miserable

sweetheart

OK I've just ended my very short lived marriage. Since we married his anger outbursts have been frequent and are escalating. More damage done with every outburst. He's never been physical just always verbally roaring at me making me cry. He does this in front of our kids. I really don't them them growing up in this environment. He had 1 or 2 outbursts before the wedding but I just thought it was stress. A week before Xmas my gran died and I had my father staying with us to give him some support. The day after she died I was taking my father to the funeral home to see her laid out and my husband lost the plot with me. I haven't a clue as to why but my neigh our even came in to see what was going on over the way he was shouting.when I got home that afternoon he packed his bags and left. He's walked out a few times since as I've suggested anger management. He has been to one session and now he thinks everything is hunky dory... he blames me for every outburst he has and never takes responsibility. We had a rough Xmas financially. My parents bought the kids Santa presents and clothes and helped out with our groceries. He barely even acknowledged them for it but the final nail in the coffin was I just found a bank statement from an account I didn't know existed which shows he had nearly 3 grand stashed away at Christmas. I'm soooo angry right now because with all this hidden money if I take €10 out of his account I have to show him what I spent it on. He will not give me access to money I'm a stay at home mom. He won't put my name on the account. It just seems he needs to control everything I do he's now starting to clock the car when I go out and quizzes me as to where I've been and trys to match the distance with what's on the clock. I've finally had enough and finished it but he's making me feel so guilty over it. Promising me everything will change. If I take him back things will be great for a week or two then back to the same game again. I just don't know what to do

heretochat

This guy sounds like a bully and a control freak. I am horrified to think that he could potentially leave children hungry and without Santa presents while sitting on a pot of cash. In my humble opinion it would take someone extremely twisted to do that.

You will have to make your own mind up on this but he sounds like an emotionally abusive person. And the shouting on top of that would also be a worry. I would be concerned that he is could be only one step away from becoming physically abusive.

Your priority here is clearly to yourself and your children.

ladygirl

Your relationship is Toxic,,, Get out now and don't ever look back.. If you cannot do it for yourself - do it for your poor children,, As their mother it is your responsibility to protect them from abuse..

Don't leave him guilt you into going back,, You know yourself he will never change.

sweetheart

Thanks for your reply. I really do want to get out as I agree with you on the fact that its only going to be a matter of time that it will turn physical especially as the severity of the outbursts are escalating. Its just how guilty hes making me feel saying I'm throwing away our marriage and ****e Luke that. Again making me feel its my fault. Our kids are my number 1 priority and they will come first over any man even if he is their father I just hope that in time to come they will understand this decision. I want them to have a happy childhood with both parents but surely they can't have that with all this going on. He's emotionally blackmailing me to get back with him I just really hope I can stay strong through it and stick to my guns as I'd have a very soft heart and hate seeing people hurting

heretochat

sweetheart wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. I really do want to get out as I agree with you on the fact that its only going to be a matter of time that it will turn physical especially as the severity of the outbursts are escalating. Its just how guilty hes making me feel saying I'm throwing away our marriage and ****e Luke that. Again making me feel its my fault. Our kids are my number 1 priority and they will come first over any man even if he is their father I just hope that in time to come they will understand this decision. I want them to have a happy childhood with both parents but surely they can't have that with all this going on. He's emotionally blackmailing me to get back with him I just really hope I can stay strong through it and stick to my guns as I'd have a very soft heart and hate seeing people hurting

The first part you know yourself is rubbish and should be treated with the contempt it deserves

Re: the second part, would you be able to live with yourself and see the hurt on your childrens' faces if he does turn violent and hit you? The emotional and verbal abuse will be doing them enough damage.

anmhi02

Oh you poor thing and your poor kids! You are doing the right thing leaving him. It takes guts to do it but you are doing the right thing. You can't relax in that type of atmosphere nor can your kids, they will be constantly on edge. Keep safe and keep doing what your doing. Stay brave....you are doing the right thing. Sending you a huge hug :-)

Ande1975

OP,

You are a very brave woman to walk away from this. Your ex husband is a selfish bully and no good can come from staying with him. He needs help, serious help.
Its disgusting that he allowed your parents support you over Christmas when he was quite fluid with money.
He is controlling and threatening. You don't want to set that example for your children.
If its any consolation, one of my closest friends was in a relationship like that except he was violent with her. It took a lot of enticing to get her and her baby away from him. She restarted her life and is now happily married to a kind and gently man and expecting another child.
This man does not deserve your attention or sympathy. He is manipulative and know that you do not treat the dog on the street the way he has treated you.
You deserve better and will get it once you cut him out of your life.
Best of luck x

sweetheart

Honestly folks I'm welling up with the comments if support from you. It really means a lot sometimes its just so much easier to chat with strangers and thank you all for taking the time to comment. At present he's threatening taking his life. He's threatened this before and I've taken him back so now I'm not sure if he's serious or is it just another ploy for me to take him back. I'd like to think he's too selfish to do it but you never know in situations like these. My head is actually fried.

nikpmup

Do not return to him. He used bullying to control you in the marriage, he's using manipulation tactics to try to get you back so he can continue his bullying. If you stay, you and your kids will have a lifetime of being subject to his control, and your kids will grow up thinking it's okay to behave like that. They will be better off without him (My own parents stayed together ''for the kids'' and while it wasn't as bad as that, I grew up in a constantly stressed environment - I would have much preferred that they had separated when we were young)

Well done for taking this brave step - you've done the hard part. If he continues to harass you or put pressure on you, only contact him through a third party or have someone present with you when you have to deal with him.

nikpmup

sweetheart wrote: »

Honestly folks I'm welling up with the comments if support from you. It really means a lot sometimes its just so much easier to chat with strangers and thank you all for taking the time to comment. At present he's threatening taking his life. He's threatened this before and I've taken him back so now I'm not sure if he's serious or is it just another ploy for me to take him back. I'd like to think he's too selfish to do it but you never know in situations like these. My head is actually fried.

Cross-posted - he's manipulating you. If he makes an attempt (and it's a big if) HE is responsible, not you. He caused the marriage to end by his behaviour; now he's using the ultimate in manipulation tactics to get at you. If he threatens it again, tell him to call the samaritans, but do not be drawn in to ''helping'' him.

maria34

sweetheart wrote: »

Honestly folks I'm welling up with the comments if support from you. It really means a lot sometimes its just so much easier to chat with strangers and thank you all for taking the time to comment. At present he's threatening taking his life. He's threatened this before and I've taken him back so now I'm not sure if he's serious or is it just another ploy for me to take him back. I'd like to think he's too selfish to do it but you never know in situations like these. My head is actually fried.

Do not listen just shut off. You arent responsible for what he does.

I suggest you contact womens aid. Thats what i did when i almost lost my mind. They told me its abuse.

Im sorry that your mother died. And i am a stranger. Your kids lost their loved one and he is acting up?! Sense of entitelment and lack of empathy. Manipulating. Controlling.

He will never change.

heretochat

I agree with the above posters. He is using this "threat" as a final throw of the dice and is desperate as he sees his control over you slipping away.

As I said to you earlier, your priority is the wellbeing of yourself and your children. You cannot be responsible for his actions, threatened or otherwise.

Ande1975

Like other posters have stated he is manipulating you. Can you not see that he doesn't share the same concern for your welfare as you do his?
He is a cruel cruel man with serious issues.
Suicide threats is another form of control.
I would provide him with contacts for support and walk away.
He is troubled.

GreeBo

OP does he have family of his own?
If he is threatening to take his own life I think you should involve his family and then, for your own sake, think about walking away.

Neyite

OP, please try to speak to someone in Womens Aid - you'll find your local office online. A lot of what you have described is controlling, abusive behaviour.

The threats to harm himself if you leave is a common manipulative tactic, and its highly unlikely that he will do it. He may pretend to do it though. It should be said though, that even if he did kill himself, that is HIS decision, as an adult to make and NOBODY is ever responsible for someone else taking their own life. The only person responsible for that is the person themselves.

Quietly, make your plans to leave - Womens Aid will give you great advice on how to do this carefully. Dont say anything to him until those plans are in place. Statistically this is when abuse can intensify so do talk to them first.

Copy that bank statement and any other financial information you can find and make sure that when you get a solicitor or mediation that you produce it as proof he is hiding assets, because he WILL try to evade his financial responsibilities. And now you are married, you have entitlement to half of the lot. Make sure, for the sake of your children, that you take what you are entitled to.

Best of luck.

Paddy Cow

sweetheart wrote: »

Honestly folks I'm welling up with the comments if support from you. It really means a lot sometimes its just so much easier to chat with strangers and thank you all for taking the time to comment. At present he's threatening taking his life. He's threatened this before and I've taken him back so now I'm not sure if he's serious or is it just another ploy for me to take him back. I'd like to think he's too selfish to do it but you never know in situations like these. My head is actually fried.

Stay strong op and anytime you feel yourself wavering, come back and read this thread. This man is too narcissistic to take his own life. He knows that you are a caring person and he uses your good nature against you. He has no respect for you, your children or your family. Not only did he let your parents pay for christmas without saying thank you, he was sitting on three grand :eek: Normal people only turn to family for financial support when they are in dire need and they see it as support, not something to take for granted.

He is devious and you know this. You have made the big step of separating and don't let him wear you down with emotional blackmail. He is pulling this crap knowing that you are still grieving for a family member and are emotionally vulnerable right now. His behaviour is making you, as your thread title says, MISERABLE. That is not how a partner is meant to make you feel. He should be supporting you, not abusing you. What he is doing is abuse. It might not be physical but shouting and controlling you is abuse.

For your sake and the kids', please don't give in to his games. Your parents sound like wonderfully supportive people. Lean on them. I'm sure they know what is happening and will be more than glad to help you out.

sweetheart

What a fantastic bunch of people you are and thank you for all of the advice. It is greatly appreciated. Im trying so hard to stay strong through this for my kids but the emotional blackmail saw me having a week moment. I know I need to do this and hopefully be a much stronger person and mom for it

Neyite

There is also a separation and divorce forum if you want to chat to others who have separated. Posters cant give legal advice, but they can share their experiences and offer support and encouragement to you.

sweetheart

Neyite wrote: »

There is also a separation and divorce forum if you want to chat to others who have separated. Posters cant give legal advice, but they can share their experiences and offer support and encouragement to you.

Thanks I will check that out. And my last comment meant to read " I know I need to do this" silly small buttons

Hannibal Smith

Just because some one hasn't raised a hand doesn't mean the abuse isn't significant. Controlling you, belittling you and verbally attacking you is as damaging and as unacceptable as physical violence. This is your life to live and control, no one elses. Because you are married does not remove your importance as an individual. If some one is making your life unbearable and miserable, hacking away at your self worth and your confidence and making you feel like you're less important than you are then they are not a person to be around.

Threatening to kill himself, packing his bags, guilt trips are all drastic reactions to keep you under his control. I wonder was the outburst regarding you paying respects to your Gran (sorry for your loss by the way) because your focus was off him?

You are only responsible for living your life. He is responsible for what he decides to do as a result of your decision. Marriage counselling could be an option, but to be honest when it comes to either physical or verbal abuse, my tolerance runs dry and I don't see why you shouldn't leave and give yourself and your kids a more pleasant environment to live in.

Obliq

sweetheart wrote: »

At present he's threatening taking his life. He's threatened this before and I've taken him back so now I'm not sure if he's serious or is it just another ploy for me to take him back. I'd like to think he's too selfish to do it but you never know in situations like these. My head is actually fried.

Sweetheart, you've left him - that's the hardest part over. Stay gone, for your kids' sakes and your own. I have an ex husband who threatened that too. I'm glad you haven't fallen for it. If he keeps it up (or indeed escalates the threat), tell him plainly that you can't take responsibility for his life and that you'll have to approach professional services on his behalf if you think the risk is there.

And I suggest you don't let him near you till he's reasonable and calm - preferably have another adult there or meet him somewhere in public. Best of luck, I hope you have lots of supportive friends and family - don't be afraid to lean on them....

maria34

sweetheart wrote: »

What a fantastic bunch of people you are and thank you for all of the advice. It is greatly appreciated. Im trying so hard to stay strong through this for my kids but the emotional blackmail saw me having a week moment. I know I need to do this and hopefully be a much stronger person and mom for it

You are not alone! So many women have been there and trust me its hard to get out. And i know its really embarrasing to tell other people what happens behind closed doors. I suggest to talk to your parents and siblings what he is up to, they will support you. They cant if they dont know whats going on. He wont kill himself, he is just loving himself too much for that.

Google narcisstic abuse and you find loads of common.

scriba

Everyone else has said pretty much all there is to say. I admire your courage, not only to recognise that things were very wrong, but to do something about it. You're doing the right thing by yourself and by your kids (from personal experience).

You are a great mum! Just keep talking to friends, family and Women's Aid about how you're feeling, and never be afraid to ask for help.

Finally, he's responsible for his own actions, not you.

I wish you every happiness here on in.

LegacyUser

Do not go back to this man as he will continue to abuse you.
Going back to this will ruin your life and long term won't be a good situation for your children to be in.
At this stage I would gather up every bit of information you can - bank statements, pay slips, P60 ect as I am sure it won't be easy to get money out of him.
Set up a bank account in your own name and get the children allowance paid into this.

If he tells you that he will kill himself I would do the following

Tell him I will ring your parents and tell them you have told me this. I am sure they would like to know how you have been treating me and the kids.
I will also tell them how you give me no money for the Santa presents for the kids when you had nearly €3k in a secret bank account.
I would then tell him well if you die I will get the €3,000 you kept in your secret bank account and any other money you have.

My feeling the reason he wants you back is that he has got legal advice and knows that if you stay apart it will cost him a lot more every week or month.
Along with this he won't be able to control you and ask you what you spent x & y every time you go shopping.

I would get legal advice and be ready to fight hard for what you and your children are entitled to.

retro:electro

I am glad you have left your relationship OP it sounds very controlling and toxic. Fair play to you for taking that step. You should read your post from the bottom sentence up to the top.

LegacyUser

Op do not give into this guys demands, seriously doing so for 'the kids' will set you and your kids up for a life time of misery. There are 100s of threads on here from posters who have grown up in abusive relationships, staying together will not make things better for your kids if anything it will make their lives worse. You have lost your mom, your marriage is over so you are at a emotionally low period right now, whatever you do, do not take him back. It's over, accept that and lean on those that love you the most like your dad and family for support.

R.D. aka MR.D

I'd just like to add that as some one who grew up in a home where the mother put up with abuse 'for the kids sake'. so that we would have a father, blah blah blah. Don't stay with this person.

My siblings and I are damaged because we were exposed to this person for our whole lives. Get your kids out, now. In the future, they may thank you instead of resenting you for staying with some one like that.

Contact Woman's Aid and get help.