What to do

LegacyUser

Really stuck on this one!
Married for 13 years, three children, two teenagers, 1 only 5 yeards old. fell out of love about four years ago, we had loads of arguments, travel seperately, etc. but stayed together for the children. Went back to college and met this great guy and have been seeing him since, but haven't told husband or kids. Husband still trying to make marriage work, children know something is wrong (seperate bedrooms etc), but dont know how to make the next step and offically end marriage after 13 years. Husband is great guy, I think we just fell out of love with each other.
Have known new guy for over 6 years, totally player but great friend, have finished with him twice but we always get back together. Now he wants more, but not sure how fair what i am doing is on anyone. I guess what i am asking is, is it an affair or something more? i know how i feel for the new guy, but after 3 years, i cant seem to take the leap.

Tokyo

It's an affair.


It doesn't matter whether you have fallen out of love with your husband or not. It doesn't matter if this new guy is a player, or is the most awesome guy on earth. As long as you are still acting as man and wife with your husband, no matter what you have with this new guy, it's always going to be an affair.

The only fair thing to do in this case is:

1. Leave your husband
2. Then explore your options

Right now you are using your husband as a safety net because he is, as you put it, "a great guy" and even though you don't love him, it's easier to stay with him for now. And that's not fair on him, or your children.

People fall out of love - it happens, and you won't be the first or last to find themselves in this position. But it's *how* you deal with it that's important. For now the last thing on your mind should be this other guy - it should be your family and how you are going to move forward. He needs to go on the back burner for now - you need to sit down with your husband and explain to him that your marriage is over, that trying to make it work isn't enough anymore, and then make arrangements for you, him and your children as to what is going to happen next.

Only when that is all done should you be considering whether there is something more with the new guy. If he's genuine, he'll wait for you. If he's a player, then you'll know pretty quickly.

Merkin

You're still married, your husband is none the wiser and is trying to make the marriage work so this can only be defined as having an affair/cheating.

I'd advise you to get off the rather comfortable fence you've decided to sit on and either give it a go with your husband with the help of marriage counselling or leave the marriage once and for all and then you're free to pursue what ever relationships you choose without lying to anyone.

heretochat

Agree with Merkin on this one. The answer is simple. While you are living with your husband (no matter what the sleeping arrangements) you are cheating on him with this guy.

Do the decent thing and if you want to keep seeing this "player" you owe your husband the decency of telling him and ending the marriage.

As a previous poster said all you are doing is keeping him on a string as a "safety net". That is not fair.

Emme

As long as you are living with your husband and seeing other people you are cheating. Especially if your husband wants to give the marriage another go.

You have two choices:

1) Dump the college guy and try to make a go of it with your husband

2) Leave your husband and have a relationship with the college guy

Bear in mind that the college guy might be happy to see you now because you are married and there is no pressure for anything more on his side. Does he really want more commitment from you or is he just saying that with the assumption that you won't leave your husband?

osarusan

You have known the new guy for 6 years, and already finished with him twice.

You say you fell out of love with your husband about 4 years ago...had you already begun the affair?

You need to come clean to your husband. End the marriage if you want to. He may want to anyway at that point. Or you may both decide to continue to make it work. After that relationship has been detoxified one way or the other, you can look at the other one.

Your husband has been trying to make the marriage work, and you've been seeing somebody else behind his back for how many years? Because you 'don't know how to take the next step and officially end' the marriage? To be honest, I think you've been having your cake and eating it too for quite a while.

Flippyfloppy

osarusan wrote: »

Because you 'don't know how to take the next step and officially end' the marriage? To be honest, I think you've been having your cake and eating it too for quite a while.

Come on pet, you obviously know how to end the marriage