How to heal?

woodchuck

I was dumped by my long-term boyfriend about 6 months ago, but I still feel like I haven't fully recovered from it. I can't even put my finger on it, but I just feel a little bit broken. I thought I was doing ok. I saw afterwards that we were totally wrong for each other and I have absolutely no desire to ever see him again. I've surrounded myself with family and friends. I've indulged in hobbies, travel, exercise, lots of socialising, shopping... generally filling my time with fun things. And I'm fine when I have these distractions; happy even. But a part of me feels like this is all they are... distractions. If I ever have a chunk of time with nothing in particular to do I start to feel down or angry and can't help but think of everything that happened. I guess part of what's getting to me is the humiliation of being rejected so abruptly. We were together for most of my 20s, we were living together, were seriously talking about marriage and were saving to buy a house. It was as if he just decided overnight that we weren't right for each other and that was it... I was just discarded. I did try to work on things of course (including going to couples counselling), but it was all very one sided and I got nothing back from him so it ended.

I know there are other similar threads on here already, but I guess I just wanted some input on my own personal situation. As someone else said it's that feeling of having to start all over again; going from a secure relationship with a future to nothing. I've been meeting up a few guys from online dating, but they haven't really gone anywhere. I had what I would consider a brief rebound relationship, which was just a bit of fun. Aside from that I just haven't met any guys that I click with or have any chemistry with. I'm starting to think that maybe it's all a bit soon for that though. Not that I'm hung up on my ex, just that I still feel a bit damaged by everything that happened. Maybe I need to work on myself before getting into another relationship? But how do you work on something when you're not exactly sure what's wrong? Or is it just a matter of 'time heals all eventually'? Or will it all fall into place if/when I meet the right person?

LegacyUser

I've been in your situation. My relationship broke after 20+ years. Without a doubt, there are feelings of shame when you are rejected, even if you never did anything wrong. You may come to find in the future that you had a lucky escape, even if it doesn't seem like it now.

In my case, after a while I became happy to have my own space and no one to please but myself. Obviously, not everyone is going to feel like this, but try not to rush into another relationship just because that's what you're used to. Take a little time. (I'm not saying don't have fun, of course!)

I presume that what you are feeling is an acute loneliness on top of the feeling of rejection. When you are used to having someone to be intimate with, it can be hard to have that suddenly taken away. Just try to realise that most probably it was your ex that had the issues, not you.

I don't know if I can give you any concrete advice, but try not to be hard on yourself.

ash23

I think it's pretty normal and it can keep going for a long time after the breakup and can resurface now and then.

I can only go on my own experience and I was dumped about 6 years ago by a guy I had been with for many years. For a good while afterwards I felt exactly as you did. Angry, hurt etc. I kept myself busy and enjoyed my life but at the same time it was always there in the background......until eventually it wasn't anymore. It took about 3 years for it to be gone completely. In that time I had brief relationships but didn't feel anywhere near ready to actually let myself fall for someone. It took me 4 years to meet someone I actually felt was worth the risk and about a year ago we ended it after being together for a year, living together etc.

In the last few months I had been feeling a lot better, not thinking about him at all. Until bam, I run into him and his new girlfriend. Ouch. Especially as his reason for ending it with me was that he "wasn't ready for a relationship". Ouch again. So it's been playing on my mind now for the last few days and getting me down even though I am with someone else now and very happy with him and he is much better suited to me than the ex.

I can only assume that in time it will go away, much the same as it has gone away with previous exes in the past in varying amounts of time. I just feel like my heart is bruised a bit and when something presses on it, it hurts for a bit. It's not broken though, I do know that. And like all bruises, it'll heal.

Sleepless and Manic

There was an article in this mornings Huffington Post on the power of rebound relationships as a healing mechanism, which seems relevant to this thread, although personally a relationship would have to be pretty superficial (or over for a long time) for me to be even able to think about anyone else.

"Rebound Relationships Are Actually A Good Thing, Says Science"

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/19/rebound-relationships_n_4994403.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce

woodchuck

Thanks for the reply guys and I appreciate the support Like I said, I'm actually happy most of the time, but the bad feelings still creep in occassionally (was just having a particularly bad night when I posted).

coldanddamp wrote: »

I've been in your situation. My relationship broke after 20+ years. Without a doubt, there are feelings of shame when you are rejected, even if you never did anything wrong. You may come to find in the future that you had a lucky escape, even if it doesn't seem like it now.

This is actually exactly how I feel :P Luckily it didn't take me too long to realise it either. I think I got over the actual relationship itself relatively quickly, but it's just the trauma of the breakup that still bothers me occasionally if that makes sense.

I suppose I'm just conscious of the fact that I'm not getting any younger, but I'm not quite over the hill just yet. I think I've been trying to force things by jumping into online dating, but I've decided to take a step back and not stress too much over it for the moment. Sure maybe something will happen when I least expect it :P

The one thing that is bothering me in particular though is my living situation. My ex owned the apartment we were living in, so of course it was me who had to leave. I came back to my parents house, which I was dreading, but actually we're getting on quite well and have no complaints. I suppose I'm more worried about what other people think of me... the whole 'living at home at 30' situation worries me :rolleyes: The problem is I'm not sure I like my other options all that much. As far as I can see they are:
(i) Rent a place on my own. This is probably the most appealing option, but I think I would get too lonely.
(ii) Rent with strangers... I think they'd drive me bonkers so not going down that road :P
(iii) Rent with a friend. Aside from the fact that I'd need to find someone to rent with, I'd be worried about risking a friendship if it turned out we drove each other crazy.

My ideal scenario is to buy a house with a partner and settle down. But obviously that's now much further down the line than I thought! I'm not keen to buy a place on my own and even if I was I don't think I'm earning enough to be considered a desirable candidate for a mortgage atm. I'm luckily that I'm happy at home and my parents are always saying how happy they are to have me back. I'm contributing financially etc so I'm not freeloading or anything like that. But I can't help but worry how it looks to other people :rolleyes:

Sgt Pepper 64

You are defining yourself and your life by having to have a partner.

A partner will enhance your life not define it

Sit down, write a list of what you want out of life e.g. travel, learn a new skill or language, buy your own property etc
very possibly you remember things you wanted to do during your past r/ship but didnt because they didnt like them

I know you have said you did some of this before, but you are STILL VERY YOUNG!
Think outside the box. Do you really want to live in Ireland for the rest of your natural or somewhere warmer or somewhere that offers a different lifestyle and go after that.
Perhaps your own business?
Yes you have family in ireland and you want to see them, but thats what planes are for.
Immerse yourself in discovering more about yourself and what YOU want and a consequence of that could be a much more happier and unafraid to be independant you, and of course the more people you mix with, the more chance you have of meeting someone new and meaningful.

And think about the type of person you want to attract eventually.
If you go to the pub all the time, all you will meet is "pub" people.
But if you aim for something else, you may meet some one more matched to your interests

But dont ever "settle" just because you dont want to be left on the shelf, that is silly