Girl problem

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, I've had this on my mind for a while now and I'd like some advice.

I'm in first year of college, there's about 30 in my course so it's quite small. There's a girl in it that I've liked a lot since pretty much the start. We have a lot in common and get on really well. We've met up just the two of us several times, going to gigs and for a few drinks etc. I know she had a boyfriend at the start of college but they're no longer going out.

The issue is, I've heard from a friend that she's open to anything but that she's not looking for a committed relationship, which I can believe, firstly as she's very spontaneous and doesn't like to be tied down to anyone or any place, and secondly because that appears to be the way the majority of girls in first year are thinking, which is fair enough. For what it's worth, I genuinely believe something would've happened between us by now if we hadn't been doing the same course and seeing each other most days.

I'm finding this hard as I like her a lot, more than I have with any other girl I've known previously. Should I leave things as they are now and see what happens (which could be nothing as she isn't the type to make the first move), even if it leaves me confused and longing to know the truth, or tell her how I feel at the risk of ruining our current friendship and making things awkward? Any help would be greatly appreciated, thanks

Tokyo

OP,

anytime I hear the expression "I've heard from a friend...", my brain switches off, because from experience I've learned that it's complete and utter hearsay, and more often than not completely untrue. So set aside whatever your friend had heard from God-knows-where, and form your own impressions of the girl - after all, YOU are the one that sees her every day.

From the outside perspective it looks like you are in a pretty good place. You are already spending time with this girl alone, going for drinks, nights out, gigs, etc, so it sounds like she is pretty open to spending time with you, and you alone. But obviously nobody here can tell you 100% if she 'likes' you or not - you have to gauge that for yourself. What do your gut instincts tell you?

If it were me, next time there is a gig coming up that you are going to together, I'd ask her if she'd like to grab dinner and a drink together first, or if she'd just like to go straight there. It opens the gates fro her to accept your date invitation, but gives her an easy out if she's not interested, without any real awkwardness to worry about. You'll get a pretty good idea form how she responds as to whether she wants to remain friends, or is interested in something more.

Czarcasm

confused guy wrote: »

The issue is, I've heard from a friend that she's open to anything but that she's not looking for a committed relationship, which I can believe, firstly as she's very spontaneous and doesn't like to be tied down to anyone or any place, and secondly because that appears to be the way the majority of girls in first year are thinking, which is fair enough. For what it's worth, I genuinely believe something would've happened between us by now if we hadn't been doing the same course and seeing each other most days.

This is only an indicator of the real issue OP, which is that you've already formed judgements about this girl from the "opinions" of your friends, and you're prepared to believe them because they buy into what you're already thinking about her.

Could you honestly ever see yourself being able to trust this girl or feel secure in your relationship when all it would take is a word in your ear from a third party to have you think she's cheated on you or whatever.

You've both only just started college really and at your age the last thing you should be doing is rushing into relationships when you're both only in college a couple of months. You've at least a year and a half ahead of you to finish a certificate course, and another two years again if you're doing a degree course. That's four years OP, plenty of time to be meeting new people rather than getting tied down to one person.

This girl is doing it right in that she's not interested in committing to one person and more interested in having fun while she's in college, and I don't think you telling her how you feel is likely to change that.

LegacyUser

I feel the "I heard from a friend" thing is being focused in on a little too much. My friend (who knows I like this girl) was speaking to a friend of the girl (who also knows) so that's how I found out (I must stress it was done without my input, I didn't send my friend looking for info or anything :P). I don't think it should cause any trust issue as I don't know if the girl said it to her friend referring to me specifically, was speaking in general at the time, or if she said anything at all and her friend is just presuming.
I like this girl a lot more than I originally thought so I suppose it's just playing on my mind. Sometimes I think I'm not making an effort with other girls as much as I should be in college as she's always in the back of my mind, which is bad i know

Audrey34

Hi OP :-)

It sounds like you and this girl already get on great and have a good friendship which is fantastic and in my opinion is a great basis for starting a relationship.

So what if she's not into anything serious. Like u say, the majority of students in first year are the same. But it's not like ur planning on proposing!!! So I'd say go for it!!! What's the worst that can happen?? She'll turn u down, say she's not interested...be awkward for a while...you'll get over it :-)

I met my husband in college and we were friends for years b4 getting together. It's scary making the first move because there's always the fear you'll ruin the friendship but it sounds like she already has great time for you so ask her out...take a chance...life's too short ;-)

Good luck!!

LegacyUser

We went for lunch the other day and in passing I said there was a gig on next week and she was like "let's go!".. How does one know whether these are 'dates' or not when you haven't actually said the word? :O

Tokyo

OP, I honestly don't get why you are overanalysing this so much, and think that there needs to be a big label hanging off the situation with "DATE" written on it before it is so. A situation came up where you could both go to this gig, and she expressed her enthusiasm for going together. If you like her, go with her and enjoy it, if you don't like her, find a reason not to go.

P. Breathnach

OP, you are attracted to her, but are dithering. I suspect that she sees the same thing, and has taken some of the initiative.

Looper007

Czarcasm wrote: »

You've both only just started college really and at your age the last thing you should be doing is rushing into relationships when you're both only in college a couple of months. You've at least a year and a half ahead of you to finish a certificate course, and another two years again if you're doing a degree course. That's four years OP, plenty of time to be meeting new people rather than getting tied down to one person.

This girl is doing it right in that she's not interested in committing to one person and more interested in having fun while she's in college, and I don't think you telling her how you feel is likely to change that.

Good advice here O.P

I'm one of those people who are agaisn't relationship's forming between classmates in the same College courses, I've seen it first hand with myself and friends (male and female), it just leads to a ton of trouble when they go wrong and usually divides the whole class. Any arguments that happen in College courses are over someone meeting someone else on a drunken night out or over a relationship that breaks up between classmates.

You are young, just enjoy your time with this girl as a good friend, not worth risking it if the girl isn't interested in committing fully to a relationship. If you tell her how you feel you might dent that friendship so just leave it as it is. Plenty of nice attractive women in college that aren't involved on your course plus you are doing a full time course I assume, it's not easy to have a serious relationship while studying and going to college, I admire people who do it but I think just go out and enjoy yourself.

karaokeman

OP you have feelings for this girl, you might hear there are risks dating someone you work/study closely with, but sometimes it's a risk we have to take because you never know when you will meet another person you connect with the same way.

Just keep what you're doing, tell the girl you like her, you enjoy the two of you spending time together and that you could learn a lot from one another. She will take the hint and if she's interested she will let you know, but if you keep questioning the whole thing nothing will ever develop.

Good luck!!

LegacyUser

Very divided between those telling me to say something versus those warning against taking the risk :O I like spending time with her a lot and she's possibly the only person I've met in college who has close to my interests and with whom I feel on the same wavelength. I like what people are suggesting about seeing how things progress and about having fun and enjoying it, I suppose we'll see how the gig goes next week

P. Breathnach

Confused guy wrote: »

Very divided between those telling me to say something versus those warning against taking the risk ...

Small steps are easier to take. At or after the gig, just tell her that you enjoyed spending the evening with her (I'm making the assumption that the gig doesn't turn out to be a disappointment). She can interpret that as including the idea that her company was part of the enjoyment - or, if she is not interested in you in "that" way, can interpret it to mean that you enjoyed the gig.

You are in a tricky area in your own mind, a bit afraid of pushing things forward in case it all goes wrong. But there is truth in the old saying that faint heart never won fair lady.

LegacyUser

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Small steps are easier to take. At or after the gig, just tell her that you enjoyed spending the evening with her (I'm making the assumption that the gig doesn't turn out to be a disappointment). She can interpret that as including the idea that her company was part of the enjoyment - or, if she is not interested in you in "that" way, can interpret it to mean that you enjoyed the gig.

You are in a tricky area in your own mind, a bit afraid of pushing things forward in case it all goes wrong. But there is truth in the old saying that faint heart never won fair lady.

Good advice! The gig went well and I texted her saying how much i enjoy going to them with her, she responded with agreeing and a nice 'x' in her text so clearly she appreciated it.. I sound so like a pathetic teenager it's scary :L time to shove it to the back of my mind for college exams now though, thanks for all the advice boardsies!

December2012

A technique I've seen work before is an invite to go somewhere eg "do you want to go to get a drink later?"
If she says yes, then you say "great, then it's a date". That suggests to the other person it's a date, without you being too direct.