Confusing situation

LegacyUser

Hi all,
So I have a bit of a dilemna at the moment. Basically a girl moved into our house 6 months ago and since we're a house of mostly guys there was a bit of interest in her. I personally didn't find her attractive at the time and we didn't really talk much. She got very close to one guy and then suddenly they weren't speaking any more. Then the exact same thing happened with another guy. Then out of the blue she started messaging me on facebook asking me when I would be coming back to the house ( I go home most weekends, we are all students) and saying that we should do stuff together. So I thought she was interested, but I wasn't. I noticed she was quite lonely since this stuff happened with the other two guys and also she's not from Ireland so didn't seem to have any friends. I decided I'd hang out with her and keep her company.
We became very close and eventually she confided in me that she was confused about her sexuality and leaned more towards being a lesbian. However she thought she felt something for one of these guys. When she told them this they stopped speaking to her, seemingly thinking of they couldn't be with her she wasn't worth knowing. My relationship has since broken down with them over that. And she is still devastated over the whole thing as she just wanted to make friends.
She mentioned that she never got male attention at home and this was all new to her. From then on we became very close best friends. We spend all our time together, eat together, shop together watch movies. Eventually I started to find her amazing, and beautiful and slowly I fell in love with her. I fell so much on love with her personality and suddenly I realized how gorgeous she was. But I decided I would never try anything because of her bad experience with the other two guys and I would only betray her.
The problem started recently. Her behaviour has changed towards me. She often stares at me intensely. Tells me I have nice eyes, the other day she was staring to closely into my eyes I thought she was going to kiss me. She keeps asking me for massages. And hugging me for no reason. Yesterday while we were just chatting she took my hand and started rubbing it and holding it while continuing to talk. Last week she actually started to cry saying how unfair it was that I didn't have a girlfriend, because I was so amazing. She was said she wished I was a girl so that we could be together.
My initial decision was that she's so confused and vulnerable that I won't betray her this way and just be there for her but my feelings for her are so strong now it's insane. I love her to bits. It would be the greatest thing to happen to me if we got together but I just don't know if she's interested in me or just completely comfortable with me as a friend.
There's so much on the line if I tell her my feelings and I don't want to hurt her but I'd hate if there could be something and I let it pass by. I know she cares about me a lot too.
We're going on holiday together in summer for two weeks and I'm worried that its now unfair of me to spend time with her as my intentions may have changed which I hate myself for. Has anyone any advice? I can't stop spending time with her, she needs someone at this moment in her life to talk to, so I can't get over it by avoiding her. Should I stop being selfish and try and forget about it?
Thanks.

Tokyo

Thats not "a bit of a dilemma OP, it's an all out mess. It seems pretty obvious that neither you, the guys that you live with, or the foreign girl that moved in seem to be familiar with the expression "you don't **** where you eat"....

• Your housemates wanted to hook up with her and dropped everything with her when they realised that they couldn't.
• You didn't want to hook up with her, and now you are besotted with her.
• You're not talking to your housemates because of this now.
• She is confused about her sexuality, has worked her way through your flatmates and onto you as friend material, and wishes that you were a woman so that you could be her lesbian lover?!

To be honest, to varying degrees you are all as bad as each other in the fact that none of you seem to have boundaries as to what's appropriate in a housesharing situation, and while you all have a certain percentage of the responsibility to take in the situation that you all find yourselves in now, the catalyst in all this is certainly the girl.

I'm trying to be kind here OP, but she seems to be a trainwreck at the moment, and while I understand that she is confused about her sexuality, it also seems that she is desperately seeking some sort of comfort/validation/support from anyone that will listen and has systematically worked her way through the household - it just so happens that right now you're 'it'. Did you ever consider that part of the reason your other two male flatmates want nothing to do with her now is that she was this intense and overwhelming with them too?

I appreciate that you say you want to be a good friend, but that's not entirely true, is it? Because you do have an agenda in this. You're hoping that she'll wake up some morning, realise that she loves you, and it'll be happy ever after. My honest opinion is that I think the last thing you should be doing is going on holidays with her - you are in love with her and disguising it as friendship, and she is unsure as to whether she wants a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and wishes that you could be her girlfriend. It sounds like best case scenario, she has a lot of things to figure out for herself, and the last thing she needs is a relationship, or a lovestruck housemate following her around the place.

On the contrary, there's a few months ahead of you all just living in the same house as each other, which is already uncomfortable... if it were me I'd be looking into finding somewhere else to live, away from all that drama.....

LegacyUser

Hey OP

I agree with Mike for sure, and one thing I will say is I definitely do not think your 2 week holiday with her should go ahead. Even if it is a case that's she's not meaning to mess with your head - she already has and quite badly too. You're in love with her and as confused as she is I don't think it's fair of her to keep going with this friendship.
Maybe she said the exact same things to the other housemates (did you even find out their sides of the story?) and they were quick to drop her but she has you hooked. I'm speculating here I know but do you know what the full story was with the other 2 guys?
I understand she is confused and it's a tough way to be living not knowing who you are in life but honestly you both sound like you're bf & gf to me??
Maybe you will have more info in your next post but right now I have a bad feeling about this whole thing and think Mike is right, you should probably think about moving!

LegacyUser

mike_ie wrote: »

Thats not "a bit of a dilemma OP, it's an all out mess. It seems pretty obvious that neither you, the guys that you live with, or the foreign girl that moved in seem to be familiar with the expression "you don't **** where you eat"....

• Your housemates wanted to hook up with her and dropped everything with her when they realised that they couldn't.
• You didn't want to hook up with her, and now you are besotted with her.
• You're not talking to your housemates because of this now.
• She is confused about her sexuality, has worked her way through your flatmates and onto you as friend material, and wishes that you were a woman so that you could be her lesbian lover?!

To be honest, to varying degrees you are all as bad as each other in the fact that none of you seem to have boundaries as to what's appropriate in a housesharing situation, and while you all have a certain percentage of the responsibility to take in the situation that you all find yourselves in now, the catalyst in all this is certainly the girl.

I'm trying to be kind here OP, but she seems to be a trainwreck at the moment, and while I understand that she is confused about her sexuality, it also seems that she is desperately seeking some sort of comfort/validation/support from anyone that will listen and has systematically worked her way through the household - it just so happens that right now you're 'it'. Did you ever consider that part of the reason your other two male flatmates want nothing to do with her now is that she was this intense and overwhelming with them too?

I appreciate that you say you want to be a good friend, but that's not entirely true, is it? Because you do have an agenda in this. You're hoping that she'll wake up some morning, realise that she loves you, and it'll be happy ever after. My honest opinion is that I think the last thing you should be doing is going on holidays with her - you are in love with her and disguising it as friendship, and she is unsure as to whether she wants a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and wishes that you could be her girlfriend. It sounds like best case scenario, she has a lot of things to figure out for herself, and the last thing she needs is a relationship, or a lovestruck housemate following her around the place.

On the contrary, there's a few months ahead of you all just living in the same house as each other, which is already uncomfortable... if it were me I'd be looking into finding somewhere else to live, away from all that drama.....

I'm not disguising anything as friendship. And there's no agenda. You make me sound like a creep. The reason the other two don't speak to her is because they wanted to sleep with her and she rejected them. It's a very childish attitude that you can't be friends with a girl I feel. I have. a lot of female friends and this has never happened. Our relationship was born out friendship, I never Went looking for this so don't **** where you eat doesn't apply. If she turned around tomorrow and said 'look, I'm getting some vibes and just so you know I'm not interested' that I would just up and leave and never speak to her? I would work entirely to save our friendship. It's very hard to express vibes, people and situations with just words on a website but she is a very genuine girl and sought me out because she wanted a friend and i do feel like a piece of **** for letting this happen but i cant just switch off my emotions. appreciate the reply.

LegacyUser

confused25 wrote: »

I'm not disguising anything as friendship. And there's no agenda. You make me sound like a creep. The reason the other two don't speak to her is because they wanted to sleep with her and she rejected them. It's a very childish attitude that you can't be friends with a girl I feel. I have. a lot of female friends and this has never happened. Our relationship was born out friendship, I never Went looking for this so don't **** where you eat doesn't apply. If she turned around tomorrow and said 'look, I'm getting some vibes and just so you know I'm not interested' that I would just up and leave and never speak to her? I would work entirely to save our friendship. It's very hard to express vibes, people and situations with just words on a website but she is a very genuine girl and sought me out because she wanted a friend and i do feel like a piece of **** for letting this happen but i cant just switch off my emotions. appreciate the reply.

Just to add I have the other two guys story, and it was a case of them fancying her and feeling hurt when she rejected them, they stopped being friendly with her around when we got close. They also don't speak to eachother. And yes the whole thing is a mess and I'm fairly certain nothing will come of it. its just some of the signals are so confusing. And there's two things I'm certain of and just hope you guys can work off this assumption and that is that she would be completely devastated if I would cut ties with her, and also that she doesn't mean to cause me any hurt. I'm at fault here, I don't how this happened. ive had relationships before and never felt this. and I'm starting to think that maybe the best option is to just carry on, support her how i can and hope she finds somebody and I can move on. I can't inflict that pain on her by disappearing. and I'm not some kid that has a crush following her around. she seeks me out most of the time, even gets upset when I feel upset. I don't know, I've had chances to sleep with a couple of girls recently and had no interest.

retro:electro

She sounds like a head f***.
Something about your post doesn't sit right with me. I don't know this girl but I know that there is something that I don't quite like.. She sounds like she needs a lot of attention/affirmation and you happen to be the guy who will give it to her as the last two couldn't be bothered.
I really hope she isn't playing mind games with you.

ManOfMystery

For what it's worth, I think the replies above are a tad on the harsh side. It's not like you embarked on some false friendship to lure her into bed, by your own admission you didn't even find her attractive. She is your friend and you have slowly fallen in love with her. No-one can really criticise you for that.

The situation is this now though. She is one confused girl, and you have 3 options : continue on as you are, tell her how you feel and deal with the fallout whatever it may be, or distance yourself from her until (and that's IF) she sorts her head out.

Only you can decide which of those options will potentially lead to the least heartache.

Personally I'm a romantic at heart and a nothing-ventured-nothing-gained kinda guy, so I would probably tell her how I feel. She's saying one thing, but there's also signs there that she does see some boyfriend qualities in you. That's not to say it's the correct approach for everyone though.

pharmaton

confused25 wrote: »

Our relationship was born out friendship

don't know if you noticed this but you're already referring to what you have as a relationship. The fact that you will defend her here despite all the advice you are going to get is testament to how deeply involved you are with her. In your mind it's already a relationship. I suspect the fact you can't have her is only making you desire her more, and I'd almost wager that you will tell her you love her, I just hope you don't get hurt by it all OP.

LegacyUser

anna080 wrote: »

She sounds like a head f***.
Something about your post doesn't sit right with me. I don't know this girl but I know that there is something that I don't quite like.. She sounds like she needs a lot of attention/affirmation and you happen to be the guy who will give it to her as the last two couldn't be bothered.
I really hope she isn't playing mind games with you.

Totally agree with this. For what it's worth, I don't think you sound in any way like a creep - but I think she sounds awful.

She has systematically worked her way through your household, and you are guy no 3. That's just v odd, for someone who isn't into men. I get that she is confused and all that, but she sounds like an almighty head wreck tbh. She is messing with your feelings - which makes her selfish at best, and a drama queen attention seeking manipulator (who wants someone to hang on her every whim) at worst. The truth is probably somewhere in between.

If she is getting you to help her with assignments, run errands/do things that she is too 'confused' to do (like dealing with awkward house-share stuff) / pay for things - then run far and fast.

The best and kindest interpretation that I can think of is that you are her emotional crutch. The worst, and I feel the more realistic, is that she is very used to make attention - and that you are the latest in a long line of men that she has manipulated into being her lackey.

strobe

Hmmm. I don't know the girl, never met her, so obviously this is just my impression from your relaying of the situation... but I'd definitely agree with Anna and Steer Clear. Sounds like she knows exactly what she's doing, isn't confused about anything whatsoever, lives for male attention, is well used to it and knows how to use it to her advantage, and the babe in the woods routine is a load of bollix.

FairytaleGirl

For some reason I get the feeling she stopped speaking to the other boys because they made a move on her, just as much as they purposely backed away.

Why dont you encourage her to explore her sexuality?LGBT groups, gay bars etc

Dont confuse her being comfortable with you with her fancying you - she actually treats you like straight Girls are with gay best friend's.
If she Is a lesbian - SHE WILL HAVE NO INTEREST IN YOU ROMANTICALLY OR SEXUALLY.

Which leaves you as friends - which leaves your current 'relation' inappropriate. Would you treat any guy friendships the same way? Sounds like you need to back off and make boundaries. Encourage her to get out and meet girls and you should look elsewhere too, as this will not end well if it keeps going the way it's going.

Matteroffact

First of all OP you owe it to yourself to get as far away from this girl as possible. She is using you to boost her ego and make no mistake about it she knows how you feel but she is keeping her distance by telling you she is a lesbian. She does not love you and does not want a relationship with you and if this is how you feel about her then you need to distance yourself from her. It won't take her long to find another sucker. Sorry OP but you are being a sucker here and a friendship with this girl is not going to work if you feel more. Get out now before she makes a total idiot of you altogether.

My God, what an absolute trainwreck of a woman.

She seems like someone that lives off of the attention from people. Hell, it's hard to tell whether the whole "confused about sexuality" thing is genuine or if it just some way to get more attention <shrugs>. The way she acts (massage, hugs, staring intensely into the eyes) isn't exactly how someone that is confused about their sexuality acts. I don't know - maybe it's a culture thing too. You mentioned she wasn't from Ireland. Where is she from?