Friend abroad, never hear from her anymore

Mc Kenzie

Hi Everyone,

I found myself a little upset the other day. I have two friends that have gone abroad to Australia, and one of them never replies to any messages that i have sent on facebook over all of the time she has been there which is since August last year.

They did not go together one went for a world trip with her work friend and the other went with her boyfriend at a later date.

Neither of them remembered my birthday at all which i can understand that lots of new things are happening in their lives ect. But it does feel like a bit of a stab in the heart.

Besides that one of them never replies to my private messages but i see her active on facebook making comments or posting pics ect. so its not like she doesnt see the message as i can see she has seen it.

Also i had suggest in a message to talk over on skype also but no reply

She did send a card at Christmas which i was delighted to hear from her and as i had no return address i wrote a long message on facebook and few brief ones every few months, but nothing.

The last one i mentioned i hadn't heard from her in a while and just asking how all was over there.

I just wander if i mean much to her as a friend. I know she was closer to our other friend, but im starting to wonder if i should bother anymore.

Id really appreciate if any one has any comments on what they would do ,,thanks guys.

Stavro Mueller

I wouldn't read anything into them forgetting your birthday - I've done it and it has been done to me. People forget sometimes, especially if they're busy. If the other friend (who the post isn't about at all) is still in contact with you, no need to worry about that.

On the issue of the friend who the bulk of this post is about, I think it's time to leave it. Don't get distracted by the Christmas card - I'd say most people get Christmas cards from people they don't talk to from one end of the year to the other. You've tried repeatedly to make contact with this girl on Facebook but she hasn't had the manners to acknowledge you. The deafening silence tells you all you need to know unfortunately. Seeing as she's pals with your other friend, it'd be easier for you to work on the basis that friendship has fizzled out rather than you've had a falling out.

Another thought - was she ever really your friend? Sometimes people are friendly acquaintances rather than actual friends? If that's all she ever saw you as, then it's more likely the friendship will fizzle out when she's away. She doesn't appear to dislike you because she sent the card but she's also signalling that she's not interested in keeping in more regular touch.

I remember you from your posts about your sister. Despite her obvious signals that she didn't want to have much to do with you, you struggled to accept this and were hurt by her rejections. I wonder do you have trouble reading situations like these and knowing when to back off?

Meauldsegosha

You wrote about these friends previously and from those threads it would appear that you considered them more of a friend then they considered you. Maybe it's time to face facts, OP. They are not your friends but people you know.

Mc Kenzie

Cymbaline actually with my sister we sorted things although we dont always see eye to eye at the end of the day we are family. We recently went searching for a dress for her wedding day that ill be bridesmaid for.

I forgot i hadnt posted already about these friends before.

But its different with this friend well what I thought was my friend. I actually had decided that when she hadn't returned my messages before Chrismas that I wasnt going to bother with her any more, and i didnt . But then i got a christmas card from her that was filled with a letter of all of her updates of her travels. working and how she enjoyed it, asking how i was and how i would spend Christmas ect. So then I guess i thought she still valued me as a friend. But of course now i wont be continuing to make an effort in getting in touch or so keen to respond to her or anyone like this for that matter.

Butterface

OP, it's hard enough to sustain friendships with people when they live in a different town to you, never mind a different country. Unless you were really close with these two people before they left, then the relationship is bound to change.. especially if they are the ones who've moved to a new place and are meeting new people.

How close were you to these people? Did you know them for very long?

One of my best mates (friends for about 15 years) has been in Australia for nearly 3 years, and we only email each other once a month with the odd Facebook "like" here and there. We don't even skype anymore! Obviously, our friendship has changed, how the hell would it not?!

I had a colleague who I was pretty close to in my last job. We worked in the same department, socialised about once a month outside of work and we had a lot of time during work to natter away about our lives so knew everything about each other. I thought I'd miss her a lot, because well you see somebody 5 days a week for 4 years.. I went back to college and moved to a different country, and I know this sounds bad but, well I don't miss her. I didn't even really stay in touch with her and have only bumped into her a handful of times in the past few years when I've been home visiting.

I think you probably misjudged the friendship.

Mc Kenzie

well they had been my friends since the beginning of secondary school and we ar now in our mid twenties. We were all in the same gang of friends which was only 5/6 of us. We would always meet up every now and again. and the one that's not in touch with me at all would call me or call over to my house every few weeks to catch up As she had a boyfriend and wouldnt be out on nights out together a only for meals or quiet drinks. The other would invite me to Dublin for nights out many times.

Im not sure exactly what it is then that defines a friendship as according to replies i seem to have "misjudged the friendship all along. But Im pretty sure they were my friends and im not that nieve to realise that friends drift as i have a few poeple who iv met in my life as i have lived in the U.K and came across many different friendships there who come and go as now i live here and keep in touch with some and others not.

I just no now not to bother her.

Stavro Mueller

People can only work with the information they're given so we can and do get it wrong sometimes

Now that you've given us more information I can understand why you were confused when you got that letter with the card. Why she went to all that trouble when she wasn't interested in staying in touch I don't know. Maybe she just wanted to talk about herself and used the letter as her way of doing that, throwing in a few "how are you" type comments for good measure.

Anyway it looks like you've come to a decision on this. It's for the best - ignoring you like that is rude and perhaps showing you a side of her that you didn't know she had.

retro:electro

OP I feel you may be taking this issue to heart too much.. So what if she doesn't reply to you at the drop of a hat or indulge in big long responses, she may be waiting until she has something worthy to say. I have friends abroad and only message them the odd time, they'd reply when they have news and then id reply back when I had something of value to add, none of this hey how was your day crap, cos that just doesn't cut it when your lives are so different and unrelatable.

One of my friends only messages me but she calls and skypes my other friend but this doesn't bother me one bit because it works for us. I wouldn't take it so personally, she may just have no news and then she'll fill you in when she has.
Also, she's on the other side of the world enjoying her life, she may be busy, that doesn't mean she is no longer your friend. When people move away the friendship changes, she is moving on with her life perhaps you should also?

R.D. aka MR.D

I live in Asia. Right now, i have a list as long as my arm of people that i need to reply to.

I work 8 hours a day and go to the gym and am super busy at the weekend. Unless i get time at work when i feel like sending an email then i usually don't do it for ages. For example i'm on boards right now instead of emailing my friends back because it's easier even though i'm at work!

If some one sends me a long email then i feel a lot of pressure to reply with a long message and that usually delays it.

Also, the time difference changes things. For example, i check my email first thing when i wake up. If i see something then i sometimes forget about it because it's only a quick check. It might be a week or two before i think to myself 'oh yeah so and so emailed me.'
It's not that i don't want to be in contact with my friends or family, it's just that it's a pain when you are busy. With my sister, i find it easier to message her on my phone. We both have viber on our smartphones and can text like normal (time difference permitting).

Dellnum

It just sounds like this friend hates typing messages, there are lots of us like this. She wrote you a long message at Christmas and this sort of proves this. She would probably write to you quicker than type a message, so don't take this personally.

Mc Kenzie

anna080 of course im moving on with my life, iv moved to u.k and back to dublin whilest she had remained in our hometown in the country.

Your saying that your friend at least replies to you. And bare in mind im only sending a message once every other 3/4 months its not as if im sending big long messages every day or week. I only send short ones.

If she at least acknowledge my contact to her. but nothing.

I have a friend in U.s who i dont know when ill see again and we talk on facebook from time to time or skype and with her at least i know she is still my friend. I understand that when people are abroad of course it wont be the same. And its understandable not to reply to messages. But all of them. With little or no other contact.?

Anyways Cymbaline is right in saying iv came to a decision now and dont worry anna080, I will "move on with my life":rolleyes: