Bad reaction

LegacyUser

My partner (of 10 years) & I recently got engaged. To be honest, I have been quite upset by my mothers reaction. She seemed completely shocked when I told her (and not in a good way), like the thought we would never move forward. Since she's been told, she's been very cold with me, not talking about it, never brings it up or seems in anyway happy for me. It's quite upsetting. But I'm not sure why I'm actually surprised. She takes very little joy in things going well for me in life & never asks how I am, or wants to know about things going on in my life. She likes my boyfriend, from what I can tell when she's around him.

The big but however is, that it is expected that her every whim will be met with regards to our wedding. Neither my partner or I are religious. My mother on the other hand, is religious in the extreme. So, it is expected that we will marry in a church. My brother, on being told the news that we got engaged, said for my mother's sake, we should have the wedding in a church. It would devastate her if we didn't.

We now feel all this pressure to suit her. My head is wrecked

Tokyo

You've been with the same person for ten years - how exactly did she envisage things working out?? Is there some other possible factor at play here by any chance? For example, does she feel that once you are married, you and your partner will move away, or will start a family and thus will have less time to spend with her?

Regarding the wedding itself - I understand the wish to please parents, but at the end of the day it's YOUR big day, not hers, and if you choose not to go down the church route, well she'll just have to accept it. While I'm sure she will be upset, I think that saying it would "devastate her" is a bit much - she'll get over it.

I think in both cases, you need to sit down and talk to her about this, adult to adult. Explain to her that you were hoping for a better reaction to your good news, and ask her why she doesn't seem to be happy for you and your partner. And talk to her about the wedding - even if it isn't what she wanted, you can still offer her the chance to be involved in the preparations, and it may mollify things somewhat.

Merkin

Why on earth should she have any say whatsoever in how you choose to marry? The fact she can't even share in your happiness would render her persona non grata in my book and she'd be bloody lucky to get an invite at all!

You're a grown woman, you don't HAVE to do anything. Plan the wedding without consulting her and do what you and your fiancé want. She sounds so terminally miserable that were Pope Francis himself to be celebrant at the Mass she'd have a gripe. Suit yourselves and nobody else!

LegacyUser

Your brother basically doesn't want to have to deal with your mother's reaction as he knows exactly how she'll be from now until the wedding.

Planning your wedding on the desires of some other person will drive you both crazy.

If your mother respects you then she'll respect your decision (although by the sounds of it, that won't happen).

There are many Irish parents who would rather their kids be hypocrites than have a non religious ceremony.

You could chat to your local priest and get him to explain it to her - if he'd be up for explaining that as you aren't religious, that there would be no point for you to get married in a church.

ABajaninCork

I hear you, OP. My mother had exactly the same reaction when I got engaged. Then, when she got the good news I was marrying and moving here, she tried to blackmail me by saying she wasn't coming to the wedding.

I was very upset, but in the end, ignored her, left her out of the planning and pushed on regardless. And you know what? She did come to the wedding! I guess no surprise there, as I'd invited a couple of her friends who I knew, and questions would have been asked! Now - she resorts to passive aggressive behaviour and telling lies about me and my husband to the family as she didn't get her way.

Your day -YOUR WAY. I wouldn't be going out of my way to please her. Sit her down, and calmly tell her your plans. Tell her they are not up for discussion or negotiation.

Try not not to let it upset you too much. Enjoy the planning, and ENJOY YOUR DAY! I wish you all the very best for your new life and beyond.

Big Bag of Chips

Maybe her lack of enthusiasm about your engagement is because she knows it won't be a traditional wedding, in a church. Maybe she thinks the neighbours will "talk" etc. Not that that should make a blind bit of difference, but it might explain her reaction. She is traditional and set in her ways. She can't help how she feels (but she should try her best to at least appear happy about what happens!)

My brother stopped going to mass after his confirmation. It took my parents (father in particular) a long time to accept that he didn't believe in God. They still find it difficult to understand, to be honest, but after nearly 30 years they've accepted that this is what he thinks. He didn't have a religious wedding, and his kids weren't baptised. This too took a little bit of getting used to, but they have accepted it. There was no fall out. There were no arguments. They felt his wedding a bit "unusual"... Because it WAS different to the "usual" weddings they'd ever been to.

People of that generation believed unquestioning. And indeed were discouraged from questioning. So it is now a built-in, conditioned belief. Our generation have more freedom to question, and more information at our finger tips to allow us to comfortably question previously unquestioned beliefs.

I know its easy for me to say, but I would try not to take your mother's reaction TOO much to heart. She has believed one thing for probably 50 years, or so. She also comes from a time of conformity, and "toeing-the-line" so to speak. She might think that you doing your own thing with regards your wedding will somehow reflect badly on her (little does she realise people have enough to be getting on with, without getting worked up about how someone else decides to get married!)

I'm not trying to condone her behaviour, by the way. Just trying to explain where she might be coming from. Of course she should he happy to live and let live. But if she has been conditioned to think one way for her entire life, then it's not something she will easily be able to put to the side.

Carry on with your own plans, and please yourself. Involve your mother in different aspects if you can etc.. You never know, she might surprise you and enjoy the different type of wedding, and be going around telling people of the lovely ceremony you had

Good luck with it all. Exciting times ahead for you!

R.D. aka MR.D

i agree with Big Bag of Chips. The first thing i thought when i read your post was that she is probably worried about what the neighbours think or the relations or some such thing.

Don't get married in a church just to keep her happy. Your an adult and you don't need mammy's approval on anything.

CaraMay

Absolutely do not get married in a church when you are a non believer. It's an absolute insult to the sacriment and insult to believers (I a non believer myself).

You are a grown woman and you need to handle this for your own sanity and that of your future husband. It's not fair to ask him to marry in a church either. Manage your mother.

sadie06

My advice is to plan the venue, ceremony and date quietly, and then tell her the facts together, as a couple. She will take it much better coming from both of you.

Then pick a couple of things that don't particularly matter to you and give her a say. Narrow your menu, flower, or colour scheme down to options you really like and ask her advice on the final decisions, just to make her feel involved.

If that doesn't go well….ignore, ignore, ignore! As another poster said, she will show up on the day regardless.

LegacyUser

OP here, thank you all so much for your replies, I really appreciate it.

Suppose at this stage, I'm just a bit taken aback at how cold she is being about the engagement in general, she doesn't seem happy for us at all.

She doesn't have an idea at this stage that we aren't planning on getting married in a church - it has never really come up. My brother would know that I'm not religious so I suppose knew he wanted to get that in.

Wish I could just be strong and stand up for myself, but my confidence is pretty low at the moment, and feel like I'm letting people down.

ABajaninCork

You're not letting anyone down. The only person you'll be letting down will be you and your partner if you don't make a stand now and do things to please YOURSELVES!

What does your partner say?

Merkin

so_sad wrote: »

Wish I could just be strong and stand up for myself, but my confidence is pretty low at the moment, and feel like I'm letting people down.

This actually doesn't involve any other people though, everyone else is on the peripheries my dear because a marriage is between you and your fiancé. (Congratulations by the way! )

Start as you mean to go on. Plan your special day between the two of you and only something that is personal to both of you. Because you're not marrying your mother, or your brother or anyone else for that matter and it would be sheer hypocrisy to get married in a church when you don't believe. You don't have to broadcast your plans, the fewer people you tell then the fewer noses that will be out of joint and the less people can interfere.

It's not so much as standing up for yourself as simply being very economical with what you disclose. Forge ahead, plan your dream wedding with the lovely man you're going to share your life with and don't defer to anyone who doesn't have your best interests at heart.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Start as you mean to go on.

^^ This OP, once you start down the road of allowing others to dictate your plans then your stuck on that path. You'll agree to a church wedding but then it will be a specific church. You'll be pressured over the date to suit other people, forced to invite people 'because they're family' etc etc Look twenty years down the line, do you want to be pulling out your wedding photos to show kids/grandkids and feel annoyed that they aren't what you wanted. I'm not someone who is into weddings but do feel it's one of the few occasions were your allowed be a little selfish over certain things. For most people going to weddings as a guest you find many weddings blur into one big event but for the couple it's something they want to remember for THEIR choices and personal touches that make it special for them.

LegacyUser

so_sad wrote: »

and feel like I'm letting people down.

You know, I have so much respect for my friends and family who weren't religious and decided not to do the church wedding etc....

It would not have rung true on the day and they'd have been dying inside for the sake of the folks...

Instead they did their own thing and it made no difference to the days themselve. They were just weddings, albeit slightly different. You wouldn't have noticed the lack of religion from the ceremonies.

What I did notice at the weddings of my non religious friends going through the vows etc was how hollow and fake it was - these would be people who wouldn't even go to mass on Christmas day yet had the rest of us sitting through a ceremony that they didn't even believe in.

So do what you like and let others deal with it.

Be true to yourself and your own beliefs.

Tramps Like Us

Maybe your mum doesnt like your partner?

Fentdog84

You seem to be almost living in fear trying to please this woman and worrying about what she thinks..Its time to stand up for yourself and do what you feel is right for you..its your day,not hers..

Neyite

Word for word, I could probably write your post, except its my partners mother that is religious and putting pressure on him. He is in your position and has decided that he would like to just do the church wedding for a quiet life. And maybe like your partner might if you decide similarly, I'm falling into line on it because its what he wants.

Honestly, I'm struggling with it, because she is not one bit grateful or acknowledges that we are doing it for her. She cannot see beyond her own religion and has no comprehension that anyone else might not have the same faith as her. My discomfort, her sons discomfort means absolutely nothing to her. She is still moaning, and has now decided to hold me responsible for her sons lack of faith, not withstanding he denounced mass when he was in his teens, as far as she is concerned its not the way that she reared him so ergo, it must be my heathen influence.

I'm annoyed because it IS a big deal to me to have to marry in a religion I don't believe in, and the fact that she seems to have absolutely no consideration for that, or for another persons beliefs (or lack thereof) really rankles. We used to be pretty friendly, but I've avoided her since we got engaged and this all blew up. I have no interest in engaging with her now.

I do not believe I'm a hypocrite for getting married in a church as a non-believer, though for some posters I clearly would be but what do I do when the man I love, who I've loved for nearly a decade, who is the father of my child, and hopefully the father of future ones, wants a church wedding?

I've spoken to our local priest, who is actually a really sound guy. I was absolutely clear on my lack of faith, and the pressure we have experienced. He was really nice, and incredibly accommodating, suggesting secular type of ceremony, and omitting the mass. He said that his community's church welcomes all faiths and none as far as he is concerned. He knows that me marrying in his church is something I'm uncomfortable with and he was very kind to reassure me that its ok with him, and therefore should be ok with me.

So my suggestion? Dont do what we are doing.:D Decide for yourselves. Your sacrifice wont even be acknowledged anyway, so why bother? And chances are if you yield to her on this, you'll end up hearing about all the other stuff you are doing wrong and what way you should be doing it instead.