So There's This Guy

LegacyUser

So there's this guy.

We've been friends for two years. I developed romantic feelings for him last summer when we got close. He was in a relationship since before we met, although the girlfriend and I never met and to be honest, I didn't know she existed until he tweeted about them going to dinner on their anniversary last year. It just never came up really, you know? We talk online quite often, but see each other very rarely (the last year was hectic for us both career/academics wise). The feelings had developed before I knew he was involved with a girl, so I just pushed them aside and tried to forget about them. I took a few days off talking to him and had no feelings for him after that.

Even though I always called him my friend when talking about him to others, since that summer any time I mention him people always say "ohh, you so fancy him." It doesn't matter who they are to me or how well they know me - it always happens. Sure, even people that I talk to online say it! But I've always just been like "haha, no. I don't! We're just friends." It was the truth, or so I thought.

However recently I started to get nervous around him (not "cute, fuzzy feelings" nervous, but panic attack nervous) and it was concerning me. But this happens when I start to get close to someone sometimes (don't worry, I'm going to counselling) - I get nervous and try to push them away before I fully trust them. It's a subconscious thing. I thought I did trust him, but I guessed I didn't with that happening. Then my friend said to me "oh, you're just nervous because you like him. Don't be silly. You would trust him with your life."

Now I've realised that I think I do fancy him, but I'm not getting butterflies. Sure, I can't stop smiling when I talk to him, think of him, or even when I'm in town and I'm near his office I smile knowing that he's nearby. I find talking to him so enjoyable it's almost addictive, and I never want our conversations to stop. But I've no butterflies in my tummy and my heart doesn't feel like it's going to jump out of my chest.

So do I really like him? Shouldn't I be feeling all lovey-dovey, or is this just what happens when you fancy somebody you've already known for a long time? Could it be that I know him too well to feel nervous with butterflies at this stage? When I liked him last summer I had no butterflies either.

Tokyo

OP, when I read your post, two separate issues jump out at me.

1. Are you attracted to this guy even though you don't feel "butterflies"
2. Should you do anything about these feelings

The first is pretty straightforward - attraction isn't always all warm and fuzzy like it is in the movies, TBH I think the butterflies are more about YOU and the thoughts and anxieties that are running through YOUR head. On the contrary, when you say "I can't stop smiling when I talk to him, think of him, or even when I'm in town and I'm near his office I smile knowing that he's nearby. I find talking to him so enjoyable it's almost addictive, and I never want our conversations to stop", it says far more about your feelings for this guy - that you have a sense of peace by being with him and you feel completely and utterly safe in his company. So yes, in my opinion (which is apparently shared by your friends) you like this guy a lot.

As to whether you should do anything about it, well that all depends on whether he still has a girlfriend or not. If he is still seeing this girl then the answer is obviously no - he has chosen to be with this person, and you have to learn to accept that. If however he is currently single, and you get a sense that there could be something more between you, then it may be worth exploring.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here.

I should have mentioned that him and his girlfriend broke up around the start of Autumn. I don't know anything more than that, not that I should. It was their relationship after all!

Thanks mike_ie. I was just worried that because the butterflies weren't there that maybe I didn't really like him, and I had just convinced myself I had or something. I talked to one of my friends some more about it and she said effectively the same thing as you did.

Thanks!

Overheal

So when are you inviting him over for dinner and a movie? :

(just don't forget to remove the cinnamon rolls from the oven. They burn quite easily)