How to deal with seeing him after he hurt me

LegacyUser

I was seeing a guy over the course of 11 months sporadically. We knew each other through relstives of mine who are friends of his. Even though we were very much on and off, I developed serious feelings for him over time.
After our 1st date initially, things didn't go any further as we made about 4 different attempts to meet up and because of 1 thing or another it never happened. A few weeks later he texted me again and we met up and discussed how we both liked each other and we agreed to give things another go. We met up 6 times, each time we got in so well and had lots to talk about. We came to a busy period and we didn't see each other for 2 weeks as he always seemed to be busy. After him cancelling on me twice I called him on it and said if he wanted to see me he needed to make an effort and if not he needed to be honest with me. He said he was unsure about being in a relationship with me so we should leave it. I was upset as I had started falling for him and even though I had been with other guys before and had relationships, this felt different in a good way iykwim.
I got on with my life and kissed a few guys, went on dates but always had him in the back of my head and I couldn't feel anything for the two guys I went on dates with. A couple of months later he texted me about something that happened among the mutual people we knew. At first I was hesitant to reply to him as I knew there was still feelings there on my part. I let myself back in and the texting continued over the course of a month, sometimes for days on end. We would have been on nights out separately and we often spent the night texting each other. After a while I needed to know what was going on and whether we were friends, nothin or more. He asked me to meet up and we talked about us. He said he was worried about hurting me again but there was obviously something between us because over the last month he was thinking of me a lot. He wanted to give things one last shot and I agreed. We met up another few times and it seemed to be with a view to making it a relationship. He never mentioned fun and we hadn't even slept together at that stage. I was given the impression that he really liked me and had feelings for me. Then the inevitable happened. After him not being able to meet up again he ended things. He said he didn't know what was wrong with him because I was such a lovely and gorgeous girl but he didn't feel right about us. He said he was a mess who didn't know what he wanted and he found it really hard to end it because he did have feelings for me.
I was genuinely heartbroken and angry with him. After a few weeks, a friend suggested I text him and just let him know I'd be civil and wasn't angry anymore. This was because I knew I'd be seeing him at different events. Some of my friends thought he had some issues because the whole thing didn't make sense.
I found out through ny relatives who are his friends that he had a girlfriend for 3 months at an event after Christmas. We ended in November. Again I was so angry that he treated me like this. We were not just having fun together or friends with benefits. He told me with the way things were with knowing a lot of people mutually we couldn't be that sort of relationship. That's why I was so upset and angry to hear he had been in a relationship the whole time.

I am going to be seeing him at a party in a few weeks and I am dreading it. I'm still upset, embarrassed and annoyed that he felt it was ok to treat me like this. I haven't seen or been i contact with him since I found out about his relationship. I know i my head I am probably going to ignore him but that probably makes me look like a psycho. In my head it's not fair how he treated me so badly. He doesn't know that I know he was in a relationship while we were seeing each other. The nasty side on me wants to tell him what I think of the situation but it's obviously not the classy thing to do. Any advice would be great.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you need to let this one go. The story sounds a bit familiar. Did you post about him a while back? He obviously liked you, just not enough to be in a relationship. I think he probably tried for longer than he would have with anyone else because of circumstances, knowing the same people etc. You were/are mad about him. He obviously likes/liked you,just not in the same way.

The information you have about the other girl is 3rd hand. Hearsay. You don't know if they were "together" for 3 months, or just casually seeing each other until things became more serious around Christmas etc. At that stage he was already finished with you. Even though you weren't really officially together.

He hasn't really done anything too wrong. He probably shouldn't have stayed around for as long as he did trying to make a relationship between you but, you also hung around hoping that he would change how he was feeling.

When you see him, you need to let go of any anger you feel towards him. Even mentioning his gf is pointless. (And she'll probably be there anyway) Let it go. He's a lovely fella, you fell hard for him, but it didn't work out for you this time.

milli milli

Sounds to me like he wanted his cake and eat it. Was he in a relationship with this other girl while seeing you?
In fairness, I suppose he may just have been seeing here and they weren't exclusive yet, maybe?

Whatever the case was, he was unsure of being with you. He gave you loads of excuses as to why you couldn't be together - he was busy, he was unsure, ye knew too many mutual people (???)
If a guy is unsure, I would take it as a warning.
I once read somewhere if you saw €50 on the ground, would you pick it up, or would you be unsure about doing so? If a guy doesn't think you're gold, move on.

It always works out that way - a guy says He doesn't want a relationship and then lo and behold he ends up in one with another girl. What that means is he doesn't want a relationship with you, unfortunately.
I don't mean to rub salt in the wound, OP. you're hurting and tbh it was unfair of him to figure out how he felt about you whilst dragging it on and out.

So next time a situation like this arises, maybe it will be easier to spot the warnings.

Regarding the event, I would take the upper hand. Be civil, be warm. Do your best to be pleasant and smiley. Act like it was no big deal and that you're over it. Not easy, I know. But it will really make you look good.
Even if you have to go to the bathroom and have a cry, or curse him, but in public act like your happy self.
Also go easy on the drink, as it will be much harder to do with it.
If he comes up to you, just say hello, how's things and then say you better get back to your friends. Smile, be breezy.
It will probably drive him mad, he'll think he was easy to get over, so it will probably dent his ego a bit. No harm really.

Good luck OP

LegacyUser

I wholeheartedly agree with milli millis advice, have been in pretty much the exact same situation myself before. I think the best thing you can do is go and look as though you are having the time of your life without him, and soon enough you will be. This time next year you'll look back and wonder why you ever liked someone like him, he will not seem so unique or special in any way. oh, and if he ever has the cheek to try to contact you again, just don't answer. Don't allow yourself to get sucked into anything like this again (and now that you know all the signs of flaky behaviour you won't ) Good Luck

LegacyUser

Wow OP that sounds exactly the same as a situation I had so I know how hurtful it can be. The hot and cold routine is the biggest head melt and really impacts self-esteem. On the positive side at least he had the decency to end it with you. My guy allowed me to find out for myself that
he was with someone else after I got the not in right space speeches for a relationship.

Keeping options open while kind of understandable can be very cruel. My guy wanted me around in case his relationship didn't work out which is very self centred. You should never have to coax someone into a relationship with you. If a guy really likes you he won't risk losing you by being hot and cold. Looking back now can see red flags clearly but when you really like someone they can be hard to see or we chose not to see them. Don't see this other girl as winning and start thinking why her not me. Him chosing a relationship with her is about him and nothing to do with you.

You mentioned being embarrassed you having nothing to be ashamed of here. You liked somebody and he didn't reciprocate and took his time letting you know. He is the one who should be a little embarrassesd if anyone is.

Go to party and be breezy as others mentioned. When I found out about my ex was seeing someone else I was so hurt and angry. We had loads of fights where stuff was said and I regret that and felt played into his hands a bit by being "psycho" The more i argued my point the more he would try and justify himself and I felt worse. I would much rather have walked away quietly. Let him see what he is missing. If you confront him he will think lucky escape as guys often do.

I do know how it hurts OP but take lessons from it and as others have said don't settle for flakey behaviour especially at beginning. If someone tells you sonething listen but remember its actions not words that count. My ex would text me but was lazy communication, and creates false intimacy.

Good luck and remember living well is best revenge.

CaraMay

Tbh you really should avoid the party. There will always be other parties and it sounds like it's causing you too much stress already.

LegacyUser

Thanks a mill for the replies. It was mentioned that I will be able to spot the signs of flaky behaviour in future with guys. This may sound like a contradiction given how things ended, but when we were seeing each other he did all of the contacting, if he said he'd text or call on a certain day he always did. He wasn't late when we met up and both times gave me the impression he really liked me. He told me about a week before we ended that if my relations asked what the story was, he'd go along with whatever I said and hoped I'd be saying we were really happy with each other which genuinely I felt to be the truth.
I think this is why I found it so hard when he ended things. It was very out of the blue because he had been texting me daily as normal so I guess I feel a bit put out by that. If I had seen signs of flakiness I would have ended things immediately. I went back because I knew I had strong feelings for him and thought I'd regret it if I didn't.
I have to go to the party in a few weeks, there's no way around it. I would, in theory like to get some kind of "apology" and part of me wants him to know that I know he had been seeing someone else because in my head it might make him regret his actions. I don't know really. Someone mentioned in their reply that maybe the reason he was with me longer than he should have been was because of my relatives but surely the fact that we know people in common and see each other a lot means he should have been honest with me and made sure of his feelings on the whole thing before ever giving things another go.
I guess I'll just have to put up with it at the event because I don't want to give him the satisfaction of thinking he hurt me more than he has. I've probably made it seem like a bigger deal in my head than it is in reality.

Sgt Pepper 64

He is probably just afraid of commitment, perhaps he knows people who have got divorced or split up
how old is he?

Anyway, the fault lies with him.
I know I panicked when things got serious once, luckily I got a 2nd chance, but what helped was that she played it cool and got on with her life

LegacyUser

He will be 30 in a few months. I don't think it's to do with commitment because he is still with his girlfriend he was with at Christmas as far as I know.
At the time I thought there was issues with him being in a relationship as he has had some bad things to deal with in life and that's why I was so lenient with him and texted him saying I wasn't angry with him and I hoped we could be someway normal with each other when we meet. That's part of the reason I was so upset when I found out the truth.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, people say all sorts of things to protect others from the truth. He liked you. He liked you a lot. He even tried to force himself to like you even more by trying again and again for some sort of relationship to work between you. "On paper" you were meant to be.

But he cannot change how he feels. And the truth is, "he's just not that into you". That's not his fault. He made excuses like not being ready for a relationship etc, to save your feelings, rather than come straight out and say "I don't feel strongly enough about you".

It sucks. It sucks for you that you fell so hard for him. It sucks that you hung around hoping he'd change his mind. It sucks that he hung around trying to force himself to feel something more for you. It sucks that he is now in a relationship with someone else.

But honestly, that is how life goes sometimes. I think you need to try get past it now. He has a gf. Whatever was potentially there between you, is over now. 2 people have to feel the same. It doesn't work if one has to try really hard to fall for the other.

beks101

I don't think I really can add anything to the above, other than to just say this -

I see a lot of posts around here where the blatant simple truth of that old chestnut, "he's just not that into you", is clouded by the many behaviours that preceded that fateful moment when the penny drops about the guy's lack of commitment.

And indeed nothing is ever black and white, and sometimes it's a case that our brain will see what it wants to see because our emotions are engaged; other times it's a case of contradictory words and actions, or expressed intention and 'sudden' disinterest, for no apparent reason. We're human beings, not robots.

All the calls, texts, frequently planning dates, turning up on time, kissing you, holding your hand, telling you you were wonderful etc - what does that matter now, really? The bare-faced reality of it was that he couldn't commit, couldn't give you what you wanted and needed, told you so, and now he's met someone else that for some unknown reason he wants those things with. And no amount of agonizing or musing or over-analyzing or dating post-mortems is going to change that.

I completely feel for you. I've been there. I've had the "don't want a relationship, with ANYONE right now" from a guy I was batsh1t crazy about, only to meet his brand new lovely girlfriend at a house party a few weeks later. I've let my guard down around a guy who chased and chased and chased, sucking me in only to tell me a few weeks later he was "still not over his ex".

Christ the mindfcuk. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The "WHY HER AND WHY NOT ME" - at times - I actually thought I was having a nervous breakdown. The facebook stalking, the sending pictures to friends to ask "is she pretty? Prettier than me?", the crying fits in public bathrooms any time he was within proximity, the thinking I was fat, the jumping-into-something-new when I was nowhere near ready and in turn hurting a string of guys - all of that behaviour was MY fault, not his, because I simply wasn't accepting the perfectly simple but mind-bogglingly disappointing fact that "he just wasn't that into me". And - crucially - that is totally OK.

Do you get that? It's totally OK that he wasn't that into you. It's not a reflection on you. It's not a reflection on him either, really. It's just the way the cookie crumbles - life can just suck sometimes. You don't get the guy, you don't get the job. Whatever. You draw a line under it, put your game face back on, vow to take what you can from the painful experience of loss you've just had (for me it was - read the warning signs and don't get invested so early again) and you get back out there. Because a girl has got to eat!

Him letting you down and jumping head first into a relationship with another girl doesn't make you any less lovely. Just remember that. Value that. Value your loveliness and don't let it be undermined by this or by any future guy. The way I process it is this way - I've lived a long time with myself and will live for a long time after any guy I've dated wants me or doesn't want me. I know what I've been through. I know what I see when I look in the mirror because I've been a long time looking at her and she'll still be there long after any boyfriend decides he does or doesn't love me.

So I simply won't allow some guy's "approval" or "non approval" of me shape how I feel about myself. Because to be frank, it would be fcuking criminal, no matter how lovely the guy is.

milli milli

beks101 wrote: »

So I simply won't allow some guy's "approval" or "non approval" of me shape how I feel about myself. Because to be frank, it would be fcuking criminal, no matter how lovely the guy is.

beks you're a rockstar!

Absolutely totally agree. Onwards and upwards! I do get terribly hurt by rejection (like everyone else), but after I lick my wounds I get back to thinking how awesome I am.
I am awesome on my own. I am awesome if a guy takes me up on my awesomeness. Whatever.
Irish people don't believe in themselves enough.

Anyway good luck OP.