Grown-up temper tantrums

LegacyUser

I've had a similar experience to the OP - boyfriend has a terrible temper and at times lashes out by kicking things, slamming doors etc and it last happened on Sunday. The provocation was that I asked him why he had left stuff in the sink and he started roaring and shouting about how I'm always on his case. He got verbally aggressive with me and called me the c word.

He was going out that evening meeting friends so just got ready and headed out without saying a word to me. He phoned me half an hour later but I didn't answer. He tried again twice more. The reason I didn't answer is that from previous experience, he'll phone and chat and pretend that nothing has happened which drives me nuts. I'll say are you not ringing to apologise and he'll bark sorry at me and then say 'but you..'. So I'll say you're not sorry at all. He'll say he's not and that's basically the end of the call.

The next morning I just got up and went to my parents house, where I've been until this evening. When I got back to the house, I couldn't get in because he had his key in the door inside so I had to knock to get in. He opened the door, I said thanks as he said hello and I walked past and went upstairs. There wasn't another word between us, we weren't really in the same room. He's gone to bed and I'm going to sleep in the spare room.

I know not talking is not helping but I don't even want to look at him. Nobody speaks to me the way he did and it's not the first time. He's the same way in his family home - he gets into temper tantrums and they all tip-toe around him until he calms down and then they all act like it never happened. I just can't do that..

I've done the sitting down and explaining calmly how it makes me feel and how it's not acceptable and he never seems to fully accept responsibility. There's always a reason/excuse for his behaviour - he's tired/stressed etc. I don't want this to continue. What if it gets worse? Add to the mix, I'm 3 months pregnant so not only myself to think about...

Tokyo

similarstory - seeing as you are looking for feedback on an issue of your own, I have given you your own thread.

Regards,
Mike

Jenneke87

For the sake of your child, I would walk out. No child should have to witness this, and you don't need the added stress while pregnant. Let him find someone else to be his punching bag.

Merkin

You give him an ultimatum. He either consults a trained counsellor about anger management and commences therapy immediately or you walk.

whiskeyman

It's not right and it has to stop.
I'm glad you've taken notice.
Has he always been like this? Does he admit he's a problem?

OzMister

I would defo recommend him going to a psychotherapist. I am ashamed to say I carried on the same way with my girlfriend of 8 years. I was never able to see it myself and always blames being tired etc, but after constant prompting from my girlfriend that I should talk to someone I began to realise how much of an ass I was. Personally for me it was a learned behaviour from a person I swore I would never be like "my father". It is definitely child like or even sulking behaviour but have faith it is something that can be fixed. I would also agree you need to look after yourself this kinda stress is not good for you. Has anyone else ever spoke to him about his behaviour? The reason I ask is because it took my two sisters and girlfriend to pull me aside and tell me as it is, just unacceptable behaviour. I'm getting get help since and have a much better insight in to myself, Iv more knowledge about myself and how my emotional development was disrupted growing up, and this is how I became that way. And god forbid it will happen to your child unless one of ye take action. PM me if you ever need to chat.

Neyite

It will get worse.

It always does.

If it was so toxic an atmosphere that you had to leave and stay with your parents, do you honestly think its the right home environment for a tiny, defenceless baby? If he lashes out at everybody and they tiptoe around him, why would he be any different around the baby? And unlike adults and children who quickly learn to shut up and avoid him, a baby wont understand.

You are putting your baby in grave danger with him around. What if he shakes your newborn? Screams at him/her? Can he really be a trustworthy parenting partner that you know the baby will be safe with while you nap?

Down the line, do you want your child to call you a C**t, just like daddy does? Because he/she will. Children learn behaviours and respect from their parents. He/she will learn you dont get respect.

You have a support system with your parents. Show him you mean business and move out. If he genuinely wants you back, and wants to be a good dad and partner, he will get help to address his anger issues. Then you can discuss being a family.

LegacyUser

OzMister thanks so much. I may be in touch. His father too was abusive, emotionally and physically. He has said to me what if he's like that with our baby so I suppose he does know what he does is wrong but most of the time he just buries his head in the sand and keeps busy working, he farms and works full time.

stargazer 68

similarstory wrote: »

OzMister thanks so much. I may be in touch. His father too was abusive, emotionally and physically. He has said to me what if he's like that with our baby so I suppose he does know what he does is wrong but most of the time he just buries his head in the sand and keeps busy working, he farms and works full time.

Well Im sorry OP but if he recognises he has a problem and won't do anything about it I would be packing my bags and going home to my parents.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Just want to say how awful I feel for you.

My sister in law has phoned me many times when my brother has flipped the lid, smashed up the house and called her a c*nt and many other foul names that I dont wish to divulge here.

I am on her side 100% I'm female and about 10 years younger than my brother - her husband. He has become everything that I hate in a man, I have no respect for him and I barely speak to him to be honest with you. We arent fighting, I just be civil to him. He has many, many issues and he has a serious problem with anger.

Just last week I told my sis in law to tell him - pack his bags and get the f*ck out of her house, away from her and his son. He has no right to be there if he is going to continuously threaten her and smash holes in walls. Absolutely no right. They have agreed that he will leave unless he goes to get treatment, whether it be a counsellor or CBT - whatever just something to sort out his serious issues he has with anger management.

Going to be brutally honest here - I've no faith in it working for him. This has happened so many times I cant even keep count. This is the first time however that him getting treatment has been mentioned between them.

I told my sis in law outstraight that what he is doing is domestic abuse no question about it. I feel sick when she phones me to tell me in tears that he flipped again. I'm the only girl in a family of all men and to think that my own brother behaves like this makes me sick to the pit of my stomach.

Please god just realise that if he isnt willing or cannot change - he has to go. Regardless of his protests or outbursts, you will be a shell of a person if you continue like this. I hardly recognise my sis in law these days, shes a completely different person, all because of my brother. Makes me so sad, but you have to put a stop to this for good. It's the only way! Believe me, this has been going on years with my bro, and he is only willing to change because he knows he will have nothing, no family, no home, no wife and son if he doesnt get his act together. All I have to say about that is I'll believe it when I see it

LegacyUser

I'm in a similar situation and am at the point of having a final chat with my partner this week. He flies off the handle every few months and its usually something that he has built up in his head for ages & then he just explodes. His most recent one was extremely bad with damage done to furniture, shouting & screaming at me and generally being a very scary person. It's amazing though that I am the only one who witnesses this - he has told me that nobody in his family has ever seen that side of him, so I feel really alone when it happens.

I have tried every technique to deal with him - reasoning with him, replying to whatever dirt he is shouting at me, not speaking to him - but nothing works. When the anger is over, he is always very down but he still thinks that "we" have had an argument, not that he flew into a rage & instigated everything. He can never understand why he is the only one to have to apologize and always feels hard done by.

I am lucky that we don't have children so it is only me dealing with this, however it is time for him to face reality and go to some kind of anger management counselling or I will be gone. OP if your man is anyway similar to mine you will have to do something about it, especially now that you have a child on the way. You cant keep putting up with this, nor can you put a child through a life like that.

Pippy1976

Funny. I'm in a very similar situation too. Every couple of months things will be absolutely amazing, more than amazing they'll be absolutely fantastic. Out of the blue, there'll be something I said or did or a look I gave or I'll just have a bloody bad day and he'll jump to gut instinct that I'm cheating or chatting to guys from my past or meeting up with guys on my lunchbreak.

It breaks my heart. Every time. And every time I think I'm such a fool for sticking around and if I'd just left the last time I wouldn't be sitting here listening to this.

This time I've moved out. A bit of perspective is a great thing. The only way I will go back is if he agrees to go talk to a third party. I don't really care who the third party is but he needs to talk to someone about why he has these thoughts, why he lets them manifest themselves into verbal abuse and WHY he cannot think logically about the situation but is all encompassed by this rage.

I know he had problems with his dad when he was growing up and I know in my heart this is learned behaviour, not acceptable behaviour but definitely learned. He can get help for it and the decision is his whether he wants to live with paranoia that effects his relationships or be in a happy, loving, caring, trusting relationship. I know which one I'd rather.

there are so many people in this type of relationship, it's mind boggling. I think the key is to suggest help, accept help and try. Failing all of that then it's a lost cause.

I'll keep you posted on what happens.

p.s. I wanted to add to this that for those of you who say 'leave the person, move on, walk out and don't look back'. It's very easy to say that but it's extremely hard to when you care deeply for someone and you know deep down they don't mean what they say. I think it's important to remember that you at least give it a try to help them through it... for alot of people they don't want to be feeling paranoid or angry. If, failing all the help and advice, they still are angry / paranoid then it's time for all parties to move on regardless.

LegacyUser

Pippy1976 wrote: »

p.s. I wanted to add to this that for those of you who say 'leave the person, move on, walk out and don't look back'. It's very easy to say that but it's extremely hard to when you care deeply for someone and you know deep down they don't mean what they say. I think it's important to remember that you at least give it a try to help them through it... for alot of people they don't want to be feeling paranoid or angry. If, failing all the help and advice, they still are angry / paranoid then it's time for all parties to move on regardless.

This is so true. Thank you Pippy for putting into words what I couldn't. It is like they turn into another person when they get into their rage and nothing like their normal personality. I hope it all works out for you and for the OP.

OzMister

For me it was 30 years of anger that built up and to make it worse I had no idea how to express myself verbally or physically, and I was angry at myself but didn't know why.. I went through my 20s like a head case and for some reason still unknown to myself my childhood came back to haunt me in my 30s, it's like being hit by a truck. All I can say is keeping busy is a short term solution for your boyfriend, you can prob see he is running away from stuff. I'm not gona tell you what you should do only you can decide that, but I am glad my girlfriend gave me a chance( about the 100th chance). We got through it together, I went through fire to sort myself out and here I am engaged and ready to buy a home, and god willing start a family. Bye the way most of my girlfriends fiends told her to dump me, lucky for me she had faith in me and I'm nothing without her. Keep the chin up!

Pippy1976

Wanted to update on my situation as I'm not sure where to turn at this stage.

I met with my partner (we've been separated for the past month trying to sort things out) recently and mentioned the idea of talking to a third party to help us. His paranoia has gotten completely out of control and NOTHING I say is sinking in, to the point where I've stopped trying to give him 'evidence' that I didn't meet up with whom he says I did.

He seemed, whilst not overly excited at the prospect, resigned to the fact that it wouldn't do any harm and perhaps he needed to speak to someone.

Fast forward a week and it's gotten to the point where he flatly refuses to listen to me and says it's over now, because he can't trust me / doesn't believe me / wants someone who respects him. I don't know where to turn and I can't talk to anyone because people just wouldn't understand what he's putting me through, it's that difficult to put it into words.

It's like as if my feelings never ran as deep as his, or I couldn't care for him HALF as much as he cared for me: belittling my feelings for him because he thinks they didn't match up to his for me.

He has seen me break down and cry with pain in my heart but still he continues to push & push and tell me I cheated and the facts about how he knows I did. I think it's come down to a power thing and he can see what he's doing to me, he knows it's all not true but he just doesn't care and is enjoying hurting me this much.

I'm torn apart and don't know what to do next. To think that someone I love has gone out into this world thinking I cheated and lied about it and won't take my honest word for it is absolutely heartbreaking. To anyone who does this to their partner and may be reading this: stop torturing your loved ones because you enjoy the power trip. seek help and try to change your behaviour before it's too late.

Sorry for the long post. I didn't have anyone else to talk to for the last while so this is a great resource to me!

OzMister wrote: »

For me it was 30 years of anger that built up and to make it worse I had no idea how to express myself verbally or physically, and I was angry at myself but didn't know why.. I went through my 20s like a head case and for some reason still unknown to myself my childhood came back to haunt me in my 30s, it's like being hit by a truck. All I can say is keeping busy is a short term solution for your boyfriend, you can prob see he is running away from stuff. I'm not gona tell you what you should do only you can decide that, but I am glad my girlfriend gave me a chance( about the 100th chance). We got through it together, I went through fire to sort myself out and here I am engaged and ready to buy a home, and god willing start a family. Bye the way most of my girlfriends fiends told her to dump me, lucky for me she had faith in me and I'm nothing without her. Keep the chin up!