Ways to improve boyfriend's self esteem?

cheddarhedd

I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now and lately it's started to bother me that whenever I compliment him looks-wise, he tried to pretend I didn't say anything or, when I press it, disagrees and changes the subject. I already had an idea that he didn't particularly like the way he looks (his weight seems to bother him and he's mentioned wanting to lose weight in the past even though it's actually fine as it is) but I've recently realised just how much he DIS-likes his looks. It's not something he's ever brought up himself, he never complains about it or looks for compliments and the only reason I've realised is because I've asked him how he sees himself and what he thinks about himself. I think he's gorgeous and I've made this very clear (to the point where I'm probably starting to overdo it now) but it makes no difference and although he's a very private person and good at hiding how he really feels - to talk to him you'd never think he had any hang ups - I think it bothers him a lot more than he lets on, and that it has for a long time. One thing I do know is that he is completely un-used to being complimented despite having had several (gorgeous) girlfriends in the past. I know changing his self esteem is something that I can't do for him, but is there anything I can do to make him realise that I'm completely genuine and that he's wrong? It's quite upsetting to think that someone I care about so much thinks so little of themselves. Any advice or perspective on this would be lovely.

Tasden

I understand that you want to let him know how amazing he is but it might just be a case of him not reacting to or acknowledging compliments in the way you want him to? But he's actually fine?

When my ex complimented me (excessively at times which would make me feel uncomfortable) I always brushed it off or said shut up or whatever, I'd still hear the compliment though and I'd know how he felt. With friends I'd always say thank you to compliments, and it drove my ex insane but that's just how I reacted to different situations.

And if you're letting on that you know he is insecure in his appearance and then complimenting him excessively it just seems disingenuous and patronising. When I had alopecia and I'd go through a bad time with it my ex would start complimenting me way too much and it just made me feel even more **** because it was basically a pity party. Not saying you're doing this but just be wary of how it might seem to him when you're constantly trying to boost his ego, it seems less like you just telling him you think he genuinely looks good in that moment and more like you feel you need to say it.

That's just my opinion though, I could be completely wrong, you know him better than me

LegacyUser

My bf is the exact same, he literally cannot take compliments as he is very unhappy with his weight, so I actually don't compliment him often (i know that sounds bad)
What i did do however was encourage him in a subtle way to get out on his bike and do some exercising, I got him a punchbag for Xmas and he loves it, he comes home after work and takes stress out and is doing cardio too. He seems a lot happier in himself knowing he's doing something to change his unhappiness.
However, seeing as you're only with this dude 6 months, i would relax with the compliments. I know you're genuinely speaking the truth to him, but he obviously doesn't see himself the way you see him.
It might sound bad but some people just don't like compliments, especially if they are self conscious about themselves. But until he does something to change how he feels about himself I'm afraid that's how it's going to stay. Does he exercise? Does he honestly even need to lose weight or is he just not happy with how he looks?

LegacyUser

When I met my boyfriend he was very like yours. His self esteem was totally bound up in his appearance. He was convinced that he was overweight and not attractive at all. Ironically, he is very handsome and gets lots of attention but he is oblivious to it. I am no oil painting, he had gorgeous girlfriends but was happy with me. I complimented him, kept at it but it made no difference.

I eventually complimented his intelligence/ achievements/ skills more and more as I got to know him better. Years later, he still isn't entirely confident about his looks but he knows that I think he is amazing in many, many ways, not just the awful appearance that he sees. He does think I have awful taste in physical appearances though.

He is at the stage now where he looks back at photos of himself at the time we met and admits that he looked good/ a bit thin/ so young, etc. Compliment more than his appearance I think.

P. Breathnach

If he is uncomfortable when you compliment him about his looks, then don't do it.

You seem to believe that he needs affirmation to enable him to feel better about himself.
You can give him that affirmation in other ways. You might say you like his eyes, or that a particular jacket looks good on him, or that you appreciate his thoughtfulness when he does something kind. Just don't make it too broad, such as telling him that he is a gorgeous creature.

You could also tailor compliments so that they are not solely about him, but about you and him: "You're my kind of man!".