Advice appreciated

LegacyUser

My ex and I dated for two years, both mid-30s, we also work together. Obviously during that time, as we lived together for most of it, were house hunting, planned marriage and children, we shared personal experiences, stories etc that would not be work material. It was a messy break-up, still is and we have had a couple of rows since but never publicly, we're always polite if somewhat curt with one another in work.

My issue is that since the break-up he's developed/ furthered friendships with a couple of colleagues. Before we dated he would socialise occasionally with one of the girls. While we were dating they went out maybe a handful of times over a couple of years and I was always included. The other girl had no real friendship with him outside of work and for the couple of years we dated never socialised with him. Now, my problem is that since our break-up they are meeting up regularly and not just with him but his friends also, which never happened either prior to or during our relationship. For example this weekend they're heading over to his apartment tomorrow for drinks and he had to turn down plans with them for Sunday (I accidentally overheard this conversation between them.) This makes me very uncomfortable as we had a very controversial break-up and I would like to keep aspects of it private from colleagues. Thus, I would prefer if he kept things friendly but purely professional with colleagues and kept his friends well away from them. I know I have absolutely no right to suggest that to him and wouldn't, it's just what I'd like.

Also, whenever we have had discussions or arguments about our relationship since the break-up I have assumed that they were completely private from others in work. However, although I have no proof that he is sharing these, a few things lately have given me the impression he is. I find I'm paranoid that they are discussing me. I also find their newly found closeness hurtful. Leaving work is not an option for very significant reasons which I can't go into here. Also, for what it's worth he has asked me since the break-up to keep a secret for him which I only knew due to being his girlfriend. It's not something which I would ever divulge in any case but I resent him demanding that I keep it quiet for him while he says and does whatever he likes.

What, if anything can I do? Am I being a complete nut/ totally irrational? I try to treat him like any other colleague but I find it very hard. I loved him, still do a bit and am hurt he didn't want me as a partner or friend and is prioritising his relationships with others over my feelings. I know that's unfair as he owes me nothing but I need some external perspective on it. He dumped me, a good few months ago now, and also cheated. Not sure he ever really cared. Also, our workplace is small with less than 20 staff total. I know I've no right to be annoyed with any of them but I am.

Sorry for the long rant. All opinions/ advice welcome!

retro:electro

OP you are broken up, he can do what he wants and hang out with who he wants, you have no right to think he can't.. Even if you were still with him you wouldn't have any right to dictate who he hangs out with. When people are in relationships they share private information with each other, that's expected and you just have to trust and hope that it remains private. There is no point stressing over something that is at present only speculation.
He is moving on with his life, maybe you should do the same.

LegacyUser

Op he has asked you to keep his secret which suggests he is as worried as you about certain things being said. Is it possible to have a civilised chat with him where you both agree out of respect for each other not to discuss details of your break up with colleagues?

I understand how hurtful and uncomfortable things can be having dated a colleague for 3 years. Thankfully we had both agreed not to discuss any details of our relationship/breakup, was extremely tough though and to this day i probably still love him.

Unfortunately you can't dictate who your ex sees out of work. Just be professional in work and keep your boundaries in place. Easier said than done i know, good luck

Rachel79

Op, having to deal with a break up while working with an ex is never easy. He has asked you to keep his secret which suggests you both shared private experiences. Would is be possible to have a calm conversation with him and ask that you both agree not to discuss the details of your break up with colleagues? And to agree to be professional at work.

I know it won.t be easy as i dated then broke up with a work colleague after dating for almost 4 years. Thankfully we both agreed that our relationship/breakup would not be shared with colleagues and we would not let it affect our working relationship. It still broke my heart though seeing him every day and took a very long time to get over until i eventually changed jobs,

Unfortunately you cannot ask him not to see colleagues outside of work no more than he can dictate who you see now. Keep your dignity and remain professional and try not to get too paranoid. Good luck

Tokyo

You seem a little too invested in his life post-breakup, to be honest. I appreciate that it ended badly, and that you still have questions, but regardless of who dumped who, or the reasons behind it, the relationship is over. Who he sees and who he spends his time with is absolutely none of your business anymore. It's hard to deal with sometimes, but that's the truth. It's just that you are in the unenviable position of having to watch this unfold in front of you because you still work together, where most other people would get to walk away.

I think that you are also being a little paranoid about what is being said about your breakup. From the sounds of things, his performance was less than stellar in that he cheated etc, and I doubt very much that he wants to discuss that with his colleagues, for no other reason than it paints him in a bad light. You say that you have no proof that he is sharing secrets, yet you also say that you "resent him demanding that I keep it quiet for him while he says and does whatever he likes". It can't be both - you either know he's said something or you don't. I'd be inclined to think that you don't, and that the resentment that you are feeling is more for the bigger picture - giving yourself to this person and him betraying you. Sounds like he has far more to lose than you do if stories start getting swapped, and if he's halfway smart, he already knows this.

The best advice I can give you is to steer the whole thing a wide berth and leave well alone. From the sounds of things you dodged a bullet with this guy, and now it's time to invest some time in yourself. But if you keep following this up, I guarantee you that you will come out of it looking worse than he does, and you will seem like the jealous ex that couldn't move on.

kjl

Give the OP a break,

I know that if I broke up with someone and they started hanging out with someone of the opposite sex basically right in front of me I would be upset too.

freshpopcorn

kjl wrote: »

Give the OP a break,

I know that if I broke up with someone and they started hanging out with someone of the opposite sex basically right in front of me I would be upset too.

People are only being honest with the OP tough. There's no point of lying to her. Her ex can do what ever her likes/see who ever he likes and its none of her business.

dellas1979

Look at it this way, OP. Youve the integrity to keep his secret, cause youve good morals.

IF (and you dont know) he has divulged something to a colleague, then obviously he doesnt have the integrity. And as said already, bullet well dodged.

No-its not easy to work with someone after breaking up, but keep your integrity and dignity.

The Omega Man

Sounds like a nightmare, if ever there was a reason to keep working relationships professional, it's when things go wrong. I can never understand how people can't see that far ahead, maybe a case of rose tinted glasses when times are good. An office relationship that breaks down can also make everyone else feel very uncomfortable which ends up generating a bad atmosphere.

Why don't you up finish up in your workplace and move on as this is going to continue to bother you until you do so. Put the whole thing down to experience, next time steer clear of letting a professional working relationships progress to becoming part of your personal life.

I don't really get how your ex hangs out so much with the work crowd outside work hours. Most places I have worked, people were glad to see the backend of collegues at the end of a week. You can never quite be yourself or relax with work collegues. So for that reason I guess your ex could be sneakily trying to wind you up by influencing your work collegues against you by being seen as the super nice person.

Sgt Pepper 64

I would honestly try and find another job.
That would certainly solve the problem and try not to get mix work and romance again, it never seems to work

Matteroffact

If he has asked you to keep his secret then he knows that he has to do the same. What is the worst thing he could divulge about your relationship with him, deal with that and ask yourself if it is all that shocking that you would not want anyone else to hear about it. Once you have dealt with that then everything else pales into insignificance. Also, don't forget that if he tells anyone something nasty about you they are not going to think too highly of him for it and that alone will curtail him.