'Rough and Tumble' Play

Vel

Just looking to hear some thoughts/experiences.

Our five year old son is in junior infants at the moment in a mixed school. He loves school, is very eager to learn and in general seems happy and content.

He has always been a bit of a cautious child, slightly sensitive and would tend to hold back a little when confronted with new people and new situations. When it comes to playing he prefers to do so in smaller groups or even on his own and he has never really been keen on the full on, for want of a better word 'rough and tumble' kind of play that a lot of kids his age engage in. He does do it with his sister and other friends at the after school facility he goes to but he would tend to stay back on the fringes quite a bit and he feels more comfortable if there is an adult around to keep an eye on things.

As those of you with younger school going kids know, sometimes it can be hard to get information from them about how things are but from chatting to him we were getting the distinct impression that he was struggling a bit when it came to playing outside at break time and appeared to be spending a lot of it on his own as he was reluctant to join in with the running around etc.

We spoke with his teacher at the parent - teacher meeting and she confirmed what we thought. She explained that he is really engaged and interested when in the class, happy to put his hand up and answer questions, gets on really well with his classmates and that they appear to like him and want to play with him but that when it comes to playing outside he would get quite anxious and spend his time on his own hanging around by door waiting to go back in. She would encourage him to mix a little, walk around etc. and she paired him up with a few different boys who she asked to play with him.

Things have improved greatly and we check in with his teacher every now and then and she tells us that he is playing with the other children now at most break times and appears to have settled down and become more comfortable at break times. From speaking with him and tyring to glean information, it does appear to us too that things are improving.

However, there are still times when he will come home, tears will start and he will mention that 'Boy X' or 'Boy Y' was shouting at him or was a bit rough with him and that he ended up telling the teacher on them . I am confident that it is him not being comfortable with the type of play as opposed to 'Boy X' or 'Boy Y' picking on him.

I'm just wondering if anyone might have any tips on how I can make him more comfortable in these type of play situations. I don't want to change him or alter his behaviour too much as I appreciate that is just the type of child he is and there is nothing wrong with how he feels but at the same time it is something he is going to have to learn to cope with going forward and I am worried that if he doesn't learn how to join in that he will become isolated. I have told him that if he doesn't feel comfortable he should walk away/find some other kids who are playing less boisterously and I'm trying to make him understand that if the kids are shouting/pushing etc. that it is just the way some kids play and it doesn't mean they are being mean to him and that he doesn't have to tell the teacher all the time (while trying to balance that with making sure that he is comfortable telling a teacher if someone does do something mean!)

I have watched how the kids play and at the moment it is split into boys and girls and tends to be a couple of big groups of boys all charging around and there doesn't seem to be many smaller groups playing together. I am wondering as they get a bit older do they tend to pair off into smaller groups and that he may find those boys or girls to play with who also aren't into the 'rougher' types of play.

Sorry for the length of the post! It's a real rollercoaster worrying about how they are going to fit in and find their place in school where they are happy. While I don't want to interfere too much or try not to overthink it (easieer said than done!) I would like to be able to equip him with the skills to deal with it without isolating himself and I'm not sure how to do that a present

dockleaf

My daughter, the eldest, was the same. She didn't like getting dirty or physical play, a bit shy, and found the playtimes in school hard.

I think its probably harder on boys, because naturally some of the boys will be more into rough and tumble play anyway.

But what worked for us was starting her in some activities with a bit of rough and tumble- so we started her in Camogie and horseriding. She absolutely loves both and we now have a child who would live in horse smelling filthy clothes falling off horses all day long if allowed! Camogie is great as a team sport because they are supervised, and play is introduced gradually.

Being good in those sports has given her great confidence and she will still hang back from roughness in the school yard but it doesn't bother her- she will just laugh at it and join in with other things. Also we made a real effort to have play dates and birthday parties, and that has allowed her to make lots of friends.

I wonder could a team sport help your son? Also I find play dates are great for encouraging friendships, and that translates across into school time.

Vel

Hi Dockleaf,

Thanks so much for the reply. He is the same as your daughter was about getting dirty, although he is getting better! I like the fact that he is sensitive, into his school work and am comfortable with him not being that sterotypical rough and tumble kind of boy but I do think it is harder for these boys in the general scheme of things. His dad is a self-confessed introvert who is very happy in his own company and isn't comfortable in large group situations and our son is similar but his dad had a hard time in school as a result and we want to try to avoid the pattern repeating itself.

He has been to a few birthday parties and they were hit and miss! He was happier going to the ones in the kid's houses rather than the ones in the play centres but we made him go and pushed him out of his comfort zone a bit and after initially being upset, he seemed to be enjoying himself when we returned to pick him up.

He has been on a couple of playdates and we intend to keep them up. He is very happy in smaller groups and has no problem going to other kid's houses and getting stuck in.

I am definetley considering some kind of group activity/sport. I know that this will push him completely out of his comfort zone but I think it is something we need to explore and like your daughter he may end up enjoying it more than we could imagine. Are there any activities that anyone would recommend for a kid like this? He's not really interested in football and can be a bit clumsy at times.

At the moment he isn't self-concious about any of this but we are aware that there will come a time when he will be and may feel excluded at playtime so I'd like to equip him with some skills to give him the best possible chance to be involved, without forcing him to do anything he really isn't comfortable with

dockleaf

I'm no expert, just another parent feeling my way through! I guess you have to look at what is available in your area- no point in selecting an activity which is too far away.

I know some of my friends have sons doing martial arts which seems to be great for confidence too. Or the Scouts are great because its in a group. Around us there's athletics, swimming, soccer, rugby, Gaelic, irish dancing, music etc.

My daughter is far from good at camogie, I can tell you! But you don't have to be the best- just make an effort and tbh, with enough practice you can be good at anything. The GAA is great because its low cost, usually very near, involves the local school so they always have some friends there. Our local GAA often has fun days, Cul camps etc.

My eldest is still more sensitive than her younger sibling, she's a deep thinker, artistic, a reader. All these things I love about her and just like you, we don't want to change them. Just these activities and making friends has boosted her inner confidence and that is great to see.

I have really found the playdates to be great- on a Friday after school so they don't have homework works best. We usually only invite one friend and then they get that one on one time to develop friendships. Having a birthday party and inviting the kids from the class is great, we invite all the girls, you could just invite the boys. That means that in turn your son isn't left out when it comes to other party invitations. We had the same with our daughter at that age- didn't want us to leave her at the party. That passes in a year or so- by the time he's in first class he'll be telling you to drop him at the door!

It does take time, and you do have to put in the effort- the playdates usually leave me ( and the house) looking like the wreck of the Hesperus and finding the right activities takes time. No harm in trying a few different things until he clicks.