk on radio recently he said he never really considered how awful it was for them. This is what finally made him decide. So he does not want his bm to feel any guilt.
Good luck going forward with your bm pebbles21.

Terri Kiernan

Hi geheko
My son was born on the 15th October 1973 @ 6-30 am he weighed 6lbs6oz 3boys were born that day I have pictures I sneaked out 2 of Niall 2 if a bunch of girls like myself. I stayed till early December I was in besbero in cork from Apri. to July escaped git to Dublin then put into st pats in July I met many girls and shared some very sad times you keep up the good work what joy for his bm what release if guilt hurt and pain carried inside every single day what I would give fir such a gift
Good luck xx

Ghekko

Dh was born the day before!!

Terri Kiernan

Omg we were given house names mine was Tracey but we confided in those we were close to I was i. Hos partfor sometime before he was born I had complications so I wad there fir many births including the Sunday she and I were good friends it has to be her is his adoptive name David cause I know what his bm mother named him I wonder

Ghekko

Terri I sent you a pm.