Social Anxiety / No confidence Advice

LegacyUser

I am a 31 year old guy. Basically, I have no social life. I never did. I was always the quiet guy. All my life. In primary school, I was by far the shyest person in my class. Pretty much the same in secondary school and college. I suppose I have some form of social anxiety.
This has led to a situation where I never have had a girlfriend. Can you imagine that, at 30 and never had a girlfriend…

Often, you see news reports about people charged with murder or some serious criminal and they nearly always have a girlfriend. It makes me wonder what women really see in guys. I have some female friends and have seen them in relationship and guys have treated them terribly. I would never do that. Maybe I am just too nice – people always say women have no interest in nice guys. And the more I see of the world, the more I think this is the case
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I am a good guy, have a good job, well paid, have lots of hobbies & interests, stay fit etc. I cant imagine that I am particularly good looking. Girls have never shown any interest in me. Just a few drunken nights where girls have shown interest – I have always turned them down because I don’t want to sleep with drunk girls.

I know that finding a girlfriend would not be the answer to my social anxiety issues. But how will I ever find a girlfriend when I have these social anxiety issues? When I am out, I never approach women. The times those drunk girls have come on to me have been instances where they have approached me. So I complain about never having a girlfriend, yet I have never made an effort to get one. I think maybe some sort of confidence course would be good for me. But they are so expensive and there is no guarantee that they would be any good. Has anybody on here ever taken part in such a course? Or can recommend one for me? Or recommend anything for me?

LegacyUser

hi OP its not that women don't like nice guys, but we do like a guy who will make the first move, and nice guys often don't do this, so they don't get the girls, if you wait for the women to come to you you could be waiting a long time (in the end nobody wants to be the one to make the first move, but there is a certain stigma against females who do (seen as desperate) whereas when guys do it its seen as romantic (if done in the right context) .just my two cents...

ivytwine

OP I hope that this doesn't come across too harshly. But here goes.

LookingforAdvice wrote: »

Often, you see news reports about people charged with murder or some serious criminal and they nearly always have a girlfriend.

There is a plentiful supply of naive, insecure and plain stupid people (male and female) in the world. Would you WANT a woman who would date a man like that?

Also, think of the character of some the women involved. Was recently talking to someone about some of the undesirables in our capital city, and how a girlfriend of a man who narrowly escaped being riddled by bullets was laughing about it like it was something funny that happened in the supermarket. People with the darkest, most damaged and negative characters will always find each other.

LookingforAdvice wrote: »

It makes me wonder what women really see in guys. I have some female friends and have seen them in relationship and guys have treated them terribly. I would never do that. Maybe I am just too nice – people always say women have no interest in nice guys. And the more I see of the world, the more I think this is the case

This is bull to be honest. The whole 'nice guys finish last thing' is rubbish, here's why.

Sometimes, you hear guys saying "Ugh, I've been so nice to Mary Sue. I've taken her to the cinema, I've held her hair back when she puked, I've handed her tissues while she cried about Brad cheating on her, ugh, I'm in the friendzone- waaaaa!"

Sorry, but women owe you nothing, and they are entitled not to go out with you if they don't want to. Being a nice guy is not a bad thing- give me a nice guy over some brute any day. But when their motivations for being nice are all wrong- when a guy thinks, "Oh, I'll be super nice to Mary Sue and one day she'll realise I was here all the time!" and this involves you being a doormat running around after her, it won't win her respect. It's Milhouse from the Simpsons syndrome- at one point he thinks about Lisa "When she sees you'll do anything she says, she's bound to respect you!" This does not make you a nice guy, it makes you an idiot.

Maybe the guys your friends were with weren't all bad. Perhaps their relationships were a meeting of equals, with factors you have no idea about contributing to the break-up.

Maybe the guys were jerks. Maybe they just acted badly. But here's the point- they acted. How do you expect to get a girlfriend by osmosis?

I'm not all women- and we're not a homogenous mass of gloopy mascara either- but I like a man with character. A man who will tell me that I'm wrong. A man who will back me up when I'm right. A man with a soul and kindness and decency. None of these things are mutually exclusive.

Sorry but the nice guys finish last thing is nonsense. If you're a jerk, it will come back and bite you. If you're a jerk to get girls, you'll turn yourself bitter.

LookingforAdvice wrote: »

I am a good guy, have a good job, well paid, have lots of hobbies & interests, stay fit etc. I cant imagine that I am particularly good looking. Girls have never shown any interest in me. Just a few drunken nights where girls have shown interest – I have always turned them down because I don’t want to sleep with drunk girls.

You sound like a decent guy and a good catch. You see those girls that wanted to sleep with you? They probably wanted to sleep with you sober, but maybe they didn't have the courage to approach you first.

LookingforAdvice wrote: »

I know that finding a girlfriend would not be the answer to my social anxiety issues. But how will I ever find a girlfriend when I have these social anxiety issues? When I am out, I never approach women. The times those drunk girls have come on to me have been instances where they have approached me. So I complain about never having a girlfriend, yet I have never made an effort to get one. I think maybe some sort of confidence course would be good for me. But they are so expensive and there is no guarantee that they would be any good. Has anybody on here ever taken part in such a course? Or can recommend one for me? Or recommend anything for me?

You know exactly what your problem is. As they say in sports, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. How can you get a girlfriend if you never talk to a woman?

Confidence training would be good for you I think OP. Also, maybe chat to the female friends you mentioned, ask them for advice on how to approach women. Forget clubs and try pubs with a relaxed atmosphere, get talking to people on a relaxed basis and see what happens.

Sorry if my post is a bit harsh but I think you know yourself you might need a bit of a boot on this one. Good luck OP

whiskeyman

It sounds like you have confidence and self esteems issues.
I was similar to yourself up to around college, but I tried to hard to 'come out of my shell'.
I joined / set up clubs and became more vocal. I organised things and got involved with people. I focused on not caring what others thought of me - this was bickering on my mind for years.
Through that, it really helped my confidence and self esteem.
I think you should focus on that before focusing on a girlfriend specifically.
If you are happy and confident around people, you'll be moving in the right direction.
From there, you'd be surprised what can happen. Self confidence (not cockyness) can be a wonderful thing.

LegacyUser

"There is a plentiful supply of naive, insecure and plain stupid people (male and female) in the world. Would you WANT a woman who would date a man like that?

Also, think of the character of some the women involved. Was recently talking to someone about some of the undesirables in our capital city, and how a girlfriend of a man who narrowly escaped being riddled by bullets was laughing about it like it was something funny that happened in the supermarket. People with the darkest, most damaged and negative characters will always find each other"

No, obviously I have no interest in dating those type of people. But I think you know the point I was making. How can bad people find this so easy compared to a good person like me? That was essentially the point. I suppose I am no more deserving than anybody else but I think you get my point.

"Sorry, but women owe you nothing, and they are entitled not to go out with you if they don't want to. Being a nice guy is not a bad thing- give me a nice guy over some brute any day. But when their motivations for being nice are all wrong- when a guy thinks, "Oh, I'll be super nice to Mary Sue and one day she'll realise I was here all the time!" and this involves you being a doormat running around after her, it won't win her respect. It's Milhouse from the Simpsons syndrome- at one point he thinks about Lisa "When she sees you'll do anything she says, she's bound to respect you!" This does not make you a nice guy, it makes you an idiot. "

Yes, this is a very good point. I think maybe in the past that I have been a doormat at times. But not so much in recent years.

"Maybe the guys your friends were with weren't all bad. Perhaps their relationships were a meeting of equals, with factors you have no idea about contributing to the break-up.

Maybe the guys were jerks. Maybe they just acted badly. But here's the point- they acted. How do you expect to get a girlfriend by osmosis? "

They werent all bad. But they did treat them badly. Like, they just went out with the girl cos she was there and could. They didnt go with out with them because they actually liked the girl. I suppose the girls were just as much at fault as they couldnt see it until they got hurt.

But you are right, they must have made some sort of move which I never do. No idead what osmosis means by the way. A google search doesnt make me any wiser.

"You sound like a decent guy and a good catch. You see those girls that wanted to sleep with you? They probably wanted to sleep with you sober, but maybe they didn't have the courage to approach you first."

Ya, you are damn right I would be a good catch! :-D I have always wondered about one of those girls. We were flatmates at the time. She was moving out. In the week leading up to her moving out, she got a lot more touchy with me. I didnt think much of it as she had a boyfriend. Then, on her last night in the flat, a big group of us went out and she got wasted. then, later that night she came onto me. Always wondered was it cos she was drunk or not. the week before suggests maybe not. I know the other girls I spoke of were not interested, it was purely because they were drunk.

"You know exactly what your problem is. As they say in sports, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. How can you get a girlfriend if you never talk to a woman?

Confidence training would be good for you I think OP. Also, maybe chat to the female friends you mentioned, ask them for advice on how to approach women. Forget clubs and try pubs with a relaxed atmosphere, get talking to people on a relaxed basis and see what happens.

Sorry if my post is a bit harsh but I think you know yourself you might need a bit of a boot on this one. Good luck OP "

I dont think you are harsh, I think you speak a lot of sense. I dont do clubs any more so theres no problem there.

"Through that, it really helped my confidence and self esteem.
I think you should focus on that before focusing on a girlfriend specifically."

To be honest, that is what I think too. That is why I was asking about confidence classes. I am nowhere as bad with my quietness as I used to be. I talk far more than in the past and am generally confident in a lot of scenarios. Talking to girls who dont know me is one area I am not confident in though - although as I said, I never try. If I dont practice at something, how can I get better?

"but we do like a guy who will make the first move, and nice guys often don't do this, so they don't get the girls, if you wait for the women to come to you you could be waiting a long time"

Good point. But you need confidence to make the first move. And that is something I lack badly in this regard.

I really appreciate all your feedback on this thread. It is good to be able to get some alternative opinions. I do think some sort of confidence coaching would be good for me. But can anybody recommend something specific for me? I have looked at some websites and it seems insanely expensive. Also, I think it is an area where you easily be scammed into paying for a service not very worthwhile.

Again, thanks to everybody for your replies.