Can't stop backing off when reciprocated?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm just wondering if you could maybe shed some light or offer some guidance as to what I might be doing wrong.

Essentially, I've been interested in a few people since a long term relationship of mine disintegrated about 2 years ago.

Once or twice, my advances have been reciprocated by the women I've been interested in. I have no idea why but as soon as this happens, I get anxious of that person and want to back away. My feelings for them change totally and I want very little to do with them. Not only is it making me feel like crap but I also feed terrible for what would be considered leading them on.

I've no idea why this happens and am curious to hear what someone outside of my own mind thinks. So any thoughts you have would be greatly appreciated.

Many thanks,

MC

Merkin

Sounds like you're simply not ready to get into another relationship. Give it time.

Tiddlypeeps

It sounds like your still not over your previous relationship. Have you considered counseling, it might help you speed up the recovery process or to find out what the underlying issue is if it is not the previous relationship.

macplato

This could be many things, OP, but the pattern fits "fear of engulfment". Margaret Paul Ph.D. explains it quite well here.

Obliq

Jaysus, I was about to say "fear" alright, but not "fear of engulfment"! I'd suggest it's fear of letting go of complete control over your own emotions, tbh - the sense of panic building as you start to feel more and more connected to someone can be directly related to the fear of being let down again. In my view anyhow...

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks for all your input so far. Its nice to have an outsider's thoughts on things.

My previous relationship was very controlling and I did lose a large part of myself in it. That part I've regrown (rather successfully I might ad) over the last 2 years, but now I think I want to share it with someone else.

I have been to counselling about it and I accept that the relationship simply didn't work between us for the last year of it and for reasons I didn't understand then but do now (again, controlling issues on their part).

I want to at least try and jump back into things, push myself out of my comfort zone but I'm afraid this will also come at the expense of leading someone on too, which is never nice.

Again, thoughts are most welcome and thanks again for everything to date.

Feel

OP, it is a great and important step to regrow after losing a part of you in a controlling relationship. And it is of course understandable that you want to share thoughts and feeling with somebody.

You seem to have fears that something could happen again. Two things come to my mind. You can look into it again with counselling and you can stop pushing yourself to "jump".

Either you have not met the woman you feel comfortable with to share more or you are too much stuck in your old relationship issues. I'm afraid both would need further time to undergo change. Relax and mind yourself.

Obliq

mindchanger wrote: »

I want to at least try and jump back into things, push myself out of my comfort zone but I'm afraid this will also come at the expense of leading someone on too, which is never nice.

If you are honest, and I believe you are (from your insight into how you put the kibosh on relationships recently), you will continue to be honest with every woman you meet. If they're up to it (your honesty, which is the be all and end all of any true love), the relationship will continue on a level playing field.

It took some time for my delightfully wonderful and charming man to realise that the risk I was taking by coming back and back, and challenging him on walking away, was mine to take. I knew he was someone I deserved, and someone who I would love forever, whether we were together or not. I had to leave it to him to decide if his own fear of commitment would finish us or not. Thankfully not, but it was definitely touch and go for a while.

When you meet someone who can TELL YOU why they want to be with you, and let you be yourself within a relationship, you will know. That's all I can say really - the rest will for sure be in your court.

MugMugs

I don't believe that this is on the back of your past. Quite frankly, I've suffered the exact same. I can completely relate. And I personally now put it down to your defences telling you not to get involved because their not for you. When they are for you, it'll be reciprocated. You know when you know. Just give yourself a chance to know!

Obliq

Feel wrote: »

Either you have not met the woman you feel comfortable with to share more or you are too much stuck in your old relationship issues. I'm afraid both would need further time to undergo change. Relax and mind yourself.

I had a PS. that I forgot to add, and it's related to this^^^. Nobody knows in advance if the person they meet is the "right" one. You might feel comfortable for a while, and then suddenly you're sure things ain't right and it's a no-go.

My take on this is don't beat yourself up over being "unfair". We can only work with the information we have from day to day, and yes, while your backing off may be related to your experiences, it's still you working with what you have to offer/take from a relationship in the present moment. Don't deny yourself the chance just because it didn't work a few times. I'm presuming from your post that you're old and bold enough that the women you'll be attracted to are old enough/bold enough too. They're big girls now, and can take a risk on you. It's ok to take a chance if you're honest, and there should be no complaints I'd say. Nobody is taking advantage of anybody if honesty is spoken out loud.