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am I wasting my time?

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  • 23-03-2014 5:56pm
    #1
    marysmithk47
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭


    So let me start by saying we both turned 30this year. It all started 3 years ago on a night out. We ended up kissing and it kind of went on from there. Now he doesn't drink. It went on for a year and I fell for him. Not something I wanted to happen but it did and I told him . Unfortunately he didn't feel the same broke my heart but I can't change his mind. We ended up remaining friends as we socialise with the same group of friends. Obviously thos friendship has grown quiet strong now where we spend most nights together go on mid week nights away to see gigs, cinema dinner and he also buys me little gifts..as do I buy him. When we go out he sometimes stays but nothing happens.Now I want your opinion.are his feelings ever going to change? I no he hasn't been with anyone not that the same can me said for me I'm still crazy about him . I just want to leave Waterford now just to get away from him I'm that crazy about hhim and can't face him been with anyone else.


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    #2
    desbrook
    Registered Users Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭desbrook


    Could he be gay OP? You haven't mentioned if he has any interest in any other girls.

    To answer your question - as long as youaccept it friendship and no more you certainly aren't. He sounds like a good honest friend. A rare commodity. If you will always be waiting for him to change I expect you are wasting your time yes :(


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    #3
    marysmithk47
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭marysmithk47


    desbrook wrote: »
    Could he be gay OP? You haven't mentioned if he has any interest in any other girls.

    To answer your question - as long as youaccept it friendship and no more you certainly aren't. He sounds like a good honest friend. A rare commodity. If you will always be waiting for him to change I expect you are wasting your time yes :(

    He is definitely interested in girls. I've tried to end our friendship numerous of times because he knew how hard it was for me


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    #4
    Brego888
    Registered Users Posts: 1,319 ✭✭✭Brego888


    He's not going to change his mind OP. For your own sanity you need to accept that.


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    #5
    verodi
    Registered Users Posts: 17 ✭verodi


    No...have been in similar situation for about 5 years, just that he has feelings for me.
    .despite that we are good/best friends and my feelings for him never changed....
    Sorry OP I know that is not what you want to hear...


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    #6
    MugMugs
    Registered Users Posts: 17,875 ✭✭✭✭MugMugs


    Ever hear of the friend zone? A lot of people think only men end there. Women do too.

    My best mate is female. She expressed feelings some time back and as attractive as she is and as shallow as I am, I just couldn't reciprocate because she's like my little sister. I don't think that there's ever any way back from the "friend zone" after that amount of time.
    desbrook wrote: »
    Could he be gay OP? You haven't mentioned if he has any interest in any other girls.
    Really?


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    #7
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    marysmithk47 wrote: »
    I've tried to end our friendship numerous of times because he knew how hard it was for me

    Well, hes not that good of a friend then. Because he would back off knowing this.

    You do know once he meets someone he does actually fancy, hell be off like a shot. Harsh, but that is the reality.

    You need to take some responsibility here OP for your own sake/happiness.


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    #8
    marysmithk47
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭marysmithk47


    dellas1979 wrote: »
    Well, hes not that good of a friend then. Because he would back off knowing this.

    You do know once he meets someone he does actually fancy, hell be off like a shot. Harsh, but that is the reality.

    You need to take some responsibility here OP for your own sake/happiness.


    That's what I'm afraid of considering how insanely close we are


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    #9
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    He's taking the piss and you don't have the emotional strength to walk away, as you'd clearly prefer to take the scraps he's feeding you as opposed to exercising some self-respect and moving on.

    This guy will never offer you more than a quick ride and a bit of company when he's got nothing better to do, to put it as bluntly as it is.

    Walking away is probably the most important thing you can ever do for your own self-esteem and love life. You will always meet men like this in life, who'll take advantage of what's on offer without regard for your feelings or desires, are you always going to let them in like this? Do you think you can be happy this way?


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    #10
    Rachiee
    Registered Users Posts: 880 ✭✭✭Rachiee


    Short answer yes. This is a really tough situation as long as you are hanging around with him you will always wonder. If he is particularly sweet to you one day or if Jew catches your eye while smiling you'll be thinking maybe he's changing his mind !! He's not and he won't he's had long enough, and unless you cut ties you'll never get over him,and you'll block yourself off.
    Its painful and humiliating to be in your current situation and he doesn't care that you're hurting, if he did he'd leave you be.
    There is a good chance he's using you for an ego trip, do you ever mind yourself starting to move on or show interest in another guy, then all of a sudden the little presents increase?he may even get a little flirty. He doesn't want you but he loves the fact that you want him and that's why he won't let you move on.
    Cut ties you can always become friends again in a few years when you've moved on , you need to remember that you are desirable and there are plenty more guys out there that might actually respect your feelings.


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    #11
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    marysmithk47 wrote: »
    That's what I'm afraid of considering how insanely close we are

    You are his crutch until he does meet someone else. I know this sounds horrible but you are his practice girlfriend. He is learning how to act and interact with a woman without any commitment to you. He is stopping you meet someone else while stocking up his own war chest by using you for company etc while not giving you what you want.

    I get the feeling you will stay close to him though in the false hope he does change his mind. You will waste years of your life by doing that.


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    #12
    desbrook
    Registered Users Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭desbrook


    CaraMay wrote: »
    You are his crutch until he does meet someone else. I know this sounds horrible but you are his practice girlfriend. He is learning how to act and interact with a woman without any commitment to you. He is stopping you meet someone else while stocking up his own war chest by using you for company etc while not giving you what you want.

    I get the feeling you will stay close to him though in the false hope he does change his mind. You will waste years of your life by doing that.

    Firstly this guy isn't "after the ride " - that's clear. Secondly he isn't lying to the OP and stringing her along . He's being a mate and deserves a break. I'll bet that even if he tried to distance himself from the OP it would be her who'd try and
    rekindle things.

    Maybe it's the OP that's wasting HIS time by pretending to be mates and it's her that's not being honest ?


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    #13
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    I never said he was after the ride but he knows she us into him yet treats her like a girlfriend but without the intimacy and commitment. I agree she is more to blame here than him by a long shot but the fact remains he is benefitting more from thud 'friendship' than she is.


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    #14
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    CaraMay wrote: »
    I never said he was after the ride but he knows she us into him yet treats her like a girlfriend but without the intimacy and commitment. I agree she is more to blame here than him by a long shot but the fact remains he is benefitting more from thud 'friendship' than she is.

    I think that's open to interpretation. The OP is deluding herself that he's going to change his mind so she keeps hanging around with him waiting for that lightbulb moment to occur for him when it's clearly not going to happen. He's not sleeping with her or taking advantage, he told her nothing will happen and yet she is continuing on with the friendship under entirely false pretences.


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    #15
    desbrook
    Registered Users Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭desbrook


    Merkin wrote: »
    I think that's open to interpretation. The OP is deluding herself that he's going to change his mind so she keeps hanging around with him waiting for that lightbulb moment to occur for him when it's clearly not going to happen. He's not sleeping with her or taking advantage, he told her nothing will happen and yet she is continuing on with the friendship under entirely false pretences.

    I agree Merkin it's her that getting most out of this by pretending to be friends - let's call spade a spade.


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    #16
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    desbrook wrote: »
    I agree Merkin it's her that getting most out of this by pretending to be friends - let's call spade a spade.

    But she is unhappy in this role so what is she actually getting out of it whereas he wants friendship and is getting friendship so he is grand.

    Anyway bottom line is that it doesn't suit the op


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    #17
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    CaraMay wrote: »
    But she is unhappy in this role so what is she actually getting out of it

    False hope. This is fuelled by her need to be 'friends' when clearly that status quo is not what she wants at all. Every time he shares a bed with her or goes to a gig she thinks 'this could be the night'.


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    #18
    desbrook
    Registered Users Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭desbrook


    Merkin wrote: »
    False hope. This is fuelled by her need to be 'friends' when clearly that status quo is not what she wants at all. Every time he shares a bed with her or goes to a gig she thinks 'this could be the night'.

    He doesn't share a bed or rather this wasn't stated by the OP. " he stays over but nothing happens " is what we were told. There's a big difference!


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    #19
    marysmithk47
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭marysmithk47


    desbrook wrote: »
    He doesn't share a bed or rather this wasn't stated by the OP. " he stays over but nothing happens " is what we were told. There's a big difference!

    He shares a bed


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    #20
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    marysmithk47 wrote: »
    He shares a bed

    And why are you letting this happen?

    What are you getting out of this situation?


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    #21
    marysmithk47
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭marysmithk47


    CaraMay wrote: »
    And why are you letting this happen?

    What are you getting out of this situation?

    Nothing but if nothing ever happens I no for sure id never want to lose him as a very close friend.


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    #22
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    marysmithk47 wrote: »
    Nothing but if nothing ever happens I no for sure id never want to lose him as a very close friend.

    Why though? I really thinking you're fooling yourself. You're going to hang around indefinitely in the hope he's going to fall in love with you. What happens when he falls for someone? He's not going to be able to spend so much time with you. Also, while you're so hung up on him and spending time as 'close friends', you're depriving yourself of the opportunity to meet someone who will fancy you back and where there could be a real chance of a relationship. You're really wasting your time on a non starter here.


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    #23
    desbrook
    Registered Users Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭desbrook


    marysmithk47 wrote: »
    He shares a bed

    Words fail me OP! He regularly shares your bed, presumably sees you naked regularly over a two year period and does nothing ? And you wonder will he ever want to rekindle a sexual relationship with you? Tbh I'm still unsure if he's straight .


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    #24
    marysmithk47
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭marysmithk47


    desbrook wrote: »
    Words fail me OP! He regularly shares your bed, presumably sees you naked regularly over a two year period and does nothing ? And you wonder will he ever want to rekindle a sexual relationship with you? Tbh I'm still unsure if he's straight .

    Just because I share a bed with him sometimes doesn't necessarily mean he sees me naked. I hardly lie there naked now to be honest


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    #25
    Sgt Pepper 64
    Registered Users Posts: 9,627 ✭✭✭Sgt Pepper 64


    Mary Smith. You ARE wasting your time, IF you don't just ask him ONE simple question. "Are you interested in me romantically?"

    So, pluck up your courage and ask. The worst that can happen is he says no.

    Because if he isn't, then he is a barrier to you getting a "proper" boyfriend, no matter how close you are, how much a good friend he is and how you are in the same social circles

    NO NEW FELLA will stand for a friend sleeping in the same bed, even a gay one, let alone a "good friend".
    Would you like the same situation?
    You are either not telling the whole story or he is gay.

    If you want a proper love relationship, you've got to back to being "proper" friends, cos I assure you, I have female friends and theres no way they would let me sleep in the same bed or get in the way of their love life!

    Move on girl, if it hasn't happened with him in the same bed then it isn't going to!


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    #26
    marysmithk47
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭marysmithk47


    Sgt Pepper 64 wrote: »
    Mary Smith. You ARE wasting your time, IF you don't just ask him ONE simple question. "Are you interested in me romantically?"

    So, pluck up your courage and ask. The worst that can happen is he says no.

    Because if he isn't, then he is a barrier to you getting a "proper" boyfriend, no matter how close you are, how much a good friend he is and how you are in the same social circles

    NO NEW FELLA will stand for a friend sleeping in the same bed, even a gay one, let alone a "good friend".
    Would you like the same situation?
    You are either not telling the whole story or he is gay.

    If you want a proper love relationship, you've got to back to being "proper" friends, cos I assure you, I have female friends and theres no way they would let me sleep in the same bed or get in the way of their love life!

    Move on girl, if it hasn't happened with him in the same bed then it isn't going to!


    There is not much more to tell. We were sleeping together over 2yrs ago. He didn't want to commit so I put an end to that for my own sake. I'm not putting my love life on hold I have been with other people. What I don't understand is how or why he gets slightly annoyed when im with someone or talk about it if there are no feelings there or why he treats me the way he does. im a nurse so when im stressed having a bad day he always there for me no matter how angry or upset I get.


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    #27
    desbrook
    Registered Users Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭desbrook


    marysmithk47 wrote: »
    There is not much more to tell. We were sleeping together over 2yrs ago. He didn't want to commit so I put an end to that for my own sake. I'm not putting my love life on hold I have been with other people. What I don't understand is how or why he gets slightly annoyed when im with someone or talk about it if there are no feelings there or why he treats me the way he does. im a nurse so when im, stressed having a bad day he always there for me no matter how angry or upset I get.

    On the contrary what you have written above gives a much better idea of the situation than your first post . I feel now more ever he's confused sexually. You are his mask.


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    #28
    marysmithk47
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭marysmithk47


    desbrook wrote: »
    On the contrary what you have written above gives a much better idea of the situation than your first post . I feel now more ever he's confused sexually. You are his mask.


    He is definitely not gay. No way whatsoever


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    #29
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    marysmithk47 wrote: »
    He is definitely not gay. No way whatsoever

    Well that would be easier than you being in love with him and him not quite feeling it. He's peeved when you meet someone as he doesn't want his cosy situation compromised until he chooses.

    Move on op.


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    #30
    Sgt Pepper 64
    Registered Users Posts: 9,627 ✭✭✭Sgt Pepper 64


    marysmithk47 wrote: »
    There is not much more to tell. We were sleeping together over 2yrs ago. He didn't want to commit so I put an end to that for my own sake. I'm not putting my love life on hold I have been with other people. What I don't understand is how or why he gets slightly annoyed when im with someone or talk about it if there are no feelings there or why he treats me the way he does. im a nurse so when im stressed having a bad day he always there for me no matter how angry or upset I get.

    Your friendship is not normal, friends don't share beds.
    Perhaps you enjoy his jealous attentions and he enjoys the unusual friendship.
    A good friend SHOULD support you in good times and bad, nothing unusual there

    Anyway, to answer your question, yes you are wasting your time, better spent searching for real love if that is what you seek


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