Never knew I could hurt this much

LostLove

I'm in pain. My partner and I broke up at the end of January after 10 years together. I didn't want to split up and I'm still hurting so much it physically aches.
A few years ago we emigrated with each to the west coast of USA. It was ok for the first while. But the last year or so things started to go downhill. We've been working different shifts since moving here - me daytime, him evening/nights - and didn't see each other much. When living in Ireland we lived and worked together so saw each other all the time. It worked for us though.
The more time we spent apart from work the less of an effort we made. So the decision was made to end things in January. There was no big argument or anyone to blame. I tried to get him to stay and work things out but he said he needed the space. There was issues between us, I'm not blind to them, but in my mind it was nothing that we couldn't work out with some effort. I understand his need for space and I'm hoping that he figures everything out.

But since we've broken up I've become so confused and I'm crying daily. We text each other a bit and meet up every week to have dinner, watch movies etc together. We have so much fun and there's a bit of flirting going on. Last week we were watching a movie and ended up having sex together. It was amazing. Then the same thing happened last night.

However, this has made me feel so angry at myself because I feel I don't have any self respect. I don't think he's using me or trying to hurt me but I'm so confused. We clearly have a good time together, the sex is great between us and we've spent so much time of our lives together already. I want nothing more than to be back with him and he knows this, but he doesn't know what he wants. He's said he doesn't want to lead me on and doesn't know if we'll get back together or not.

The main issues with us, is that we don't know a lot of people over here. It's hard to make good friends that have the same schedule. I have less friends as most of the people we knew were through him playing football. So neither of us wants to lose a good friend in each other since we're so far from home and we do enjoy each others company. I tried to stop all contact with him and he respected it but I can't stand living here on my own.
I've reached the point where I want to move home so much because I need my friends and family around me right now. But they're all advising me to stay because I can apply for citizenship next year. They don't want me making a decision I'll regret in a few years. I know it makes sense to stay and see through the next year so I'll always have a choice for the future, but it's hurting me so much to be here.
I'm trying to keep myself occupied and got a second job and I go running a few times a week. I meet up with the only two friends I have here and have fun with them. But at the end of the day, I come home alone and cry for hours because I'm miserable. I can't move on from this guy and it's breaking my heart.
I wish I could just know if it was definitely over or not. I need that closure so I can figure out my next step. If he doesn't want to be with me then I can respect that decision and close my head and heart to him and work on my life without him. But right now I'm hoping everyday he'll see that he does want to be with me. So I'm not allowing myself to truly believe we're done and I'm going round in circles in my head.
My whole future has been turned upside down. I thought we'd be trying for our first child in a couple of years and deciding where to settle. He wants kids, more than me, and I just figured it was our next move.
Now, I'm 29 and have no foreseeable future of having kids. I don't trust or love people easily so I'm scared that by the time I give myself space, I'm ready for dating, meet someone and spend long enough with them to know it's forever, that I'll be too old to have kids.

I'm just such a mess. I know I should cut all contact but that honestly leaves me so alone and I'd rather be friends with him than nothing at all because we were together so long.

Sometimes I cry so much it's hard to breathe and I've an ache in my chest. I really want to move home but worry it's because I'm so emotional right now.

Is it likely he still wants to be with me and just needs this time?

I'm sorry my post is all over the place, but that's pretty much where I'm at right now.

Merkin

LostLove wrote: »

I know I should cut all contact but that honestly leaves me so alone and I'd rather be friends with him than nothing at all because we were together so long.

You know what the answer is m'dear. And the above statement isn't necessarily true because you're not behaving as friends, friends don't have sex with one another.

I really believe that you're going to have to be cruel to be kind here. Why would there be any chance of a reconciliation when a. he has the pleasure of your society and b. he can have sex without any commitment?

You need to make a clean break because if you don't you are just going to protract the break up and end up really messing with your own head and heart. Call him and ask him to meet with you and put some distance between you. Let him miss you and you in the meantime need to start forging a new life for yourself. He may or may not decides he wants to get back together (and I would hazard a guess not if he split up with you after ten years) so for that reason you can't continue to hang on in this no-man's land waiting for him to change his mind.

Break ups are hard and I sympathise with how you are feeling but the long road to recovery has to start with that first small step and only YOU can take that. Time to sever ties with him.

heretochat

LostLove wrote: »

but he doesn't know what he wants. He's said he doesn't want to lead me on and doesn't know if we'll get back together or not.

Sorry to be so blunt but it comes across to me that he knows exactly what he wants and he is not thinking twice about leading you on.

I think you do need to have some more self respect and cut contact with him.

You are giving him sex on tap with no commitment and until that stops you will never be able to move on.

10 years is a long time and I can appreciate that you are hurting but keeing him in your life is not going to improve things.

Tasden

Op I feel so sad.for you reading your post.

Its basically like reading my own thoughts a few years ago. Long term relationship ended by him, him saying he was "unsure" yet willing to hang out with me and flirt and play with my emotions and therefore not allowing me to move on either, me clinging to hope waiting for him to change his mind.

All it does is delay the inevitable and make it more difficult, especially if you're sleeping together. Right now you're hurting and you're basically pandering to him in the hope he'll see how stupid he's been and realise how great ye are together and he'll ask you back.

When in reality he is getting all the fun aspects of a relationship (companionship, flirting, sex) while not having to commit to you. He's not missing you or regretting leaving you because you're still around. You're still his.

He ended the relationship, this shows how he feels and what he wants, the whole "not sure if we'll get back together" is him basically making sure you don't move on, he knows you'll wait for him to make up his mind when in reality he already has. If he has ended a ten year relationship then he has thought about this for a while, he has gotten his head around it and has decided what he wants. You haven't. You're still coming to terms with it but he's not letting you do that by sleeping with you and offering you hope. You need to accept that its over and you can only do that by cutting contact for a while.

If he decided he wants you back in that time then he will let you know. He is never going to reach that conclusion by being around you because he still has you.

Try keep busy and spend time with people. I'd agree with your family about staying there. Look after yourself. I know its hard but it will get easier. Right now life seems scary without him but eventually this new start will be exciting.

Starokan

You will never move on and the hurt cant end until you put some space between you both, make the hard decision and cut all ties

GreeBo

heretochat wrote: »

Sorry to be so blunt but it comes across to me that he knows exactly what he wants and he is not thinking twice about leading you on.

I think you do need to have some more self respect and cut contact with him.

You are giving him sex on tap with no commitment and until that stops you will never be able to move on.

10 years is a long time and I can appreciate that you are hurting but keeing him in your life is not going to improve things.

Merkin wrote: »

You know what the answer is m'dear. And the above statement isn't necessarily true because you're not behaving as friends, friends don't have sex with one another.

I really believe that you're going to have to be cruel to be kind here. Why would there be any chance of a reconciliation when a. he has the pleasure of your society and b. he can have sex without any commitment?

Sorry but the OP is having non commital sex with him just as much as he is with her. I think its grossly unfair to decide that he is just enjoying himself at the OP's expense.

OP you need to talk and decide finally if you are going to retry the relationship.
If the answer is no then you need to cut all contact.

Merkin

GreeBo wrote: »

Sorry but the OP is having non commital sex with him just as much as he is with her. I think its grossly unfair to decide that he is just enjoying himself at the OP's expense.

GreeBo why do you insist on picking apart every single one of my posts while insinuating that I have some kind of misandrist agenda? You've now asserted this on numerous occasions without reason and frankly I'm getting angry with it, it's grossly unfair and for that reason I'm reporting you. Where have I said that he is enjoying himself at the OPs expense? I have stated a fact that he is having sex with her without commitment. She is totally complicit in this because of her eagerness to please and I've said quite clearly that friends don't have sex. I don't know what kind of hang ups you have to assume that everyone is some bra-burning, man-hating feminist but get over yourself.

Tokyo

GreeBo, Merkin, you both know the score by now - I'm sure I don't need to post links to the charter, etc. All constructive opinions are welcome, including conflicting ones. Direct your posts towards the OP, not each other.

Regards,
Mike

dixiefly

It is a long time since I have been involved in the dating scene.

But, paradoxicallly, I think that you have a better chance of getting back with him in the longer term if you are firm and insist that, given the breakup, it needs to be a fully clean breakup with no meetings like has been happening.

In other words, take the lead and stop the meetings.

Sleepless and Manic

I'm so sorry OP. It is one of the most traumatic things in life and its so personal people kind of expect you to shrug it off. But it hurts like hell and it takes a long time to get over.

But from what you've written it doesnt really sound like the relationship has ended at all. Its just changed. And not by your choice so no wonder you're confused, you cant get over something that isnt really over, and the current situation isnt working for you at all. You're stuck someplace where your relationship is in a permanent state of confusion. Sorry if thats sounds harsh, but from what you write you sound strong and it sounds like you know what to do really, its just really difficult.

Personally i'd say it takes six to eight months. For me. But there's no rules really and ten years is a long time. And it feels lonely as all hell, its a huge change in ones life. But it does get better, it really does, but it takes time and the worst part is that any contact with him just prolongs it and makes it harder. And you know this deep down, you're just hurting really bad. And I'm so sorry.

kjl

Even with closure it still is very painful, especially after 10 years together. I think you do need distance from him. Even though you may be on your own you need to stay strong.

stickybookmark

OP, I've seen friends in your position several times and never ever did the guy do a sudden U-turn and decide that he did in fact want to go back to the full relationship.

I'm going to be harsh here but even though part of him loves you I'm sure, and even though there is a huge attachment and still some chemistry there, there is something about you or about your relationship that just doesn't do it for him. He likes you, he loves you even - but not enough to want to spend the rest of his life with you. That is very, very sad OP. I have been there and I'm sure most people have.

The situation that you currently have will continue until he meets someone that does tick all his boxes. That's all he is doing, biding his time until the right one comes along and when she does your friendship will have to be dropped sharpish (there's no way his new gf is going to put up with him having a close friendship with his ex).

So do you want to hang around waiting for that to happen or do you want to be proactive and get yourself out of this situation now. Even if you're crippled with lonliness for a while after you end the 'friendship' it'll still be better than the pain of having him end the 'friendship' which he inevitably will.

Jaycro

OP, I agree with the others, as hard as it is, you need to walk away and cut ties. There really is not a lot worse than a broken heart and it will hurt like hell for quite a while, but that healing can only start when he's not around. As has been said, the odds on him changing his mind and things turning out happy ever after are very slim. If I was in your situation, I would meet him and tell him that the current situation is hurting you and you need him to stop contacting you. I was in the same situation as you a couple of years ago and it took me nearly a year to get to the point of no contact. Only when I finally admitted to myself was it over that I could start moving on. Looking back I was fooling myself and wasted a year of my life meeting up, going for coffee etc. Don't sweat the age thing, you're still very young and have all the time in the world to meet someone else and have kids. You come across as really nice so be strong, value yourself and best of luck. You will come through this, that is certain.

LostLove

I just wanted to say thank you for all the replies. I cried so much reading them and even though I knew you were right, it was hard to take in.
I've gone over everything in my head and decided to just cut all contact. I knew it was for the best in the long run.
Went over to him a couple of days ago and said what I needed to say.
It turns out he's realised the past week or so that he's better with me. We both want the same things and he wants to give our relationship another try and make it better.
We still have a lot to talk about and I'm still scared of giving in but it was his choice to try again.

I hope we learned fron our mistakes and that we give this everything. I believe we have and can only trust him to give everything.

Thank you again and I hope I'm not back on here in the future asking for the same advice. I know it doesn't always work out again but we've spent so much of our lives together and want to build the future together.

Sealow

heretochat wrote: »

Sorry to be so blunt but it comes across to me that he knows exactly what he wants and he is not thinking twice about leading you on.

I think you do need to have some more self respect and cut contact with him.

You are giving him sex on tap with no commitment and until that stops you will never be able to move on.

10 years is a long time and I can appreciate that you are hurting but keeing him in your life is not going to improve things.

She's getting sex on tap too, sex is mutually pleasurable.

Taltos

Sealow - welcome to PI/RI. Please note this is not a discussion forum.
Per our charter if you don't have constructive advice please don't post, all such posts are considered off topic and may result in warning/infractions.

Thanks
Taltos

Merkin

LostLove wrote: »

I just wanted to say thank you for all the replies. I cried so much reading them and even though I knew you were right, it was hard to take in.
I've gone over everything in my head and decided to just cut all contact. I knew it was for the best in the long run.
Went over to him a couple of days ago and said what I needed to say.
It turns out he's realised the past week or so that he's better with me. We both want the same things and he wants to give our relationship another try and make it better.
We still have a lot to talk about and I'm still scared of giving in but it was his choice to try again.

I hope we learned fron our mistakes and that we give this everything. I believe we have and can only trust him to give everything.

Thank you again and I hope I'm not back on here in the future asking for the same advice. I know it doesn't always work out again but we've spent so much of our lives together and want to build the future together.

Thanks for the update LostLove. I really would urge the two of you to go for couples counselling. You say you want to learn from your mistakes and I think some expert guidance in this regard would really help. It sounds like you both want to make it work and for that reason its important to iron out those issues that precipitated a break up in the first place. I really think it could help you both move forward and really make a go of the relationship if that's what you both want. Wishing you both the very best of luck

stickybookmark

LostLove wrote: »

I've gone over everything in my head and decided to just cut all contact. I knew it was for the best in the long run.
Went over to him a couple of days ago and said what I needed to say.
It turns out he's realised the past week or so that he's better with me. We both want the same things and he wants to give our relationship another try and make it better.

This is fantastic news. Well done for forcing him to sh!t or get off the pot. (I HATE that expression by the way but hard to find a more apt one..)
Wish you the best of luck in Round 2. Don't ever let yourself slip back into this kind of situation again OP, you deserve to be somebody's no.1 so insist on all or nothing!
Good luck