mixed signals?

LegacyUser

I met a woman a few years ago that I would see in my area but never really chatted to, just smile and say hello when we saw each other in passing

Last Sept, we got talking and would chat online every night for hours and would go for coffee about 6 or 7 times. SHe was very interested in me, said she always wanted to know me properly from when she used to see me, thought I was good looking, liked chatting to me etc etc and I felt similar too

She went back to her home country for the xmas and when she came back she was very different, had no time to see me and couldnt say that she still wanted to see me. I was a little surprised but nothing I could really do about it other than accept it. We still chatted maybe once every couple of weeks by meeting up for coffee. She explained she suffers from depression

About 3 weeks ago, she emailed to say she couldnt meet up, had bad news, so I said if she wanted to chat about it-id listen or wanted to meet up to take her mind of things etc she said she would like to meet up over the st patricks weekend. she didnt

I never contacted her the week or so before as I didnt want to keep contacting her and give her her space.

Yesterday she contacted me about 3 weeks of no chat. Said "hi, how are you?"

I just replied " hi, im good thanks, hope you are too?"

she replied "im good thanks "


that was it

Would I be right to assume everything is dead and buried in terms of even friendship? Im just wondering why she decided to get back in touch and should I have said more? I dont know. I dont want to be "chasing" someone that doesnt want to be "chased"

In spite of all this, I like her alot

thoughts?

thanks

Tokyo

confusedoverwoman wrote: »

I dont want to be "chasing" someone that doesnt want to be "chased"

...but right now that's exactly what you are doing.

You want something more than friendship with this woman, but right now she doesn't want anything with you. Since Christmas she has avoided you, backed out on meeting you twice, and other than a couple of polite text messages there doesn't seem to be any sign of that changing. It doesn't really matter if the reason is related to her depression, or if something happened over the Christmas that you aren't aware of - that's where her head is at right now.

As to whether you can salvage a friendship from this, well that's up to you really. But the fact that you are still actively pursuing her would indicate that you still want far more than that, and I'm not sure you'd be satisfied with just being friends. If that's the case then honestly the best thing you could do is give her space to sort out her own life, and use the time yourself to meet somebody that reciprocates your feelings.

LegacyUser

hi, sorry-maybe i didnt word myself properly. I had backed off completely. It was herself that would text me out the blue to meet up after xmas and we would meet up.

It was a few weeks ago she messaged me one evening to say she was going through a bad spell and I replied saying if she need to chat or meet up Id be happy to

I never messaged her after that and she then text the other night-asking how I was

As I say, im being 100% honest-i havent been texting her only replying to her texts

that is why I am confused

Having said that, your general conclusion seems what im thinking anyway-just to leave it and perhaps not even bother replying either

LegacyUser

sorry, op again

Im after reading my initial post and your reply and im more confused- again it is probably I didnt word it correctly, not sure?

Yes after xmas she said she didnt have the same thoughts about us as she did before xmas-she said in her own words-she wasnt saying no or yes, just at this moment she wasnt sure

we still met up a few times since up until mid feb-all on her asking me NOT me asking her

I think,you misread my post perhaps or I was confusing it my op post?

thanks

LegacyUser

hi, it seems to be, OP, that she has been the one doing all the chasing? if she has been the one always initiating the texts and whatnot...it could be that she thinks you just arent that bothered?

LegacyUser

hi,

This is where Im "confused"

before Xmas it was mutual, we were both contacting and meeting up on our own asking each other out

Since Jan, when she said things had changed, I did back off, we met up about 3 times from mid jan to mid feb.

Then she said about this bad time etc so I gave her her space. My own thoughts were that she had gone cold on the idea and just wanted to drift off slowly out the picture

I was just wondering why text 2 weeks later just to say hi how are you, I replied back politely im good and asked how she was. she replied im good

That was it

Maybe just felt like saying hello out of interest, i just wasnt sure should I ask her some day-hi how are you ie in similar vain or just leave it as it is


sorry for all the confusion, Im probably making a drama out of nothing

LegacyUser

it also sounds like something changed for her when she was at home for christmas in her country. There could be anything going on in the background, perhaps her family have some sort of issue with her seeing you? maybe she's thinking about returning home to her country at some point? realistically there could be anything going on in the background there. I think after this amount of time you don't have to worry about coming on too strong or anything if you were to initiate contact at this point. Id recommend trying to meet up with her and find out what the story is. At least then you'll know, and even if its bad news you wont be going around with any false hope...

LegacyUser

thanks, yes I agree seems somthing changed over the xmas.

Ive decided from reading this thread and in my mind,Ill just leave it and see if she contacts again. if she does great and if not, she doesnt

When she told me a few weeks ago about being in a bad place at the moment, I replied if she needed to talk I could meet up. she didnt reply for a week which was unusual but as I say I gave her space

she then contacted to apologise for not replying and said we could maybe meet up over the bank holiday weekend, I said yes that would be good but I would leave it with her as she wasnt 100% sure if she felt she would or wouldnt. she didnt contact over the weekend in the end and I wasnt to be honest expecting her to either

She did contact then on the tue night

thanks for all the input, even just typing this out has given me my answer

mods can close if they wish, thanks

strobe

You seem to really like her. Tell her you think she's hot and really fun and ask her out. If she's not into it for whatever reason then you'll know soon enough. If she's not interested say 'well can't blame a guy for trying, no big deal,' then text on as you have been before and you can move on. But won't know if you don't ask.

Merkin

All this meeting for coffee and online chats and not knowing where you stand is a waste of time. Ask her out on a date and if she says no then delete her number and move on.

LegacyUser

just a quick update

havent heard from her and I havent txt her since she messaged me a couple of weeks ago asking how I was in which I replied politely

ie hi xxx how are you?

me hi xxxx im good thanks, hopefully you are too?

her im good thanks


anyway didnt see her the last 2 weeks where I would normally see her as we would both collect our kids from school

2 days ago she was there, walked past me and just said hi and I said hi back but she made a point of not standing beside me as she always would do

I just accepted the way things were and that was that

same thing again today, said hello but made point of not stopping


I decided as we no longer talk at all I will delete her skype address, after all she has made it perfectly clear for whatever reason she wants distance.

I now get a message saying- how childish?! deleting me. ok do what you want



Is this childish? Im genuinely confused in the first instance of her distancing herself from me so abruptly but people do and I accept that, just odd then to txt me out the blue again then give the cold shoulder so to speak and feel annoyed that I have deleted them from skype

why would I have the address if we dont talk at all?

Isnt the advice on here always to give people their space, not to communicate with them and delete etc etc. Ive done everything by the book

Tokyo

OP,

there is no "by the book" for these situations - all you can really do is figure out what's best for yourself in these scenarios. You've tried being polite after she said that she needed to take a step back, read the situation as her not really being bothered either way and you deleted her skype contact based on how you read her actions. At the end of the say, that's all you can really do.

To be honest, she sounds like a bit of a headwrecker - she's asked for space and is now bent out of shape that you are giving her that space. If it were me I'd leave her with all the space she desired, and get on with living my own life.

LegacyUser

agree, I was just self doubting myself that maybe it was petty to delete but I just dont see the point now that she has made her self clear the last few weeks

yes definitely closing this one off

thanks all for advice

retro:electro

Sounds like she still wants the attention from you because she knows you like her. You did the right thing in deleting her.

Karen8

If i were you, I did the same.
This women sounds like a complete mess, i guess she is using you as an ego boost and just loves your attention. Well done for deleting her, you're better off.