Life after 'Family'

suzi2

Hey everyone,

I really hope its okay to post here. Ive just read all the rules etc, but wasnt sure which forum to post onto. I hope this one is okay.

I never thought 11 years ago, that I would find myself in the place that I am today. I had 2 parents and a sister. Dysfunctional to say the least,, but a family nonetheless. Both parents were chronic alcoholics, and as kids my sister and I were forced to pick 'sides' between them both... our house was a battle ground. My sister and my dad on one side, and myself and my mother on the other. That paved the way for the rest of our lives.

As a family we were estranged from all our Aunts, Uncles, cousins. As kids we grew up not knowing them only maybe seeing them once every few years. So when we got older we pretty much were on our own with no extended family.

11 years ago, when I was 31 my dad dropped dead of a massive heart attack. 3 years later after a long battle with MND my mother sadly passed away. The day we buried her, my sister announced to me that she would not be seeing me again. And she didnt. That was 8 years ago.

I have spent these last few years on my own with my children. On their Communion, Confirmation, Birthdays, Christmas, etc. we had nobody to share it with. No cards came for my children, no invitations for dinner. No phone calls to ask me how I was doing or how my children were getting on. It was just us 3 on our own. Low time for us.

I met the most wonderful man 18 months ago..we are now engaged . His family couldnt understand what I meant when I said I had no family (apart from my 2 children). 'Thats impossible', they said! To alot of people it is! I mean most people cannot comprehend that there are some of us out there that actually have no birth family left! Well there are, and it has to be one of the coldest saddest places to find yourself in.

I figured that there must be other people out there like me! People who have lost their birth family through whatever circumstances. I researched support groups online for people without family- there are none- anywhere! So I figured Id go ahead and try and start one myself.

I feel that we are on this earth for a very short time, and nobody should have to spend that time alone. Nobody should have to sit on their own at Christmas, or on their birthday. We should all have someone with whom we can pick up the phone to and cry or laugh or share moments with. We should all have something to look forward to- a holiday, a lunch, an invite to dinner, an outing with people that care about us- not because they feel they're obliged to, but because they will value it just as much as you do.

I want to offer support to people like me, so we can support eachother! We can never replace our family, but we can form connections that can go someway towards filling the void that we feel without them. Anybody that can relate to this; Id love your feedback. And even those that dont, are welcome to comment too..

Thanks

IrishEyes19

suzi2 wrote: »

Hey everyone,

I really hope its okay to post here. Ive just read all the rules etc, but wasnt sure which forum to post onto. I hope this one is okay.

I never thought 11 years ago, that I would find myself in the place that I am today. I had 2 parents and a sister. Dysfunctional to say the least,, but a family nonetheless. Both parents were chronic alcoholics, and as kids my sister and I were forced to pick 'sides' between them both... our house was a battle ground. My sister and my dad on one side, and myself and my mother on the other. That paved the way for the rest of our lives.

As a family we were estranged from all our Aunts, Uncles, cousins. As kids we grew up not knowing them only maybe seeing them once every few years. So when we got older we pretty much were on our own with no extended family.

11 years ago, when I was 31 my dad dropped dead of a massive heart attack. 3 years later after a long battle with MND my mother sadly passed away. The day we buried her, my sister announced to me that she would not be seeing me again. And she didnt. That was 8 years ago.

I have spent these last few years on my own with my children. On their Communion, Confirmation, Birthdays, Christmas, etc. we had nobody to share it with. No cards came for my children, no invitations for dinner. No phone calls to ask me how I was doing or how my children were getting on. It was just us 3 on our own. Low time for us.

I met the most wonderful man 18 months ago..we are now engaged . His family couldnt understand what I meant when I said I had no family (apart from my 2 children). 'Thats impossible', they said! To alot of people it is! I mean most people cannot comprehend that there are some of us out there that actually have no birth family left! Well there are, and it has to be one of the coldest saddest places to find yourself in.

I figured that there must be other people out there like me! People who have lost their birth family through whatever circumstances. I researched support groups online for people without family- there are none- anywhere! So I figured Id go ahead and try and start one myself.

I feel that we are on this earth for a very short time, and nobody should have to spend that time alone. Nobody should have to sit on their own at Christmas, or on their birthday. We should all have someone with whom we can pick up the phone to and cry or laugh or share moments with. We should all have something to look forward to- a holiday, a lunch, an invite to dinner, an outing with people that care about us- not because they feel they're obliged to, but because they will value it just as much as you do.

I want to offer support to people like me, so we can support eachother! We can never replace our family, but we can form connections that can go someway towards filling the void that we feel without them. Anybody that can relate to this; Id love your feedback. And even those that dont, are welcome to comment too..

Thanks

Hi, OP, for what it's worth I think your post and the encouragement you have displayed in it, and the choices you have made with your own life are testament to your own good character. I cannot even begin to guess how awful this must have been for you.

I think life can have strange outcomes and no matter how hard you try, some people decide to opt out of difficult situations, rather than face them, hence your sister. I would say however that your own life right now seems to have so many positives, ie, your children and a loving partner. I know it will never replace what you feel you have lost, but if you look at it this way, in your own children, you will have endless love for the rest of your life and for all of theirs. It is very obvious that you hold family connections and love very highly in your priorities, so therefore you have already passed down valuable life lessons to your own children who will remember that.

I cannot say that your sister will ever want that connection again, but it is something that you cannot control. I highly doubt the issue was ever you, more so the dysfunction that came before that. But as I said, you can only be admired and praised for your commitment and desire for family connections, but remember quality is stronger than quantity. I know the table can seem lonely at big events at Christmas and Birthdays, but I think a small group of people who love you like your own children and partner is a hell of a lot of better than a table of arguing individuals with chips on their shoulders. Wishing you all the best.

ManOfMystery

The bond that close siblings have is one that's often built at a young age. It's sad and unfortunate that your parents effectively destroyed any chance of that bond ever happening by forcing you and your sister to take sides, thus creating a chasm between you both which would continue into adulthood. Your sister obviously has a different perspective on that, or can't see the big picture, given how she has shut you out of her life.

I have huge admiration though for your positive outlook on life and how you've come through a difficult childhood. And congratulations on your forthcoming wedding also

Have you ever tried reaching out to your sister in the last 8yrs? Do you know where she is, or have any means of getting in touch? You can't force her to be your best friend, but there's always a chance that some kind of relationship could be salvaged - 8yrs is a long time and she may have mellowed a bit. It's sad that she may never have a part in her nieces/nephews lives, and them in hers.

Of course, she could always have got in touch with you, but be that as it may, someone has to make the first move and you seem a very levelheaded and insightful person. All I would say is that if you do get in touch, don't build up hopes too much and don't be utterly dismayed if her reaction is just the same as before. Prepare for the worst, and anything better is a bonus.

Pawwed Rig

What kind of people are your Aunts, Uncles and cousins? Would it be worth reaching out to them? I did it with mine in my thirties and with a bit of effort I now enjoy good relationships with most of my relatives. There are a couple who are off the radar with no interest in keeping in contact but many enjoy having cousins for their kids to play with. They may associate you with a 'bad family' but do not know you as a person. If you can get involved with some kind of get together it might help you.
With respect to your sister, 8 years is a long time. You could try contacting her. The worst thing that will happen is that things will stay as they are. The past bitterness needs to be buried though. There is nothing to be gained from scraping old wounds.

Jenneke87

Hey OP,

Even though my family situation isn't as extreme as yours, my eldest sister broke all contact with the family when I was fiftheen and she was 18. Apart from funerals I didn't hear a word from her and never saw her. We slowly rekindled our relationship roughly two years ago and are now the best of friends I don't know your sister, but is there any way you can reach out to her? You'll only get one life with her, it might be worth a try. I admire your strenght in this situation, you've come a long way, well done

suzi2

Hi, Im not sure how to respond to messages individually but I just want to thank you all for taking the time out to reply to me.

It has given me alot of food for thought, and maybe with my efforts in looking outside to fill the void in me, Im not seeing whats right in front of me; my 2 wonderful children and loving partner. I know I am very lucky to have them. As Irish Eyes pointed out, quality is stronger than quantity- so true!

As for my sister, she lives about 10 minute drive from where I live, in another town. I got in touch with her a few months before Christmas. I asked her if she would maybe like to meet up for a coffee. I explained to her that my children, her niece and nephew, have no family left whatsoever, apart from myself and her (of course this, she already knew!). I asked her if she would like to maybe meet up with them as she hasnt seen my daughter since she was a toddler of 3 years old, she is 11 this year. She hasnt seen my son since he was just about to start secondary school at 12 years old, he is 20 this year, a young man in college. I said to her that seeing as how we are the only 2 left in our family, so to speak, its a real shame that we couldnt try to open up the lines of communication even just slightly so at the very least she could have a relationship with her niece and nephew. Given the fact that she is in her 40s with no children, I thought maybe she would love the idea of getting to know my children and having them as part of her life. After, sending a long email and message to her, I got a text on my phone from her that evening - it simply said the word 'NO'!
I made up my mind that night, that I would never contact her again.

Life without the support of family is quite hard at times. Its hurts to know that Im nobodys daughter anymore, nobodys sister. Its hard to accept, even at my age that I wont ever get to call anybody dad or mam ever again. I have struggled to come to terms with the fact, that I dont have anyone in my life to say things to me like 'remember when we were kids and....?' or 'Do you remember when mam did this or that?'. Its almost like, I hatched from an egg! No history, no past, nobody knows me. Sounds almost laughable. And it sounds probably very immature to be talking in this way. But thats just the reality of it for me.

I appreciate all the kind things that were said in your replies. I think life experiences shape us into who we are. I was made strong, coz I had no choice. When I was left on my own without a father for my kids, and no family to turn to, I had to rely on myself. And when you look around and realise that YOU are the only person you have left in the world to help you, then you either find the strength out of somewhere and do what you have to do, or you give up. Giving up was not an option for me, thanks to my 2 children.

username123

I've an almost identical situation, alcoholic parent, 1 sibling, parents now dead, estranged from sibling.

I've no kids myself. I am married. We don't want kids. Probably for me, because of my past.

I'm happy with the situation. My sibling is horribly dysfunctional I would not want to be in a relationship with him.

I found family very very difficult growing up, parents estranged from everyone so I don't know aunties/uncles (except one who is elderly but does phone very occasionally or I phone her).

I guess I feel hatched from an egg too, but I'm happy with my egg!

Weird as it sounds, I'm glad the buck stops here, with me, and my conscious decision to not propagate the genes onwards. My family dysfunction stretches back through generations, I am glad to bring my path to a cul de sac.