Break up advice

jigglypuffstuff

Hi guys need some outsiders opinions here

Broke up with my GF today, we were together 10 months and fell in love.

Reason we broke up is she wants to return home to Poland as she is depressed here with no family or friends (except me) . She said it wont be today or tomorrow but in a few months ans that no matter what shes going, I then made the decision to end it today as I dont want it to go on any longer and make it harder

It just seems so odd breaking up with someone and the last 5 mins before I left it were spent in tears, hugging and kissing and telling each other we love each other. She also told me im her best friend and I can see shes as crushed as I am over it. She wants to remain friends although im not sure i can as i may always want more. The worst thing is that we still feel the very same about each other

Yesterday we spoke about moving in together and kids down the line and today its this. I know for sure she wont stay here and this is what she wants. Im all for it if it makes her happy as id rather her happy there than miserable here..i believe if you really love someone you wont hold them

Im finding it hard to imagine life without her....can anyone shed some advice here?? or some words or anything..i feel totally shocked

Can people just shed some light on this, im devastated

CaraMay

Can you move to Poland?

jigglypuffstuff

CaraMay wrote: »

Can you move to Poland?

According to her its not really an option..she said we could try that but she doesnt think i would be able for the lifestyle there..i was also planning postgraduate study and have outstanding loans to pay off so its not really an option for the moment

CaraMay

Ok

jigglypuffstuff

Anyone???

kjl

If you are so devastated then why did you break up with her?

I think you should stay together for the remaining few months since she has no hard plans to return. I dated a Polish girl for ages and every week she told me how upset she was and how she missed her family but they she started to socialise outside of me and make new friends and she never went home. Today she is still living in Ireland.

Perhaps you need to help her find a social group, encourage her to hang out with work friends and meet people without you being there.

How long has she been in Ireland out of curiosity?

Now I have to ask, did you really break up with her, or is this something that has been forced on you? Sometimes when I break up with people I try to make it seem like it was their idea by priming them with ideas that it can not work. Think long and hard, I know from multiple experiences that Polish girls can be quite manipulative in that regard.

jigglypuffstuff

kjl wrote: »

If you are so devastated then why did you break up with her?

I think you should stay together for the remaining few months since she has no hard plans to return. I dated a Polish girl for ages and every week she told me how upset she was and how she missed her family but they she started to socialise outside of me and make new friends and she never went home. Today she is still living in Ireland.

Perhaps you need to help her find a social group, encourage her to hang out with work friends and meet people without you being there.

How long has she been in Ireland out of curiosity?

Now I have to ask, did you really break up with her, or is this something that has been forced on you? Sometimes when I break up with people I try to make it seem like it was their idea by priming them with ideas that it can not work. Think long and hard, I know from multiple experiences that Polish girls can be quite manipulative in that regard.

Well no I chose to end it. Basically she said she wasn't gonna decide when or if it ends..all she knows is she is going home and thats whether or not I go with her. I cant change her mind and I dont want her to be here if she is not happy in this country.

The hard part is accepting that this is why its ending. Ive only ever ended one other relationship and it wasnt pretty and long time coming

To be quite honest ive tried numerous times to get her out etc but she wont go. She doesnt want to get out and meet people. She doesnt work she has a child, no support from the father. She just does not want to be here and I can understand that,

I just came seeking advice how to cope as its a strange situation for me. Ive never ended a relationship this way and im very confused, hurt and just crushed to be honest. Ive my final year exams looming in a month too so I really could have done without this

jigglypuffstuff

maroon wrote: »

Just Polish girls?? Or women in general?

To the OP. Maybe narrow the reasons why is she so unhappy here,perhaps job is unfulfilling? Or language barrier? Those could possibly be dealt with

Reasons

She has no family here (her mom and sis came temporarily but shes been supporting herself, her child and them on less that 280e per week)
she has no friends here
The weather depresses her
She has no job or qualifications
She cant get a job as where we live there is no work and infrastructure is awful
Her English is perfect thats not a problem
She misses her hometown and wants to go back there

I cant blame her for wanting to leave, its easy for me as I have everyone and everything I need here...All she has here is me and nothing else to be honest. And I am away alot as I study 100km away from where I live.

kjl

Well eastern european girls, you have to remember they didn't grow up in our culture and finding a man to keep them is common. Manipulation is a very strong skill of most of these women have. I know this is very generalising like saying all Irish people are drunks but at the same time a lot of Irish people drink to excess so generalisations can be true.

OP is she doesn't have a job and no source of income how does she remain in Ireland? Especially with a child to support, I can see why she wants to go home but there is something odd with the situation. Perhaps I am projecting my feelings here but something doesn't add up.

maroon

There might be very little you can do if she is unwilling or unable to make change herself and seems just made up her mind. I would say just move on OP. Otherwise you are undertaking a challenge to support her and her child financially. You've got your college to graduate and life to begin. Think about the future.

maroon

Hopefully OP won't let her manipulate him into financial help. Not All Eastern European girls are like that. Some of them are happy to live independent life financially and work hard for it. Just in this case seems like she would've stayed if the finances were there.

jigglypuffstuff

maroon wrote: »

There might be very little you can do if she is unwilling or unable to make change herself and seems just made up her mind. I would say just move on OP. Otherwise you are undertaking a challenge to support her and her child financially. You've got your college to graduate and life to begin. Think about the future.

Yes thats what I intend to do, but this is so weird. I had a previous breakup of a girl i was together with 5 years and it was easier than this. thats what I mean i dont know what do even do to try and feel better. I cant stomach food atm and i got 2 hrs sleep last night

jigglypuffstuff

maroon wrote: »

Hopefully OP won't let her manipulate him into financial help. Not All Eastern European girls are like that. Some of them are happy to live independent life financially and work hard for it. Just in this case seems like she would've stayed if the finances were there.

No thats not the case. Shes actually going home to poverty in comparison to here. Its her point that money doesnt equate to happiness. i can say for sure shes the furthest thing from manipulative as she'd feel guilty if i even bought her a coffee

maroon

You were together 10 months,technically you were still in the honeymoon period. It's more difficult possibly because it feels too fresh and way too soon?

December2012

The only way to get over a break up is time OP.

You just have to give it time.

People break up for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes it's in a situation like yours when the couple themselves aren't the problem.

She has a child and she needs her family around her. It must be very bizarre trying to raise your child in a culture you're not familiar with and without a parent to share it.

Anyway, it's her choice. And for what it's worth you made your choice to end it now instead of dragging out the pain.

Ham Sambo

Don't want to sound like a killjoy but did it ever occur to you that your relationship has run it's course? your ex doesn't want to stay in Ireland but she is not exactly dragging you back to Poland either.

osarusan

She has no family here (her mom and sis came temporarily but shes been supporting herself, her child and them on less that 280e per week)
she has no friends here
The weather depresses her
She has no job or qualifications
She cant get a job as where we live there is no work and infrastructure is awful
Her English is perfect thats not a problem
She misses her hometown and wants to go back there

I'm not going to aske where you are living, but it sounds somewhat rural, or small town at most?

Could she not move to wherever you are studying, or somewhere with a bigger/more vibrant Polish community, and just community/social life in general, and which might also have more job opportunities?

jigglypuffstuff

Ham Sambo wrote: »

Don't want to sound like a killjoy but did it ever occur to you that your relationship has run it's course? your ex doesn't want to stay in Ireland but she is not exactly dragging you back to Poland either.

Well why would she drag me to a place where i could probably only earn 100e per week?? Its not viable really


Anyway to follow up i feel somewhat better the last few days, been really focused training more, my mind does wander from time to time but ive decided to abandon the postgrad study for now and go to look at moving to vancouver if i can get a visa. There is work there that pays well for me so my cousin has told me

poundapunnet

pone2012 wrote: »

Well why would she drag me to a place where i could probably only earn 100e per week?? Its not viable really


Anyway to follow up i feel somewhat better the last few days, been really focused training more, my mind does wander from time to time but ive decided to abandon the postgrad study for now and go to look at moving to vancouver if i can get a visa. There is work there that pays well for me so my cousin has told me

One thing I'd say is maybe put any big decision regarding quitting studying or emigrating on the back-burner for a bit, your head's probably not in a good place to be doing that right now.

I can understand her reasons for wanting to go home, and your reasons for wanting to break it off now rather than drag it out until it's harder. That was a rational decision to make in an emotional moment, try to make similar ones about your future. Maybe emigrating IS a good idea, but fast-forward five years and having given up on a post-grad degree and possibly a satisfying career for a well-paying job is likely to be a lot more important and to have had a lot more impact on your life than the end of a ten-month relationship. That's not to downplay how bad you're obviously feeling right not, though.

Apart from that, time will heal, as it's already started to. You'll probably be a bit up and down but if you stick to your decision the hardest part is already done. Focus on other aspects of your life, keep yourself busy and keep the head up, good luck.

jigglypuffstuff

poundapunnet wrote: »

One thing I'd say is maybe put any big decision regarding quitting studying or emigrating on the back-burner for a bit, your head's probably not in a good place to be doing that right now.

I can understand her reasons for wanting to go home, and your reasons for wanting to break it off now rather than drag it out until it's harder. That was a rational decision to make in an emotional moment, try to make similar ones about your future. Maybe emigrating IS a good idea, but fast-forward five years and having given up on a post-grad degree and possibly a satisfying career for a well-paying job is likely to be a lot more important and to have had a lot more impact on your life than the end of a ten-month relationship. That's not to downplay how bad you're obviously feeling right not, though.

Apart from that, time will heal, as it's already started to. You'll probably be a bit up and down but if you stick to your decision the hardest part is already done. Focus on other aspects of your life, keep yourself busy and keep the head up, good luck.

Well i am only 24 and its just a 2 year Holiday Visa, Ive been studying 5 years solid now so maybe a change is for the best? The post grad option will always be here when or If i come back I presume. Ive toyed with the idea for a bit and I think this was the thing that pushed me to go out and try new things. W

Thats great advice though thanks for the kind words

jigglypuffstuff

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