Contact after first date - is he bothered?

LegacyUser

I met a guy from online on Wednesday night.
We had a lovely date, bit of awkwardness maybe in the beginning but overall I thought he was great and definitely wanted to see him again.
A lot of kissing at the end (I made the first move), he texted me after to make sure I got home safely.
We had been messaging on whatsapp a bit before the date – fairly regularly enough I would say.
Since then I feel as if the instigating by him has been less.
I messaged him today wishing him a good weekend and his responses were curt, one-sentence type thing, no further questions etc.
He did invite me over “for a beer” this evening but I had to work so couldn’t go.
I know it’s only been two days but I’ve had so many good first dates lead to nothing before – which is fine – but I really would like to see this guy again.
But don’t want to scare him off by being over eager or anything!
Should I just roll back on the contact and see if he makes any further moves?

Merkin

Asking you around at short notice 'for a beer' when he doesn't seem all that bothered suggests hook up more than date. You've made it clear you're keen so if he's interested he'll ask you on a second date, I wouldn't go chasing him.

LegacyUser

Hey Merkin thanks for that. I know you're right and it's what I sensed but I suppose sometimes you just need someone else to point it out to you. It is a bit disheartening really as I liked the guy and I've had this before - demoted to a casual hook up by someone I have interest in. Ugh, it's annoying. Are there any men who actually would be open to having a relationship on these sites at all or am I just so utterly unloveable!

Anyway, not gonna waste my energy with this one. Will see if he gets back in contact but think it's more likely another one bites the dust!

Merkin

Awww, try not to get disheartened. It's a numbers game really and if you look at it logically, you're far better realising it's a non starter now then invest a lot of time and energy into something that's not going to go anywhere. Onwards and upwards xx

Tasden

I dunno tbh, my second "date" with my current partner was going round to his for a beer and we're still together a year later.

shnburn

Firstdateguyadvice wrote: »

Hey Merkin thanks for that. I know you're right and it's what I sensed but I suppose sometimes you just need someone else to point it out to you. It is a bit disheartening really as I liked the guy and I've had this before - demoted to a casual hook up by someone I have interest in. Ugh, it's annoying. Are there any men who actually would be open to having a relationship on these sites at all or am I just so utterly unloveable!

Anyway, not gonna waste my energy with this one. Will see if he gets back in contact but think it's more likely another one bites the dust!

It is annoying with them sites im one one to having no look even tho i said on it not looking for a hook up unfortunately there is alot who are

ViveLaVie

Maybe hold back on kissing 'a lot' on a first date. Something short and sweet might get you a different result.

LegacyUser

ViveLaVie wrote: »

Maybe hold back on kissing 'a lot' on a first date. Something short and sweet might get you a different result.

This is what I don't get though - why should that matter? It's hardly like I slept with the guy or did anything remotely physical beyond a kiss and surely if a guy is into you that's hardly going to be a turn off?

I dunno, I think this latest guy is just the latest in a series of dating disappointments from this online thing and it has really dented my self esteem. I've a lot going for me & I'd be considered attractive but I just keep meeting these non starters who either just want to get the leg over or are just not bothered. It kind of sucks.

Anyway have deleted this fella's number anyway so hopefully hell be out of the head in a day or two!

MugMugs

From a male perspective, he's just not that into you.

ViveLaVie wrote: »

Maybe hold back on kissing 'a lot' on a first date. Something short and sweet might get you a different result.

I disagree. When it's right it's right. Obviously don't force yourself to want to kiss them but if you feel it happening then let it happen.

ViveLaVie

Firstdateguyadvice wrote: »

This is what I don't get though - why should that matter? It's hardly like I slept with the guy or did anything remotely physical beyond a kiss and surely if a guy is into you that's hardly going to be a turn off?

I dunno, I think this latest guy is just the latest in a series of dating disappointments from this online thing and it has really dented my self esteem. I've a lot going for me & I'd be considered attractive but I just keep meeting these non starters who either just want to get the leg over or are just not bothered. It kind of sucks.

Anyway have deleted this fella's number anyway so hopefully hell be out of the head in a day or two!

Just experiment with my method and see what happens. No loss if it doesn't work. By all means kiss him, but don't get into hot and heavy kissing. My current boyfriend remarked one day that our first kiss kept him wanting more and thinking about it all week cos I kept it very brief - nice but brief. I just think a lot of lads love the chase and that applies to anything physical. Keep them wanting more.

LegacyUser

ViveLaVie wrote: »

Just experiment with my method and see what happens. No loss if it doesn't work. By all means kiss him, but don't get into hot and heavy kissing. My current boyfriend remarked one day that our first kiss kept him wanting more and thinking about it all week cos I kept it very brief - nice but brief. I just think a lot of lads love the chase and that applies to anything physical. Keep them wanting more.

Or don't play games? If you feel like the date is going well and want some heavy kissing (or more), then you should go for it.

To be honest, I wouldn't be overly worries at this stage, you've had one date and although the second meet up suggestion was only a beer, it suggests he does want to meet up again!

ViveLaVie

Kissingon1stdate wrote: »

Or don't play games? If you feel like the date is going well and want some heavy kissing (or more), then you should go for it.

To be honest, I wouldn't be overly worries at this stage, you've had one date and although the second meet up suggestion was only a beer, it suggests he does want to meet up again!

Yeah I don't play games. I just don't get all hot and bothered with someone I barely know. It is true that lads like the chase, whatever you think about giving into your own urges. And that's what it is, giving into urges and not demonstrating self control.

ViveLaVie

sunflower27 wrote: »

Whether you kiss or whatever on the first date is irrelevant if the other person happily kisses you back. Foe every person that says don't kiss on the first date, there will be another that will say that they did - and more - and are happily together still.

Do what feels right for you. Trying to live by the rules of others is pointless. We are all adults here - we make our own choices to live by.

All I'm saying is try it out. The OP has found her way ineffective, there is nothing wrong with trying a different approach. Fact is, many lads think the same way I do.

MugMugs

ViveLaVie wrote: »

. It is true that lads like the chase, whatever you think about giving into your own urges.

When I was 18 maybe.

You're advocating game playing. Pure and simple.

Op, be straight and honest with your date. Honesty is the foundation to everything.

Don't play games. Don't presume that all men are wired the same in enjoying a "chase"

strobe

ViveLaVie wrote: »

All I'm saying is try it out. The OP has found her way ineffective, there is nothing wrong with trying a different approach. Fact is, many lads think the same way I do.

Just curious. Do you think that if you'd have had a little bit more than a 'nice but brief' kiss with your boyfriend that night, that you'd have never heard from him again? He'd have just forgotten about you after that night and been off with someone else the following weekend?

ViveLaVie

MugMugs wrote: »

When I was 18 maybe.

You're advocating game playing. Pure and simple.

Op, be straight and honest with your date. Honesty is the foundation to everything.

Don't play games. Don't presume that all men are wired the same in enjoying a "chase"

Sorry but having self control is not playing games. I don't see any reason to get hot and heavy on a first date besides the obvious, which is no self control. Having self control and restraint is not playing a game.

And no, I'm not 18. I gave advice to the OP that I believe to be constructive, I don't see why you need to insult me.

ViveLaVie

strobe wrote: »

Just curious. Do you think that if you'd have had more than a little bit more than a 'nice but brief' kiss with your boyfriend that night, that you'd have never heard from him again?

No, but I do think it added to the anticipation and it was nice to take things slowly and build up an emotional connection before engaging in a purely physical one.

And btw I didn't do it on purpose as any sort of ploy. I didn't want to kiss him further. It just so happened that he commented on it at a later date.

strobe

ViveLaVie wrote: »

No, but I do think it added to the anticipation and it was nice to take things slowly and build up an emotional connection before engaging in a purely physical one.

A long passionate kiss or two at the end of the date with your boyfriend that night would have meant there could be no emotional connection between you two and you could only have had a purely physical one?

Tasden

ViveLaVie wrote: »

Sorry but having self control is not playing games. I don't see any reason to get hot and heavy on a first date besides the obvious, which is no self control. Having self control and restraint is not playing a game.

.

Being physical is a fun and natural thing to do between two consenting adults that have chemistry and find each other attractive. Whether its sex or kissing or even just holding hands. It has nothing to do with "self control". If someone wants to wait then that's their prerogative but I don't think you should wait as a rule op.

We can all give anecdotes about how we did x y and z and it all worked out but at the end of the day if a guy likes you or wants to be with you he will still feel the same after kissing you. If he didn't feel that way in the first place then a kiss may not change that either.

ViveLaVie

strobe wrote: »

A long passionate kiss or two at the end of the date with your boyfriend that night would have meant there could be no emotional connection between you two and you could only have had a purely physical one?

No but it could have taken the focus off of the emotional connection. You go home thinking, oh I really enjoyed kissing him which CAN distract you from evaluating the emotional connection. How do you even know how much you like someone after only one date? You're only seeing what they want you to see. I prefer to get to know people and form an emotional bond with them before I do anything very physical. That is my prerogative btw as is giving advice as I see it to the op without being attacked.

ViveLaVie

Tasden wrote: »

Being physical is a fun and natural thing to do between two consenting adults that have chemistry and find each other attractive. Whether its sex or kissing or even just holding hands. It has nothing to do with "self control". If someone wants to wait then that's their prerogative but I don't think you should wait as a rule op.

We can all give anecdotes about how we did x y and z and it all worked out but at the end of the day if a guy likes you or wants to be with you he will still feel the same after kissing you. If he didn't feel that way in the first place then a kiss may not change that either.

Sure, I see your point. I also think I'm entitled to give my point of view. I like to wait, I think it's a good idea for a number of reasons and I think the op should try it out.

strobe

ViveLaVie wrote: »

No but it could have taken the focus off of the emotional connection. You go home thinking, oh I really enjoyed kissing him which CAN distract you from evaluating the emotional connection. How do you even know how much you like someone after only one date? You're only seeing what they want you to see. I prefer to get to know people and form an emotional bond with them before I do anything very physical. That is my prerogative btw as is giving advice as I see it to the op without being attacked.

I'm not attacking you, I just think you're giving bad advice (maybe 'not very useful' rather than 'bad'). And if you like to wait 2 dates or 12 or 6 months or until you're married or until you know the guy x well, to do x or y or z physically then that's absolutely your prerogative of course, and I'm genuinely happy it worked out for you (although unconvinced {as you seem to be too} that it had any bearing really tbh). You should do what you feel most comfortable with. As should the OP if she feels like having a kiss or whatever else.

But I will say that as a man, that has spent my life having other men talk to me in quite an unguarded and open and honest fashion regarding the women they date, nothing I have ever heard, seen or experienced would lead me to believe that a guy (apart from the odd header with issues) that likes a girl by the end of the date and is interested in pursuing her is going to change his mind because he got more than a brief kiss. Or, that a guy that didn't like a girl and wasn't interested in pursuing things with her, is going to change his mind because all he got was a brief kiss... (apart, perhaps, from the guys I've known for whom 'the chase' is what they are interested in and the particular woman involved is pretty much incidental).

Tasden

ViveLaVie wrote: »

Sure, I see your point. I also think I'm entitled to give my point of view. I like to wait, I think it's a good idea for a number of reasons and I think the op should try it out.

I wasn't saying your opinion isn't valid, apologies if you felt that way, I just don't agree with it that's all.

But if you're saying op should "try it" does that not suggest a degree of game playing, seeing as it obviously isn't something she naturally does? Like you naturally feel comfortable waiting and so that's genuine but op obviously felt like being physical and so that's why she kissed him, so if next time she holds back despite wanting to kiss him is it not just game playing?

I'm of the opinion that if it feels right and you both want to then as long as you're safe and consenting then there are no "rules" as to when you should do whatever

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses.

He texted me this evening, just asking how work has been (&saying he liked my new profile pic!). Now im a bit confused. I had deleted his number and made my mind up in my head that he just wasn't that bothered, based on the change in texting style of the last few days & then the 'call over for a beer' thing. Didn't expect to hear from him again.

Now Im thinking maybe I've just been over-thinking it all. he knew I would have a crazy work schedule for the rest of the week and I know he's not a big crazy texter, but it just felt different. I haven't replied yet as had to rush into the office, will leave it til the morning.

It's that awkward stage where I don't want to fall into some hook-up situation with him, but after ONE date it's kind of bunny boiler territory to ask him what his intentions are!!! Maybe I should just think about this less and see what if anything comes of it.

The whole kissing thing - there was nothing 'hot and heavy' about it. It was quite innocent and very sweet actually. I didn't even plan on kissing him til he was standing in front of me & we were awkwardly saying goodbye, we hugged and then it just happened. I ended up walking him halfway home then to the closest subway station and we held hands and there was more kissing. I dunno, I just think it's a good way of establishing whether there's any physical chemistry there, you can tell a lot by a kiss, you know? Based on that I was sure there was. But who knows!

Merkin

firstdateguyadvice wrote: »

It's that awkward stage where I don't want to fall into some hook-up situation with him, but after ONE date it's kind of bunny boiler territory to ask him what his intentions are!!! Maybe I should just think about this less and see what if anything comes of it.

OK, I'm going to choose my words carefully here but you sound REALLY intense. Do you think that maybe other dates haven't worked out because of this? A date is an opportunity for BOTH people to see how they get on, suss the other out and establish if there's chemistry. This can happen within one date for some people and other people can be slow burners and it may take a few dates. Every date should be approached with a casual "wait and see" attitude and the desire to have a bit of fun.

One short date with a virtual stranger should not result in such agonizing and hand wringing and angst - where the hell is the fun in that?! And your comment about this being at an awkward stage of it teetering on the edge of being a hook-up situation.....what on earth is that all about? Why would that be the case? He asked you around for a beer, if he is interested in just a hook up, you saw it off at the pass. Do you feel you ought to sleep with him?

You sound really anxious to be in a relationship with this person and that is going to come across and has probably come across on previous dates as well. Why not relax? A date is also an opportunity for YOU to suss out the other person where right now you are approaching this as "I hope he likes me, I hope he likes me, I hope he likes me" without probably really thinking about whether you even like him in the first instance! RELAX. Maybe think about dating a few people at once so you wont' be so fixated on one person after such a short time.

Colonel_McCoy

Text him\ring him...........arrange next date.......If he says no, move on..........if he says yes, cut contact until the date.