i can't make him stop but can i make him understand?

LegacyUser

long term boardsie, anon for this. i know this can be a contensious issue so i hope i'm not going to get flamed too badly. my husband has a problem with porn. i think there's a difference between using and abusing, idle curiousity and full blown obsession, and he has a problem.

we've been to marriage councelling a few years ago where the councellor tried to point us in the direction of acknowledging that his porn addiction was one of the biggest problems in the marriage, and he agreed to stop. we stopped going to the sessions instead. fast forward a bit and we tried a sex therapist, who reckoned his addiction to porn was our biggest hurdle as far as intimacy was concerned. he agreed to stop but we stopped going to her instead. next up was a holiday, during which we managed to have sex. afterwards, both very emotional, i tried to explain that one of the reasons i find it so hard to be rejected sexually by him is that i feel i'm in constant competition with the porn. he agreed to stop, and that we'd have sex more often. the next morning, back at home, i woke up to find him not in bed, but in the sitting room watching porn and masturbating. that was tough.

as it stands today he disappears into the bathroom ''for a shower'' with his phone for over an hour at a time, sometimes i can hear him, sometimes he's quiet. he gets up earlier than i do and spends a while at it in the mornings. i cry a lot. i try and be intimate with him but he turns away. today he left windows open and i found a dating site, and a photo sharing site he's signed up to both. i don't have much energy for this left in me and i'm at a complete loss what to do. i'm so lost. what do i do next?

LegacyUser

sadwife wrote: »

what do i do next?

Leave. Sorry if that sounds drastic but it doesn't sound like he wants to change his lifestyle even though he is more then aware of the suffering it's causing you and your relationship. I have no issue with anyone consuming porn, hell I enjoy watching and reading it from time to time but like everything there is healthy consumption and addiction. The fact that he is rejecting you in favor of the porn would have me packing a bag and walking out the door. As you've already gone down the counselling route there is no point in suggesting it so your left with stay and make do or leave.

I would pack a bag and walk, don't tell him till your walking out the door, it's not something you try and use as a threat to make him stop, you need to actually leave. Tell him if he has any interest in saving your relationship that he agrees to counselling but even if he does agree to the sessions you don't move back in. You attend the sessions together and work on the relationship, try dating again and if/when you feel you've made some positive steps you might move back in.

But be ready OP for him to just let you walk out and you'll known the relationship is not worth saving and you move on with your life.

Merkin

Have you considered ending the marriage?

endacl

^^
This. I'd usually try supporting the relationship. Your husband has rejected change.

LegacyUser

i hadn't to be honest. i thought this was something we could get through. my self esteem is completely shot over all this, i cannot even begin to think i'd be strong enough to leave him. if i sound cold here as i'm typing it's that i'm hyperventilating with the crying. today's not been a good day.

LegacyUser

Normally OP, I would try recommend further help for couple in a situation like this, but jesus OP how have you put up with this for so long?

Your confidence must be battered at this stage

Seriously I normally wouldnt jump to such a conclusion but I really agree with Merkin here.

You have both tried to get the issues sorted, but here you are writing this thread and honestly your husband sounds like he has a serious, serious addiction to porn.

I know he tells you he'll stop etc. but does he actually realise how badly he's hurting you?

Does he even care that you feel like ****??

Sorry OP, I cannot for the life of me feel positive outcome for you and your husband

Taltos

OP - like any addiction he needs to hit rock bottom. You cannot force him to change - only he can do that.
For your own sake you have to get out of there, he might change but realistically you cannot count on that.

Alf. A. Male

Hard and all as it might be for you to leave, he has already done so and you're in the marriage on your own. I would predict that ending it fully will eventually do you a lot of good and may also help him, but your primary concern should be you and doing what's necessary to get out, get healed and start again when you're ready.

Merkin

Porn should only ever be in addition to or an enhancement of a healthy sex life. When it starts replacing sex then there is a BIG problem. That, accompanied with his flat-out refusal to seek help while totally disregarding you in the marriage makes this a very serious issue where he has to want to get better and where he wants the marriage to work.

Like Taltos says, with any addiction, a person has to reach absolute rock bottom before invoking help and if that means him losing his wife and home because of it (I'd be kicking him out) then so be it. You can't in all honesty continue as is, it's totally untenable and extremely damaging.

I don't know how you've put up with it this long, you poor girl.

LegacyUser

wow. wasn't expecting so many posters to be in agreement, i'm still crying and now i can't really breathe. me leaving would be difficult for a few reasons, the main one being i don't really have anywhere to go, and i have no money.

on the issue itself, when it comes to a crescendo like it has in the past he does seem to be able to recognise how much it hurts me. he's not that good an actor that he can put that on, believe me. but it's like he hears the words and recognises them and understands things need to change but there's a step missing where he REALLY understands, does that make sense?

he has huge issues surrounding his esteem and sexual communication. i suppose it's taken until today to realise that i've gone from a bubbly outgoing sexually confident woman to the withering wreck i am now typing this. that's been a bit of a shock, i think i'm more in shock at that realisation than at the fact he's still looking at porn.

if i try and find somewhere to stay it won't be today or tomorrow, i only have one friend and she's away till the end of the week and i'd have to ask him for money. so what do i do tonight? he'll be late this evening so i have a few hours till he gets home.

Rhotheta

sadwife wrote: »

long term boardsie, anon for this. i know this can be a contensious issue so i hope i'm not going to get flamed too badly. my husband has a problem with porn. i think there's a difference between using and abusing, idle curiousity and full blown obsession, and he has a problem.

we've been to marriage councelling a few years ago where the councellor tried to point us in the direction of acknowledging that his porn addiction was one of the biggest problems in the marriage, and he agreed to stop. we stopped going to the sessions instead. fast forward a bit and we tried a sex therapist, who reckoned his addiction to porn was our biggest hurdle as far as intimacy was concerned. he agreed to stop but we stopped going to her instead. next up was a holiday, during which we managed to have sex. afterwards, both very emotional, i tried to explain that one of the reasons i find it so hard to be rejected sexually by him is that i feel i'm in constant competition with the porn. he agreed to stop, and that we'd have sex more often. the next morning, back at home, i woke up to find him not in bed, but in the sitting room watching porn and masturbating. that was tough.

as it stands today he disappears into the bathroom ''for a shower'' with his phone for over an hour at a time, sometimes i can hear him, sometimes he's quiet. he gets up earlier than i do and spends a while at it in the mornings. i cry a lot. i try and be intimate with him but he turns away. today he left windows open and i found a dating site, and a photo sharing site he's signed up to both. i don't have much energy for this left in me and i'm at a complete loss what to do. i'm so lost. what do i do next?

As someone who has also suffered addiction to porn I think your husband needs professional help. It's an addiction, google TED Masturbation addiction.

Your husband needs to get help, not to be dumped. If he want agree to getting help then I agree you should part ways.

Alf. A. Male

Rhotheta wrote: »

Your husband needs to get help, not to be dumped. If he want agree to getting help then I agree you should part ways.

sadwife wrote: »

we've been to marriage councelling.... he agreed to stop but we stopped going to her instead.

That's happened twice with two different therapists.

LegacyUser

sadwife wrote: »

i cannot even begin to think i'd be strong enough to leave him.

Are you strong enough to stay in a relationship like this for another year? 10 years? 30 years? Really think about this OP, that road only has two outcomes either you stay as you are which clearly you don't want or he will leave you at some point and you think your self esteem is low now imagine that happening. He does not have an attachment to you otherwise he wouldn't do this to you so he wouldn't have any issue walking away. He has no reason to change.

I know it's hard to take the first step but all you need to do is take that first step.

LegacyUser

Rhotheta wrote: »

As someone who has also suffered addiction to porn I think your husband needs professional help. It's an addiction, google TED Masturbation addiction.

Your husband needs to get help, not to be dumped. If he want agree to getting help then I agree you should part ways.

As pointed out its the husband that needs to make the choice to get help for himself, the OP needs to look after her own well being right now as this is clearly taking a massive toll on her. She's tried taking to him but he didn't change, they did go for marriage counselling and the husband choose to stop going so now the OP needs to get help for herself. She can decide if she wants to be a support for her husband in the future if he does opt to seek treatment but what exactly would you suggest she do at this exact moment in time when she's sitting at a computer crying and pouring her heart out to strangers on the internet when the man who is meant to love her is treating like this? I feel sorry for him as clearly he has an addiction that needs treatment but the OP cannot force him to change.

MissFlitworth

sadwife wrote: »

if i try and find somewhere to stay it won't be today or tomorrow, i only have one friend and she's away till the end of the week and i'd have to ask him for money. so what do i do tonight? he'll be late this evening so i have a few hours till he gets home.

Don't panic, you don't need to pack your bags and run out the door straight away if you're going to end your relationship. You need to think about where you are going to go and how you are going to support yourself. Do you have an income? If not you need to get that sorted before leaving the home even if your relationship is over. Do you think it will be an amicable seperation, could you stay in the same house at least for a while, while you get things sorted for yourself?

You don't have to tell your husband straight away that you think your relationship is over, you've been to counselling so it isn't like you are hiding your unhappiness. You're not lying or being a bad person by taking some time to make sure you'll be ok when you seperate. Don't accidentally make yourself homeless.

Beal Tuille

Can you not issue an ultimatum to him or are you so disgusted with his behaviour that even if he says he will stop you cannot ever see again the man that you fell in love with? From what you are saying he is totally oblivious to your feelings so it may be a waste of time. Is the porn of a extreme type (I won't define it here) or is he looking at things that you will not consider in the bedroom but that others consider and do partake in? It may not matter at this stage but you need to drill down before you take the ultimate step.

I wish you well.

LegacyUser

no, i'm not rushing into actually leaving him in the sense of leaving the marriage, i just mean sitting here in this house at the moment i need to breathe. i need time out, i need to get my thoughts together, i need a night or two on my own so i can calm myself and work out how to move forward. i don't have any income, please don't press me on that as i can't give too much detail on here.

on the professional help thing i begged him to see someone on his own, that if he couldn't work on the issues with me in the room could he do it on his own, in his own time. he can acknowlege that he has issues around sex but i think he puts it off long enough for it to be buried under the carpet and then hopes it's all forgotten. this is usually the time the porn consumption increases again.

i do love him. it's hard sometimes when this issue comes up again and again but i do love him, he's not a bad man just a lost one i think. but now, sitting here when he's due home in a few hours i can't think of him as a man, all i can think of him is as a teenager boy with a porn addiction. i don't want to be married to a ''teenager'', i want to be married to a man i can respect who doesn't lie to me.

lilsparkle69

Op- I'm sure you're going through an awful time, but I think you should sit down with him and tell exactly how you feel. Do you think he would put up, if it was the other way round and you were choosing porn over him?

You have been through a lot, counselling and having to deal with low self esteem. It doesn't look like he wants to change, and that hes clearly addicted.

LegacyUser

are there any specific organisations that deal with it here in ireland? i've tried searching but can't find anything. when i do go i want to leave him as much information for him as i can find, i know he won't look otherwise. anyway i've decided i'm not going to say anything tonight. i know it needs to be dealt with as soon as possible but i'm just not strong enough today. you've all definitely opened my eyes though, i don't know what it was that prompted me to post here but if i hadn't i'd probably just have let it slip by again like all the other times. is it a power thing? does he feel that he's got some power over me by disregarding all the other times this has been a problem? he has power over me in other aspect of the relationship, i've let that continue. i see that now.

Sgt Pepper 64

He is a clear addict.
And I'm afraid that tough action is required for addicts.

Don't listen to the nonsense about ending your marriage.
I would advise sitting down with him and demand that he attends counselling again and research it carefully to get a good one.
You both need to understand WHY he uses porn.

If he refuses then HE needs to leave the family home until he is ready to take your relationship seriously

That will wake him up

But his addiction is NOTHING to do with your attractiveness or you personally.
Its an deep underlying problem with HIS personality.
Could be stress at work, something from his childhood, but it is NOT you
and its important you understand that.

It is cureable

best of luck

Rhotheta

Alf. A. Male wrote: »

That's happened twice with two different therapists.

Are these therapists aware of porn addiction?

LegacyUser

rhotheta yes, they are the ones that identified it was such a problem. i had identified it, i mean. but they were able to see from the outside. i've asked him all the questions at why he uses so much of it, it goes back to when he was a teenager he says. when we got together first i never noticed it, did he hid it better? the kind of stuff he looks at is ''teen''. i've always been very open about talking about sex. nothing sexual has been taboo as far as fantasies go, it's not as if i'd say no to anything he'd want to try and he knows that. the teen thing does disturb me i will admit, to me it seems like those are the kinds of girls he fancied when he was that age himself and he might never have gotten past that stage. is that possible? i might have satisifed that need for a while but i think he finds it easier to be aroused by these teenage girls than by a grown woman. this is tough, typing this out by the way.

Magicmatilda

Addiction is a progressive illness. It gets worse over time. An addict does it, whatever it is, because they cannot not do it. For me I could not cope with life without drinking, to stop drinking I had to learn other, healthier ways abd I did. Only because I wanted to and was ready to. There is an organisation in Ireland called SLA - sex and love addicts, I don't have any contact details though. The first and most important thing for you to realise is that this is not about you, it is nothing to do with you or how you are or look. You need to mind yourself. I think it is a good idea that you ask him to leave but if he will not then you need to make a plan. Do you have friends or family that can help you? Can you contact women's aid, I know there is no physical abuse but there may be financial abuse I.e. He controls all the money. I wish you all the best. If you get through this you will be so much the stronger for it. You will give yourself the gift of a new life.

Sgt Pepper 64

sadwife wrote: »

rhotheta yes, they are the ones that identified it was such a problem. i had identified it, i mean. but they were able to see from the outside. i've asked him all the questions at why he uses so much of it, it goes back to when he was a teenager he says. when we got together first i never noticed it, did he hid it better? the kind of stuff he looks at is ''teen''. i've always been very open about talking about sex. nothing sexual has been taboo as far as fantasies go, it's not as if i'd say no to anything he'd want to try and he knows that. the teen thing does disturb me i will admit, to me it seems like those are the kinds of girls he fancied when he was that age himself and he might never have gotten past that stage. is that possible? i might have satisifed that need for a while but i think he finds it easier to be aroused by these teenage girls than by a grown woman. this is tough, typing this out by the way.

Its not arousal as such its addiction.
Please do not think it is ANYTHING to do with you personally

What is porn addiction?

Similar to someone with a chemical or substance addiction, porn addicts tend to replace important relationships and commitments with their “drug” of choice: pornography. Non-Internet porn addicts can be found in places like strip clubs and adult bookstores, but it is unlikely that they have a strip club addiction or an adult bookstore addiction, but rather that they have consistent and compulsive sexual problems that manifest in different ways.
Pornography addicts tend to isolate themselves when engaging in their sexual acting out. They can typically spend many hours or even days lost in two-dimensional images and experiences. Some also lose time to Internet addictions such as online fantasy games and/or gambling sites.
Nonsexual Internet addiction can also be painfully isolating, causing real life consequences for the person addicted to online gambling or fantasy games, but Internet porn addiction also carries a moral stigma and the likelihood that important love and sex relationships will be negatively affected.
While some sex and porn addicts use compulsive masturbation as a part of their acting out, others engage only minimally in the sex act itself but nonetheless end up lose themselves to the endless sexual images and sites found online.
Some signs of porn addiction can include:

• An inability to stop the behavior(s) and porn use despite previous attempts to do so
• Anger or irritability if asked to stop
• Hiding or attempting to keep secret all or a part of the porn use
• Living a double or secret life related to porn
• Continuing the behavior despite obvious consequences, such as a relationship or job loss
• Getting lost in the problem porn use (i.e., spending more time than intended, losing time)

Getting Better

Recovery from porn addiction requires honesty and outreach. For those addicted to porn and sexual acting out, honesty begins by finding someone knowledgeable working with sexual addiction and admitting entire the problem to them without omitting the embarrassing or humiliating parts. Such people can be found in the 12-step sexual recovery meetings and through professional organizations such as SASH and IITAP, which have listings of sexual addiction specialists. The Sexual Recovery Institute specializes in the treatment of pornography addiction, and we offer a confidential assessment to help you move to the next step.
Getting help with porn addiction can feel shameful, embarrassing, or humiliating, but those feelings have to be tolerated when the greater concern is that the pornography addictions will significantly interfere in the life of the sex addict or in the lives of those they love.
The sex addict involved in internet porn addiction often has to arrive at to his or her own conclusion to make a change, a decision that often comes a lot later than their partners would like or can tolerate.
Porn addiction help tips

Below are listed a few tips for dealing with porn addiction:

• Talking about the issues in detail with a trusted friend or therapist who will be as honest with you as you are honest with them.
• Making an addiction prevention plan to carry out when tempted (see Sexual Sobriety)
• Putting tracking devices on your smartphone and computer so others (best not a spouse) can monitor your online behavior
• Knowing the signs of porn addiction, both the general signs and those specific to you
• Knowing the stages of porn addiction
• Making good use of porn addiction resources such as 12-step meetings, sex addiction professionals, and online recovery support groups

LegacyUser

sgt pepper, that's been very helpful. and to the other poster as well. deep down i can see that it's not about me as much as the addiction itself, but still it's hard when you're a grown woman with a healthy appetite for sex to have a husband who'd rather look at girls 20 years younger than you on the web. i don't think i'm able to deal with that myself yet. it's in real life as well though, he's always making a point of gawking at young women when we're out in public. that hurts. any previous partner has at least had the manners to not make it as noticable. other people have noticed it too but i always covered up for him. god i feel like such a fool today.

homemadecider

Was he like this before you got married? Did you discuss it before going through with the wedding?

username123

OP, as the child of an addict (alcohol), you need to stand back and stop trying to "fix" him. Only he can help himself. There is absolutely no point in you expending energy in getting information about porn addiction to leave behind when you go as he won't look for the info. No point at all. If he can't even be bothered to look for the info, what use is it you leaving it for him? You cannot make him help himself.

You would be far better off using your energy to help the one person you do have control over - YOU.

You need to set plans to allow you to leave your marriage. Talk to women's aid. Talk to citizens information. Find out your entitlements as a separated woman with no income. Look at getting a job. Have you family you can go to? What about ending the relationship and asking him to leave the family home?

You don't need to leave right now. Your marriage is effectively over, a few more days/weeks of you laying plans is not going to change that.

Sgt Pepper 64

username123 wrote: »

OP, as the child of an addict (alcohol), you need to stand back and stop trying to "fix" him. Only he can help himself. There is absolutely no point in you expending energy in getting information about porn addiction to leave behind when you go as he won't look for the info. No point at all. If he can't even be bothered to look for the info, what use is it you leaving it for him? You cannot make him help himself.

You would be far better off using your energy to help the one person you do have control over - YOU.

You need to set plans to allow you to leave your marriage. Talk to women's aid. Talk to citizens information. Find out your entitlements as a separated woman with no income. Look at getting a job. Have you family you can go to? What about ending the relationship and asking him to leave the family home?

You don't need to leave right now. Your marriage is effectively over, a few more days/weeks of you laying plans is not going to change that.

I totally disagree. How dare you say that her marriage is effectively over?
Is that really helping?
The marriage is in a tough place but only the OP can decide if its over.

Addiction is a disease, and a curable one

Sometimes people fight for their marriages and the addict needs support as much as the other half.
No doubt you have strong feelings, but that was unique to your situation.
Please don't implore someone else to end a marriage based on different circumstances.

LegacyUser

before we married there was no issue. i didn't see one anyway. we were happy, and sexual with each other. and i don't know if the marriage is over, not yet. i do know i need some space and time away out of this house. i just feel trapped and breathless here at the moment, i need to get my head together i think. i sort of disagree with not having a list of places that might be able to help him though. i can't make him ring them and ask for help but i can let him see there's help out there can't i?

username123

sadwife wrote: »

i sort of disagree with not having a list of places that might be able to help him though. i can't make him ring them and ask for help but i can let him see there's help out there can't i?

But it's not your responsibility to resolve this for him. He is an adult. He is capable of researching this for himself. You're not his mammy.

You are hoping that if you leave the info he will sort things out. At some point you have to actually step away and allow him to take responsibility for himself. If an addict doesn't do it for themselves then they are setting themselves up for failure from the start. What you want to do is a perfectly normal reaction to an addict by the way, but it's the wrong way to help. If he wants to deal with his addiction he must take those steps himself, otherwise he is only doing it to please you, and that's not dealing with the addiction, it's trying to keep you quiet.

You need to deal with the here and now. Leave, get space. There is no law saying you can't go back and revisit your marriage if he sorts out his addiction, but right now, it's game over. Two sets of counselling and him refusing to change a thing. That's all you need to know. Staying is only damaging yourself.

fupduck

i hadn't to be honest. i thought this was something we could get through. my self esteem is completely shot over all this, i cannot even begin to think i'd be strong enough to leave him. if i sound cold here as i'm typing it's that i'm hyperventilating with the crying. today's not been a good day.

I didn't think that I would be strong enough to cope with marriage breakdown either, turned out .......it was a hell of a lot easier than staying around and doing the 'right' thing, Look after yourself, and be kind and gentle to yourself , you cannot change somebody else's behaviour

fupduck

are there any specific organisations that deal with it here in ireland? i've tried searching but can't find anything. when i do go i want to leave him as much information for him as i can find, i know he won't look otherwise. anyway i've decided i'm not going to say anything tonight. i know it needs to be dealt with as soon as possible but i'm just not strong enough today. you've all definitely opened my eyes though, i don't know what it was that prompted me to post here but if i hadn't i'd probably just have let it slip by again like all the other times. is it a power thing? does he feel that he's got some power over me by disregarding all the other times this has been a problem? he has power over me in other aspect of the relationship, i've let that continue. i see that now.

Your comment about power hit a nerve with me, obviously I dont know anything about your situation, other than what you have said here, but for a long time, I was the mammy, at home, raising the kids, with a partner who did not see this as any kind of valuable input into the relationship,and for the life of me, I just could not get him to understand, that if I wasn't at home taking care of EVERYTHING, he could not afford to run the home and raise our kid's on his salary.

I saw my input as equal to our homelife and relationship, all he saw was' i'm the breadwinner, you do nothing to bring in cash' , I wonder if this perceived lack of power also is at play in your situation?
Is it possible for you to get a part -time position? a job share? a CE scheme? you may find that with interests outside the home that you begin to re-discover the woman you feel you were, and this in turn can take the 'spotlight' off one particular issue as you feel yourself becoming more fulfilled.

Please take this post in the spirit that it is meant, because I really do understand , I have been there, but I am a long time single , and have only recently found myself again (I know, I know! it sounds totally corny! ) like I said earlier, be kind to yourself xxx

retro:electro

OP there is rarely a post here that affects me as much as yours has. I don't know why as I can't relate to it or anything but I can tell you're exhausted, I can feel it coming from your posts. I really hope your husband can get the help he needs, you sound like a lovely woman who has put up with more than her fair share.
It's good that you have an objective perspective and know that his addiction is separate from his feelings for you but that still mustn't make it any less hurtful. I really wish you all the best

LegacyUser

strange how you can read so much between the words of my posts, a lot of what you've guessed is true. i am exhausted, and i am no longer myself. because of the porn but also the marriage itself i suppose. there's another thread in this forum at the moment where the poster has mentioned control over money and that's a factor, too. reading her post was so hard i wanted to reply but couldn't, i could have written some of the posts myself. i'm so grateful for your replies today, it's been such a hard thing admitting a lot of things to myself and seeeing them in black and white. i do believe he can break this addiction, i hope he can. those links have been very helpful.

Wulfie

cant log in wrote: »

Leave. o

👆☝ I couldn't disagree more.

I wouldn't normally try to give advice in this section.
I read the op and felt I really wish I could help.

KICK the TOSSER OUT . It might sink and in that you and your love is the most important thing he's lost. Let him try to find some place to w@%k all day and night.

He will soon enough be begging you to take him back. If he doesn't you will eventually get on with a sane life,I hope.
Kick him out , get a protection order. Start by giving him one month to sort himself out. Then give him another month away until your sure you want to give him a chance.

I hope someone else has given better advice than the first reply. I skimmed through what was given as his /her advice,by no means should you leave IMHO. That's just my opinion, I'm no expert.

Wulfie

sadwife wrote: »

i hadn't to be honest. i thought this was something we could get through. my self esteem is completely shot over all this, i cannot even begin to think i'd be strong enough to leave him. if i sound cold here as i'm typing it's that i'm hyperventilating with the crying. today's not been a good day.

That's very sad. Making me cry . I'm a man I have watched porn and am currently living away from the woman I love.
If I could watch porn on my phone,I might. I'm no saint. This windows phone doesn't allow porn .😇.
You could smash his phone and make him get one of these. Then kick him out. Good luck.

Ring4Fea

To be blunt, have either of you, both of you been assessed to see if either/both/neither of you fall under the diagnostic purview of Borderline Personality Character Disorder?

Having read the entire thread this seems like a massive DSM IV ( and now DSM V) elephant in the room. Statistically at least 5 people in this thread are BPCD, have dated someone with it or are related to someone with it. And thus know it's part in scenarios as described by sadwife.

Also, though I am loathe to broach this, are certain non vanilla erotic activities a major part of your matrimonial turmoil, here? Is there a glint in his eye when certain jokes on How I Met Your Mother or 2 and a Half Men come up?

You can't discuss and debate erotic compulsion without directly addressing what is being compulsed over. That's the elephant in the room. Whether you stay or leave, you'll have to shoot Babar in the arse with a tranq dart.

Taltos

Wulfie - as you are new here we are letting this slide but please have a read of our charter. Suggesting to someone to intentionally destroy another's property is not on here. Keep the advice constructive but above all else legal. Thakns.

Ring4Fea - similarly welcome to PI/RI. Anymore couch diagnoses and we will have no option but to start issuing warnings/infractions or bans. Please take some time also to read our charter as we have as close to a zero tolerance as you can get without being absolute on this and other rule breaches here.

Thanks all
Taltos

Wulfie

Taltos wrote: »

Wulfie - as you are new here we are letting this slide but please have a read of our charter. Suggesting to someone to intentionally destroy another's property is not on here. Keep the advice constructive but above all else legal. Thakns.

Ring4Fea - similarly welcome to PI/RI. Anymore couch diagnoses and we will have no option but to start issuing warnings/infractions or bans. Please take some time also to read our charter as we have as close to a zero tolerance as you can get without being absolute on this and other rule breaches here.

Thanks all
Taltos

Ok,sorry. I would suggest his access to porn be taken away.

I wouldn't take advice from myself,especially if it were given at silly o clock. <Mod snip>

Sgt Pepper 64

sadwife wrote: »

before we married there was no issue. i didn't see one anyway. we were happy, and sexual with each other. and i don't know if the marriage is over, not yet. i do know i need some space and time away out of this house. i just feel trapped and breathless here at the moment, i need to get my head together i think. i sort of disagree with not having a list of places that might be able to help him though. i can't make him ring them and ask for help but i can let him see there's help out there can't i?

Why should you be the one to leave?
It would send a clearer message if you could ask HIM to leave, otherwise he will just continue I fear, but if he is confronted with the reality of losing you AND his home, that may still him into action

Merkin

Your posts make for very sad reading OP. I reiterate what I said about your husband being an addict however and addicts have to more or less be in the gutter before they go and seek help. You keep talking about being supportive and wanting to help and assisting him in beating this but you might as well bang your head repeatedly against a brick wall for all the good it will do as any recovery and rehabilitation has to come from deep within himself and he sounds like he's a long way away from reaching that point.

So from a purely practical point of view, what is your next step? You need to start on the road to self sufficiency which in turn will improve your choices. You need to get yourself into a position whereby you can leave easily when you're ready. You are going to feel trapped while wholly dependent on him financially so for that reason I would a. start spiriting away some housekeeping money into your own separate account and b. I would go and find a job. Are you trained in anything? How long is it since you have worked? If you even go and find work in a shop or elderly care or anything to start you working again then you need to do it.

I personally think that when you are ready to move out it will do one of two things. It will finally be the wake up call that this man needs to see that he could potentially lose everything by carrying on the way he is OR he has a lot further to fall and he could carry on the way he is for years. Either way, it makes moving out and starting on your own a good idea.

Gather your thoughts m'dear and start working on a strategy to get out of there and build a new life for yourself.

logic

whatever your next step is regarding your husband I think I should look at getting yourself some counseling as soon as possible. You have been through a lot and you are still going through it. This is taking its toll on you. It will do you good to talk about this and help you through this though time. You sound like an absolutely lovely person, understanding and selfless, I really hope it all works out for you.

Taltos

OP from a personal perspective - a family member was in your position but with a lot more years married and two children. Otherwise what you describe matches 100% except the children were also witness to it.
She rather rashly decided that it was over and left the house very rapidly. To say things were difficult would be an understatement.

First things first - keep your own council in regards to staying or leaving. Get some professional advice (legal) and basically get prepared in case you do decide to end it. On a positive note it is a few years down the line - my family member is much happier, continually broke, but now seeing a decent chap who funnily enough is also always broke but I haven't seen her this genuinely happy in a long long time. Sometimes the pain is worth it but again if you do decide to call time do so in an informed manner where you know your rights and what things you should not just do (eg move out of the family home).

LegacyUser

Sgt Pepper 64 wrote: »

Addiction is a disease, and a curable one

There is no cure for addiction. It's manageable but not curable and as mentioned several times already only the husband can make the choice to get treatment.

Telling the OP to leave does not have to mean the end her marriage, for her own health she needs to put distance between herself and her OH as clearly it's causing her great distress. She can still be there for him and offer support but the current situation has to change even if all the OP does is move into spare room. The husband needs to see that his addiction is effecting her and her talking to him has already been tried and failed. They've gone down the counseling route together, the OP is in danger of getting stuck in a circle and getting more and more depressed.

My mother suffers from an addiction, sober 20 years, and my parents marriage came close to break down. My dad moved into the spare bedroom and started counseling and going to support groups for himself. He stopped trying to 'save' my mum and focused on himself and his kids. For a period after he made this move things did get worse but eventual my mum got help for her addiction and my parents are still together. No one can promise you'll be able to save your marriage or that your OH will ever make the choice to get treatment but you need to look after yourself first OP before you start trying to look after someone else.

Sgt Pepper 64

I found this guy form a google search

<Mod snip - no recommendations please, the OP can do a similar search if warranted. Thanks>

LegacyUser

thanks again for your replies. you're right in that i haven't been thinking very practically about this, it's all been very raw. so thank you for that advice. i did some more searching last night and found an excellent site that deals with the wives and girlfriends of porn addicts. so many things on there that rang true i almost feel stupid for not looking for this sooner but it's easier to believe the lies that the person you love tells you. i do need distance at the moment but i also want to save our marriage. unfortunately being self sufficient here is not an option, i would have to move to a different city i just don't know if i'm ready or strong enough for that yet. spiriting away housekeeping isn't an option either i'm afraid, i don't have any access to it. some more planning and time i think before i do anything but please accept my thanks. i now know i'm allowed to do something about this situation and that means a lot.

Merkin

sadwife wrote: »

unfortunately being self sufficient here is not an option, i would have to move to a different city i just don't know if i'm ready or strong enough for that yet. spiriting away housekeeping isn't an option either i'm afraid, i don't have any access to it. some more planning and time i think before i do anything but please accept my thanks. i now know i'm allowed to do something about this situation and that means a lot.

Why can't you find a job where you live? Is it that he won't allow you to work?

And why don't you have any access to funds? How do you manage on a day-to-day basis for money? How do you buy clothes and stuff you want for yourself?

LegacyUser

jobs just aren't an option, i would have to move. please please please believe me. i'm being as truthful as open as i can on here. i don't buy anything day to day. any toiletries or tampons or things are bought along with the weekly shopping that he pays for. i get clothes if there's something big coming up or sometimes at christmas. i rarely leave the house any more now anyway so clothes and fashion aren't that important to me. i don't have any financial independance, i see that now. but as i said before that only really hit me when i read that other lady's thread. i'm sounding more and more pathetic, i do realise that. how could i have let myself get to this state? but it's only when you stop and turn around and look behind you, that you see things. sorry that's so muddled but my head is still all over the place today.

Starokan

Such a difficult time you are going through OP, can you save your marriage , of course you can but saving it should be on your terms. It seems to me that in many ways you are being totally controlled by your partner , there is no good in saving the marriage on this basis.

You mentioned having to ask him for money , you should not have to , a marriage is an equal partnership regardless of who is the breadwinner, I would suggest you request a joint account from which you can draw without having to make a request.

Any addiction is like a disease , if he will not seek help then this can never end. Insist again he seeks it .

You need to regain control and and the only way you can do this is by mentally preparing yourself for the fact that someday you may have to leave him. You cannot go on as you are or you will one day realise that you completely wasted your life. If he truly loves you he will not want you to go and will work with you to improve things. If he is prepared to let you walk away then as hard as it may be for you initially, you will in the long term be better off.

Taltos

sadwife wrote: »

i don't have any financial independance, i see that now. but as i said before that only really hit me when i read that other lady's thread. i'm sounding more and more pathetic, i do realise that. how could i have let myself get to this state? but it's only when you stop and turn around and look behind you, that you see things. sorry that's so muddled but my head is still all over the place today.

Stop giving yourself a hard time.
It's the nature of this type of abuse that it is slow and incremental. I am sure if when you first got together he proposed all these things - no job - no money - he'd pay for all - you'd have told him to get lost. Pretty sure it started very slowly, "ah sure it'll be easier if I just get the shopping".

Whether intentional or not folk like this follow a pattern. So right now what can you do?
a) Stop blaming yourself.
b) Accept that yes you are in a rotten place but that you can and will get out of there.
c) Call some of the support groups from our charter (eg http://www.womensaid.ie/ ) . Trust me when I tell you that your story will be all too familiar to them unfortunately.

You are not the last person who let love and trust blind them, and unfortunately you won't be the last. Go on - make that call and get support for yourself.

looksee

Your first little move could be to quietly but firmly move out of the bedroom. Make up a bed somewhere else in the house and just go there, if only to disrupt the routine so he has to pay attention. If he makes no move to talk or get you back then you might have to escalate, but test the water, make a bit of a stand.