He won't be able to commit to a relationship-wasting my time?

LylaElise

Hey guys, need ye're advice on this issue. I'd really appreciate it.

I started dating this guy a few weeks ago and I personally thought it was going really well. I really like him-he's funny, intelligent, attractive and we bounce off each other really well. It felt promising. I've been single for 2 years, mainly by choice, wasn't ready after a break-up, extremely busy. The few dates I went on I felt no "spark' but with this guy there is.

Problem is that he recently told me that he can't offer me a relationship or any commitment down the line as he's going to be very busy with a lot on his plate. Thing is he still wants to meet up and do things including sex...it's like dating but not. To be fair if we really were dating I would want to take it really slow as I also have a lot on my plate(work, college) and need to focus on that.I've also come out of a difficult period in my life, that mentally and emotionally took its toll , and only in last few months I'm feeling like my old self again, so I was reluctant to even date in first place as I worried that if I got hurt it would send me back to that "place" again.

So I'm confused as to what to do. I really enjoy his company and the sex is great but whats the point if it's never going to go anywhere ?

Should I just enjoy it for what it is and keep my options open regarding other men?

A part of me is also thinking to just see how things go and he might have a change of mind. (That makes me feel a little pathetic tho)

My main worry is that I'll continue to fall for him more and more and just end up really hurt in the end. I'm really trying to detach myself from emotionally getting too involved and just have some fun....or should I just cut my losses now.

Can the last part be done? Anyone have experience with this?

Thanks.

BlueFairy

He's been honest about his intentions with you which is a good thing, you know from the beginning where you stand with him. Don't make the mistake of hanging around hoping that he will change his mind, you're setting yourself up for a fall.

It's not pathetic to hope that it would happen, you're just attracted to him and would love to have a deeper connection, there's nothing to be ashamed of there. But you'd be deceiving yourself by waiting for it to happen, when he has been so straight forward about what he wants.

If you don't think you're capable of having a no-strings-attached relationship with him, then you'd be doing the best thing by cutting contact. Obviously it wouldn't be easy, but in the long run it will save you a lot more heartache.

macplato

As sad as this is, what he told you means that he doesn't see a future with you - believe him. I know this is hard to hear, and may be hard to deal with it, but if you decide to trust that he meant what he said now, you will avoid a heartbreak in the future.

Is it possible to detach emotionally and just enjoy the fun? It's possible for some and absolutely shattering for others. I'm in the second category, and from what you're describing here, it seems to me that you are too. If you are not sure if this kind of arrangement is for you, you could carry on as you are a little bit longer until you know. But as soon as you find out that you are not the type of a person who would feel comfortable being "friends with benefits", you will need to end it, or you will definitely end up in "that place" again.

Merkin

I started dating this guy a few weeks ago and I personally thought it was going really well. I really like him-he's funny, intelligent, attractive and we bounce off each other really well. It felt promising. I've been single for 2 years, mainly by choice, wasn't ready after a break-up, extremely busy. The few dates I went on I felt no "spark' but with this guy there is.

Problem is that he recently told me that he can't offer me a relationship or any commitment down the line

This is a no-brainer. You say that you really like him but yet he can't offer you what you want. I think he's been really honest and upfront and he will not change his mind. If you continue to sleep with him, you're giving him the clear message that you are happy to have casual sex with him but also that you're happy for him when he meets a girl who he wants as his girlfriend.

I think NSA arrangements can be really great. You can have hot, no strings sex and have a great time with someone you see no future with. Great for having fun when you're both on the same page. You actually really like this guy however so to get involved in a casual arrangement when you're secretly desperate for more would be dishonest to both of you and ultimately lead to you getting hurt.

beks101

I think your instinct is bang on here and you should listen to that.

As you said yourself, you've been through the mill emotionally and mentally and the last thing you want to do is to jump head first into another bout of unnecessary pain and anguish.

Please don't stick around and "wait for him to change his mind" - that's like playing a game of Russian Roulette with your own life and emotions and very very unlikely to end well. As you predicted, it's more likely he'll keep enjoying getting his rocks off while you fall hard and end up with more hurt and headfcuk than you bargained for.

Protect yourself here - YOU should be your own priority, not what he wants or needs. And it seems from your expressed disappointment that he has essentially ruled out a relationship, that you want more than a roll in the hay.

No amount of "busy" would put him off if he was mad about you. I got with my bf at the busiest and most chaotic and turbulent time - had moved to a new city, working 60 hours a week in a stressful environment, when not working I was house hunting, when not house hunting I was in bed or visiting doctors for one infection after another...and yet when we met everything else sort of fell into place around the relationship. It was just easy.

You shouldn't have to "convince" someone or "change their mind". And you shouldn't gamble your happiness on them potentially, maybe, possibly doing a u-turn on something they've intentionally told you - listen to the man. At least in this case, he was honest. I've met a lot of men who promised me the sun, moon and stars until they'd had their fun and then it was Speedy Gonzalez.

From my read of this situation, of what you want, what he wants and how vulnerable you are, I think you'd be best to tell him thanks but no thanks.

Ande1975

OP,

As someone who wasted valuable years on a man who would not commit, I'd recommend exit stage left now.
I know its rich coming from me since I buried my head in the sand. Oh how I cringe as what I put up with.
I look back and realised my life would have been so much better off if I had listened to my friends who told me to take him at his word.
I lost my self respect and confidence.
As you've said you've been through a tough time, don't put yourself through that again.
You can convince yourself you can change him but you won't.
I got as far as being proposed to and then he ran. Devastating believe me.

There are much nicer guys out there. Be patient, they come along but you have to be emotionally ready to see them.

LylaElise

Thanks everyone for ye're advice.

Thing is,I hope this doesn't sound crude, is that one of the issues I had in past was severe anxiety (developed chronic insomnia and panic attacks as a result) and to be honest after so long being celibate I'm really seeing the benefits to having regular sex. I feel really good (endorphins I guess) and it is the best sex I have ever had. I honestly feel it was just sex i'd be fine...

..but even since the "ground rules" have been laid down we still continue to act very "coupley"(I try not to encourage this) as in he texts and rings regularly even when we're not meeting up, he's attentive-remembers all little details (genuinely supports me, as I him-we have a similar past experience that not many others would understand) we spend equal time outside bedroom enjoying others activities besides sex, and small intimate acts like holding hands walking down street, cuddling on couch watching movies...I can't count how many times he's cooked me dinner!

You can imagine how very confusing that is and how hard it is not to envision yourself as there partner in future. So the positive of that is is that I don't entirely feel like I'm being purely used for sex but it is starting to mess with my head...and heart.

I want to tell that I have no issue meeting up for sex but I don't feel comfortable being "intimate" or affectionate outside bedroom. But I'm worried that I'll come across as being petty..as in since he's denied me the possibility of a proper relationship I'm gonna deny him all that. I hope you can understand what im saying don't know how to explain it better?

How do I tell him that without sounding petty...also would he think of me as a bit slutty?

For example we plan to meet up Friday and he text me today asking would I like to go for dinner. I know its bad but I lied and said I actually had work a few hours fri evening after college and it could be 9.30 by the time im finished but that I can head straight to his after. He replied no problem, we can head out of city sat morn and go somewhere nice for breakfast if you'd like....

So yeah I'm torn...

Ande1975

OP,

I am going to try and be as diplomatic as possible but you've got to stop lying to yourself.
Your last post is all over the place. You are trying to find a way to justify being with him on his terms but you know that is going to end in disaster.

I'm sorry you suffered from anxiety but deal with that separately. Everyone is in flying form when they get to have regular sex with someone they fancy. The sky is blue, you can hear the birdies etc etc.

This guy is clearly messing with your head. He wants all the trappings of a relationship without committing to you.
You will fall for him, you will get hurt, you will end up worse off than you were before you met him. I'm sorry for being harsh but its true.

You are playing tit for tat with him. He's denying you a relationship but you won't give him affection. The only person this is hurting is you.
Do you think he feels bad that he can't commit to you? No!

Seriously OP, the worst thing we can do to ourselves is take scraps for short term happiness that ends up leading to long term pain.
You will meet the guy who treats you with the absolute respect you deserve but you won't if you continue with this guy.

Again sorry for being harsh but it takes one to know one.

Merkin

LylaElise wrote: »

..but even since the "ground rules" have been laid down we still continue to act very "coupley"(I try not to encourage this) as in he texts and rings regularly even when we're not meeting up............he's attentive-remembers all little details (genuinely supports me, as I him-we have a similar past experience that not many others would understand) we spend equal time outside bedroom enjoying others activities besides sex, and small intimate acts like holding hands walking down street, cuddling on couch watching movies...I can't count how many times he's cooked me dinner!.

Oh honey, you're really going to lead yourself a merry dance by reading into this behaviour. He has categorically said he doesn't want you as his girlfriend, so regardless of how charming and lovely he is, that is not going to change. Don't be a fool and think that it will. Mind your little heart and go and find someone else for great sex, not someone who you could potentially be falling in love with. Don't do that to yourself.

strobe

LylaElise wrote: »

How do I tell him that without sounding petty...also would he think of me as a bit slutty?

Just say basically what you've said here.

"Bob, the last few weeks/months/whatever have been great. I really like you and it's been a lot of fun, but to be honest I don't think the whole casual relationship kind of thing is for me. I'm feeling like at some point I'm going to want more than that and as you've said that's not where you see things leading I think it'd be best for both of us if we just went our seperate ways"

and no, there's no reason why he would think you were petty or slutty.

Penny Tration

strobe wrote: »

Just say basically what you've said here.

"Bob, the last few weeks/months/whatever have been great. I really like you and it's been a lot of fun, but to be honest I don't think the whole casual relationship kind of thing is for me. I'm feeling like at some point I'm going to want more than that and as you've said that's not where you see things leading I think it'd be best for both of us if we just went our seperate ways"

and no, there's no reason why he would think you were petty or slutty.

I may be wrong, but I think the op was asking how to tell the guy she wants the casual sex, but not the non-sexual intimacy he's been engaging in.

Ande1975

green_screen wrote: »

I may be wrong, but I think the op was asking how to tell the guy she wants the casual sex, but not the non-sexual intimacy he's been engaging in.

That's what I read too but I think if the OP was honest with herself, deep down she knows that isn't what she wants.
Relief from anxiety, playing him at his own game are all excuses to a) stay in it b) get him to want to commit. Never going to happen.

Its human nature to put a plaster over something without actually dealing with the real issue.

In the end the OP will do what she wants but I would hate to see her waste her time on something that's never going to last and will hurt her more in the end.

Again sorry for being so harsh

Dolly Daydreams

Sorry hun, but even though it seems he's doing all these coupley things, it means in his own head that he hasn't committed to a relationship with you, so unlike someone in a relationship, he can continue to pursue other people if he so wishes.. He's having his cake and absolutely devouring it.. Keep your self respect in place, if you feel you can't have no strings sex with this man, then cut it loose..

beks101

Dolly Daydreams wrote: »

Sorry hun, but even though it seems he's doing all these coupley things, it means in his own head that he hasn't committed to a relationship with you, so unlike someone in a relationship, he can continue to pursue other people if he so wishes.. He's having his cake and absolutely devouring it.. Keep your self respect in place, if you feel you can't have no strings sex with this man, then cut it loose..

I'd agree with Dolly. Those couply things, holding hands, cuddling on the couch, calling you all the time - it's pretty easy to do that with someone you're attracted to. I've had guys be that openly affectionate on first dates, only to never see them again.

It's easy, it's natural, but it absolutely does NOT mean he's developing stronger feelings for you or about to change his mind. As Dolly said, he's taking all the benefits of a relationship from you as he chooses - but not actually considering your emotional needs.

And sex after a bit of celibacy is always fantastic. It's exciting to be physical again and with someone you totally fancy - of course the endorphins are up. But you can re-create that buzz in ways that won't leave your heart on the line you know. You can go run a marathon, jump out of a plane, go kite surfing
And you can wait until you meet someone who wants to be emotionally as well as physically intimate and wants to make you happy in the long-term, as well as making you excited in the short-term - and the endorphins will be double what they are now.

Don't set yourself up for heartache based on a technicality. In the long run you'll be the one who suffers.

LylaElise

Hey thanks everyone for giving me clarity and some well needed hard truth!

I'm going to end it. I am going to look at things positively though.

1. Being celibate for so long I had insecurities in the bedroom. My time with him definitely cured that. Let's just say "I've got my groove back"

2. I genuinely feared that I would never have a spark with anyone else. I did with him. Fleeting as it was, it was there. I worried that my inability to connect or "feel" anything for a guy was gone. Like I was dead inside and incapable of interesting anyone or being interested by anyone. So that's another positive, I know It's a possibility to feel that in future.

Outside disappointment and a bit of hurt ( I've overcome a lot worse in life) I'll be ok with this. I know it sounds silly but I watched that movie "UP" for the first time last week. Thats what I want. That no matter what plans or dreams a person has in their life I'll be able to fit in somewhere...maybe even become more important.

I say this after my Dad died and if you ask my mother if she could go on any adventure in the world, achieve anything she wanted to or be rich etc, she would give it all up to just see and talk to him again for a few minutes. Thats what I want and It's what I want to feel for another person.

To the person that replied that said no matter how busy or chaotic their life was or their partners, they still made time for one another. You are so right. It should never be a struggle or fight. It should just be...and be just right.

So I text him earlier and asked if he could meet me tonight and he said yes, so I'm going to tell him. I'd rather say it to his face. I also feel empowered right now to do so...plus I haven't shaved my legs so there will be no temptation to have any "fun" lol (If ya don't laugh, you cry right!)

I just want to say that he really isn't an a-hole or anything, I actually respect him for being honest. He's actually a really decent, good, honest guy (too honest obviously lol!!)

Thanks everyone for ye're help. I appreciate it

Dolly Daydreams

beks101 wrote: »

I'd agree with Dolly. Those couply things, holding hands, cuddling on the couch, calling you all the time - it's pretty easy to do that with someone you're attracted to. I've had guys be that openly affectionate on first dates, only to never see them again.

It's easy, it's natural, but it absolutely does NOT mean he's developing stronger feelings for you or about to change his mind. As Dolly said, he's taking all the benefits of a relationship from you as he chooses - but not actually considering your emotional needs.

And sex after a bit of celibacy is always fantastic. It's exciting to be physical again and with someone you totally fancy - of course the endorphins are up. But you can re-create that buzz in ways that won't leave your heart on the line you know. You can go run a marathon, jump out of a plane, go kite surfing
And you can wait until you meet someone who wants to be emotionally as well as physically intimate and wants to make you happy in the long-term, as well as making you excited in the short-term - and the endorphins will be double what they are now.

Don't set yourself up for heartache based on a technicality. In the long run you'll be the one who suffers.

+1 Although to expand on my post, it's not to say he's out there looking for someone else/someone better to come along, it could just be a safety net that if he feels things are getting too much for him he can pull back and say "well, I did tell you this at from the get go"

If you can continue to have a wonderful physical relationship and put your heart to one side, more power to you... Hope whatever you choose will work out for you

Ande1975

Good for you OP.
You have excellent perspective and a lot stronger than most people. You'll be fine.

So sorry to hear about your Dad. I know my Dad wouldn't want me to settle for anything less than I deserve and you need to remember that the right guy will be lucky to have you.

Take care x

Dolly Daydreams

LylaElise wrote: »

Hey thanks everyone for giving me clarity and some well needed hard truth!

I'm going to end it. I am going to look at things positively though.

1. Being celibate for so long I had insecurities in the bedroom. My time with him definitely cured that. Let's just say "I've got my groove back"

2. I genuinely feared that I would never have a spark with anyone else. I did with him. Fleeting as it was, it was there. I worried that my inability to connect or "feel" anything for a guy was gone. Like I was dead inside and incapable of interesting anyone or being interested by anyone. So that's another positive, I know It's a possibility to feel that in future.

Outside disappointment and a bit of hurt ( I've overcome a lot worse in life) I'll be ok with this. I know it sounds silly but I watched that movie "UP" for the first time last week. Thats what I want. That no matter what plans or dreams a person has in their life I'll be able to fit in somewhere...maybe even become more important.

I say this after my Dad died and if you ask my mother if she could go on any adventure in the world, achieve anything she wanted to or be rich etc, she would give it all up to just see and talk to him again for a few minutes. Thats what I want and It's what I want to feel for another person.

To the person that replied that said no matter how busy or chaotic their life was or their partners, they still made time for one another. You are so right. It should never be a struggle or fight. It should just be...and be just right.

So I text him earlier and asked if he could meet me tonight and he said yes, so I'm going to tell him. I'd rather say it to his face. I also feel empowered right now to do so...plus I haven't shaved my legs so there will be no temptation to have any "fun" lol (If ya don't laugh, you cry right!)

I just want to say that he really isn't an a-hole or anything, I actually respect him for being honest. He's actually a really decent, good, honest guy (too honest obviously lol!!)

Thanks everyone for ye're help. I appreciate it

Your point number 2, I'm all too familiar with

You're right, he doesn't sound like an a-hole, he could have led you on to believe you were having a relationship while all the while he wasn't committed to it..

Lol at the legs Hope your talk goes smoothly, best of luck hun

LegacyUser

Your doing the right thing in telling him that you want more than he is prepared to give you.

A good few years ago I was friends with a guy and he wanted an nsa relationship.
He expected me to be there when ever he wanted but he did not want his family/friends to know about us. I put up with this for a period of time thinking if I waited he would change his mind. I knew he had a major social event where he would have had to ask a woman to. Well he asked someone else and she told him where to go when he expected sex from her at the end of the night.

I know that if your going through a bad patch any bit of human contact can make you feel better but long term you know you want more.
You deserve to meet someone who thinks you are worth more than no strings sex.