People don't seem to get where I'm coming from

RoisinDove

Does anyone else have this problem? I have it every now and again, often enough for me to think it must be me who has the issue. I find people judge me quite unfairly and take a disliking to me because they misunderstand the intention behind what I'm saying.

Some recent examples...

I'm doing an evening course which will eventually lead to a qualification. I have a long-term illness which does not impede me from living my life, but makes me very, very tired. I have asked for no special consideration due to this and don't feel that I need it. We all have presentation slots, which we are assessed on, and there's one 'spare' slot on a Thursday night in case someone is sick on their scheduled night. This has always been great comfort to me, as it takes some of the pressure off and I know that if I do feel very bad, that there's always a second chance, although I've never needed it.

One member of my group didn't turn up and hadn't called anyone to say she was sick. People were ringing her and she wasn't answering the phone. Our tutor asked where she was and if she was sick. Another girl said she thought she might be sick and I said 'she didn't look too bad yesterday', meaning that it was unlikely that she was seriously ill and so we probably didn't need to send an ambulance round or worry that something really bad had happened. The tutor took this to mean that I didn't believe she was sick and snapped at me. So... the group consultation with her happened, everything was reasonably fine, then at the end of it, I said I have been feeling very tired and achey recently and was a bit worried about the spare slot having gone. I asked if worst came to worst if I'd be able to present on Friday instead and she snapped 'well, EVERYONE can't postpone their presentation'. I thought this was really quite nasty given that they were informed about my illness and all I wanted was some reassurance that the possibility was there rather than have to stress out about getting sick. I feel like she just didn't understand where I was coming from at all.

Another thing is that I get accused of being 'stressy' and demanding a lot when I really just need information for a reason. My workplace is having an inspection later in the year and we all have to be there for it, no annual leave allowed. We only have a rough idea of when it will be and were told to wait for the actual date. It's been weeks and nothing has been said. I'm waiting to book flights to visit a friend in Colombia and the prices are starting to go up. I asked my line manager last week if she had the inspection date yet and she said no, but she'd get on to them and try to find out. A week passed and the flights went up again. I asked her yesterday if she'd had any news on the inspection date and she snapped my head off and said she hadn't had a chance. Now, I totally understand her point of view - she's got lots on her plate and she thinks I'm nagging at her and stressing her out for no reason. But she can't see mine - if the flights go up any more, I'm going to lose my chance to go on holiday. If I don't ask her, she won't bother to find out because it's not a priority for her like it is for me. I know she's busy, but we all have lives and obligations and holidays and appointments to sort out - it feels disrespectful to keep us hanging on because she feels too busy to send an e-mail.

Does anyone else have this issue?

K_P

Hi OP,

It's hard to give much feedback based on only two examples, although I realise this is a feeling you have that's built up probably as a result of lots of little incidents like the two you outlined.

RoisinDove wrote: »

I find people judge me quite unfairly and take a disliking to me because they misunderstand the intention behind what I'm saying.

From the examples you've given, I don't really see any evidence of people disliking you as such, more just people who snapped at you and you've taken it too much to heart.

To be honest, saying in class about how the other girl didn't look too bad yesterday to my mind would come across as you casting aspersions on her absence. You say you meant nothing bad by it and that's fair enough. But honestly, why would you feel the need to point out that you shouldn't send round an ambulance. Under what circumstances would you have called an ambulance for someone who's absent from an evening class? It does come across a little badly, to me at least. Is it possible that you saw the spare slot somehow as yours if you needed it and you were p*ssed off someone else would now be taking it?

With the work situation, your manager snapped at you which is not pleasant but it happens. I can see your dilemma regarding the flights and it's a very annoying situation to be in, but your holiday plans are really not your manager's problem.

I really do think that you're over-thinking these and you're maybe being a bit over-sensitive to anyone being a bit short or snappy with you. I don't actually think the examples you outlined show people misunderstanding your meaning either. You're worried about flights to Colombia going up in price, your manager couldn't care less about that. This doesn't mean that your manager misunderstood your reason for asking, just you caught a busy person at a bad time and you feel stung by the encounter. Try and worry less about what people are thinking of you. You can be guaranteed that your tutor and your manager have given these incidents not a minute of thought after they happened and I'm pretty sure they haven't taken a dislike to you either.

Merkin

RoisinDove wrote: »

One member of my group didn't turn up and hadn't called anyone to say she was sick. People were ringing her and she wasn't answering the phone. Our tutor asked where she was and if she was sick. Another girl said she thought she might be sick and I said 'she didn't look too bad yesterday', meaning that it was unlikely that she was seriously ill and so we probably didn't need to send an ambulance round or worry that something really bad had happened.

I'm sorry, but this irritated me and I don't even know you! Regardless of what your intentions were, this would be very clearly be misconstrued as you casting aspersions on how genuine the girl is and that she is probably just pulling a sickie. Not cool.

Haven't you started a few threads now in PI about similar issues/people taking you up wrong?

Ande1975

OP,

There are different types of people in the world. There are those who worry about the things that other people wouldn't bat an eyelid to.

Now obviously with the examples you have given, we are only getting one side of the story but when I read your remark about the group member not looking too sick the day before jumped out at me as a snide remark. I'm sure the rest of your group thought the same. Your intention may have been innocent but your comment was not.

As for the matter of the inspection day, did you frame your question? For example asking for the date continuously could rub anyone up the wrong way. However, asking for the date because you are hoping to book a trip away and you don't want to miss the inspection but flights are getting expensive?

Do you see what I mean? Poor or incomplete communication can lead us into trouble. Sometimes I am lacking that filter and say something I instantly regret so overtime I've learned to think things through before I open my mouth.

Tokyo

I have a long-term illness which does not impede me from living my life, but makes me very, very tired. I have asked for no special consideration due to this and don't feel that I need it.

But OP, and I mean this with all due respect, you are asking for a certain amount of consideration.

There's one 'spare' slot on a Thursday night in case someone is sick on their scheduled night. This has always been great comfort to me, as it takes some of the pressure off and I know that if I do feel very bad, that there's always a second chance, although I've never needed it.

You seem to have allocated this spare slot to yourself in your head to cover you should you feel very bad (understandably so), and as such have very little tolerance for the idea that somebody else might decide to use it. I agree that the other member of your group should have called in to say that they were ill if that was the case, but you have no idea whether that person was ill or not, or feeling drained by the course and needed a day to recuperate. One person said that she thought she might be sick and you responded with 'she didn't look too bad yesterday' - I read that as a somewhat bitchy response too if I'm to be honest, and while the tutor shouldn't have snapped at you, I can see why it might have irked them. Like it or not, that spare timeslot isn't there solely as your safety net - it's there for all to use.

I said I have been feeling very tired and achey recently and was a bit worried about the spare slot having gone. I asked if worst came to worst if I'd be able to present on Friday instead and she snapped 'well, EVERYONE can't postpone their presentation'. I thought this was really quite nasty given that they were informed about my illness and all I wanted was some reassurance that the possibility was there rather than have to stress out about getting sick.

Again, you are asking for a certain amount of consideration when it comes to your illness. I'm not saying that you aren't entitled to it, but you can't sit on both sides of the fence with it - on one hand saying that you haven't asked for and don't need special consideration, and on the other hand expecting your tutor to understand that you have an illness and accommodate it where you feel it's necessary. If your illness is proving to be an issue then you need to be honest about that, both with yourself and your tutor, and discuss it privately. You stating from day one that it's not a problem may have put your tutor in the position of not seeing it to be as serious as it is, and it's your responsibility to inform the tutor of that.

My workplace is having an inspection later in the year and we all have to be there for it, no annual leave allowed....I asked her yesterday if she'd had any news on the inspection date and she snapped my head off and said she hadn't had a chance.

It's an unfortunate situation to be in, but at the end of the day your holiday plans are not your workplace's problem. It seems from what you write that workplace inspections are par for the course in your field, and as such employees are expected to work around them. I would imagine that everybody else, including your line manager, is in the same boat. And it's quite possible that an actual date for this inspection hasn't been announced yet.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

The Personal Issues forum is an excellent resource for any member of boards.ie to come and talk out their personal problems, and hopefully pull something from other posters experiences or advice given. Having said that, when a member fails to take any advice offered, and instead uses the forum as a crutch rather than taking responsibility for the issues in their life and taking steps to deal with those issues, then there comes a time where we as moderators have to pull the pin on this, and request that you seek professional advice. You may think that this is harsh, but this is for the benefit of the OP, as continuous posts on the same issue over a long period of time are a strong indicator that we posters are not in a position to help you, and that a professional opinion is needed.

So what does that mean for you?

Thus far you have posted similar variations of the same issue under three usernames and once anonymously, and twice now we have requested that you not post here again, as your issues seem to be outside the remit of Personal Issues. If you have confidence issues, you need to address them in the real world. If you have issues with colleagues in your workplace, you need to address them in the real world. If your medical issues are carrying across into your workplace, you need to seek medical advice. Either way, nobody here can make these decisions for you - you need to be proactive about seeking help, and the fact that you have posted here so prolifically is testament to this.

I'm aware that you have just been asked by admin to choose one user account and stick to it. Therefore needless to say, if you post under another username here again, you face the prospect of a siteban. So regardless of which username you choose to stick with, please consider this your third, and final request not to post in the Personal Issues forum again or we will be taking action. Posting anonymously will be considered circumventing this ban and will be actioned.

Please note that this is not a decision we have taken lightly. Moderators have deliberated over your many posts under many usernames at length, and all feel that the best course of action for you to seek out real life help, rather than to continue posting here.

Regards,
Mike