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Would you ignore your friend over a BF?

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  • 21-03-2014 12:29pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I was a single mum for almost 8yrs, with no time or interest in building a relationship. During that time, two friends were a great support to me - and I to them. They both had partners, but one was going throuh a seperation and I did what I could to support her. We met up once a week for a bottle of wine and were great company for each other. The other girl and I had kids the same age - became great friends, and again, helped each other out with the kids.

    Two years ago, I met a guy. Neither of my friends like him, saying he's 'not good enough for me'. We have had our ups and downs, no more than any other couple and in fact, alot less than one of my friends who seperated. I turned to both friends when we were arguing etc and probably foolishly, gave out alot about my partner...

    Anyway..both friends have now stopped contacting me - both saying it's because I am making a mistake with this guy etc...

    I just can't understand them - I never involved myself in their relationships - never once commented on whether I liked or disliked their partners - and somehow, they feel it's ok to tell me that they don't like my partner and want nothing to do with me because I have decided to have a realtionship with him.
    Has this happened to anyone and what should I do?


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    #2
    Tiddlypeeps
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,103 ✭✭✭Tiddlypeeps


    What is it that they don't like about your partner? More details on this might help to figure out where they are coming from.


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    #3
    m'lady
    Registered Users Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    Could your friends be aware of something about your partner and not be telling you? Or could it possibly be a case that your no longer as 'available' for them and it's perhaps a bit of jealousy?


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    #4
    Meauldsegosha
    Registered Users Posts: 7,595 ✭✭✭Meauldsegosha


    unregistered wrote: »
    I turned to both friends when we were arguing etc and probably foolishly, gave out alot about my partner...

    How often do you talk to them about your partner? Maybe they are fed-up listening to you talking about the same issues over and over and never doing anything about it.


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    #5
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    unregistered wrote: »
    Anyway..both friends have now stopped contacting me - both saying it's because I am making a mistake with this guy etc...

    You're evidently not giving us all the information required. Two good friends don't just cut contact for no reason. They obviously have valid concerns/problems with your choice of partner.


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    #6
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    What kind of ups and downs were they? Mustn't be great if your friends don't want to see you over him.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP again.

    Myself and my partner were on and off for about a year, before we decided to commit. During that year, he messed me around a bit by standing me up for dates etc. It was a very casual relationship at the time.
    Nothing has happened since we decided to make it official - he is a great boyfriend.

    I did moan to them in that year I suppose


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    #8
    coffee_cake
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    Sometimes to save a friendship when people think their friend is making very very bad choices, they need to just say it once and then back away, and be there again if it goes wrong.
    It's one thing if they disapprove because of a simple personality clash, and another if they have genuine concerns about him and his treatment of you. Particularly if they feel you're putting up with the same thing over and over and complaining about it without actually doing anything about it.


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    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    But without going into too much detail - my friends partner was violent towards her, she got a barring order against him, and still got back with him. I never once commented on her situation - just always tried to support her through whatever situation she was dealing with. I understood that she loved him, despite what was going on and didn't think it was my place to just move away from the friendship because I didn't agree with her choice of husband.

    I thought that's what friendship was about?


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    #10
    Dixie Chick
    Registered Users Posts: 1,062 ✭✭✭Dixie Chick


    I can see both sides of this. You feel they should be happy for you, but possibly saw you go through a bad year of this "casual" relationship and cant face him now, which makes it hard to be around you. I don't know, its a tough one really.


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    #11
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    I'm not sure if you're being intentionally vague OP, but I find it strange that you provide so much detail of your friend's relationship with her partner, and so little about your own. To be honest it reads like there's a lot here that's being left out.

    When you talk about your friend's situation, you are right when you say that friendship is about being supportive, even if you don't understand the situation sometimes. But it can also be about more - it can be about knowing when to step in and tell the cold hard truth when you see that your friend is genuinely suffering, even to the point of risking the friendship. But because of the vagueness of your original post, it's impossible for anyone to say, hence the vagueness of the answers you are getting.

    With that said though, I could understand of one friend overreacted about the way that they perceive your partner, but the fact that two friends have both decided to tell you that they don't think that your partner isn't right for you, and have both decided to keep their distance from you, does make me wonder if there is something bigger going on here than you are telling us, or that you are aware of.


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    #12
    Catphish
    Closed Accounts Posts: 378 ✭✭Catphish


    Op, you need to distance yourself from the relationship your separated friend had with her ex. The fact that her ex is violent and your current partner isn't, is not comparable. I'm sure she is aware that you have been there for her, and I'm sure she has tried to be there for you too during your ups and downs. But it is very hard to keep advising someone when that advice falls on deaf ears. It's possible your friends have just run out of steam, and are letting you make your own choices. Hence the step back.
    mike_ie wrote: »
    but the fact that two friends have both decided to tell you that they don't think that your partner isn't right for you, and have both decided to keep their distance from you, does make me wonder if there is something bigger going on here than you are telling us, or that you are aware of.

    Like Mike, I feel that there is a lot more to this than we know of. Op, you might feel like the finer details don't matter, but they obviously do considering the stance your friends are taking. You are hurt over their reaction and being cut off, I understand that. But would two friends who've known you this long really cut you off unless they really felt like there was nothing further they can do? Think about it.


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