Always the quiet one

LegacyUser

So yeah I guess this is a problem for me. I think anywhere I end up in life, for example starting a new job, people will always label me as quiet. I guess it's because when there is a group of 3 or more people, I am not very comfortable talking. I blush as soon as I open my mouth. Then as soon as I get 1 on 1 with a person, I am perfectly decent at talking to them. I just never engage in small talk at work or contribute to big conversations because I don't feel comfortable doing it. I think too much before I say things so I end up not saying anything.

The reason I see it as a problem is because well, I think people will never recognize me or notice me. for example any time we go for lunch, I am one of the last to be asked, or I dont get asked at all and just go with them anyway. Not sure what advice im asking for here, I guess it just gets to me because I will never be seen as someone who is seen as "chatty" or "talkative" or even "outgoing". Always the quiet one..

Obliq

TheQuietOne wrote: »

So yeah I guess this is a problem for me. I think anywhere I end up in life, for example starting a new job, people will always label me as quiet. I guess it's because when there is a group of 3 or more people, I am not very comfortable talking. I blush as soon as I open my mouth. Then as soon as I get 1 on 1 with a person, I am perfectly decent at talking to them. I just never engage in small talk at work or contribute to big conversations because I don't feel comfortable doing it. I think too much before I say things so I end up not saying anything.

The reason I see it as a problem is because well, I think people will never recognize me or notice me. for example any time we go for lunch, I am one of the last to be asked, or I dont get asked at all and just go with them anyway. Not sure what advice im asking for here, I guess it just gets to me because I will never be seen as someone who is seen as "chatty" or "talkative" or even "outgoing". Always the quiet one..

OP, do you think things through too much before saying anything in order to save your blushes? It's very difficult to take the plunge and just speak up if you're a bit overwhelmed with being the centre of attention. The blushes and feeling uncomfortable with small talk are all symptoms of shyness that can be overcome with practice - it is hard to do, but not impossible by any means!

Tell me, do people actually point the finger and laugh at you when you blush? The reason I'm asking is because I remember the time I realised nobody had died (even me!) if I blushed and tripped over my words a bit. Then it occurred to me that it was actually me pointing the finger at myself and nobody else.

With practice, and I mean opening your mouth and speaking DESPITE your embarrassment, you can definitely gain confidence in being around larger groups of people. As you say, one to one you're fine. The only difference in a larger group is probably you being harder on yourself? You don't have to always be the quiet one. Nobody can shut me up now, and I'm always gabbing on to large groups of people - I may have gone to the other extreme actually You could too, if you wanted to.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I don't have any amazing advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know that I feel exactly the same way! I'm grand having a one to one conversation, or even in a group of people I know well, but in groups of acquaintances at work, I find small talk awkward.

I would try not to worry about it too much - do relax if you can, and make even small contributions to the conversation or at the very least keep smiling!

There's a great book called 'Quiet' by Susan Cain that you should read. It will make you feel a whole lot better about being one of the quiet ones!

lemonhead315

Hi, you should really check out Susan McCain's book "Quiet". It's about introverts and how we should learn to accept and embrace them in society. I am kind of quiet too. It's tough making small talk and painful sometimes. I guess we need to learn to accept it and stop fighting it.

LegacyUser

I'm the same too but want to overcome that. I'm planning on giving toastmasters a go soon which should help. You should look in to it too.

loalae

I would also recommend quiet by Susan Cain - for me it was a revelation.

But seriously - being quiet is not a flaw. You will probably never be the chatty person in the centre of a large group but I bet you have other qualities that will draw the right people for you towards you.

Accept and embrace who you are and don't worry about being overlooked or underestimated - that's the other person's mistake!

Scaldy Ned

You make blushing sound like a bad thing....?
Sorry i'm all over the boards tonight because i've had a few beers and i'm rambling and putting the world to rights.....In saying this you sound to me like a really nice person. When your a quiet person people sometimes think it's because you want to be left alone...if this is not your situation well then i'm afraid you will have to put yourself out there a bit more....Don't be embarrassed by blushing it's an endearing feature and you could maybe use it as an icebreaker by telling your mates that this is why you've been so quiet......It will work.
If life gives you lemons....make lemonade
good luck

BTW ; I worked for years with a girl who's cheeks reddened hugely when you even said good morning to her, she never came on job nights out but one year she did and explained that the blushing thing was why she hadn't previously come out with us .....The only person that had an issue with it was her. Remember how you see yourself is not how other people see you. When she started mixing more the blushing subsided much to our disappointment but her amusement....Last i heard she was chairwoman of the social club in the factory....hope i've made my point

Aseth

I used to be a lot like you when I was younger. When I got 30 I decided I'm too old for that. I'm not the most outgoing and confident person in the world but outgoing and confident enough to get by. What helped me was a realization that most people don't pay so much attention to others, mostly they won't notice you're blushing or shy or that you're short for words but they will notice you don't really talk to or socialize with them and might think you're aloof or boring.

bee06

I was very quiet when I was younger and used to blush when anyone talked to me. As I progressed through my 20's I gradually gained more confident and felt more comfortable talking to people I didn't know very well and the blushing went away for the most part. It still happens the odd time like if I say something wrong or get into an arguements with someone or sometimes just randomly but I don't spend hours thinking about it after like I used to. People still say I'm quiet now the odd time but now it's just because I can't be arsed talking rubbish for the sake of it like some people do rather than being afraid to talk at all.

Gradually start talking to people more and more even if it's outside your comfort zone and things will improve.