Faking it for 3 years

LegacyUser

Been with my fella for near 10 years now at this stage. About 2 years ago I went through a really really rough patch, something terrible happened and the fella didn't really help much with it, just seemed to expect me to dust it off and get on with things. Being honest, I didn't even really realise how much it affected me at that time, I also kinda just went along with everything not really focussing too much on it.
So it was about then that I started faking orgasms with him in bed. It didn't seem like a big deal at the time, I guess I just didn't feel able to talk to him and explain maybe I wasn't up for sex. He always took things like that SO personally and I didn't want to hurt him. We were both very young though in fairness when we got together.
I don't know how to explain this, but I basically carried on faking it ever since then. Sometimes I did actually get close, and there were defo times I was into it. I didn't do this to hurt him or humiliate him, it just always seemed easier on me than trying to explain the situation to him. I loved him like, I just didn't realise that I was checking out really.
I feel like I've totally betrayed him by doing this, like we should really break up. I've no idea how to tell him all of this, I can't coz I keep wondering how in the name of god he'd get over having been lied to like this for 2 years. But at the same time I don't feel able to continue with this. Any advice at all would be a big help!

Jenneke87

Perhaps I'm reading too much into your post, but it sounds to me like you had a bad experience sexually and your BF wasn't supportive at all and expected you to get just over it, am I right? Its sounds like you let him overstep a boundary to keep the peace and faked your orgasms to keep him happy and not having to tell how bad you felt.

That to me, sounds like there's a bigger issue than you faking your orgasms, it's sounds like you're afraid to talk to him, lay out your feelings and expect him to respect those, because in your post he doesn't come across as a very considerate person. You would rather settle for an unfulfilling sex life, foregoing your own wishes and pleasure in order to not hurt his feelings.

Your partner will feel hurt, because he will feel inadequate in the bedroom and lied to, which is understandable. At the same time I kind of feel like he brought this upon himself by expecting you to carry on as normal and not giving you time to recover after your ordeal and putting the pressure on you, and the easiest way for you to do that was by faking it.

You don't necessarily have to tell him you fake it, but I would examine your relationship to see if you can and want to live with someone who doesn't seem to care much about how and what you feel.

LegacyUser

I no why you'd think that, but it actually wasn't sexual, bt was one of those life-changing major event things.
This is what makes it tough, honestly, I don't think he was very considerate at all about it. But at the same time I didn't really try very hard to talk to him bout it. And in hindsight I think if I'd said "Listen, not for a while, I'm having a really hard time with this" he actually would've understood, the problem was actually that I found it too upsetting to bring it up. He made only one comment that to me said he really didn't get it at all and so that didn't help, but I think it was mostly my attitude that was the problem.
It's not even that I want to instantly run away, but I genuinely don't know how I'd fix it coz you're obviously right in that this is not the only problem. But he seems happy enough, we live together and all. I feel like he wouldn't be so content with everything if he knew this.
I just ask myself sometimes if maybe if he knew bout this he'd realise just how much is wrong. But if there's no hope for us I obviously don't wanna tell him something like that.
It just often seems like there's such a contrast in terms of his attitude and other peoples, like my family and mates. They both have my best interests at heart really, I'm not sure if my parents and mates go a bit too soft on me.

IrishEyes19

I agree with the above poster, I feel there is more at stake here, breaking up is such a huge step to consider over something that talking it out could solve.

LegacyUser

ya, I agree. I'll be talking to him when he gets in I think, cheers lads

strobe

I dunno. In general I'm all for openness and honesty in a relationship. But finding out someone you love has been lying to you for two years about a fundamental part of your relationship is quite a thing, could be difficult for trust and a relationship to survive that for some people. In this case I think it may cause more harm than good.

I think I'd advise trying to draw a line under the period of time in yoyr head and think of now as a fresh start for the two of you.

You say you've come close to orgasming. Perhaps if you weren't going into things with your mind made up that you were going to fake, the issue would have resolved itself already. Its possible you've 'jumped the gun' so to speak on a few occasions and prevented yourself from reaching orgasm by faking when it may have been on the horizon if you'd held off and just went with things.

My advise would be to start with a blank slate from here, try to put the past period out of your mind, abandon the idea of faking it at any time for any reason from here on in, and move forward from there.

Tasden

strobe wrote: »

I dunno. In general I'm all for openness and honesty in a relationship. But finding out someone you love has been lying to you for two years about a fundamental part of your relationship is quite a thing, could be difficult for trust to survive that for some people. In this case I think it may cause more harm than good.

I think I'd advise trying to draw a line under the period of time in yoyr head and think of now as a fresh start for the two of you.

You say you've come close to orgasming. Perhaps if you weren't going into things with your mind made up that you were going to fake the issue would have resolved itself already and you've 'jumped the gun' so to speak on a few occasions and prevented yourself from reaching orgasm by faking when it may have been on the horizon if you'd held off and just went with things.

My advise would be to start with a blank slate from here, try to put the past period out of your mind, abandon then idea if faking it at any time for any reason from here on in, and move forward from there.

Yeah I think this is good advice tbh. Stop faking it and if he asks why you're not reaching orgasm tell him the truth.

He might ask why its only affecting you now but you can just say that you've been trying to put on a brave face and sweep the issue under the carpet but you're no longer able to avoid the issue, this is basically the truth but you're not explicitly telling him about the faking (the putting on a brave face).

I hope you're ok and you have support.

Sgt Pepper 64

Tasden wrote: »

Yeah I think this is good advice tbh. Stop faking it and if he asks why you're not reaching orgasm tell him the truth.

He might ask why its only affecting you now but you can just say that you've been trying to put on a brave face and sweep the issue under the carpet but you're no longer able to avoid the issue, this is basically the truth but you're not explicitly telling him about the faking (the putting on a brave face).

I hope you're ok and you have support.

But he may not ask! especially being a bloke!

Good sex is about good communication, and trust and opening up and saying "that isnt working for me, can you just move your whatever a little to the left"

You can approach this a couple of ways:

Sit down with him and just ask him if he is happy sexually and say that you are not and wouldnt it be exciting to try something new and fresh.
Like different foreplay. You dont say how you almost reach it, but many women just cant orgasm from penterative sex and need direct cliteriol stimulation.

Ask him to give you a massage for example, set the mood, lighting, music, lingerie, so YOU feel sexy.

Go away for the weekend, being away from your familier surroundings sometimes helps.
You should after this time, be in a posiiton where he WANTS to please you and isnt embarresed or offended if you start to whisper to him "oh thats really good, but just try a little slower" etc etc


You dont have to tell him youve been faking it, just find a way of changing things.
Like say "I saw this scene in a film and I'd love us to try that"

Surprise him and take the initative, go on top for example, then its YOU in control

Best of luck, you deserve to be happy and satisfied