What to do

Censorsh!t

So I met a guy through a club I'm involved in in university. He seemed nice, so I was friendly to him, but I didn't want anything more.

One night we were out with club members after a competition and I got upset because they guy I fancied was being a dick to me. Anyway, I was a bit drunk and told this guy I was a bit upset and he leaned in to kiss me. I pushed him away and apologised saying I didn't want that.

The next day he messaged me on FB saying sorry and could we put it behind us. So that was okay.

The only thing is, he is messaging me quite a lot. I try keep it a while before replying, but I do eventually reply because I don't want to be rude and it's nice to have friends in the club.

Since the other day I've been feeling a bit uneasy. First because, after complaining about a balls I'd made out of my hair he told me how he was sure I looked "great" and then he sent me his number to text him if I got bored (I didn't text him).

Now...I don't want to presume that he wants something more than friendship, but that's the impression I'm getting. I don't want to lead him on, but I don't want to be rude and stop replying. Even though it's not like my messages re in any way conceivably flirty, just friendly chat. I want to try make it clear that I'm not interested but without sounding presumptuous (after all he might only want to be friends too!).

How do I go about this?

Czarcasm

OP in all fairness. Read back over your own post. Does that sound to any reasonable minded person like all this guy wants is friendship?

I understand you don't want to be rude, but in this case you're going to have to be firm. This guy doesn't want just to be your friend, and quite frankly his behaviour sounds borderline obsessive based on the fact that he knows well you don't want to be rude to him.

You're just going to have to cut off all contact with him at this stage, and if he presses you on it, you'll need to tell him that you have no interest in his offering 'friendship', because it's clear from your post he wants a lot more.

ElleEm

If you get the feeling that he wants something more, and you still want to maintain a friendship with him, can you not mention at some point that you are not looking for a relationship/ have no time for a man, etc.? Unless he is clueless, he should get the hint. Especially if you don't use his phone number.

If you are feeling uneasy with him, and decide that you don't want to continue the friendship, then you could just gradually phase it out. Don't reply to every message, say you are busy/ have somewhere to be/ phone call to make, etc. Again, he should be able to get the hint from this that you are not interested.

December2012

No need to cut off all contact in my opinion.

I think you are handling it well. Make sure you're not leading him on, but be fully aware - he doesn't want to be just your buddy.

Censorsh!t

Thanks for the replies.

I can't exactly cut contact, because we are in a club together, so usually I would see him twice a week. Now that it's almost summer holidays though, it may be once a week or not until September, depending on if he goes home or not. But either way, he will be back in September.


I guess all I can do is reduce contact, and maybe, yes, drop some hint that would let him know that I'm not interested. I just thought that turning him down that night would have been enough!

Czarcasm

Censorsh!t wrote: »

I guess all I can do is reduce contact, and maybe, yes, drop some hint that would let him know that I'm not interested. I just thought that turning him down that night would have been enough!

OP I think what he's hoping for is to eventually wear you down that you'll give in and give him a chance. He's banking on the fact that you're too polite and you don't want there to be any awkwardness between the two of you.

I would call his behaviour manipulative, and that's why I suggested you needed to be firm and assertive with him, not giving him mixed signals like hints, because hints at anything are only just that, and not a clear indicator that he's made you feel uneasy, his advances are unwelcome, and you don't want to lose him as a friend, but his behaviour is putting a strain on your friendship.

hattoncracker

Censorsh!t wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

I can't exactly cut contact, because we are in a club together, so usually I would see him twice a week. Now that it's almost summer holidays though, it may be once a week or not until September, depending on if he goes home or not. But either way, he will be back in September.


I guess all I can do is reduce contact, and maybe, yes, drop some hint that would let him know that I'm not interested. I just thought that turning him down that night would have been enough!

Hi OP, I've been where you are, and it can be quite annoying! I ended an LTR last year and literally within days I had about 4 guys who I thought were just friends (and who I only thought of as friends) trying it on.

I took your approach and let them know I wasn't into them, and tried to just carry on as normal but sometimes it doesn't work and you have to be firm. I had to cut two of them out and I felt terrible. But at the end of the day, the trust was gone because I knew that underneath all the friendliness was an ulterior motive.

I'm not saying you'll have to go that far, but you will need to get tough if he starts disrespecting your boundaries.

Tasden

Yeah op the previous two posts are along the lines of what I would say. I had a similar situation with a friend and it even got so far that I was afraid to be left alone with him because any time I was he'd try to kiss me. Like you, I'd try to be polite and turn him down gently but when I was friendly to him he would take it as something more- and I definitely wasn't leading him on.

Eventually it got so bad that I stopped even trying to be friendly because any time I did he'd take it as an invitation to try it on. Hopefully this guy isn't the same but just do be firm if it seems he's not getting the picture.

Censorsh!t

Hi again,

Need some more advice!

So, it had been a few days since I spoke to him. He messaged me and I just said I wouldn't reply, and so didn't hear from him for a few days and thought "phew...maybe he's gotten the hint"

And then the other night he messages me saying how it's been way too long since he's seen me and how about getting coffee next time I'm in town.

That was the night before last, and I haven't replied. I don't know what to say. I don't want to be rude and not reply, because I'll probably have to see him at training next week (I skipped it this week because I just didn't want the uncomfortable-ness, but I'm not willing to give it up because of him).

Should I ask him what exactly his intentions are, or should I go straight into saying "sorry, not interested"? I don't want to have to go the second approach, but I just don't know how to handle this situation.

December2012

You could ignore it

Or

Say something non committal like "sure I'll see you next week at training..."

Chucky the tree

Don't go non-committal, terrible idea tbh as it can easily be construed as encouragement. Just bite the bullet now OP and tell him you are interested in him.

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP in all fairness. Read back over your own post. Does that sound to any reasonable minded person like all this guy wants is friendship?

I understand you don't want to be rude, but in this case you're going to have to be firm. This guy doesn't want just to be your friend, and quite frankly his behaviour sounds borderline obsessive based on the fact that he knows well you don't want to be rude to him.

You're just going to have to cut off all contact with him at this stage, and if he presses you on it, you'll need to tell him that you have no interest in his offering 'friendship', because it's clear from your post he wants a lot more.

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP I think what he's hoping for is to eventually wear you down that you'll give in and give him a chance. He's banking on the fact that you're too polite and you don't want there to be any awkwardness between the two of you.

I would call his behaviour manipulative, and that's why I suggested you needed to be firm and assertive with him, not giving him mixed signals like hints, because hints at anything are only just that, and not a clear indicator that he's made you feel uneasy, his advances are unwelcome, and you don't want to lose him as a friend, but his behaviour is putting a strain on your friendship.

No idea how he's being borderline obsessive or manipulative. To me he seems to be following the advice he'd get on PI when you see threads like this started from the male point of view.

desbrook

OP -blokes don't do hints . Stop messing around and tell him there will NEVER be anything more than friendship between you . Also tell him (this is vital) that if he tries it on again you won't be friends with him - end of .

Text should read "Hi XYZ , thx for the coffee invite . I'd like to accept but you understand we'd meeting as friends and NOT potential bf/gf , and that won't change in the future ? Hopefully you can as otherwise I don't think its a good idea to text/hang out - Censor"

You are saying you need him to reply that he accepts that you are friends and will not be anything more in the future otherwise you won't meet .

Czarcasm

Chucky the tree wrote: »

No idea how he's being borderline obsessive or manipulative. To me he seems to be following the advice he'd get on PI when you see threads like this started from the male point of view.

That'd be a completely different thread Chucky, and I'd never advise anyone, be they male or female, to behave in the manner this guy is doing, and clearly I've already advised the OP to stop encouraging his behaviour by not just cutting him off. There's no possibility of a friendship there if the guy makes the OP feel uncomfortable, and I'd say that'd be the same for anyone, irrespective of their gender.

Chucky the tree

Czarcasm wrote: »

That'd be a completely different thread Chucky, and I'd never advise anyone, be they male or female, to behave in the manner this guy is doing, and clearly I've already advised the OP to stop encouraging his behaviour by not just cutting him off. There's no possibility of a friendship there if the guy makes the OP feel uncomfortable, and I'd say that'd be the same for anyone, irrespective of their gender.

He's facebooking a girl he likes, lock him up and throw away the key. It's not like she's ignored him all this time and he's been sending 10+ messages. She's been replying nearly every single time to him. He's not a mind reader, chances are he has no idea he's making the OP feel uncomfortable. That's she needs to be clear about it and to act like an adult when dealing with the situation.

Obliq

Censorsh!t wrote: »

And then the other night he messages me saying how it's been way too long since he's seen me and how about getting coffee next time I'm in town.

That was the night before last, and I haven't replied. I don't know what to say. I don't want to be rude and not reply

I think you'll have to be cruel to be kind OP, and actually state that you don't want to. Otherwise how will he know when to stop?

I suggest something plain and simple (and after the few days that you've left it, it'll come as no surprise hopefully) like "Nah, sorry - not into meeting up. Hope you're well, see you at training probably"

Censorsh!t

Chucky the tree wrote: »

He's facebooking a girl he likes, lock him up and throw away the key. It's not like she's ignored him all this time and he's been sending 10+ messages. She's been replying nearly every single time to him. He's not a mind reader, chances are he has no idea he's making the OP feel uncomfortable. That's she needs to be clear about it and to act like an adult when dealing with the situation.

I thought I had made it clear when I told him I wasn't interested when he tried kissing me.

I replied to him 'nearly every time' for a while because I thought he had got the picture and was happy to just be friends. When I started feeling uncomfortable, then I replied a bit less, and completely ignored anything that was borderline flirtatious, and was a bit more distant in my replies hoping that would give him the idea.

I don't think he's being obsessive, but I don't think it's my fault either.

I'm going to tell him (again) that I'm not interested.

Obliq

Censorsh!t wrote: »

I thought I had made it clear when I told him I wasn't interested when he tried kissing me.

I replied to him 'nearly every time' for a while because I thought he had got the picture and was happy to just be friends. When I started feeling uncomfortable, then I replied a bit less, and completely ignored anything that was borderline flirtatious, and was a bit more distant in my replies hoping that would give him the idea.

I don't think he's being obsessive, but I don't think it's my fault either.

I'm going to tell him (again) that I'm not interested.

I think it's definitely time you nipped it in the bud. The first time, he might have thought he'd moved too soon, and that's why you weren't interested - hence the "getting to know you" strategy. Which is fair enough, from his end of it. It's for sure time you let him know that the borderline flirtatious stuff is falling on deaf ears though...go set him straight!

Tasden

You could try make a joke about it, something like "hi I'm not sure if I'm free tbh, I can check when I'm free and let you know, as long as you realise now that we're just friends (no kissing!), we don't need that awkwardness again!" Something like that, then don't bother texting again, if he asks again or when are you free just say sorry I'm really busy so can't. He should get the hint. Hopefully! :pac:

I tried the joke route though and he still didn't cop on, but hopefully this guy is a bit more aware.

Censorsh!t

Thanks everyone again.

I basically said that I'm sorry if I'm assuming something that isn't there, but that I don't want to give him any wrong ideas that I'm interested.

He basically replied saying "don't worry, I know, you said that already". Which is a completely different issue now, seen as he's sending me, what I find, are flirty messages.

Obliq

Censorsh!t wrote: »

Thanks everyone again.

I basically said that I'm sorry if I'm assuming something that isn't there, but that I don't want to give him any wrong ideas that I'm interested.

He basically replied saying "don't worry, I know, you said that already". Which is a completely different issue now, seen as he's sending me, what I find, are flirty messages.

Excellent. Now you know where you stand with him, and he with you. IMO, you don't have an issue now, just don't flirt back if you don't want to have that kind of "does he, doesn't he" vibe all the time.

Chucky the tree

Censorsh!t wrote: »

I thought I had made it clear when I told him I wasn't interested when he tried kissing me.

I replied to him 'nearly every time' for a while because I thought he had got the picture and was happy to just be friends. When I started feeling uncomfortable, then I replied a bit less, and completely ignored anything that was borderline flirtatious, and was a bit more distant in my replies hoping that would give him the idea.

I don't think he's being obsessive, but I don't think it's my fault either.

I'm going to tell him (again) that I'm not interested.

Sorry, didn't mean to imply it was your fault or you handled it badly. Apart from taking the option to ignore him there's not much else you could have done differently.