No idea how I can help

LegacyUser

My girlfriend is depressed, I have no idea how I can help her. She's had depression for two years now, she's on a high dosage of anti-depressants (she's changed them a few times in the past two years), she's going to the college counsellor. I've offered to pay for a private counsellor because that counsellor doesn't seem to be helping her at all but she won't take my money.

She's in her third year and she hardly goes into college anymore. She stays in bed most days. When I get her outside to go for a coffee or to go for a walk in the fresh air, she'll start crying at small things. She says she hates herself regularly. She's stopped contacting her family, even with her housemates and friends - she doesn't bother with them. She won't eat, she stayed up 36 hours straight once, most of the time she's running off 3 hours sleep.

I've been with her for two and half years now and I've never seen her this bad. She always would have her down days where things would get on top of her but she could function mostly. I don't know what to do, I don't understand depression to be honest. I'm lucky that I never had it nor any of my close friends, but I just don't know how to help her? She has everything going for her - funny, smart, beautiful, kind.. but she doesn't see any of this. She keeps asking me why I'm with her, she begged me last Saturday to leave her, that she didn't deserve me, all that sort of thing. It's like she's trying to alienate herself from everyone around her. She cries all the time now and God, I dunno it's so hard to get through to her. Help appreciated or at least some perspective on the situation. Will this pass? Sorry if I'm ignorant when it comes to this stuff.

I'm 22, she's 21.

Could there be something triggering her depression? You mentioned you were together for 2 1/2 years and that her depression has been going on for 2 years - did something occur?

Feel

OP, that sounds not good. Please talk with her about her feelings. Do you think you are able to clarify if your girlfriend has suicidal feelings or thoughts?

Magicmatilda

Maybe get in contact with aware. They may be able to offer advice. Has she been referred to a psychiatrist? GPS are not specialised in depression really so a psychologist or psychiatrist may be able to help. Try and mind yourself in this and ensure that you have some quality of life. You are very young to take all this on yourself.

changepartners

Maybe try and get her to see a proper psychotherapist. Finding an excuse not to go might be part of her depression.

Your GP should be able to refer you.

And if you feel like you need it chat to someone yourself. Dont let it get on top of you too.

lurooney

Everything you said there sounds like the way i was a few years ago and im so sorry coz i know its hard for you not knowing what to do as my partner was the same and he could barely cope with me.help for depression in this country is shockingly bad as all they seem to do is throw pills at you and let me tell you the meds can screw with your head and make you feel worse and it took 2 years,3 suicide attempts and a few weeks in the physch ward to get a diagnosis..is there something in her past that happened that has triggered this depression?? Best advice i can give you is to make sure she talks about hows shes feeling and lots of reassurance but it has to come from her to want the help and its not easy when you are depressed

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

@boneyarsebogman: The only thing I can think of that triggers her depression is change. She only became depressed when she went from living at home and going to school to then moving away and going to college. I didn't know her in school but she said the depression only occurred when she came to college. This current depression came over her when she came back in January after the Christmas holidays. She has a family history of depression. Her Grandad had a mental breakdown and was put in a psychiatric unit for quite some time, her Mam has depression, her two sisters were on medication for depression and anxiety - they seem to be in control of it now though. Her brother seems pretty similar to her, just never went to the doctor. It just seems her entire family are susceptible to depression, unfortunately. I don't know after that tbh.

@Feel: Yeah I'm worried about that. Kind of getting more worried with each day. I found a half written suicide note to her parents back in second year (when it was pretty bad too, not as bad as it this time though) so I know it's something she considers. She said before when she was drunk that she wished no one cared anymore so she could just disappear so she wouldn't hurt anyone that way.

@Magicmatilda: I think she was. But she didn't have the money for it, she's not on the medical card and her parents wouldn't have any spare money.

@changepartners: It's difficult to get her do anything. I think she thinks that she's going to feel like this forever (due to the many anti-depressants not working and the counselling too). It's almost like she's giving up. Throwing college aside shows that.

@lurooney: No idea, change as I said above seems to trigger it at times, but nothing much has changed in the past few months.

At this stage, it's not even worth me talking to her because I actually can't help her. Personally I think she needs to spend some time in hospital because she is very bad at the minute but it's not up to me.

Merkin

This is bigger than both of you m'dear so you need to invoke the help of the professionals. And I don't mean counsellors, I mean doctors. She seems to be at an extraordinarily low ebb and for that reason, she probably needs to be admitted and spend some time in the safety of a psychiatric facility.

Has she had consistency in GP care? If so I recommend you make an appointment today and go along to the appointment. Or else speak to the GP and see if they will do a home visit. They can they then arrange a referral immediately - I honestly think some time in a facility is your only option at this stage.

desbrook

From your post she's only asked you to do one thing - leave . She's also refused money and your other offers of help . You've been with her 2 1/2 years and she's got steadily more depressed in that period .

I'm NOT blaming you in anyway - I admire your loyalty but the evidence suggests staying together is not helping anyone . Splitting might help her - it might not but staying is not helping .

Step back, stay strong and let her family step up to the plate . If your relationship is meant to be she'll come back if/when she recovers .

Feel

OP, has your girlfriend told you what she wants you to do if things get worse and she loses contact to reality? Has she made an emergency plan? You should talk with her what she has to do if she feels at risk, for example to call you/housemates/Samaritans/1LIFE/999. Can you limit (together with her) her access to pills to avoid overdosing? To care about her can create a counterweight to the thought to end the pain. Show her your own inner safe feeling; maybe this can help her to recover stability to get hope back that she will be able to feel safe again eventually. She needs every help you can give her and if she allows it then try to comfort and distract her. Take care.

Merkin

desbrook wrote: »

From your post she's only asked you to do one thing - leave . She's also refused money and your other offers of help . You've been with her 2 1/2 years and she's got steadily more depressed in that period .

I'm NOT blaming you in anyway - I admire your loyalty but the evidence suggests staying together is not helping anyone . Splitting might help her - it might not but staying is not helping .

Step back, stay strong and let her family step up to the plate . If your relationship is meant to be she'll come back if/when she recovers .

With all due respect, I really don't agree with this. In the same breath as asking him to leave, she said she doesn't deserve him and can't understand why he is with her. This is merely representative of the illness and the associated self loathing as opposed to not actually wanting to be with him anymore. You really need to get doctors involved OP.

desbrook

Merkin wrote: »

With all due respect, I really don't agree with this. In the same breath as asking him to leave, she said she doesn't deserve him and can't understand why he is with her. This is merely representative of the illness and the associated self loathing as opposed to not actually wanting to be with him anymore. You really need to get doctors involved OP.

Point taken but there's no evidence that keeping up the relationship is helping her . The lad is 22 and I can't imagine the strain he is under - the family should help . Completely agree re Doctors etc .

Merkin

desbrook wrote: »

Point taken but there's no evidence that keeping up the relationship is helping her . The lad is 22 and I can't imagine the strain he is under - the family should help . Completely agree re Doctors etc .

I also agree that it must be a really terrible strain for him - good advice re leaning on her family more to help ease the burden.

desbrook

Merkin wrote: »

I also agree that it must be a really terrible strain for him - good advice re leaning on her family more to help ease the burden.

My fear is that this young man is 22 and at a crossroads in his life as most people of that age are . Over-burdening himself may have long lasting detrimental consequences on his career and life paths . Better to park the relationship after getting family and professionals involved who may have more success in helping her .

FurBabyMomma

I'm afraid you're right OP - right now you can't help her directly. She can't help herself. If depression could be cured by love or by rationalising things then you're girlfriend would be cured. However you are not a mental health professional, meaning you don't have the skills to put this right - that's not your fault. Your girlfriend doesn't have the skills to get out if the dark place in her head - that's not her fault. But unfortunately the longer this goes on the more of a danger she becomes to herself. You can help her indirectly. She needs professional help and the family she is cutting out need to be in the loop about the situation. Please don't try to shoulder this all by yourself as you cannot and should not try to bear this responsibility alone, it won't help you or your girlfriend. Please contact Aware or The Samaritans for advice and support on how to proceed. There is life after depression but a depressed person is generally unable to get that far without professional help, and help that does beyond a GP throwing pills at the problem.

Rachiee

OP I've suffered from depression for the past 17 years. I know from my experience when i am particularly unwell i can be very isolating and cold and at times outwardly argumentative with friends and family. You sticking around even if it doesn't seem that way is actually helping. Some days you manage to get her out for a walk. Even if she cries for the whole walk that is helping. It sounds like you are doing a great job supporting her. If things get worse definitely go back to the gp say that the counselling and medication isn't working see if you can work out another plan.

Re suicide risk, keep an eye out for a sudden improvement of mood, writing notes, giving away personal belongings, and vague statements re wishing death. If she does appear suicidal don't be afraid to ask her outright if she is thinking of hurting herself. This will not put ideas in her head if she is not, it will communicate to her that its safe to talk about it.
Contact aware for services,they have programmes and groups not only for the person suffering but also for family and friends. It can be a very slow process but believe it or not you are getting through to her just by sticking around

FurBabyMomma

Rachiee wrote: »

Re suicide risk, keep an eye out for a sudden improvement of mood, writing notes, giving away personal belongings, and vague statements re wishing death. If she does appear suicidal don't be afraid to ask her outright if she is thinking of hurting herself. This will not put ideas in her head if she is not, it will communicate to her that its safe to talk about it.
Contact aware for services,they have programmes and groups not only for the person suffering but also for family and friends. It can be a very slow process but believe it or not you are getting through to her just by sticking around

I agree him being around is a support. But what you have described above is a huge responsibility for the OP to have. He could be looking out for all these signs and still something could happen and he'll spend the rest of his life blaming himself - how did I not notice, if only I'd done such and such, etc. Him sticking around is great, but he shouldn't have the responsibility of thinking that's what will get her through. It's not enough on it's own. What I'm saying is please get help OP, don't try to this alone.

And I'm saying this as a sufferer who managed to destroy my own life and my partner's before I finally admitted I had a problem and took steps to finally haul myself out of that dark hole and try to repair the damage done while denying there was anything wrong. I'm now married to said partner and aware of my mental health. But I needed someone on the outside to show me how to move forward, as I was repeating the same patterns over and over again until a professional gave me the tools to make some new ones. (Went to a master NLP practitioner just FYI as I would have been dead by the time I got an appointment for CBT from Health Services, but that's another story.) All the love in the world from my partner could never have given me that.

turn2me.org

Hi OP,

My name is Eoin O'Shea and I am a counselling psychologist working at Turn2me, an online mental health organisation (www.turn2me.org)

A Boards moderator recently brought a post of yours to my attention (as part of a collaborative support arrangement which Turn2me has with Boards.ie). It's very clear that your girlfriend has been having a very hard time lately. I can especially appreciate that the very symptoms of her depression - social withdrawal, sense of worthlessness, and low mood, are making it all the more difficult to do the very things which might - over time - actually lead to some recovery for her. This is the vicious cycle of depression.

It also sounds that you've been there for her throughout the depression (which has made things difficult for most of your relationship together). For quite a young man (hope that doesn't sounds condescending), you're to be commended for your efforts - despite what she says when she's feeling very low, I can only imagine that you're a great support for her.

What I would like to say is that we can provide anonymous support at Turn2me should your girlfriend wish to avail of our support forums, take part in our Online Support Groups which run every day, or use any of the other features at our site.

All of the above are free services for you and other (adult) members of the public as our organisation is supported by the HSE through the National Office for Suicide Prevention (NOSP).

She can also apply for free online counselling - up to eight sessions - with a professional counsellor. All she needs to do is apply online at: https://www.turn2me.org/engage and we can take things from there.

Please invite your girlfriend to contact us if she might have an interest in this. In the meantime, you can both visit our site whenever you like.

I wish you the very best and hope to hear from you soon,

Eoin

FurBabyMomma

That's a great offer from Eoin, I hope both you and your girlfriend take him up in his offer of support. Good luck to the both of you Op x